yea man.
today we had another full day of lessons.
lol.
our first time having module 2! =D Foundations of group guidance.
it was interesting =) think our lecturer (isabella) is very dynamic. lol. but she went through the whole lesson very quickly. hahaha. probably 'cos it's content heavy ba.
caught a few good ideas for her.. can use them in the future (for games, ice breakers... hahahaha)
but think this module is not going to be easy. i look at the individual assignment and was quite lost for a moment. lol. need to design a programme in relation to a specific life challenge. it's... interesting.
oh! but we formed a new group today =D hahaa. so my group has very interesting pple.. like bharathi (who happened to be the teacher my sister is doing relief teaching work after.. -it's a small world after all-), daniel (ahhhhh. i wanna kill this guy sometimes. he keeps playing pranks on me O.o), steven (our very innocent engineer-turned-counsellor. hahahaha) and Mong (my look-very-young-but-is-actually-a-mother friend) :)
lol.
quite enjoyable i think =) it got quite funny when we played the 'team-bonding' games (yes, we did tt in class). and it got quite funny when we did the de-sensitization exercise in class for module 3 (which was about sex last week. it's also about sex this week. and it'll be about sex next week. shows how much they're trying to infuse us with the knowledge and skills in this area so that we can do the sexuality programme in schools. --> 'cos no one else wanna touch this area -.-||).
i have the permission to put up these pictures! =) the things we did...
we played snap with these cards. and to win the cards we had to shout out the words on the cards. it's to desensitize us to the words so that when we talk about them in the future, we can do it with a straight face. believe me, condom was the mildest word there. i think we all learned new terms.
--> some questions which teenagers really wrote down (which we attempted to answer).
we also watched Get Rea! (our favourite video series) on teenage sex and abortion. hmmm. really quite sad. thank God we dun really get desensitized to this. discussed gray areas too.. like we're bound by legal obligation to report if a teenage girl confides that she's had sex. under the penal code, a guy who has sex with a girl who's under 14 has committed statutory rape, and under the women's charter, a guy who has sex with a girl (unless by way of marriage) has committed an offence. so yes. that's the legal obligation.
BUT. does that mean u really go and report? a girl who is afraid of letting her parents know and is already very nervous and tense about the whole situation may possibly go to extreme means due to the emotions felt in that situation. what if the girl commits suicide 'cos she felt that she has no way out of this?
yup.
and it's a very real situation. the situation is more clearcut if the girl is pregnant though. lol

average case load is 80 per yr.
wow.
hahaha.
faint.
poor principal needs to do a lot of things.
and heard tt some people actually revert back to teaching 'cos counselling got too heavy for them.
hmmm.

ah. 11.15am is supposed to be a late time for me... but it's at this moment that i have a sudden desire to do a lot of things (e.g. read books, read journals). hahahaha.
to wake up at 6am is too early for a nightbird like me!
like what Angie (my cool funky lecturer who plays WOW) says,
'i'm an owl, not a lark.'

second day was a bit more tiring than the first 'cos i had to wake up at 6am instead of 6.30am. lol.
all of a sudden, i appreciate how near NUS is to the rest of the world, in comparison to NIE. hahahaa. the things you realize only when you're forced to travel further. to the people who travel to NTU everyday, wo pei fu ni men. lol
today was more of a revision on adolescence (of which i took an entire module on back in nus, so it was really a brief revision). haha. afternoon was PBL PBL and more PBL. and it suddenly struck me that PBL was what we were doing in social work classes in nus too! hahaha.
Oh! today we discussed about the definitions of freedom and having boundaries. This arose from the discussion on causes that contributed to teenagers or kids being beyond parental control (of which parents would have had filed a complaint against their own child in the juvenile court and have relinquished the 'taking care' of the child to the state). 'cos we realized that for children beyond parental control, most of the time, the parents may have been very caring to their child (contrary to the other group of delinquents whereby the parents may have been negligent towards their child in the form of loving them), yet their child went 'beyond their control', so to speak. reason being that when the child was growing up, they either did not set proper boundaries for the child (e.g. curfew of 11pm), or they swung from one extreme (being very tight with the child), to suddenly letting go and letting the child run free (e.g. the child is growing up, needs a little bit of freedom, so no harm she come back at 2am, go to clubs..). It reminds me of permissive parenting.
lol.
but i don't agree with the lecturer (who strongly advocates the role of the family in the influence of a child) completely in her view of the family's role. i believe that there're a lot of possible mediating factors (e.g. peers, personal beliefs) which may have set the boundaries for the child in his/her mind, even when boundaries to be set by an adult figure are not present. lol.
anyway, today i got to know my classmates more! :) for eg, there're two girls i hang out with more often.. i realized that one is a mother (!!!!!! she didn't look that old O.o) and one is 5 years older than me (she didn't look that old either!). hahaa. okay. i feel really young.
not to mention that i ended up in the same project group as the oldest guy in the class. it's like you're doing a project with your dad o.O

I quite enjoyed my first day of 'work' hahaha :D
it's quite exciting.
when i first went into the classroom, i was greeted personally by my lecturers. hahaa.
there're 23 students in my class, and i'm the youngest (very obviously). the next one youngest is probably 25 or 26 O.o the oldest is 61. half of the class have been teachers before they converted to being full time school counsellors. and everyone has had formal work experience (except for me). it's super interesting :D
but thank God that i can understand the things well.. 'cos they're things i'm interested in! and things which i've done in psychology (my lecturers are mostly psychologists =D)
so yeah.
we spent the first day having orientation (for the first half of the day. boring stuff, e.g. introduction to geNIEus and library orientation. it gets kinda amazing at the things people don't know 'cos they're of an older genderation. think we really take our knowledge of the computer for granted), and the second half having lessons. and to start everything off (and possibly to break any form of ice between all of us), the first (and only) topic was sex.
quite a fruitful discussion.. revisited certain things about the images and covert messages about sex from the media (e.g. an advertisement of Madonna who's fallen on the steps with a half eaten apple in hand to sell some product --> fallen woman --> apple as a symbol of the forbidden fruit --> sin as attractive?), as well as discussions about how we first got our knowledge of the topic, what messages were conveyed, implications, how do we define abstinence (which i thought was pretty good. talking in terms of level of arousel instead of specifically what not to do), certain factors which predispose teenagers (how to define teenagers nowadays when their physical knowledge may supercede their mental maturity) to premarital sex, values about this topic... my group was the youngest group (hahaa. well, it had me:), but i think our group was quite knowledgeable and experienced about this topic 'cos well, this generation tends to be overexposed to things related to the topic). so yup.
i was just sharing with some of the ntu people (when i went to ntu hq) that it's quite sad to watch a video about a girl who is of the same age as me, but has already changed multiple sexual partners (her first experience was at 10 yrs old 'cos she was raped by her mother's boyfriend) she worked at macs for a while, but became a prostitute in the end. she took up drugs. now she's married with 2 kids, but she can't change her profession 'cos she's got no qualifications (she stopped studying since p6) and she can't stop everything at a time..
and then you hear from girls who became pregnant 'cos of premarital sex, and they gave birth to the children (though some of the parents tried ways to get them to abort) and gave their own children up for adoption .. and how when they talk about their child, they still cry because it hurts. it just hurt your heart as well to hear about such things, and you can't stop thinking about how they really need God to heal their hurts, how they really need God to show them the unconditional love they've been craving for.
i think i'm going to enjoy this module a lot (like when i read about the sexual abuse cases, it was heartbreaking, but it's something that i'm really interested in). hee.
hee. some jokes came up too (shared by our lecturer 'cos she was illustrating how ignorant she and her biological teacher in the past was towards this topic).
apparently, she asked her bio teacher (when she was 14) what petting means. and the teacher replied with a straight face
' petting is what teachers do to favourite students' (haha. i thought this was pretty funny.. 'cos it's obviously wrong. and yet u can understand where the mistake came from).
and when one of her students (a boy in a certain boy's school) asked my lecturer ('cos she's a counsellor in the school) if oral sex was okay.. my poor ignorant lecturer replied that it's fine as long as you just talk about it o.O
so it was pretty interesting :) i was thinking about how when i'm a parent, i'm definitely going to
1) spend quality time with my children
2) talk openly about sexual issues with my children (so they'll get the proper knowledge from the proper place --> which'll shape their understanding and attitude towards it)
yup.

