i borrowed Jingting's description and used the same words "they're very brave" to describe this new coupling I know.
I can only imagine the social expectations they have to go against, as well as a lot of explaining to do. the new grounds both of them will have to navigate through. may God be in the centre of their relationship :)

lol. just flatly told someone to stop messaging me.
i think facebook is awkward because people whom u dun even know well at all (like talk only once, introduce ONCE) can message u and keep messaging u.
really need to separate my friends from acquaintances too. feels uncomfortable.

JUDGMENT DAY (2013) TEASER #02 (zz, shunyi, myself (big pink bag) as passerbys at 0:19-0:21. LOL)

Serving in the Christmas drama has really touched my heart greatly. seeing everyone work together, seeing everyone serving together... and seeing how the many many small hands put together can produce something that God can use to touch the hearts of people, the insignificant words written, which did not seem much, were used by God to make people laugh, to make people think, to touch something within them.
when i receive the praises from the people, i get reminded of how there're so many more people who deserve the praises much more than me. the amount of time and effort they've put into the whole production. i saw unsung heroes who gave and did not ask for things in return. the actors who didn't have any lines, but had to put in as much time (or even more time than me) and much more effort in thinking up a plot for their actions, the directors who had to put in time for 3 rehearsals a week for at least 2 months, staying with us, encouraging us, directing us, making each detail better. the parents of the children who acted, who came, left, came, left, had to yield their schedules to the timing of the rehearsals as well. the lights people who were there for so many more hours than us, who had to be on duty for the entire stretch of time. the stage managers, production crew who did up the dance, the music, the multimedia.the image people who had to be there as early as us in the morning to ensure that we look presentable for stage.
i just get reminded that i'm merely a fingerprint contributing to the collage that forms a whole picture.

i think not going for my quarterly holiday is taking a toll on me. haha. maybe it's also cos I didn't get a proper break (like total mental break from any work. haha). i guess it's not a very good idea to be working during your holidays. haha.
i wonder what will happen in January, when both the school and prison work kicks in :) coupled with tuition. and japanese lessons. and ministry.
thank God there're no more rehearsals. haha. though i really enjoy the rehearsals. i guess having everything mashed up together is a very good idea ba :) haha. pretty interesting how God took away some commitments/delayed some commitments.
i feel quite sorry to my sensei cos I've been skipping her classes :\ like out of 6 lessons, i've only gone for 3! D: ahhhh.
and seriously, i really dislike pms. hahaa. everything just comes at one go. headache, muscle aches, fever, fatigue.... jialat.
praising God, listening to Beethoven and laughing at my cat while sitting in my air-coned bedroom seems to help with the symptoms though :) hahaa. now i just wish i don't have a case conference tmr morning :(
i really really need to set aside time to write the christmas cards :\ and to tidy my room. hahhaa.
yay to bangkok at the end of the year! thanks to Clara for suggesting the holiday! woohoo!

getting irked by the way things are done.
irked by people who becomes 'spiritual' all of a sudden.

talking to my inmates has been interesting :) i feel like i've been learning about the more vice-y aspect of life these few days. the security guard now recognizes me even though my pass is not ready as of yet.
i just can't help thinking that if they've been given the environments that we have, the chances that we've gotten, then it would be that things would probably be much different for them. if there's been someone who encouraged them, someone who disciplined them, someone who bothered to be with them, someone who would have wanted to fight for them, someone to accept them and allow them to express as they are, then things would have been very different?

stuck between two slightly ambiguous situations. one more than the other.
for the other, am observing.
for the one, i have a slightly greater desire to lay it on the table and talk about it. haha. but then again, it could just be hearsay.
i hope it's hearsay.
leaving the situations in His hands and waiting it out.

I don't like it when people try to insinuate that there's something going on when there isn't. irritated.

sleepy. and have to wake up early tmr cos of family sessions. haha. my travel lust has returned though, but i suspect it's more of a result to wander off somewhere without having plans, rather than wanting to escape from something. wanna explore places more thoroughly!

okay. i think i do feel a little hesitant on travelling to Japan in a group of 3 :\
i feel like my own retreat time is kinda taken away.

recently was talking to a brother, and because long time ago (at another wedding), I've asked for updates, he shared that he does have someone in mind now. haha. and that he's going to ask her in the coming week!
quite excited for the brother (and the sister). keeping them in prayer that if this is the person and the right timing, things would go on well :)
and i guess that's one of the blessings of being in Hope, that one really does feel like one has brothers even though i may not have any in the family :) like oh... can talk about this kind of thing. or can come up to me directly and remind me not to be perfectionistic in a brotherly way. haha. appreciate it:)

lol.
recently has been sensitive to the dynamics and behaviours of the people around me.
interesting to have my observations confirmed .. again and again and again and again. 

November is busy for me because:
a) my daily work is still on-going
b) my prison casework has started (means prison visits, home visits, case meetings)
c) drama rehearsals
d) 9 hours of Japanese lessons every week (normal pre-advanced lessons + preparation for N3 exams)
e) preparation for weddings of people

I'm actually quite alright with the load of things at this moment, but am looking forward to December when my daily work and preparation for N3 will finally cease and I can have more time to do preparations for all the other areas in a more detailed manner (e.g. preparing for hen party, cleaning up my room to a certain extend, doing the preparation for drama and homework for japanese class...).
and of course, not to say that i don't miss the days when I can have time to watch movies and read books and eat sushi in a leisurely manner. haha.

tonight's a good night to listen to classicals and read Kafka on the shore :)

Agatha Christie books I've read since the last time I've updated on this (I think):
1) Nemesis - very hard book to read cos it's full of political implications. i took like a whole month of mornings to struggle through it :\
2) One, Two, Buckle my shoe
3) Ordeal by Innocence
4) Passenger to Frankfurt
5) Peril at End House
6) Sad Cypress
7) Sleeping Murder
8) Sparkling Cyanide
9) Spider's web

Reading "Taken at the Flood" now. I have 29 books to go before finishing the whole collection. haha. so far 43 have been read (woohoo!) So she's written 73 books in all. wow. that's a lot! and it's quite refreshing to read through the collection cos the style is rather different in each book. haha.

I still have lots of books left unread T_T like christian literature, haruki murakami books, borrowed books... ah.

you know you're busy when you sporadically update your blog, and only remembers that you have a blog on a slow monday morning (which is turning into the afternoon).
but even when you want to update your blog, there might not be much to update if there hasn't been enough time given to think. lol.
November is too busy. i'm missing the days I can just sit somewhere and read my books.

sigh.
sometimes i don't like picking up cases who's in the same service as me because there's a lot of extra dynamics that'd come into play.

I'm looking forward to meeting my child next Monday! hahaha.

hahaa. a while ago I was wondering to myself what personality types my secondary best friends were, since they're the type of people whom I felt naturally inclined to work with and be with.
along the way, I've realized that one of them is probably an ENTJ, and the other is probably an ESTJ. hahaa. so i guess i appreciate extroverts who are quick in making decisions who are of the thinking type. perhaps cos the way of living life is similar ba, yet not too similar. i like motivated people who are clear on where they want to go and what they want to do. prob cos of upbringing? o_o

Met my new colleagues yesterday :) very small team of people. 4 of us dealing with the youth side, 4 for the adults side. haha. and that's half of the office at the Simei side! haha.
Was just thinking back on the DISC test i recently retook at the interview. during work, i switch to being a melancholic-choleric under stress. haha. thought that was quite true. more perfectionistic and having high expectations of self i guess. and pushing for things to be done.

Just realized it's been some time since I've updated my blog. lol.
too many things have been happening. heard that his parents are going for a long trip to make sense of things and to get over their grief.
the rollercoaster ride of emotions that I went through last week drained me rather. so I'm glad to be able to have a quiet week at work this week. School's winding down as students go into the last lap of the examinations, and with the sec 4 and 5 students going into O level mode.

I wanted to type to say that I'm really blessed through this short journey of applying for the new job. haha. i didn't even do much searching! I sent my resume down to LCCS and realized that they've changed the contact person for applications. lol. Thank God for Samuel who called Lay Hoon directly and asked her for her email for me to send my resume to. haha. Blessed by the speed of things, and blessed by the whole interview experience as well :)
Something that Lay Hoon said stuck with me - that they've been praying for God to send someone in to help with the female casework, and in I come. haha. I was just reminded of when I first came in, Jun Ting and Hui Choon were also praying for new people to come in after a fruitless period of time, and in I came.
I'm so blessed to be able to be moved to be where God wants me to be at that time, and to meet a need, or to be the answer for prayer requests. like, wow.
Last year was a year of healing, and this year was to be a year of continual healing and settling things, as well as it being a time of growth. I find this year to have been rather bombastic, and I guess I rather enjoy knowing that I'm growing. haha. to go through new experiences with God, to claim different promises and sides of Him. though it's still an extremely painful year, I welcome it.
thank God for the people in my life who've been my sources of support though. appreciate them this year more than others :)

I think one of the things I really learned after doing counselling for 3 and a half years, is that I now know my emotional limit. In that, I know when it's time to say no to doing something, or going somewhere to handle something if I know that I may not be able to take it/have not had time to process it.

Seeya in a while.

ex youth prison offenders? :)
まだ決めませんが、たぶんね。
ちょっと怖いですが、わくわくする。

lol.
my friend connected me to the head of family life services division in feiyue. it feels slightly awkward to send a resume in through the pulling of strings. haha.

2 hen parties in 2 weeks.
and then lots of weddings to attend after that.
haha.
a time of rejoicing! :)

1) A likes B, B likes C, so A helps B and C get together.
2) A likes B, C likes B, A knows C likes B, so A stops liking B intentionally.
3) A likes B, B likes C, C knows A liked B, A gives the blessings to B and C.
4) A likes B, B likes C, A helps B get to know C.

why does A keep getting into this kind of scenario?

how do you write something that's bittersweet?
like it's a happy scene, but it makes people cry. hahaa.
i get the emotion, but i can't get the knack of writing it.
i guess that's what sets coffee prince slightly apart from the other kdramas in a similar plot line.
coffee prince episode 8's ending is bittersweet, and i've yet to see another episode like this.

i think it's not easy to decide if you want to keep your child when you're a teenager. traumatic experience.

I think being a tour guide would be interesting! :) haha.
Am currently planning and thinking out where to bring my friend's french friend to on Thursday night when he reaches Singapore...
haha. I think I rather enjoy bringing people to do activities or going to interesting places. Like showing them how a place is like. lol. but then again, these are most likely activities or places that i like as well, so i'm not sure if the excitement comes from being able to experience going to these places again, or if it's cos i can show them these places that i'm excited. haha.

Quoted from a facebook group conversation from an owner talking about the habits of her cat:
"or on the bathroom mat right after u shower just to show that he's there for u lol"
haha.
ya. i agree with this! people usually have the impression that cats are not loyal, or that they're very independent.
i like to think that they're a healthy reflection of how relationships with humans should be. that there're times when you just wanna pursue your own interest and assert your individuality, but at the end of the day, your cat shows you that she/he knows who the owner is.
she sleeps near you, sits by your side, wakes u up by biting you (hahaa)/calling out for u.
chi doesn't sit on the bathroom mat after i shower, but she always waits outside the toilet when i poo. hahaha!
and greets me when i come home:)

From Si Jia's facebook:
Peace is more than the absence of conflict; peace is the presence of God.
"Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way." —2 Thessalonians 3:16

I guess naturally, I don't like conflicts. haha. I prefer things to be smooth-going and everyone to be striving for what their potential is. of course, the world works rather differently.
so the above is an apt reminder. that peace is the presence of God.

SBS Drama '아름다운 그대에게 (For You in Full Blossom)'_Making Film 12

haha. i still find that this is one of the funniest behind-the-scenes i've seen.

my schedule, and subsequently my thoughts and emotions, were a little thrown off in the last two weeks. haha. realized that i do really need a period of time in the week to be able to spend extended solitude time with God :) i guess being really sick doesn't really help. so thank God for doctors and medicine and for a body that's steadily recovering (other than the persistent cough and the continually gurgling stomach -it's still making funny noises! and occasional visits to the loo). haha.
i'm glad how things are coming in at proper timings though. had a break from counselling ministry cos i've finished the cases, and there were no new referrals throughout these months, whereby i can focus on other things (e.g. work and script writing). but now as these take a backseat soon, a new referral has just come in (in my niche area somemore. hoho. even as this area was brought to mind recently once again). and i'd soon be heading into more intensive revision for Japanese in preparation for N3. i guess i really want to be able to do revision at this point in time as I haven't been able to spend time in doing homework (much less revision) for Japanese for the entire year. hahaha. so before i move on to advanced japanese (woohoo!), i wanna ensure that my basics can be more or less grounded.

as a gentle reminder:
happiness is really not the end goal of living. sanctification is.
the world doesn't quite make sense if we keep viewing happiness as the end goal of living. biblical principles won't quite make sense in the midst of moral decisions either.
but if we view sanctification as the end goal, then the perspectives change, and everything falls nicely into place.
not to say that sanctification will make people unhappy, unhappiness may occur during sanctification because pruning is not necessarily a pleasant process, right? :) haha

my lungs are full of phlegm.
my nose is blocked.
i'm in a haze.
and having diarrhoea.
and cramps.
my bones feel twinges now and then.

and i'm craving for tea and mooncakes. hahaa.

lol. I find that I've been more motivated to work in these few weeks, as compared to the previous months. Am not sure if that's because there's been more projects these days for me to do, or because I now have a group of peers in the school whom I can have fun with, not that I couldn't have fun with the teams I was in, but there's always a certain kind of age barrier, or some things which I can't identify with.
my other ftsc has been on a constant campaign to persuade me to stay though. lol. i'm starting to prepare for leaving by informing the people around me (e.g. my cluster supervisor, and cluster people). i guess i need to do this properly since the new person is not here for me to handover too. am suddenly not sure how to tell my students. or what will happen if i tell my students. rather worried at this moment, especially the ones whom i die die cannot put my heart down （死死放不下心). i hope they can finish their 4 years in school well.
T_T

Kim So Eun & Lee Hyun Woo Clinique CF

eye smiles! haha

"Their energy levels increase the more functions they have to attend, the more people they have to meet and the more activities they have to organise."
--> haha. true to a certain extent.
i saw this and laughed while i was searching online for enfjs and the people they appreciate.
recently i've learned to appreciate some people more, specifically the ones who are investing/have invested in my lives.
i think the thing about usually being the one to give is that people just assume that you don't need to receive, that's it's okay to take from you, to assume thar you will listen, that you will give the time, and so on, and so forth. and then they might become angry when you don't give what they expect of you to them. unappreciative people.
so i'm particularly appreciate of people who give to me. not in terms of items, or gifts, but the thought, the support given, the care that's provided. The people who have won my hearts and will continue to stay in my memory for a long time yet. The ones I want to just keep by my side, and continue to keep in touch with through the ages (though some may not be possible). the ones whom i've learned from.

was feeling blessed last week cos had a good time with two of my counsellor friends after training on wed (and got scolded by p and vp for not going back to school after my training -_- they expected me to go back at 3pm and leave at 5pm. wow.)
also had a good time with some of the teachers after staff dinner :) first time going out with them. haha. it was good to just hang out with people around my age :) haha. around my generation, when i can be identified with.

sleeping for 4 hrs for 2 nights in a row is no joke when you're past 25. hahaa.
my brain is neither alert, nor fuzzy, it's just there. like, there.

heh. i may end up in Fei Yue afterall.

hahaa i quite enjoyed the extended time with Lynn and Samuel today =) had training at HPB in the morning, and saw them (and jiadai), then went off with them and had lunch, after which Samuel suggested that we go to Lynn's new home (in Punggol! unrenovated! hahaha) and after that to his new home, and ta-da, off we go for our own self-declared learning journey.
so it was a whole afternoon talking about interior design (possible design of Lynn's new house), and the very clever design of Samuel's house. haha. really very nice!
had the chance to just discuss about future counselling options with them as well, and told them about my decision to leave. discussed about ADD as well. hahaha. pretty refreshing i guess, since i'm talking to people who understand the situation, and know about how the counselling sector is, and know the difference between the 'standard' of school counselling and the external social service sector. school counselling is really very narrowed. and there're a lot of chapalangs. haha.
talked about backpacking too. haha. samuel and his wife previously spent 6 months just backpacking around Australia. hahaa. i guess backpacking for an extended period of time is something which I'd like to try as well. hahaa.

Sunny & Luna - It's Me 是我啊 [致美麗的妳/ To The Beautiful You OST] (中文字幕) .mp3

Sunny's voice sounds sweet in here =)

hahaa at L'etoile and I've only spent 1/5 of the time here trying to do up the script in advance. realized that I need to get into the mode of script writing after such a long time, and it's rather hard to start one when you know that it's a collaboration. i think it's easier to write a script myself D:
they're filming something on my left at this moment (has been for the past 3 hours. haha). and there was this guy who's been playing war of warcraft for the whole time that he was here. I think I should write out my own summary of the play, as well as brief lines to each part, so that I'd be able to have a clearer picture of how to write. I guess I'm also not used to having so many parts to the play ba D:

I think it's interesting to note a person's personality type. recently just realized that we have an ESFP in the lg. haha

I was reading "Predictably Irrational" when it talked about how a person is willing to do things for others, but not when he/she is paid to do so. In the chapter, Dan Ariely talked about social economics and market economics - that a relationship when one does things for another willingly is based on social economics, but talking about money brings it into the realm of the market, thus rendering a person to adopt the mentality of calculating the worth of his/her hours.
I've also realized that I am the most motivated when I'm working in the realm of social economics - that I can give my all to you knowing that I'm not receiving any money for it, but knowing that I'm paid for my job doesn't really motivate me at all. And it irks me more when my VP brings up PB or ranking or whatsoever in the effort to push me to do more things, cos it just doesn't work.
So I've decided to adopt the mentality that I'm working at the school because I want to work to help (which is kind of true at this moment). And I realized that time passes much faster, and I am more motivated to do more cos it becomes something enjoyable once again, rather than work. I guess money doesn't really matter much to me now (other than the fact that I have to pay for fees and give my parents money, and have to have enough to eat) since I no longer feels the constant desire to want to be out of Singapore.
I do want to save up money to go for STM at New Zealand though :)
Everything seems to fall much more in place now =) I guess I was never meant to be a person who works for the sake of money. If not for the fact that I'm still having Japanese lessons and fees (school fees and insurance) to pay, and parents who're not earning much, and the social pressure to save up to prepare for the future, I think I'd be rather happy just volunteering my time away. hahaa.