hehe.
maybe 'cos it's my proper full time job...
but i think i treat it a little differently from my part time jobs. hahaha.
like, in terms of disciplining myself to sleep earlier. hahaha. i feel the desire to sleep earlier 'cos i anticipate a few days of having to wake up earlier.
whereby in the previous months, i can chiong for one or 2 days, then sleep later or something. hahaa.
yes.
a bit curious as to what kind of people i'll meet tmr, and a bit hesitant as to what kind of image i'd want to portray from the start. hahahaa.
see how ba=]
not sure if i should bring my laptop to school either (since my laptop bag is quite heavy O.o)

This article is about a potential breakthrough in detecting autism earlier

I went for my wisdom teeth extraction yesterday morning =] lol.
And like what the dentist mentioned, the swelling is reaching is maximum today (the right side of my face looks as if i permanently have a fishball in my mouth. hahaha)
Here's a picture of the xray of my teeth!

The two wisdom teeth (the last two teeth) of my right jaw (left side of picture) were extracted. the top one just needed a simple extraction (dentist plucked the whole thing out), while the bottom one warranted the incision of the gum and the cracking of the tooth to pluck it out (meaning it went through a minor surgery).
I hope I don't get a dry socket (didn't exactly follow dentist's instructions to go home and rest :\) hehe.
Looking at my face now, I really don't feel like going to work tomorrow. hahaa. Should have taken my 5 days mc O.o
oh
and thanks to Yizhong for being my tooth escort :) lol.
Took this photo at mos burger yesterday!

I like to walk. i like to walk down to potong pasir 'cos you walk beside a big canal with calm waters.. and the peaceful sky will be over your head. and this was the song that kept playing in my mind as i walked today :)

Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay

Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tear
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin-soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nails that still remain
So steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
Take my world apart

hehehe.
was searching for 'manna' in google, and saw the following link =D
it's an online cake shop. description of the cakes are interesting!:)
7th Manna
looks interesting right!

I'm quite scared. lol.
I'm not scared of physical pain in other parts of the body, nor of emotional pain.. but quite scared of having pain in my mouth O.o
really thank God that the dentist is quite nice=)
it's Emmanuel Dental Surgery..at Clemenceau Ave.. quite nice deco .. and they display free copies of My Daily Bread =) hahahaa.
and i found out that the receptionist is a Christian too. hahaa. i was like asking if I can still go for service after extraction of wisdom teeth ('cos some internet sources adviced the pple to go home and rest and minimize movement for the first 2 days O.o).. somewhere along those lines. dunno how it ended up with her asking me to bring my mum there, then i was like saying 'she doesn't want to come with me'.. and the receptionist was like 'ah! xiang1 xin4 zhu3 shi4 hao3 de!' can't remember the second line. hahaa. my mum just waved it away, but i thought it was good =D 'cos i dun usually hear other pple telling tt to my mum. hahaa. and my mum quite like the receptionist =) hehehe.
the dentist is quite nice=] kept explaining why we do certain things (e.g. biting onto something, procedure of how the xray will be).. kept assuring.. it feels comfortable to know what's going to happen, and the process of drilling (yes, i have fillings to be done :( ) was relatively okay too. he knew where it got sensitive and stopped promptly and moved on. i was like wow. hahaha.
very nice=]
i remembered when i went to the other dentist previously, and i had fillings done, the teeth was still quite sensitive and i couldn't eat my dinner properly after tt. but this time, this dentist put in medication before putting in the filling, so i completely don't feel anything after the visit=] hehe.
lessens the phobia of going to the dentist. hehe.
anyway, bookings with the dentist are full. lol. only available next january. haha! think they made an exception for me today (appointment was at 6pm, though the clinic closes at 6), and another exception for the surgery (9.30am on sat, even though it starts at 11am (if i'm not wrong). lol. and yet another to remove the stitches (6pm on Friday as well..i wonder how much the cab fare down from NTU will cost O.o)
hehe. cost wise, a bit more ex than public dentists, but relatively okay for a private one. my extractions are going to cost $500+ for the impacted one, and ard $120 for the halfwaypeekingout one. lol
oh how money flies.

hehehe.
I went for my dental checkup today.
hahaha.
first time taking a mouth X-Ray.. Saw beautiful teeth roots for the first time too=D as well as the nerve that runs underneath our roots and partly into the jaw. so interesting! hahahaa.
and saw my beautiful impacted wisdom teeth. ahhh.
hahaha
the right upper one is growing nicely (very nice position), but the bottom one is nicely horizontal =) i was telling michelle that it looks like a graph with a y and x axis =D
amazingly, i have 2 impacted wisdom teeth. both the bottom ones are horizontal. hahaha. faint. but the left side isn't doing anything, so i guess that's good. hahaha

Restless.
And i can't sleep. lol.
I went to bed at 2am.
And tossed till 2.15am. then remembered of an article which advises us to do something if we're not able to sleep in 15 mins. lol.
hahaha.
i want to finish my work (note that i only have a desire to work at night when the cold winds blow). lol. so that i can prepare for going to school and not bother about the keying in of data and the changing of the journal articles to apa format.
work that dulls my brain dries my brain. thank God i'm not doing admin for the rest of my life. and thank God i'm not keying in entries for the rest of my life either. Seriously speaking ah, i don't know how people survive in this kinda jobs.. but then again i'm a person who doesn't like business, so maybe i'm weird. lol.
maybe it's just the lack of human interaction and the seeming lack of human investment. o.o
the night air smells nice :)
i like to sleep by the window pane 'cos the night air smells nice.
ah. i wish we work from 12am to 9am or something. lol. i'd actually be quite happy. hahahahaa.
or maybe from 9pm to 6am.
o.o
why do we work from morning anyway? lol
maybe i should have asked Eddy if his company needs another person .. then i'd be working from 2am onwards. okay. just some random thoughts. i doubt i'll find satisfaction in his job anyway. lol.
i'm just rambling along.
it's so troublesome to work in the office when i can be more efficient at home sometimes.. but some things are meant to be done in the office ('cos the info can't be brought home).. then those that can be done at home, u wonder if u should do 'cos u can't clock the hours for them. lol.
but i do dislike having work stuck in the office. i like it better when i can take my time to do them. lol.
give me general guidelines, the skeleton, and total flexibility after that, and i'll produce good work.
a part of me starts to want to rebel when more rules and guidelines are given. lol. just cause me to be very sian diao.
i hope the people i work with in the future are not going to be people who give instructions every moment. i will just faint.
thank God Mani doesn't do that with me. she gives me a lot of flexibility. lol.