Editting my CV at this moment.
As I was mentioning to some people, I realized that my intense desire to travel was reduced now that I know that I would not be staying in the job. I guess the fact that I'm involved in a few personal projects also reduced that desire. Like I have things which I want to complete and I enjoy the things that I'm going to do. I look forward to them, despite knowing that it may be tiring. I guess it's the anticipation that fires the drive to do things.
as often mentioned, an interested ADD-er is a focused/hyperfocused ADD-er. hahaa

Lots of outflow of finances. haha

ah. my lenovo lappie died after 3 years and 6 months of usage. hahaa. i guess it's not as hardy as the generation before (when it was still IBM. haha. since IBM allowed me to drop my lappie 17 times before it died). sadly, it seems like a new chapter of my life opens with the buying of a new laptop (i bought one before i went into uni, then one before i went into the post-grad diploma for school counselling, then now that i've decided to change jobs, my lappie happily dies on me too). haha.
was doing some simple market research, and the choices easily boiled down to either Apple or Asus. hahaa. sadly, Asus is out of stock EVERYWHERE. the casing was really pretty though (aluminium casing, with a beautifully designed outer, and packed with good specifications! good for playing intense games! hahaa.)
but since i need a lappie urgently, and i don't play a lot of games on the lappie anymore (more of watching anime, and dramas...) and i need my lappie to be portable and durable, i've settled on Samsung's ultrabook series 5 3.3inch lappie. it's not meant for games, but for everything else it's pretty alright. the keyboard is rather shallow, but it makes typing easy. hahaa. i still prefer the solid typing of lenovo, but well... hahaa. i guess samsung's series 9 is more power packed, but it's also $800 sing more. hahaa.
i hope the lappie lasts though! :) let's see how long this one will last. hahaa.

And so, I was evaluating what caused me to miss my Secondary school friends.. and why I feel that I'm in a state where I seem to living only 20-30% of the life that I'm intended to live. And I realized the following things about myself:

1) I miss the vibrancy and energy of my secondary school friends. My 2 best friends are both very upbeat people (probably both sanguines) and rather bubbly/emotional (as in they emote well. hahaa. and they willingly share. and share their thoughts as well).

2) I'm used to being surrounded by quirky and motivated people. hahaa. i think my entire class was rather quirky! and each one has something that one is passionate about (be it the right or wrong things). hahaa. each has a distinct and strong personality i guess. not necessarily very healthy self esteems, or whatsoever, but definitely distinctly different. like you can use one word to summarize that person. they shine in different ways. and i think i'm that kind of person as well. you can say that we're pretty shaped by the education system to want to push things forward. haha. we can be quite lawless too.

3) i miss the intellectual stimulation. I was wondering why recently I keep feeling that there's a need not met, specifically that I feel I've not been learning - and this has caused great mental boredom. hahaa. my mind doesn't feel challenged. and it has grown lazy. so I guess it's great that script writing is rousing my slumbering mind once again. but not just that. my learning comes mainly from modelling and experiencing things, so there's been a great lack in there i guess. God~!

4) I haven't really felt challenged these days. like there hasn't been something that requires me to really push myself, or go beyond my own abilities. I've not had to sacrifice much, nor had to be humbled much. I miss living on the edge for God, or just plain living on the edge. perhaps the best analogy would be that i've been cocooned (in that I've been growing, but it's a very safe way of growing). I'm in the cocoon waiting for the time when I can break out and break through. and woohooo! rise above the leaves and bask in the warmth of the sun.

5) God has created me such that when I have an over-arching goal, I can work towards it. I've had a lack of such a goal recently. I was trying to write out a bucket list, and I realized that actually I don't have much that I really want to do. hahahaa. I can safely say that if I die tomorrow, I won't have much regrets, other that the fact that my loved ones may not know Christ yet. I am currently in the state of dispensibility (it's a good thing! though it also reduces my motivation for being excited about being on this earth). I guess God created me to want to push through with things? I guess some things that are still in stagnancy (and has to be pushed through) are simply too repeititive for me. Perhaps my over-arching goal should be that I have a breakthrough in the mundane. haha.

anyway, my desire to travel around has been greatly decreased. And I've forgotten to have lunch yet once again D:

Salary increase for all teachers and allied educators! LOL
i find this rather amusing cos well, could it be that a lot of people are leaving the sector? o_O

The following was not written by me:

From Shane Clairborne:

To all my nonbelieving, sort-of-believing, and used-to-be-believing friends: I feel like I should begin with a confession. I am sorry that so often the biggest obstacle to God has been Christians. Christians who have had so much to say with our mouths and so little to show with our lives. I am sorry that so often we have forgotten the Christ of our Christianity.

Forgive us. Forgive us for the embarrassing things we have done in the name of God.

The other night I headed into downtown Philly for a stroll with some friends from out of town. We walked down to Penn's Landing along the river, where there are street performers, artists, musicians. We passed a great magician who did some pretty sweet tricks like pour change out of his iPhone, and then there was a preacher. He wasn't quite as captivating as the magician. He stood on a box, yelling into a microphone, and beside him was a coffin with a fake dead body inside. He talked about how we are all going to die and go to hell if we don't know Jesus.

Some folks snickered. Some told him to shut the hell up. A couple of teenagers tried to steal the dead body in the coffin. All I could do was think to myself, I want to jump up on a box beside him and yell at the top of my lungs, "God is not a monster." Maybe next time I will.

The more I have read the Bible and studied the life of Jesus, the more I have become convinced that Christianity spreads best not through force but through fascination. But over the past few decades our Christianity, at least here in the United States, has become less and less fascinating. We have given the atheists less and less to disbelieve. And the sort of Christianity many of us have seen on TV and heard on the radio looks less and less like Jesus.

At one point Gandhi was asked if he was a Christian, and he said, essentially, "I sure love Jesus, but the Christians seem so unlike their Christ." A recent study showed that the top three perceptions of Christians in the U. S. among young non-Christians are that Christians are 1) antigay, 2) judgmental, and 3) hypocritical. So what we have here is a bit of an image crisis, and much of that reputation is well deserved. That's the ugly stuff. And that's why I begin by saying that I'm sorry.

Now for the good news.

I want to invite you to consider that maybe the televangelists and street preachers are wrong — and that God really is love. Maybe the fruits of the Spirit really are beautiful things like peace, patience, kindness, joy, love, goodness, and not the ugly things that have come to characterize religion, or politics, for that matter. (If there is anything I have learned from liberals and conservatives, it's that you can have great answers and still be mean... and that just as important as being right is being nice.)

The Bible that I read says that God did not send Jesus to condemn the world but to save it... it was because "God so loved the world." That is the God I know, and I long for others to know. I did not choose to devote my life to Jesus because I was scared to death of hell or because I wanted crowns in heaven... but because he is good. For those of you who are on a sincere spiritual journey, I hope that you do not reject Christ because of Christians. We have always been a messed-up bunch, and somehow God has survived the embarrassing things we do in His name. At the core of our "Gospel" is the message that Jesus came "not [for] the healthy... but the sick." And if you choose Jesus, may it not be simply because of a fear of hell or hope for mansions in heaven.

Don't get me wrong, I still believe in the afterlife, but too often all the church has done is promise the world that there is life after death and use it as a ticket to ignore the hells around us. I am convinced that the Christian Gospel has as much to do with this life as the next, and that the message of that Gospel is not just about going up when we die but about bringing God's Kingdom down. It was Jesus who taught us to pray that God's will be done "on earth as it is in heaven." On earth.

One of Jesus' most scandalous stories is the story of the Good Samaritan. As sentimental as we may have made it, the original story was about a man who gets beat up and left on the side of the road. A priest passes by. A Levite, the quintessential religious guy, also passes by on the other side (perhaps late for a meeting at church). And then comes the Samaritan... you can almost imagine a snicker in the Jewish crowd. Jews did not talk to Samaritans, or even walk through Samaria. But the Samaritan stops and takes care of the guy in the ditch and is lifted up as the hero of the story. I'm sure some of the listeners were ticked. According to the religious elite, Samaritans did not keep the right rules, and they did not have sound doctrine... but Jesus shows that true faith has to work itself out in a way that is Good News to the most bruised and broken person lying in the ditch.