Quite excited=D
got to know the school i'm posted to today.. not sure if i wanna say the name here.. 'cos students might search it up O.o
lol
i think i need to make some stuff private from now on. so troublesome.
but quite excited=D gathering info about the school (though i dun go into the sch till a few months from now. lol). and just so happens i have a friend who was from there! so she's my xian4 ren2. poor girl. haha

Chinese version of "A heart after You"

yi sheng gen sui ni (a heart after you) - Joshua

Once there were two
and then two more
and the glass figures walked their individual paths
Side by side they walked their individual paths

And soon
more came
there were small at first, but they grew
led at first, but soon they led.

And then came a crossroad
Two waved goodbye
We know the roads are not that far
They'll cross again some day.

And the joy there is
When another one joined
Someone who was on another road
but have joined this one.

There were others
but they're still small
Now led, maybe they'll lead in the future.

So the three walked.
And walked
And walked.
One was gazing at the countryside
and when that one turned back
the two were no more.

So now the one walks alone
down the road when no one goes
Calling to the two who're gone.
Calling
Calling
Calling.

Sometimes we are able to discern certain underlying things which are not obvious on the surface.. and yet because they are not obvious on the surface, and because they're from certain groups of people, we may just simply dismiss it, or think that the people can handle it themselves.. without calling them to accountability, or talking to them about it..
and a few months down the road, you realize the problem gets fullblown, and the people gets pulled away...
it could happen to leaders, could happen to anyone, could happen to you and me.
having it happen twice in my face is not pleasant.
i guess we can say that no one will have predicted its happening, no one could have known that it'll turn out to be that way.. but i think eitherwise. if at that point of discernment, i've had spoken up or gently asked, instead of leaving things there, then perhaps the situation would have changed...
yet i know that all things are still under God's control.
just something for me to learn i guess. to clarify, encourage, ask about it.. when i discern something that may not be right. be it whether it's from our leaders, or from just anyone of us.

Today is light headed day.
Was watching dgrayman.. think something they shared struck me. like how sometimes we complain 'cos of the things we experience, the many things we need to do.. and at times like these, we may complain, and become careless with our words.. saying things such as
'I wish I can die..'
'If I can sleep now, I don't mind sleeping forever..'
(Tapp in the anime said this)
But when we're really faced with death, and realized that life on this earth becomes out of our grasp, then our perspective towards these things will probably change..
Tapp changed his line..
it became
'If I can live now, I don't mind overworking for the rest of my life..'
--------------------------------------------------------------
I like my laptop =] Have not explored all the features as of yet.. but it's been quite fun to have it =]
having orientation on the 1 April.. my whole class has 20 people (only 20 emails in the mailing list).. hehe. and half of them are guys (can tell by the name...). I think there's a mother in the class. lol. can't wait to see what my classmates are like!

I've finished playing Dirty Split yesterday. Not bad, considering that it's a free game. hahaa. They've got good graphics.
You can read the 'review' here. The game can be downloaded at the same place. To save the game, you'll have to press ESC. hahaa.

I was quite delighted when my upper right wisdom tooth started to grow.
Not so delighted when my lower right started to grow though O.o
It was uncomfortable at first.. and I thought it'll emerge.. but it's not emerged yet.. and it's causing quite great pain when I try to bite continuously on the right side. then I have to stop eating for a while 'cos of the pain.
=(
so sad.
I was thinking maybe I'll be able to have all my wisdom teeth.. but i think i may have to go pull them out soon.
I'm scared of pain!
actually i'm not la. just don't like pain in areas that don't usually have pain (e.g. my mouth. lol)

I think one of the possible reasons why I have encounters with so many interesting things.. was probably to prepare my heart for the people and interesting encounters i'll have in ministry ba.
i'm still trying to figure out if i'm growing numb to it, or if i've learned to be not so shocked by it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to struggle with homosexuality =] lol.
i don't now. haha.
but it didn't take one yr to go away.
it took ard 3 yrs or so (of course there've been breakthroughs along the way.. including realization of my own make-up, why i may struggle with it, backload)...
and i have a few friends who are in same-gender relationships as well.
and when i see them, i know it's wrong, but in my heart, all i wanna tell them is that i understand. that i still love them as my friends. that though i hate the sin in them, they're still dear to me.
they're still my friends.

I've bought my laptop! =D
Lenovo Ideapad Y430. hehehe. 4GB ram. 320Gb HDD.
yay =D for more specifications, go look online for it yourself. heheh.
Okay. to save you the trouble:
It features:

* Intel Core 2 Duo 2.26GHz Processor
* Intel P45 Motherboard chipset
* 2GB RAM
* 250GB Hard Disk
* 5-in-one card reader
* DVD writer
* Ethernet 10/100, Bluetooth,Modem,Wi-Fi a/b/g/n
* Nvidia GeForce 9300M (256MB) graphics card
* 6-cell Lithium Ion battery
* 2.4 kg weight (but it feels a little heavier than my previous laptop.. a little bulkier too)

I tried playing a game on it. Not bad! haha!
And it has face recognition. so that was quite funny. haha.
heh.
Bought it at $1549 (price given in the pamphlet at IT fair).. but had free carry case, free thumbdrive (4Gb), free USB charged portable speakers (thanks to nicholas for helping me bargain.. haha), free CD case (which i doubt i'll use O.o) and free harddisk drive (160GB - which i suspect is given wrongly. haha.)
So i think i've got a pretty good bargain! hahaha.
yay =D

Songs from D Grayman..

Musician (Allen's song in the secret room of the ark)

Tsunaida te ni Kiss wo (Musician) - Sanae Kobayashi

Lala's lullaby.. dunno from where. lol

Lalas Lullaby - Wada Kaoru

Lacrimosa dies illa
Qua resurget ex favilla
Judicandus homo reus.
Huic egro parce,Deus
Pie Jesu Domine

Judicandus homo reus.
Huic ergo parce,Deus
Pie Jesu Domine

Requiem day that
on which will arise from the burning coals
man accused to be judged.
therefore, O God, do Thou spare him,
faithful Lord Jesus,
grant them rest. Amen

At first it was 1am.
and i was like O.o
now it's 11pm!
hahaha. faint.
The time that I start to feel tired gets earlier and earlier.
oh dear.
i'm getting old o.O

With regards to the David case...
I've been reading through a few websites (including the original straits time articles) 'cos there have been quite an amount of speculation as to whether he really committed suicide, as well as contradictions between the information given and information found out later (e.g. no wounds on wrist). So now there's a small hoo-haa going on.. the 2nd death case found in ntu didn't help either. lol.
here are two websites which summarized the speculations...
http://leapon.net/en/curious-case-david-widjaja
http://justlimz.blogspot.com/2009/03/david-case-high-profile-crime-not.html

interesting.