It is so simple, but the pious forget this lesson constantly. God may indeed be evident in a priest, but God is just as likely to be at work through a Samaritan or a prostitute. In fact the Scripture is brimful of God using folks like a lying prostitute named Rahab, an adulterous king named David... at one point God even speaks to a guy named Balaam through his donkey. Some say God spoke to Balaam through his ass and has been speaking through asses ever since. So if God should choose to use us, then we should be grateful but not think too highly of ourselves. And if upon meeting someone we think God could never use, we should think again.

After all, Jesus says to the religious elite who looked down on everybody else: "The tax collectors and prostitutes are entering the Kingdom ahead of you." And we wonder what got him killed?

I have a friend in the UK who talks about "dirty theology" — that we have a God who is always using dirt to bring life and healing and redemption, a God who shows up in the most unlikely and scandalous ways. After all, the whole story begins with God reaching down from heaven, picking up some dirt, and breathing life into it. At one point, Jesus takes some mud, spits in it, and wipes it on a blind man's eyes to heal him. (The priests and producers of anointing oil were not happy that day.)

In fact, the entire story of Jesus is about a God who did not just want to stay "out there" but who moves into the neighborhood, a neighborhood where folks said, "Nothing good could come." It is this Jesus who was accused of being a glutton and drunkard and rabble-rouser for hanging out with all of society's rejects, and who died on the imperial cross of Rome reserved for bandits and failed messiahs. This is why the triumph over the cross was a triumph over everything ugly we do to ourselves and to others. It is the final promise that love wins.


It is this Jesus who was born in a stank manger in the middle of a genocide. That is the God that we are just as likely to find in the streets as in the sanctuary, who can redeem revolutionaries and tax collectors, the oppressed and the oppressors... a God who is saving some of us from the ghettos of poverty, and some of us from the ghettos of wealth.

In closing, to those who have closed the door on religion — I was recently asked by a non-Christian friend if I thought he was going to hell. I said, "I hope not. It will be hard to enjoy heaven without you." If those of us who believe in God do not believe God's grace is big enough to save the whole world... well, we should at least pray that it is.

--> serves as an apt reminder of the God whom I love and serve

facebook is great for catching up on the news of old friends. haha.
looks like my old best friend has a new girlfriend. hoho
ah. i miss my funky friends.

sometimes being in a caregiving profession means that there's a certain set of people around, whom i appreciate, but there's that wiggly feeling in me that somehow hints that i'm not being around people whom i'm totally comfortable with.

maybe that's why i enjoy drama. haha.

this is what happens when you have two conflicting sides in you. that on one hand i need lots of time to reflect, and on the other hand, i need that space to be creative and run around too. haha

Take All Of Me- Hillsong United

Got reminded of this song when i saw printed copies of this song's chords:) what happened to our spiritual habits? and have we forgotten the child-like faith and dependency on God?

ENFJ - Possible Blind Spots
ENFJs are so empathetic and caring that they can become overly involved the problems or feelings of others. Sometimes they choose causes that aren’t worthy of all the time and energy they pour into them.  When things don’t turn out well, they can become overwhelmed, disappointed, or disillusioned.

This can lead them to withdraw, feeling they weren’t appreciated. ENFJs need to learn to accept their own limitations as well as those of the people they care about. They also need to learn how to “pick their battles” and how to maintain realistic expectations --> gotta remind myself of this
Because of their strong desire for harmony, ENFJs can overlook their own needs and ignore real problems. Because they avoid conflict, they sometimes maintain relationships that are less than honest and equal.--> like we'd realize that the relationships are poisonous to us, but we just continue them. which is really not beneficial for our own health. or that we'd choose to excuse poor behaviour, and let it silently build up at times when we're not aware. thank God there're other people who're aware though ENFJs are so concerned about the feelings of others that they can be blind to important facts when the situation involves criticism or hurt feelings. It’s important that ENFJs learn how to accept and deal with conflict as a necessary part of relationships.
Because they are enthusiastic and in a hurry to get on with their next challenge, ENFJ’s sometimes make incorrect assumptions or make decisions too quickly, without gathering all the important facts. They need to slow down and pay closer attention to the details of their projects. By waiting until enough information is known, they can avoid making mistakes
ENFJs focus on emotions to the point that they can fail to see the logical consequences of their actions. Trying to focus on the facts, not just the people, involved in their decisions can be helpful.
ENFJs respond well to praise, but are easily hurt by criticism, which can make them appear touchy. They take even the most innocent or well-intentioned criticism personally, and they often respond by becoming flustered, hurt, or angry. Their responses can be illogical to the point that they appear downright irrational to others. ENFJs do well to stop, take a step back, and try to see a situation objectively before reacting. Trying to be less sensitive will enable an ENFJ to hear the important and helpful information that is contained in constructive criticism.
ENFJs are so idealistic that they tend to see things the way they wish they were. They are vulnerable to idealising relationships, and they tend to overlook facts that contradict what they believe. ENFJs who don’t learn to face facts they find disagreeable end up ignoring their problems instead of finding solutions for them. In general, ENFJs need to try to keep their eyes open as well as their hearts

--> in summary, set proper thickened boundaries, and be less ready to respond with emotions.

old places, new memories :)
it's like God is allowing new memories to be added to these old places so that the old places would not always trigger back old memories. and in one night, 2 of the critical places are covered. haha.
it's great to be able to learn from others!

hahaa. Chi's gonna kill me.
I've officially forgotten to buy her her daily snacks for 4 days in a row. hahahaa.
she's meowing like crazy now. haha

Nanny Mcphee:
"when you need me, and do not want me, then I will stay. When you want me, but do not need me, then I have to go"

Corrinne May - Crooked Lines

He turns our groaning into perfect rhyme
hidden by the veil of time
the wisdom of His love's design
God writes straight with crooked lines

the topic of pain is something that resonates very strongly with me, partly cos I'm closely accustomed to it, and partly cos I see it much in the people whom I see.
was touched by the testimonies today, partly cos I wasn't expecting the testimonies, partly cos of the familiarity of the topic. i guessed many times when I'm doing counselling, i needed to suspend my own emotions and reactions and focus fully on my clients, but there're times when i forget to attend to those suspended emotions and reactions, and when i saw the testimonies, they came crashing down from where they were suspended and flooded me for a while.
which i'm glad for i guess, cos there're times i wonder if having exposed to so much has deadened my compassion and heart for people. so these times remind me that my heart's still working, that i still love, and the compassion to want to let them know that God can write straight with crooked lines rings in me.

"The abandoning" - 26/08/12

i looked across the mellowed sea
with surface calm and currents deep
and boxes sinking rapidly
with memories which are mine to keep

i took a boat and sailed it out
saw with my eyes the lands i scout
through boundaries i am to flout
lay opportunities about

should i to stay in a place today
where troubles streams along my way
that though the heart was given full
to waste my heart they lay

and so the gate was opened wide
i took a step and in one stride
plunged straight into the ocean deep
my path in His trusted hands to keep

I really can't wait to whip my room into shape so that I can have my loft bed and aircon. hahaa.
everytime when i know i'm supposed to churn out something I have the desire to run to a nice hotel room and coop myself up in it so that i won't be distracted by the many things that happen around me. haha.

The days of long ago - Xin Ying (25/08/12)

We started out with differences
As most friendships do
Ours, however, went much deeper
I'm sure you felt it too
But forced we were, to set things right
we sat and talked through many nights
the tears were shed, the shoutings done
and soon the peace begun
For years it was, four years it was,
the friendship firmed and stood
support you gave, the things i've learned
in the days of long ago.

but now, my dear friend,
what happened? what gave?
what war that raged? and to what end?
that caused your crumbling faith?
how could it be
after all you've seen
the things He's brought you through
deny in your heart
declare in your life
that He no longer lives in you?
what happened to you, my mentor my friend,
to the vision we heldthe race we're running
the covenant bound by blood.
what happened to the days we served
the people we loved
only by His strength upheld.
what happened to the you I knew
from the days of long ago?

i guess disney tugs at the heartstrings cos the songs sung reminds one of childhood and sends shivers down one's spine. it's the association!

Mumford and Sons with Birdy - Learn me Right / Disney Pixar's Brave OST

seriously love the music in the soundtrack. haha. was captivated from the first song "touch the sky"

Rowan Atkinson LIVE 07 Guys After The Game

haha. doing my hw for drama. Rowan Atkinson's good here!