The world needed something new to distract them...
So they made the petaminx.
Without realizing that some time ago, the teraminx has already been created.

another thought struck me.
a simple reminder.
as believers, we know we have the freedom in many aspects.
such as the freedom of speech.
but if that freedom of speech causes people to fall away, or to be stumbled, or to be hurt, then it would probably be more cautious not to exercise it.
i was quite tempted to grumble about a particular situation in my life which has been bothering me (just that silently and in the background) for a short period of time.
which i have the right to grumble in.
but might not be beneficial or helpful, and it's just senseless griping,
so yes, self control.
hahaha.

lol.
i fell asleep just now =] hhahaha.
and woke up at 4+ am =\
sorry to those pple who tried to talk to me on msn.
--------------------------------------
recently, i was just thinking more about the thing about expectations (with the background of some things i've learned about it along the way, either from people or own experience)
when we have expectations of people which we do not convey, it usually results in disappointment.. 'cos the person doesn't fit the kind of mould (be it flexible or not) which we thought the person will fit.
not that we definitely have to meet the expectations of the person.
but i think sometimes it's good to evaluate ourselves when other people seem to have expectations of us, which we don't feel like it's in our position to meet, or when we ourselves know we should be meeting that expectation, but are not meeting them.
to evaluate to see if we've been conveying wrong messages along the way (which lead to this kind of expectation), if there is a need to reconvey certain expectations and talk it out... and also to evaluate to see if we need to grow to meet that expectations (kinda like a parent expecting a teenager to be more independent, but the teenager may still act like a child). sometimes we may not want to meet that expectation probably 'cos it may be a tougher way out than to just fail the expectations that await us.
there may also be times when people break expectations for good reasons (e.g. giving the person who's expecting a chance to grow, restore a more balanced expectation from that person).
i think it's an interesting thing. lol.

Came to my rescue (Acoustic) - Hillsong

Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

Human beings are so selfish. I know. I'm a human being.
We think about ourselves most of the time. Sometimes we grumble because circumstances don't go our way, sometimes we do things out of selfish motivations.
But a lot of things don't matter anymore when things around you start to change.
When you have a personal friend die, a lot of things don't matter anymore.
It's suddenly so precious to know that God is real. To know that one day you'll see that friend again.
When you have a close friend is hurting and struggling, a lot of things don't matter anymore.
All your heart yearns to know is that God heals, God restores. All you hope is to see the person around.
When all you can do is to pray, that's all we do.
A lot of peripheral things we busy ourselves with don't matter anymore, when the harshness and reality of life is presented stark naked before our eyes.

I found old photos in this old comp! =D

--> counter ministry when timothy was still leading it :)

--> my first followupper and shepherd!

--> sengkim and tom doing dunno what o.O

--> long time ago in Bethlehem

--> dunno where this came from! hahahahaha.

Contemplated posting unglam photo of jiali here.. but decided against it.

--> can u make out who it is?=)

I watched Kungfu Chefs on Monday with my family.
It was boring o.o
Halfway through the show I was wondering why I'm spending money on the show. lol.
The start of the movie was not too bad. It was pretty amazing. Apparently the rest of the show didn't live up to its opening.
The show started to get cheesy when vanness appeared. lol. I mean seriously speaking, I am not interested in half-hearted, half developed plot lines that make no sense whatsoever, nor am I interested in a full dunno-how-many-minutes stupid fighting sequence between the girl vanness likes and him against some bad guys just to show them laughing together in the end (ironically, the same girl who could fight in this scene can't even struggle out of two guys' grasp in one of the later ones). The love story (or the hint of it) seems more like a fling and some of the side characters are so side-character-ish, they can probably be cast aside without punching any hole into the feel of the movie.
I guess the redeeming parts of the movie come in the form of the Sammo Hung and food. hahaha. Sammo Hung was good. At least his martial arts looked real (unlike Vanness', which looked really rehearsed) and his acting was not bad (much better than everyone else's anyway). hahaha.
Food was good too (but then again, food is often good :D). The intriguing ways in which different types of food are prepared, and the skill in which food is prepared is kinda mesmerizing =)
So yeah, don't bother to go and watch it. Unless you wanna sit through a movie which tastes as good as plain water when you're bloated =)

Devotion (Acoustic) - Hillsong

Lyrics | Hillsong United lyrics - Devotion lyrics

It's very interesting how each kid can differ so much from the next. lol.
did the testings on two kids (both k2 this yr) concurrently on the sunday that just passed. haha. they are very different.
the one which amazed me was the second one. lol.
the kid (not sure if i can say out the name here due to privacy issues. haha) watches bleach and naruto. lol. and gundam seed.
i'm like o.o
but not bad, he likes tests. hahaa. so he was very good to complete my test though he was already very tired. sniff sniff.
i spoke to him as a soldier. i explained to him that even naruto goes through tests to become a chuunin and what nots.. his dad helped us a lot. hahaha.
it's really quite different to see a guy doing parenting and a girl doing parenting. really quite different. lol. in the ways they relate to the child.
Can learn quite a lot from them. hahaa. pick up good ways of disciplining and loving the child, and don't learn from the bad ones. haha.
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I think, as a human being, it's important to know your body well. Not just emotionally, psychologically, but physically as well. Like the state of your body (for me, it's definitely not at its healthiest :D hahaha).
Think especially for females, since there're hormonal changes through the month, meaning that at certain times of the month we'll be more vulnerable to certain things (e.g. BGR, depression, low self esteem). If we know what our bodies are going through, we can prepare ourselves better, so as not to be alarmed at why we feel in a certain way, or fall into the trap of deception when we're more vulnerable. Knowing the changes will help us manage our energy levels better too (for eg, when i'm pms-ing, I get tired very easily.. so need to schedule in more rest periods.)
I think for me, it also helps me to know when certain things are more of a physical thing, and when certain things are not. so it's good to know your body well to be able to differentiate and tease out subtle things.
hehe.
a bit hard to type in detail here 'cos i know both genders read this blog (though i am fine with typing it here, it may be awkward for some people). so yea, if you wanna discuss more (and you're a female), pm me :)

I usually operate on internal motivation (if u dunno what this means, and decides to google it 'cos you wanna learn about the meaning, that's internal motivation. if you dunno what it means, and have no desire to want to know the meaning, yet have to find the meaning 'cos ur lecturer wants u to write an essay on it, tt's external motivation), but there're tasks which bore me so much that i have to bring in external motivation to complete it. lol.
for e.g. typing in the spelling data for k2 kids. hahahaa.

Today is Hope's first ever combined service. It marks an important change for the leadership of Hope Church as well.
I am going to miss Pastor Ben and Pastor Dinah.
Think they're very dear to some of our hearts.. probably 'cos Pastor Ben prayed for some of us as we became Christians.. and Pastor Dinah took the effort to remember details about me and Jitsy even after a few months..
Like what Florence says.. Just feel very 舍不得。
may they continue to be used greatly in the States=)

I think the past 2 months and 20 days of my life have not been easy. hahaa. i feel as if i've been tested more than ever in these past months. lol.
but think this phase has just ended (and going on to the next phase=D).. so taking the time to type out some stuff =] hahaa.
I pray that whatever is typed will encourage and will empower as well :)
okay. it sounds like i'm going to type very chim stuff. LOL. i'm going to type random thoughts.
I learned these few months that prayer really works. that faithful prayer works. and i really thank God that He's restoring the people I've been praying for, and working in their hearts. Think when I hear of the restoration, I can't help but give thanks, and can't help but be touched at God's hand working in their lives. That though it may be painful for them at that moment, but as God helps them to make sense about it and they share about it, I can't helped but be amazed at how God uses their testimony to encourage me much as well.
I started to know the limit of how much I can bear. Think in the past, I've been tested, but the intensity is different.. think this time, sometimes it felt as if it's just one emotionally battered day after another. Like can have a lot of weird things which are (as David puts it) not healthy for the soul happening all in one day.. then got more weird things happening in the next day.. and time with God becomes so crucial and so precious because you just can't that time to another day. that if you just leave it there for one day and not bother about it, the heart is much wounded, and bleeding becomes hard to stop.
I've also experienced the comfort and love from God in a greater measure through these few months. The God of comfort is indeed the God of comfort.
A few verses that have been popping up (like God will speak these verses to me during my times with Him, then they'll pop up again either in service, or unit..) and have given me great comfort through the months. I've typed some of them in the past entries, but share a few more here.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
" Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Psalm 130 - Psalm 131
" Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.
If you, O Lord, keep a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
therefore you are feared.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love,
and with him is full redemption,
He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

(Psalm 131)
My heart is not proud, O Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
But I have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me
O Israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore."

There were times when I felt like sleeping, or not caring, or running away, or hiding somewhere, or pretending it's not there (not thinking about it).
But think God always reminds me that running away from it will not solve the problem. hahahaa.
and I'm reminded of the song 'God will make a way, when there seems to be no way'.
The lyrics of The Valley Song encouraged me a lot as well. Especially these four lines:
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

You have calmed greater waters, higher mountains have come down
It reminded me that what I'm experiencing is real, but temporary. It reminded me that greater deliverances have been given by God. It reminded me of the size of my God when the size of my faith is not that great. It reminded me that there're a lot of people who experience more things than me.

I'm thankful for the people He's sent into my life as well :) For the 2 people who spoke to me when I had no idea who to speak to (due to the need to protect), for the opportunity to know some of the sisters much much deeper, for how things turn out to be in other areas of my life.

So I'm quite glad to have the chance to go through this period of time =) That I have the opportunity to be tested and questioned about fundamentals, that I have the opportunity to stumble and be picked up again, that I have the opportunity to learn so much, that I have the opportunity to share.

ah.

The fatigued mind draws a blank.

Your Spirit soothes my tempered soul
And moulds it to Your way
Crafting it with skillful hands
Like a potter with his clay.

And though often my wayward heart
Walks down the wider way
You protect and beckon me
On the narrow path to stay
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Was sitting at amk hub today when I felt something crawling up my arm. Thought it was my bag or something, then it went higher up. I was like. Hmm.
Then went to touch it, and felt something that was quite big O.o And my first thought was, is it a huge grasshopper or something?
It (whatever it was at that moment), fell to the floor. lo and behold, it's an adult (a tad blur) cockroach. I was like. hmmmm. Interesting.
The girl beside me saw the cockroach and said this (she was on the phone) "oh my gosh it's a cockroach, it's a cockroach, it's a cockroach." I think in my heart I was like O.o hahaha.
Of course the girl stood up and moved away. And the little insect has successful captured the eyes of 5 other people.
Oh well. I think the little thing was more scared of us than us of him. lol.
tried to capture it, but was quite unsuccessful. oh well.
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My plant :) hahahaa. Have a few others. This one looks super interesting.

i'm still looking for a suitable shampoo for my hair O.o
lol. think my body's a little weird. can't use extreme products.
for example, for the face, i can't use facial foams that're very harsh/too moisturizing. so neutrogena's deep cleansing foam (which i've used before and found the product to be quite good, but not suitable for my skin) was not suitable for me 'cos it dries my skin pretty much and throws it into a nice imbalance.
i've tried MANY kinds of shampoo before (pantene, loreal, organics, some weird salon brand, clear, ascience).. so far the weird salon brand was the best. haha! it costs $20 per bottle though O.o and it's a bit too nourishing for my head:S
i need a mild shampoo.

Has been experiencing more of God's comfort and mercy (in my life and seeing in the lives of others) these two months.
Like i said before, I think God has sent some of the world's most wonderful people to be around me :)
So many things have happened in the past 2 months, that it's kind of hard to believe that only two months have passed.
Quite tired.
Share a testimony :)
Had sore throat since last friday (still having sore throat...) and my voice deteriorated due to the sore throat (it's a bacterial one.. not 'cos of too many heaty items, or mistreating my voice). yup. so on wednesday and thursday, it was quite bad (possibly due to the fact that i didn't sleep on wed night, and have managed to catch only an hour of sleep in school and less than an hour on the bus). i did all things on thursday to try to get my voice back ('cos got worship prac at night) - drink honey, ate honey and lemon lozenges(bought by jonathan and joseph), drank barley (given by guanrui), drink lots of water, eat vapodrops (given by katerine)... even drank pi pa gao (recommended by sida). hahaha
so my voice on thurs and friday was not good (though it did recover by quite a bit on friday, but my voice was still harsh. Actually, my voice was harsh and quite
'sexy' this morning when i did experiment too...
but really thank God! once i started to sing for the praise and worship, my voice was returned to me and i could sing with ease. that was amazing compared to just an hour ago when i had to strain to get the notes out. hehee.
yay!

I met up with a very dear sister yesterday for lunch :)
I missed her a lot, so I'm really glad to catch up with her.
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Met Wailam (a speech pathologist) today in the office. haha. was quite surprised to see him 'cos i don't usually see him.. (he comes in on tuesdays and thursdays, i generally come in on mondays and fridays). Quite a nice guy :) he's very friendly. hahaa. didn't do much work today 'cos he was sharing with us (me and mani) about his hometown. I think it's a small town in Ipoh. hehe. Not exactly sure where it is. He was saying how there's a lot of dead water surrounding the area 'cos the British had extracted all the tins from the tin mines and he will go fishing when he goes back home to visit (his whole family's in Malaysia, but he and his wife are both staying in Singapore. Mani said he's the oddball. haha)
He was also sharing about how Anna and the King was filmed on location in his hometown, in some golf course.. (we found the golf site on google map, but i can't remember the name. haha) and he and his friend went to sign up to be on screen in the past. lol. apparently, the set was made of styrofoam and what-nots. Oh yah, he wanted to sign up 'cos it was chow yun-fat. According to him, they get 100 ringgit per day if they get selected, regardless of whether they're used in the end. It goes like this: when you get selected, your measurements are taken on the spot and there's a tailor made costume for you to wear the next time you're called to come. then you wait at the shooting scene till you're needed to be used, and if you're not used in the end, you still get your 100 ringgit at the end of the day. no wonder Hollywood's budget's so high O.o
he was also introducing sungei lembing to me. lol. introducing the sea of clouds, the rainbow waterfall and the factory at the third deepest tin mine in the world (of which the key is still with an old man in the village). haha. and encouraging me to go before my work starts :S
then after that we were talking about japan! hahaa. and he gave tips on how to travel around japan, about where to go.. i think something interesting he shared was about geishas. there's a place that they train geishas in nikko. hehe. he went to akihabara as well 'cos he's a collector of toys. hahaa. nikko really looks very pretty in the pictures he took with his wife=)
so yes. didn't do much work today. haha. talked to mani a bit too, about housing prices and what-nots. hahaa. found out that she lives a few blocks away from my tuition kids! hahaa. so near!
hahaha. i wanna go japan. and i do want to go to sungei lembing once in my lifetime. lol.