Recently I was just thinking that just as how we grow up and realize more things/new things as a human in the world, similarly we grow up and realize more things as a believer as well.
when i was young as a believer, God protected me from a lot of things. the leaders shielded the members from the impact of our unit leader leaving church, God protected me from falling into temptations which I might not otherwise have recovered, or protected me from serious 'injuries'. life was much rosier in a way. sure, i went through persecutions and testings, but there were people along who guided me, the belief in God, childlike, brought me forward with much hope.
along the way, one grows and starts to realize that actually, things are not as rosy as it seemed to be. the church is still made up of human beings who sin, i, as a human being, has that equal propensity to fall, leaders are fellow humans whom God has called to lead us, and are in no way perfect, or less fallible.
and then disappointments set in, when you see that people whom you've put your trust in fall away, people who have once loved God fervently doing things that hurt God.. or simply people who're leading you breaking promises easily. there're times one starts to compare the leaders in church and the ones out of church, and you start to wonder at times, hmm, why's this person even leading me?
and just as how as an adolescent, or a young adult, we realize that our parents are actually imperfect human beings as well, we have to make the choice to respect even when the respect may not be earned. that ultimately, i guess there's the choice to make to honour the God above everything, to choose to serve or to model the right example and attitudes even when others may not be doing so. cos ultimately, my leader is Jesus.

the good thing about starting work at 7am is that in 1 hr and 20 mins i can officially go homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~
the bad thing about starting work at 7am is that my brain was doing this ______________ for the time from 7-10am. hahaa. well, at least i conducted the rc meeting during that time :X

quoted from the article i was reading:

“The only way to get through to them was to acknowledge that their behavior made sense: Thoughts of death were sweet release given what they were suffering. "


“acceptance of life as it is, not as it is supposed to be; and the need to change, despite that reality and because of it."

random re-posting

my friend posted this up previously in one of "our formerly existent, but currently being buried in a grave of dust" blog.
"Do you think," she said, "you'll ever write in English?"

"It would be hard choice to make," he said, as though he pondered it often.

"But why would it be a choice?" she asked. "Couldn't you write in both?"

"I don't know," he said. "It may be that languages are like lovers. You can have more than one at a time. But perhaps it is possible to love only one at a time."

Just told my other counsellor about my decision.
---
I've always found it interesting, and really rather annoying, whenever a certain higher management tries to coerce me into doing more work by using ranking as a threat. seriously, it doesn't work, and it's pretty demeaning (to me) to think that i come into my profession with the purpose of rising in my ranks. Not to say promotion or salary scales don't affect me as a person, but ultimately, it would never take the place of the fulfillment of just being able to see someone change in my heart.
but finances are important, because in a giving profession, it's one of the things that justify the amount of giving which is taking place, without burning someone out. like being paid for something that's done takes away the subtle question in the mind of 'why am i giving you so much of myself when you don't even seem to appreciate it at all?'
in church, the purpose behind the giving justifies it, but in a secular setting, payment helps to reduce that question (seeing the person change ultimately helps to reduce that as well). haha.
the matter of fact counsellor speaks. hoho.
on another note, i also find it amusing, and slightly annoying, when i notice people trying to manipulate me with the words they say, or the atmosphere. as if i wouldn't have noticed it, even if they don't -_- people use emotional blackmail a lot more than they realize they do ;)

haha. seeing the different people at the xmas brainstorming session was like seeing a gathering of the different pastoral ministries i've been to. derek reminds me of pre-tertiary, dennis and gwen and jiali and jasmine of youth, charn reminds me of uni-ya.. and what a joy to be able to serve together with them again after so many years :)
like, wow, it's been so many years but it's so heartening to see u all.
haha. quite enjoyed the time as well, i guess i miss having a group of people whom i can bounce ideas off? or somewhere where imagination can be used. i miss the creative process of creating something, and it was rather enjoyable to already have the skeleton out cos i can just add on to it. haha.
was thinking/dreaming about what the theme could possibly be, and the actual thing talked about turned out to be pretty similar to what i thought it would be. thought tt was interesting too. though the focus is slightly different. haha. i thought it would be on sacrifice. hahaa.
looking forward to the days ahead :D

i hate it when something unjust is said towards me, or something unfair about me is said about me when the person doesn't understand the whole long history behind something that's been done.
but i guess sometimes we just have to learn to adopt the words of Jesus in saying
'forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing."
and surely there have been also times when others allow us that benefit of the doubt and forgive us out of grace.
it still irks me though.

Editting my room!

My sister is moving back in with us, so she's decided to clear out her room.
So I've also decided to re-design my room (again). hahaa.
Am going to get a loft bed so that I have more floor space in my room (since I share that space with Chi's litter tray... hahaa)
Am going to create a Chi's corner too! just haven't decided which corner would be good :) hahaha. well. maybe put curtains around the area to seal it? guess it would be nice for chi to hide in too. hahaa. not too sure at this moment. I think a Chi's corner is a slight waste of space considering that it's just one litter tray down there. maybe i can put a storage box underneath? hahahahaa. well. haven't planned out the design.
my room is STILL pretty messy, and i STILL don't have much sense as to how to get it organized. though i'm quite excited about my loft bed :D

has been searching up on part time/summer/au pair jobs in Japan. haha. thinking of doing a bit of internship/work the next time i go to Japan :)
---------------------------------------------------
"You should never counsel your family or friends as you can 't be objective in a close relationship"

hahaa. there was once (some time ago) when I was really peeved, and to help myself manage that anger, i googled up angry enfj.
and found this description rather interesting:
"Level I - The Introversion

- A little rage, minor frustration that I can normally deal with with a little sarcasm, a little venting and talking to a friend
- I become a little passive aggressive --> I can relate to this
- My body movements become stiffer than usual
- I become quiet for a few hours or a day till I find someone to talk to and provide me emotional support i become quiet, but usually i can resolve it myself. usually when i'm talking to someone about it, it means that i'm rather pissed off about it

Level II - The Implosion.

- I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up
- My hands start shaking and I immediately have a strong urge to punch something [not someone -- of course !!]
- Adrenaline rush
- I control these urges as best as I can however
- I feel a strong urge to shout to be heard, but I don't.
- In the end, I become overly sarcastic, overly critical and start speaking in irrational think-speak so far, have happened to me over with regards to one person, and after a lot of disappointments. hurhur
- Sometimes, I actually become extremely cool in this state as well.


Level III - The Explosion
- I feel like I have to destroy the person who hurt me completely
- I do start shouting and screaming to the point where my throat goes sore
- I want to hit out verbally at the other person's deepest insecurities and completely destroy their view of themselves and even malign them in the eyes of others by revealing their deepest darkest secrets that they've trusted me with [but I don't] -->lol. I think this happens in the implosion stage as well.
- In private, I become threatening but to myself and not the other person. I damage myself because of course I can't damage the other person.
- I punch walls with my fists to the point where I've broken my hand, made it bleed [I have many scars] I think this is written by a guy
- I go completely silent after the explosion but once it's out of my system, I become extremely apologetic after and feel guilty for days after oh. i can identify with the completely silent part. I've only exploded twice in my life i think. both towards my family members. quite a couple of years ago. hope the spirit tempered me won't see this happening again.

i guess nowadays i get rather quick in noticing the changes in my mood cos of the meta analysis going on in my head. i think nowadays i seldom experience very big changes in my mood too - thank God. lol

Going for the "Transformation of At-Risk Youths" conference in November. the slogan that was presented to us was 'It's not about what I am now, but what I can be, if you believe in me."
haha.
I guess generally I'm someone who'd look at a person beyond himself/herself now, but there are times when I get so frustrated with the person that I withdraw unto myself, and stop believing in the change that can happen to the person. Though after that the Holy Spirit generally prompts me to rethink and re-evaluate things. I guess seeing the change that happens to me and other people helps me to go on, knowing that God is in control and that the person is ultimately responsible for his/her own response to people and God helps me to go on too. I'd do my part, but it's the other person's choice as to respond or not.

Recently I had quite a scary dream. I dreamt that we were all going through a survival game of some sort (including my sister and my mother). The dream started with me choosing which tunnel (different tunnels present a different sort of obstaces) to go down to, as the wrong tunnel chosen will mean a certain sort of death. I remember running through the tunnel and seeing knives fly.
We were left with 100 people for the 2nd last round. And for the 2nd last round, the instructions given to us was that we have to choose one person out of the 100 to commit suicide O_O
I woke up before we went to the trial, but I remembered that in my dream I was wondering how in the world would we be able to do that, and how it would be if we continued to live knowing that we directly caused that person to die. And if I should volunteer to die instead.
it was a horrible dream, and a horrible question.
Goodness knows why I have this kind of weird dreams.

am in post holiday depression cos i still haven't had time to sit in a quiet cool environment and just ponder about things for the whole day. i guess i really do need quite a bit of time alone afterall.

I think I feel slightly irritated whenever people overemphasize on safety, or on convenience.. I mean, is life meant to be forever safe and things to be convenient?

having not used Gestalt therapy for a period of time, am feeling slightly hesitant about using it, but i guess it's needed for the cases i have now. working with a client who has depression and while considering about what therapy to use with her, gestalt keeps coming to mind.
lol.
excited in a way cos i enjoy using this therapy, and i've seen for myself the effectiveness it can carry, but slightly hesitant cos of the recent lack of use. haha. hope that God will empower me in the session to carry it well :)

today's one of those days that I feel like scolding the angry young boys who'd break their pens just because they're angry at being shouted at.

just finished Kokoro Connect episode 5 :\ a rather heavyish episode (though I thought it would have been interesting to know what Iori's last words for everyone was, other than Taichi...). the twist caught me slightly by surprise.