ah. i feel quite stupid now.
i've brought my data and all, but i've forgotten to send the excel sheet which i was typing the data in to my inbox. lol. hahaha.
faint.
Here's a song that i like a lot :)
You can find the song here
Heh. The song was in my laptop.. but since my laptop is spoilt, i can't really upload it onto imeem.
Here are the lyrics :)
Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
All my back bruised and nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

Chorus
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that is yours

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

heh. the SLP office people are quite nice :)
and even though waking up at 6.30am is not exactly something which i really enjoy doing,I enjoy the morning wind, and the cup of warm soyabean in the morning.
was early for work, so decided to wander around a little first.. was still early after wandering, so decided to go in early. hahaa. few people in the office. mani wasn't in yet either. saw helen in the office and i commented that she is early.. with which her reply was that she used to see her first client at 8am in the morning, and that it's not early anymore :) haha. my reply was that i'm still adjusting.
i think being in the slp office gives a very different perspective to people. as in.. to the graduate students, helen and anna are their lecturers.. but to me, they're my colleagues. conversation topics revolve around getting school, interesting things in singapore, how to use certain things on the computer... most of the time they'll talk about the getting to school and interesting things to do in singapore, while i listen. but it's cosy.. 'cos it's usually just the three of us in the office, and they involve me in their conversation whenever they talk. so i do enjoy it. though data entry is not exactly my favourite thing to do, the ease at which i can use excel helped get things done really fast. lol
mani has been nice too, helping me along the way, being available whenever i have questions and all :) i've got my term pass today! hahaha. haven't had access to the library and comp centre (and wherever a pass is needed) since i lost my matric card around 2 years ago. it feels good to tap and be welcomed into a place :) mani also asked me if i wanna have lunch with her today.. but i couldn't. heh.
helen was quite funny. i think she was worried that i'll be like amu (another girl who worked there before me..), working too hard and not resting.. so she was like trying to convince me that breaks are important, that it's okay to take a break and eat some cookies and drink tea and whatnots. haha. and they kept thanking me for the things i do :\ i feel appreciated, of course. but i also feel a bit weird being thanked for everything i do.
anyway, it's not that i don't rest. it's that when i have a task at hand and i have a deadline, i plan the time in my head and aim to complete them by then. lol. and when i start to focus for some time, God has created me to be able to focus for a long time (as long as i know what i'm doing). and i don't feel tired. and my productivity doesn't go down. hahaha. of course, again, i can't sustain that for more than 3 hrs at a go. and lunchtime at 1pm comes at the right time for the end of the focusing period, and presents itself aptly as a time to stop and rest.
but seriously speaking, i can't imagine pple doing admin for a living. i'll die. lol
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i've got a sorethroat. not one of those that occurs when u strain ur voice/use your voice for too long. it's one of those that occurs 'cos of a viral or bacterial infection. i seldom have one actually, so i really do not welcome one when i really do have it.
thank God for dequadin:)
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hahaha. I've been wanting to post this post for some time.. but delayed it because
1) wanted to prevent funny questions being shot at me
2) no time to sit down and type this out
3) had other things to think about.
Anyway, was reading the book 'Becoming what God intended' when the topic of the hebrew word 'love' came up. The hebrew word for 'love' which was used in the bible to describe God's love towards us, a husband's love towards his wife (to Hebrews) and a deep abiding friendship is 'ahavah' (meaning obtained from here.
According to the writer, 'ahavah' means to have a passionate delight in someone. In my own interpretation, a passionate delight probably means that you're passionately in love with the person, and that the person himself/herself brings great delight and joy to your heart. passionately in love will entail the willingness to sacrifice and intense liking. The love presented is one that is both deep and complete. It's more than just a romantic fling. Ahavah-love is intense, personal and passionate, and sacrificial.
The writer wrote that if you have the chance to go back and ask an ancient Hebrew about ahavah-love, the three qualities will always surface. i quote:
'If you asked him if you could have romantic love for just about anybody, he would think that was a strange question. In his culture, ahavah was only for the person who had gripped the heart. If you asked him if ahavah was a mild emotion, he would think the question was just dumb. Romance was always intense! If you asked him if ahavah-love was indifferent to the needs of the beloved, he would reply that the lover might even sacrifice his life for the beloved.'
Personally, i find it very fascinating. Fascinating on two accounts:
1) That's the love that God loves us with! No one else will do. Each and everyone of us have gripped His heart. He loves us intensely, passionately, personally. He doesn't want just a romantic fling. His love for us is deep, and complete.
2) That's how couples should love each other. I think we'll agree that the society today cheapens love. But when compared beside the standard of love that God has given in the bible for couples, the contrast becomes so much greater.
Crushes are out. So are those mini-kites that are sometimes placed there because it feels good to have someone to think and muse about. A bit like wasting of emotions. lol.
Not just in keeping purity of body and in mind, but in the purity of heart too.
That's my stand anyway. Think some people might think it's a very silly stand to take, or it's too ideal, or whatsoever.. I will hold onto that definition and test every kind of liking that comes along my way. lol.

Today I saw...
Damien! :D
Most of the time he has the 'eh, what's going on' look, but the times when he smiles, ah. so adorable. hahaha.
He likes to give me the egg. haha. and doesn't like green vege. He likes beef, but doesn't like the fish. And he likes to stir the pot of soup :D
When he calls people, he only knows how to call for 'korkor'. Doesn't know how to say 'jiejie' o.o||
He's 15...
months old.
lol.
He's the offspring of my cousin and his wife Tammy :) (sadly, i know the wife's name, but forgot my cousin's =D)
Tammy says that her family consists of guys.. possibly why Damien only knows how to call for 'korkor'. haha. faint.
oh. i'm super amazed at the sophistication of toys for children nowadays. The stove he was playing at came with effects for a boiling soup and a frying pan O.o Recent investigations into the prices of different toys have caused me to wonder how much money I'll have to set aside for my own children (if I do have in the future) for the area of toys O.o
i still like toddlers more though. i like children ages 2 and above. hahaha.

chi yi is always a more boring day for me than chu er.. for the simple reason that my relatives come to my house, stay for ard 2 hrs, and leave. then i'm free for the rest of the day. of course, i usually take the time to sleep/do work/watch anime...
i love kueh bangkit! hahaha. just learned this year what it's called. hahaha
we've got new additions for visitation this year:) lol. my niece (Cai Yun)'s daughters (my counsin's daughter's daughters - Kira and Nara) came. So did my nephew (kok Wai)'s girlfriend/fiancee (both are of the same age as me O.o). It's quite interesting i suppose:)
haha.
i like toddlers more than babies. haha. at least toddlers can talk.

yay. breakthrough. i woke up at 6.30am today!
yesterday was 7.30am. today is 6.30am. slept for 4 and a half hours :\ didn't really sleep a lot in the day as well (only in short snippets of around 10-15 mins during travelling)
i finished all the work in my tray at 11am! was quite tempted to ask if i could go off. hahaha. but no la, i went to ask mani for more work :\
today was more fun. anna and helen (the lecturers) were also in the office, so there were some random conversations (about singapore, cny, getting to school from marine parade...) flying around. i learned something new too! a proforma. lol.
i dun really like to send emails to ask pple for quotation of prices.. prefer things to do with doing up the catalogue. i like to it to be nicely listed. nicely labelled. and put nicely into the cupboard =D
and no, i'm not a neat person :)
went for my full body medical checkup as well 'cos i think i might have to wait for another 2 weeks if i don't go today :\ my second full body medical checkup.. first time in Raffles Medical (no appointment needed for me 'cos it's for my job) as well. lol. first medical checkup was of course in YIH.
it's a bit different.
the urine test is the same :P
eh. the xray part was different. in yih no need to do anything, can just go in straight to xray. in raffles medical, girls needed to go and change their tops into a medical robe. bleah. i really dun fancy wearing a medical robe and seeing a guy sitting on the seats near the xray room when i came out. it was disturbing enough to have to walk from the changing room to the xray room in that thing. it's more disturbing to see a guy (who's not a medical staff) there. but xray was fast. and i was really glad to change back. LOL
physical measurements were normal. apparently, i grew taller. now i'm 168cm.
got a female doctor for the body examination (think they kindly arranged it). i remember i got a female doctor for yih too.. but some of my female friends got a male doctor. regardless of whether we know they're pro or not, it's still disturbing (to me la) to have a male doctor examining your body. i think 'cos i dun let a lot of guys come into my personal space (which can be quite a diameter depending on the situation. lol).
yes. the doctor's very nice =) haha. so yes, i've passed my medical examination! my blood pressure was 120/80mmHg.. which she said was normal, but the internet said will need to take note. haha. oh well :)
then went to get stuff and met serene to talk. we lost track of time :\
a bit tired now (shorter attention span). type more next time. lol

God will make everything beautiful in His time :)

today felt like a few days. Or rather, I felt as if I've lived a few days in one day.
Brought back the Steph's spelling coding to do :) lol. Now I have home-work (literally!) She's going off to Australia for her doctorate very very soon. Quite surprised to hear it, but glad for her I guess :)
research scheduling has been coming in too.. i'd better start practicing my CELF :)
Chi's falling asleep on my computer table again O.o

with my eyes I long to see You smile
with my ears I long to hear Your voice
with all my heart I long to feel You
with all my soul I long to seek You
please help me find the way to Your dwelling place
i long to hide in the shadow of Your wings
to find my rest as I dwell in Your peace
to live forever in the beauty of Your grace

I did an amateur calculation of my finances once I get my salary.. and realized that sadly, after the minus-ing of my CPF, my tithe and my pledged tuition loan-return ($750/month) amount, i have a grand total of $1035 as my effective salary. If i minus away money for transport, phone bills, to be given to parents, i have $435 left. lol. sadness.
whoever said that working pple are rich?
at least i should be able to finish paying my entire loan in 2 years 2 months - 4 months. yes.

Just realized that what I've experienced before is the entoptic phenomenon Have seen floaters before (and thought that somehow or another, by some weird function, my eyes were able to magnify bacteria.. saw eyelashes (as if it's under a microscope) before too.

Was reading huanyan's blog in the afternoon, that one of his friends died.
I just received an sms (not too long ago) from boonliong.
kaiyan died a few days ago.
i think when i received the news i was quite stunned. i'm still quite stunned.
not very close to him, but close enough to feel something.

Think it's only recently (by recent, it means within this couple of months), that I start to appreciate the beatitudes even more (not that i didn't in the past, but the verses of the beatitudes kept coming back to me in the past few months).

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
When we realize we are broken and nothing before God, when our hearts are made so contrite and our spirits before God.

Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
When we cry in our hearts.

Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
The people who may not be considered strong by the world. Those who do not assert themselves (?)

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled
When you hunger and thirst, it means you have a lack of it in your body, but recognize their lack and has the desire to be filled right? Righteousness does not come from us, but is credited to us through Jesus when we receive Him into our lives.

According to wikipedia, the beatitudes comes from the word 'beatus' which means 'blessed' or 'happy'. I quote:
"The blessed nature that these characteristics endow is not meant to be considered from a worldly perspective, but from a psychological perspective. The word traditionally translated into English as "blessed" or "happy" is in the Greek original μακάριος (makarios). A more literal translation into contemporary English may be "possessing an inward contentedness and joy that is not affected by the physical circumstances". The Beatitudes imply that people not normally considered blessed on Earth are in fact blessed by God and will experience the Kingdom of Heaven."

Doesn't it fall so nicely in line with what Paul means when he said 'for when I am weak, then I am strong'? That when we know in our hearts that we don't have much to offer, that though the world has taught us to show the strong side of ourselves to others and keep the weak side to ourselves - we know that we still have lots of weaknesses inside us, that when we are mourning inside beyond what is seen, the promise of God is that we will be 'be comforted, inherit the earth, filled' and that ours is the 'kingdom of heaven'.
Not to say that we have to go around saying 'oh, i'm so weak, oh i'm so meek'... but in our hearts acknowledge our own brokenness before God, and that's the first fundamental step to seeing the power of God work through us.
i always remember what Jason wrote in a card to me long time ago:
'a broken and contrite heart, God will not despise'.

okay. mani finally replied :) hehe.
had a RA (research assistants) meeting today at 1pm, but it kinda 'clashes' with the admin assistant job (i'm supposed to go in at 2pm, but i think the meeting will end ard 2.30 or 3). so i emailed mani (i'll be helping her! the poor woman is tasked with the admin stuff of the whole office - not sure if it's just the SLP or the whole medical graduates office. think she's about to die from the load) to ask if i should come in earlier, then leave, and come again, or if i can come in later. there was no reply for 3 days O.o
so i woke up earlier today to check my email for a reply, just in case she wants me to come in at 11am. Thank God for her, she said i can come in later:D So nice. hehe.
anyway, the SLP pple know that i'm a RA for Dr Tan, so i can negotiate the timing to come in. If they don't, I don't think I'd have been able to come in at a later timing. hahaa. but then again, if they don't, i wldn't have taken up the AA part time.
it's interesting to hear them plan things for the graduate students during the meeting. hehe. can see how they do take the students' welfare into consideration while planning the timetable and all. pretty interesting :)