Conversations About The Gifted Education Program (2012)

I've not finished watching the whole video, but I figured that it would be an interesting insight into how some of the other batches have thought/felt. To this day, it's still hard to believe that I was part of the programme aimed at the top 1% of the cohort as my studying years were entangled and mashed up together with my ADD, as well as a whole range of other weird issues which my classmates were facing. Having said that, I guess what I took away from the programme, was not so much of the academic aspect of it, than the fact that we had much freedom to do the things we wanted, as well as the friendships that we had. I enjoyed doing the independent research project every year, I enjoyed roughing through the days preparing for CHAOs, I enjoyed playing basketball/soccer during every single recess period, and I enjoyed the quirkiness of the people around me. To tell the truth, I really don't remember doing much studying, other than in the months before the examinations.
I guess people who look at the programme will always think of how elitist it is.. for us who've been through it, it would be the fun (and pain) of the programme that stays with us. Nobody ever realized how painful it can be for us (in our growing up years, and even now as adult), to be always looked at with a different set of eyes, to be labelled in a different way. I guess in our hearts, we know we would always be slightly different, and yet, we do face what everyone faces as well.

Imagine you have 10 TV's and 10 radios on different channels and 10 little kids jumping up and down saying "Look at me! Look at me!" all at full volume from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep. The less interesting something is, the less likely you'll be able to keep it in focus. You have to constantly fight to keep yourself on track because you never know what's going to grab your attention next. If something REALLY interesting happens your mind hyper-focuses on it and blocks out EVERYTHING else until the excitement passes. It's pretty much the only time you feel in control.

- written by someone trying to explain how ADHD/add is like. 

Intimate Note - SNSD [Full - English Subs]

laughed all the way. haha. they did this in 2009.

what do u see when you look at a person?
i guess when i see someone, usually the first thing i notice is the potential of that person. haha. so in a way i'm rather blind, i may not totally see a person as how the person is now, but more of how the person can be.
sometimes it takes months. sometimes it takes years, but when the potential is drawn out of that person and finally integrated with the person, i'm like 'ah. it's finally here. hahaa'

a little physically tired now. but my soul is refreshed :D
i guess enfjs are the happiest when they can give. i'm rather happy when i can listen to people whom i know will appreciate me. haha.
-----------
do i have any resentment? haha. no.
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God dropped in me an analogy on going through trials just now :D haha.
that we're like sculptures/statues trapped in marble, and the scalpel/knife to carve (i don't know what the name is) is like the trials that mould us and gets rid of the unnecessary marble such that our shape emerges. going through it is painful cos it chips at us, but the beauty of what is revealed after that is worth the pain :) and God will continue to work on us because He wants to show forth the beautiful work He has in mind when He started to work on the slab of marble, that we'd gradually become more and more of the sculpture He has in mind.
i don't know if it makes sense, but in my head it does, and personally i think that's such a beautiful picture. haha.

haha. lost my yesterday productive high today. if yesterday was 85% of my total energy output, today is like 30%.

took this from TotallyADD.com
"In fact, one of the things I’m learning from the course is that most ADDers tend to be next to useless by late afternoon. But we’ll just try and push through it, not getting that a task we could bang off in 30 minutes in the morning, or during our second wind in the evening, can take forever when we’re in our late afternoon brain doze.

Even if you can’t crash out at work, consider scheduling your day to match your energy levels if you can. Which, of course, means understanding and appreciating your energy levels and how much they vary. Coach Linda Walker’s course has us tracking our energy as one of the stepping stones to create a new way of working that dramatically ups our output."

--> ooh! so it seems like I'm not the only one whoe experiences this! that I'm most productive from 10am - 3/4pm, and then I have another spurt around 8pm-1am. haha

The following is an article written by Dr Hallowell (with editting - mainly just boldening, from me. Bolded stuff means these are what I experience constantly. Italics are my own add-ons)

What is it like to have ADD? What is the feel of the syndrome? I have a short talk that I often give to groups as an introduction to the subjective experience of ADD and what it is like to live with it:


Attention Deficit Disorder. First of all, I resent the term. As far as I'm concerned most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, who can pay attention to anything for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? As far as I can see, many people who don't have ADD are charter members of the Congenitally Boring.
But anyway, be that as it may, there is this syndrome called ADD or ADHD, depending on what book you read. So what's it like to have ADD? Some people say the so-called syndrome doesn't even exist, but believe me, it does. Many metaphors come to mind to describe it. It's like driving in the rain with bad windshield wipers. Everything is smudged and blurred and you're speeding along, and it's reeeeally frustrating not being able to see very well. Or, it's like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what's going on. Or, it's like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.

In other ways it's like being super-charged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you've got another idea before you've finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you're trying really hard. It's just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that which makes it really hard to stay on task.

Plus which, you're spilling over all the time. You're drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, whistling, looking here, looking there, scratching, stretching, doodling, and people think you're not paying attention or that you're not interested, but all you're doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I'm taking a walk or listening to music or even when I'm in a crowded, noisy room than when I'm still and surrounded by silence. God save me from the reading rooms. Have you ever been into the one in Widener Library? The only thing that saves it is that so many of the people who use it have ADD that there's a constant soothing bustle.

What is it like to have ADD?

Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, "Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once." Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADD, this does not happen. In ADD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top.
Museums. (Have you noticed how I skip around? That's part of the deal. I change channels a lot. And radio stations. Drives my wife nuts. "Can't we listen to just one song all the way through?") Anyway, museums. The way I go through a museum is the way some people go through Filene's basement. Some of this, some of that, oh, this one looks nice, but what about that rack over there? Gotta hurry, gotta run. It's not that I don't like art. I love art. But my way of loving it makes most people think I'm a real Philistine. On the other hand, sometimes I can sit and look at one painting for a long while. I'll get into the world of the painting and buzz around in there until I forget about everything else. In these moments I, like most people with ADD, can hyperfocus, which gives the lie to the notion that we can never pay attention. Sometimes we have turbocharged focusing abilities. It just depends upon the situation.



Lines. I'm almost incapable of waiting in lines. I just can't wait, you see. That's the hell of it. Impulse leads to action. I'm very short on what you might call the intermediate reflective step between impulse and action. That's why I, like so many people with ADD, lack tact. (Always got scolded in class for speaking out of turn, or bursting out answers. First shepherd taught me to write down my thoughts as they come so that I can hold them till the end of conversation before asking). Tact is entirely dependent on the ability to consider one's words before uttering them. We ADD-types don't do this so well. I remember in the 5th grade I noticed my math teacher's hair in a new style and blurted out, "Mr. Cook, is that a toupee you're wearing?" I got kicked out of class. I've since learned how to say these inappropriate things in such a way or at such a time that they can in fact be helpful. But it has taken time. That's the thing about ADD. It takes a lot of adapting to get on in life. But it certainly can be done, and be done very well.
As you might imagine, intimacy can be a problem if you've got to be constantly changing the subject, pacing, scratching and blurting out tactless remarks. My wife has learned not to take my tuning out personally, and she says that when I'm there, I'm really there. At first, when we met, she thought I was some kind of nut, as I would bolt out of restaurants at the end of meals or disappear to another planet during a conversation. Now she has grown accustomed to my sudden coming and goings.
Many of us with ADD crave high-stimulus situations. (i LOVE rollercoasters. haha. and anything that feels dangerous at the moment - including running across the road, going to unfamiliar places and getting myself lost). In my case, I love the racetrack. And I love the high-intensity crucible of doing psychotherapy.(me too!) And I love having lots of people around. Obviously this tendency can get you into trouble, which is why ADD is high among criminals and self-destructive risk-takers. It is also high among so-called Type A personalities, as well as among manic-depressives, sociopaths and criminals, violent people, drug abusers, and alcoholics. But is is also high among creative and intuitive people in all fields, and among highly energetic, highly productive people.
Which is to say there is a positive side to all this. Usually the positive doesn't get mentioned when people speak about ADD because there is a natural tendency to focus on what goes wrong, or at least on what has to be somehow controlled. But often once the ADD has been diagnosed, and the child or the adult, with the help of teachers and parents or spouses, friends, and colleagues, has learned how to cope with it, an untapped realm of the brain swims into view. Suddenly the radio station is tuned in, the windshield is clear, the sand storm has died down. And the child or adult, who had been such a problem, such a nudge, such a general pain in the neck to himself and everybody else, that person starts doing things he'd never been able to do before. He surprises everyone around him, and he surprises himself. I use the male pronoun, but it could just as easily be she, as we are seeing more and more ADD among females as we are looking for it.
Often these people are highly imaginative and intuitive. They have a "feel" for things, a way of seeing right into the heart of matters while others have to reason their way along methodically. This is the person who can't explain how he thought of the solution, or where the idea for the story came from, or why suddenly he produced such a painting, or how he knew the shortcut to the answer, but all he can say is he just knew it, he could feel it. This is the man or woman who makes million-dollar deals in a catnap and pulls them off the next day. This is the child who, having been reprimanded for blurting something out, is then praised for having blurted out something brilliant. These are the people who learn and know and do and go by touch and feel. (experiential and visual. I read somewhere else that people with ADD tend to be a lot more visual. I agree. I've always wondered why though, as visuals have always appealed to me much more than the auditory.)

These people can feel a lot. In places where most of us are blind, they can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and they can produce answers apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this "sixth sense" many ADD people have, and to nurture it. If the environment insists on rational, linear thinking and "good" behavior from these people all the time, then they may never develop their intuitive style to the point where they can use it profitably. It can be exasperating to listen to people talk. They can sound so vague or rambling. But if you take them seriously and grope along with them, often you will find they are on the brink of startling conclusions or surprising solutions.
What I am saying is that their cognitive style is qualitatively different from most people's, and what may seem impaired, with patience and encouragement may become gifted.
The thing to remember is that if the diagnosis can be made, then most of the bad stuff associated with ADD can be avoided or contained. The diagnosis can be liberating, particularly for people who have been stuck with labels like "lazy," "stubborn," "willful," "disruptive," "impossible," "tyrannical," "a spaceshot," "brain damaged," "stupid," or just plain "bad." Making the diagnosis of ADD can take the case from the court of moral judgment to the clinic of neuropsychiatric treatment

What is the treatment all about? Anything that turns down the noise. Just making the diagnosis helps turn down the noise of guilt and self-recrimination. Building certain kinds of structure into one's life can help a lot. Working in small spurts rather than long hauls (I've been putting in a lot more breaks for myself too. haha. and just the constant change of tasks is good.). Breaking tasks down into smaller tasks. Making lists. (I've been doing this. In that before I go into a portion of the day, like for eg, the time after work, I'd take 15-20 mins to just write out exactly what I'm going to do, what I need to get. I mentally rehearse the whole process of going out of school, taking the mrt, going to XX MRT, buying blah blah...So now I actually have 2 main planning times per day. One is at 4+pm before I end work, to work out what's to be done in the night, including when to sleep by, when to wake up by the next morning, what to get prepared. The next is at night, when I write out what's to be done the next day during work, exactly who to target/call/counsel/paperwork to be done/when to do/get who to do what...night time is also the time when I'd write down any creative ideas that pop into my mind to be done later.) Getting help where you need it, whether it's having a secretary, or an accountant, or an automatic bank teller, or a good filing system, or a home computer - getting help where you need it. Maybe applying external limits on your impulses. Or getting enough exercise to work off some of the noise inside. Finding support. Getting someone in your corner to coach you, to keep you on track. Medication can help a great deal too, but it is far from the whole solution. The good news is that treatment can really help.
Let me leave you by telling you that we need your help and understanding. We may make mess-piles wherever we go, but with your help, those mess-piles can be turned into realms of reason and art. So, if you know someone like me who's acting up and daydreaming and forgetting this or that and just not getting with the program, consider ADD before he starts believing all the bad things people are saying about him and it's too late.
The main point of the talk is that there is a more complex subjective experience to ADD than a list of symptoms can possibly impart. ADD is a way of life, and until recently it has been hidden, even from the view of those who have it. The human experience of ADD is more than just a collection of symptoms. It is a way of living. Before the syndrome is diagnosed that way of living may be filled with pain and misunderstanding. After the diagnosis is made, one often finds new possibilities and the chance for real change.

The adult syndrome of ADD, so long unrecognized, is now at last bursting upon the scene. Thankfully, millions of adults who have had to think of themselves as defective or unable to get their acts together, will instead be able to make the most of their considerable abilities. It is a hopeful time indeed.

hahaha. having a mental refractory period now (in which I just cannot plan or think or do any work). Like my brain refuses to move, the neurons are refusing to fire.
i think it's time to rest before i do any planning.

there's bullying going on in the school. >:(
and the stress of the teachers are filtering down to the students.

Just a few weeks ago I was complaining that I was bored.
Today I'm swarmed. it's madhouse Monday.
Had 2 counselling referrals in the morning, and I settled 3 cases of student issues in the morning, with one meeting with the teachers.
Am taking the time to plan out and look at my caseloads (and to see how many students I'm actually handling) now cos I have 2 counselling sessions later.
Am doing individual plannings for each of the students I'm handling now. I think it's gonna take a longgggg time. haha.
At first glance, just for my direct cases, I have 22 cases ongoing at the current moment, of which 5 are pertinent counselling cases, 5 cases require me to be in constant contact and liaising with external agencies. I just had 2 referred RTC cases (plan making and negotiation), and I've not had the chance to look through the whole school's attendance to do prevention work (which means a lot more cases to count to do something about).
I do follow through on about 5-8 cases per day (cos some require weekly monitoring, some daily), that's in the midst of entertaining childish issues and having to do mediation in groups, doing administrative matters, planning..
haha. okay. I think I know why I feel swamped today. But I'm happier when I'm swamped. Just that I really need the time to plan out properly for each of my 22 cases. It's like planning for 22 sheeps. hurhur.

I can't find the last post in which I updated the books in the Agatha Christie collection which I've finished reading...I shall just roughly estimate and give an update to where I am at the moment:
Finished:
Mrs McGinty's dead
Murder in Mesopotamia
Murder is easy
Murder on the links
Murder on the orient express (which takes place after Murder in Mesopotamia. haha)
N or M
Nemesis (this one was pretty interesting because Miss Marple had to discover what it was that she was entrusted to find out, as well as figuring out the truth at the same time)
One, Two, Buckle my shoe

Am currently at Ordeal by Innocence (which sets forward an interesting premise as well).

I'm really quite amazed at the different styles that Agatha Christie has employed through the many books that she wrote. haha.

And the above are the books that I've not finished reading :X Of which 3 are not even mine :X

[Beautiful Soundtracks] Inuyasha OST - Kagome to inuyasha / Unmei to koi...

suddenly missing all the different people in my life

Sometimes I think that one of my purposes in life is to let other people know that one can have diffculties and still go through them, or maybe to be able to identify on a personal level what people go through, and to maybe share what may be helpful and what may not be so helpful?
haha. i thank God I've never gone through some stuff (e.g. rape, bullying, hallucinations), but I've pretty much had other interesting stuff around.
more of the areas which i'm really passionate about I guess.
and I really do enjoy the whole range of emotions which God has created me to be able to experience as well, cos it makes my life so much more colourful (though of course going through them was not very fun).
And I really take heart in knowing that Jesus understands what I go though as well. that I have a high priest who can identify with my every need. haha.
i also find it amusing that what I have are pretty obscure/taboo/secretive things? like people may have a misunderstanding towards it, or don't want to go near it, or don't want to talk about it. I guess it's important to educate people on it.
There were times when I felt frustrated/pissed off cos of certain things people may say which are so judgemental, but I think nowadays I do try to explain a little bit more. haha
the thorns in my flesh. if it's not for them, i'd probably be less dependent on God. hahahaha

July has got to be the longest month of my life.
I am SO looking forward to the drama practice on Saturday. lol
oh. and looking forward to the Pulau Ubin trip with my students tmr :) haha. i should really find a job that allows me to go everywhere everyday, and still make an impact in people's lives. and changes siuation everyday. and allows me to earn money.
LOL.
the idealist is permanently dreaming of a future ahead.
looking forward to heaven too! with my 5 taps and the library of books in the midst of a swimming pool on top of a large tree :D

one only realizes how many animes one has watched in the past when one realizes that one knows ALL the songs that are presented in the youtube sidelist, and the songs are from various different animes. haha.

슈퍼주니어 & 소녀시대_SEOUL(서울)_뮤직비디오(MusicVideo)

an MV advertizing Seoul. haha

"Personally, I just believe that independence has become a socially acceptable term for selfishness," he said. "'You need more time to live for yourself' and that's not the Gospel. Our life in Christ is 'deny yourself.'"


to take up the cross and go where it's uncomfortable. to continue to serve and meet needs even when tired. but to also know when it's time to take time out just for sitting by Jesus' side and resting in Him.
to say honestly to God that 'God i'm struggling with this and this, and whether it goes away or remains as a permanent thorn in my flesh is Your will, but regardless of what happens i choose to believe in Your promises'
to just tell God at times that life is pretty tiring, and not exactly very comfortable, but as long as i'm here, it means that You've chosen to place me here for a purpose, and unti the day You take me away, i will continue to be faithful with what you've given me, or do my best in it, or just to continue to struggle in it.

hahaha. in my other blog from long time ago, i wrote this:

"so interestinG:)


u noe watz? seriously i think if i wasn't born to be a buddhist, i would haVe been a VERY dedicated christian:)"

this is interesting. haha. appeared in Guardian just a few hours ago

"Who'd be an actor? According to a recent study conducted by researchers at California State University, people who are both imaginative and emotionally vulnerable.


In the journal Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity and the Arts, Paula Thomson and S Victoria Jaque wrote: "Our study adds to the body of research that suggests there is a psychological cost for participants engaged in the creative arts."


Having conducted interviews with 41 professional actors living in Los Angeles, Toronto, and Cape Town, South Africa, focusing on the relationship to loss and trauma, Thomson and Jaque compared results with a control group of non-actors, drawn from other artistic disciplines, athletes and art lovers.


They found that actors are more likely to struggle to discuss past traumas, suggesting that they find it harder to resolve emotional problems. "Even though there was no difference between the two groups for past traumatic events," the researchers wrote, "more actors were unable to maintain narrative coherence when discussing memories of past trauma and loss."


Thomson and Jaque go on to describe how, despite an increased ability to "remain engaged, regulated and coherent during the interview process," members of the actors group were more likely to display signs of confusion, prolonged silence or "unsuccessful failures to deny a traumatic or loss event". They argue that this suggests "a greater vulnerability for psychological distress". However, the study also suggests that the actors have higher than usual imaginative facilities than members of the control group.


Thomson and Jaque caution against thinking of an acting career in therapeutic terms: "Actors may have enhanced their imagination through the practice of acting or they may have entered a career that supports their heightened predisposition for fantasy.""

what about a counsellor who's also into acting? haha.

Jaci Velasquez You

:) one of the songs I really liked as a young Christian. first heard the song on 98.7fm and attributed it to a person. subsequently God came into my life and i realized Who it was really meant for :)

Got this from online:

"Similar to the ballmer peak, being tired can make us focus better simply because when your brain is tired it has to focus! There isn’t enough left-over brainpower to afford losing concentration.


I seem to get the least work done right after drinking too much tea or having a poorly timed energy drink. Makes me hyperactive and one second I’m checking twitter, the next I’m looking at hacker news and I just seem to be buzzing all over the place..

You’d think I’d work better – so much energy, so much infinite overclocked brainpower. But instead I keep tripping over myself because I can’t focus for more than two seconds at a time.

Conversely, when I’m slightly tired, I just plomp my arse down and code. With a slightly tired brain I can code for hours and hours without even thinking about checking twitter or facebook. It’s like the internet stops existing.

I feel like this holds true for most programmers out there. We have too much brainpower for ~80% of the tasks we work on – face it, writing that one juicy algorithm, requires ten times as much code to produce an environment in which it can run. Even if you’re doing the most advanced machine learning (or something) imaginable, a lot of the work is simply cleaning up the data and presenting results in a lovely manner.

And when your brain isn’t working at full capacity it looks for something to do. Being tired makes you dumb enough that the task at hand is enough."

ya. i'm not a programmer but I guess I understand. In that being awake and alert my mind would be running away in lots of directions (like oh! there's a project i wanna do, oh! i can do this next time, oh! i need to schedule in whatever!, oh! i need to plan out when to meet my kids, oh! i should be doing this too) all at the same time. hahaa. yay. found another strength of ADD

interestingly, despite sleeping for 4-5 hrs for the past 2 nights, I find myself being able to concentrate better (although I am slightly drowsy, like halfway in a dream world, but alert enough to do work).
i think the mind shuts down other distractions (like too tired to bother about other things and thus becomes able to keep only one strand of thought at one time) and thus it becomes easier to focus? hahaha.
i was doing a stream of consciousness exercise the other day (in which you just write down whatever comes to mind in 5 mins and continually write it out), and i realized that i had 2 streams of consciousness going on at the same time (which is pretty interesting because one stream would be the thought stream, whereas the other is the metacognitive stream which will analyze and comment on my original thought stream). whereas for now tt i'm tired, there's only 1 stream of thought.
on the addforums, it seems like almost everyone is simillar to me in being night owls (like being able to do work so much better at night, especially midnight to 3am or whichever. haha).

Has the school gone mad recently?
lol.
yesterday there was a sudden influx of cases, and all of a sudden, today there was a sudden influx of referrals for counselling.
and of serious cases.
why in the world were they not surfaced earlier? o_O
4 hrs of sleep doesn't go well with the sudden need to continually provide a safe environment for students while fighting for some other students not to be kicked out of school, and at the same time having to handle a stubborn old man, and an impulsive adhd student.

I find it interesting how some aspects of ourselves don't change. was reading my entries from 2002 (haha. yes sometimes i do things like this to see how much I've changed and how much I've not), and I realized that  I still echo the same sentiments now at 26 (versus at 16).
"i like talking to people:) like actualLy u noe... talking to them in real-life, not just online or something...
'cos in real-life u can hear the voice, and u can actually try to visualize how the voice would look like... like perhaps very round or just a deep pool of water or maybe it's like really airy or somethinG:) then u can feel the emotions they're radiating out... and occasionally touch can be established:) it feels satisfying to be touching someone... the ruffling of the hair, the patting of the back..."
--> of course, I don't type like the above anymore. haha. but the sentiments are really pretty similar.

the heart is deceitful above all else.

---

yesterday i dreamt that i was giving my left eye to someone to eat as it will help heal the person, and that eyes could be regenerated. lol. what a weird premise for a dream!

Today during breakfast, it was with sudden realization that I have lost the vision for being a school counsellor. As in, I've lost one of the initial reasons why I've wanted to be a school counsellor - that I wanted to speak up for the students who deserve a second chance, and to speak/fight for people who are not able to speak up for their rights.

120608 Girls' Generation - TTS(TaeTiSeo) - Interview & Twinkle - LIVE Mu...

seriously speaking, between Paparazzi and Taetiseo's songs, I really do prefer Taetiseo's songs better. hahaaa. probably because the vocals are much more emphasized in TTS' songs, versus SNSD's songs which have to be an infusion of dance, pop music and group vocals. haha.
Taeyeon and Seohyun are, as always, wonderful in delivering live vocals, with Tiffany capturing the crowd with her strong stage presence. hahaha.
should really see Tiffany in real life during concerts. I learned quite a bit from  her (and Seohyun) with regards to stage presence during the concert. hoho.

4MINUTE - 'Volume Up' M/V

haha. i hesitated putting this song up for a few months because of the provocative MV. maybe just listen to the song without the MV? LOL
i really like the music in the song though.  haha. powerful vocals? :P

"This Road" by Jars of Clay

how did Jesus manage to stand under the great burden of the sins of men?

So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray

take my world apart "Worlds apart" - Jars of Clay

i cried the tears you could not cry
said the words you tried to hide
felt the pain you felt before
prayed with you right by your side
heartened by your love for God
burdened by the pain you fought
waiting for the day to be
of healing done and grief to cease

went for my first drama training yesterday morning :) it was a small group of around 10-12 of us, but was pretty refreshing! the view from room 601 is indeed pretty =)
quite refreshing to learn from others, and to really just learn. haha. i guess engaging the body helps as well.

haha.

my linguistic abilities are stunted this morning.
just two things.
i guess we all need to continually forgive
and to remind one another to continually trust in God

watching kokoro connect. but so far the plot's a little messy :\

I finished preparing the training for the resident counsellors and presentation of case study! yay! simple one though, but the RC meeting is a simple meeting, so i guess it would be sufficient.
i'm brain dead. and i've got to be in school by 7.40am D:

i'm quite a softie for beautifully written descriptions/words. haha.
i'm quoting these from some article written on Thought catalog:

"Your smile is a surprise every time I see it — it cracks onto your face like it shouldn’t be there and my heart lifts and takes flight like a little duck making its first attempts at leaving home."

"You make me feel like sweet sugary candy that leaves sticky imprints on a little kid’s eager fingers. Like sugar matted to plump cheeks. Like golden juices from biting a kiwi or a watermelon. You make me feel pink and flushed. You make me want to spin around and watch glitter cascade off my skin, floral skirt flapping in the soft, clean wind."

"Cue the fast-forward and the bud grows into a bursting violet flower, reaching its tendrils up, up, up to the pressing daylight"

haha. bright cheery words :)
i'm quite excited cos I'm meeting someone dear to me on Sunday evening~

looking at train travel between Singapore and KL now (a.k.a procrastinating on doing the resident counsellors training and presentation tmr).
i wonder if there's a job that sponsors me to travel and write reviews for people? LOL

"For I am a bear of very little brain, and long words bother me."
--- haha! that's so funny!

Jon McLaughlin - So Close (High Quality)

:) song from Enchanted .

I was going to comment that I think my medication for inflammation and cough has a positive effect on my ability to concentrate as well...hhaaa. but it seems like it's the same. I still lose concentration after 15 mins, but at least i'm more on task now. am starting to try out some of the strategies suggested by some other people in the ADD forums.

The Little Mermaid-Part of Your World HD

it's disney songs night. haha. my nose is still running after i take medicine. i hope it gets tired of running soon. haha

Mulan - Reflection

Tangled - I See The Light (OFFICIAL VIDEO) [HD]