ah. mani hasn't gotten back to me! O.o

We went to Hob Nob Cafe Bar to celebrate Jan's birthday. My first time there. hahaa. It's a hidden find!:) Do pop by if you have the chance to.
Called in the morning to make reservations for 15 people.. think the female staff was kinda surprised, so she's took down my number and got the lady boss to call me back. haha. Lady boss (Cheryl) was very nice. She arranged arrangements with me, asked if her suggestions were okay, told me that if I've called two days in advance, we would have even be able to plan out a fixed menu with dishes from the original menu.. I was really quite surprised by the personal service :)
The place itself was very cosy. Very nicely decorated. Lady Boss (I took to calling her by this name) was very friendly, constantly asking me if everything's okay, asking the people if they need more stuff.. haha. She was quite funny too, kinda like trying to liven up the atmosphere even more by asking Jan to sing, as well as to give some comments when she's popping by to serve us. Very personal service :) hahaha. This sounds like a food review.. but i really think good service should be complimented.
Oh! And the food was not bad! :D haha. I had chix cutlet (which came with mushroom sauce. Not just the creamy mushroom sauce with mushroom taste, but really mushroom sauce with mushrooms, and a tinge of wine. hahaa. mushroom sauce was warm when it got served though.) quite surprised to see the standard of the food as well. hahaa. i pay $9.80 nett for my chix cutlet :D Jan's pork cutlet was probably made themselves.. 'cos it had cheese and ham inside (which was a pleasant surprise to many of us, even though we didn't try it. haha. it's just surprising to have something inside. hahaha!) and ellson's grilled fish (i think),$14.80 nett, had black caviar on top! hahaha. That was a surprise too.
So yup, service wise and food standards exceeded my expectations :) can go there for shepherdings (though cheryl tends to pop by quite often, so not sure if it's good for teachings), dates, gatherings (can reserve in advance!) and celebrations:) haha.
or can go with me! I'd want to go back to try the pork cutlet and the aglio olio (read reviews that it's not bad), as well as the tomyam spaghetti!
anyway, it's located at Far East Shopping Centre (beside wheelock place), #03-18/19. yup:)
and no, i'm not endorsed by them, or related to them in any way. hahaa.

oh btw. i think this game is super funny. hahahaha

Shirley prayed over me and described a picture God has given to her. She said God gave her a picture of an expressway (not the kind in Singapore), but the really long kind in other countries.. about how my future has a lot of possibilities and is very bright (didn't really understand the bright part. haha). but all God wants to tell me is to keep walking with Him, just continue walking one step at a time with Him. [at least this is what i caught.]
today's prayer meet really spoke to me :) at least it resonated with my plans for this year. haha. a year of preparation. i really want this period of time to prepare myself strong, to continue building my life (in all the different aspects) up. i want to build my roots stronger, so that i'll stand greater storms with God. i want to make my character stronger, so that it can stand the beatings of immorality present in the world.
and i was just thinking about how i'm just one person in the whole convention hall, how if i want to effect greater change in the world, i need to rise up in position, when pastor jeff prayed for the 'one person' thing too.
had lots of thoughts through the prayer meet. it's really refreshing to be in the presence of God and God's people, and to see the church gather together in prayer :) very heartening!

lol.
just realized today that psychology has a cross-over department to the medical faculty - speech and language pathology department in the department of graduate medical studies. faint. lol. Dr Tan brought me there today to meet Helen (who taught us how to administer the CELF) and Erin (the other RA under Dr Tan:). thank God for Dr Tan. hahaha. Was a little nervous when Helen taught us the CELF. actually, come to think of it, i didn't have to be nervous.. 'cos have had the experience of administering quite a lot of tests before. but i guess 'cos the teaching methods' a little different, and the person who taught was different as well. ah well:) and previously i knew Steph as a friend, but i dunno Helen as a friend :P and 4 year olds are different from 5 year olds. hahaha.
anyway, it's quite exciting to be involved in another research project. I miss research actually..haha. i like collecting data. i just don't like analyzing them. so i'm quite fine being a research assistant to assist in collecting the data... but not very fine with analyzing them:P
yup.
will be doing some admin work for susan at the SLP in medical fac too. but only ard 4 hrs every friday.. so should still have time for other stuff :) and i can get weiwen out for lunch! or go hq and kajiao pple. hehe.
going for appointment formalities tmr!:) ah.

Ah.
my adobe photoshop is gone. ahhh.
it's not in my comp.
i thought i had it in my comp too. but i don't.
alamak.
haha.

Yes I know it's late.
hahaha.
and at the rate this is going, I'm not going to be able to wake up at 6.30am anytime soon.
but was listening to praise and worship songs and feeling excited about this sat's service. then was looking at a sister's blog and suddenly i felt the desire to blog. so here i am.
i have a journal kind of book, in which i'd write all sorts of things. frustrations, planning, times of joy, things i've learned. usually frustrations, frustrations and more frustrations. until i grow. then got more things. hahaha.
my first entry was from 12 June '04 (oh, so i didn't start journalling when i came to know God in 03. ahhahaa) it started out with the VJ vision that jiali gave (which i thought was really cool). Some excerpts as to what I wrote:
"I learnt a few things from the people and about the people around me as well. I learned from Jasmine that it's very important to be truly honest with yourself and God. I've always selected the words I use to talk to God carefully, as if there's anything I can hide from God. (these words were in a different colour) I need to real to God about my struggles and fears (end of diff colour) 'cos it's only by admitting that, then I can humble myself and ask to God for help. Further thing was that (diff colour again) I need to spend my time for God, not for self entertainment. And even if I'm out, there must be a purpose for what I'm doing (end of diff colour)."
that was the time when i implemented things. hahaha. such as regular QT, smiling, using time wisely to glorify God.
the next entry came with a chapter in psalms that encouraged me countless times through the years. It was a word given by God when I prayed to Him. Psalm 73. Still remains as one of my favourite chapters today, though may not speak so much into my situation anymore.
Subsequently I also learned that God gave me brains for a purpose, so I don't have to ask my shepherd about every problem which I face. lol. I learned that studies can be a form of ministry too. I wanted to learn skills (of being a shepherd, being in counter ministry, cg roles). God spoke to me about loving people, about the attitudes towards studies..God showed me that His name is to be revered and respected. He reminded me to honour my parents, to pray for the people even as I have the burden.
He helped me realize that (from a 180604 entry) "if i've sinned, I feel further from God and more reluctant to come to seek God 'cos I have guilt inside my heart. Maybe that's how pple stray away from God. 'cos they're fearful of facing God 'cos they know that their ugly deeds will be laid open in front of them and God and they'll have to account. I also realize that the least things I'm willing to do, the least I learn from God." He brought me through a period of irritation and challenged me to have compassion and love. He reminded me that the leadership team MUST set the standard for the whole entire CG, and that it's good to be proactive about sleep (oops).
the line To be disciplined is not a desire, it is a decision! kept appearing.
He also reminded me that it's a blessing to be saved by God, that all I need is Him.
And possibly why I keep having the desire to believe in people and see their potential could lie in the fact that Jiali once said these words to me 'I believe in you'. small words with big effects.
-Stars shine the brightest when nights are the darkest-
My journal also recorded down dealings with disappointment with sheep, dealing with own spiritual dryness, lack of zeal and interest. Disappointments that change into bitterness. God always reminds me to persevere on. To be patient. To love. Countless times I've checked my motives to see why I do the things I do (whether it's out of a love for God, or a love for people, or just out of not wanting to disappoint people). whether I'm serving Him with the right motives.
records of frustration over not doing proper QT and procrastination kept appearing too. negative thoughts. wasting time due to games. of not treating people around me with purity of heart. of not praying as often as i should. Impatience...
but God is good and faithful.
He continued to teach me to trust and obey. To meditate on His love for us. He showed me the power of fasting and leaning on His power. My hope being in Him. Faithfulness of God.
I saw the amazing faithfulness of God in 26 March 2005, during easter service, where my cg had 9 visitors and 5 conversions. it was a day i dun think i can forget.

I'm still growing in discipline. I'm still growing in love and compassion. I'm still growing in patience. I'm still growing in thanksgiving.
I'm still growing in almost everything there needs to be grown in O.o
But God continues to be faithful.
Every year when I think back in the past few years, I can see how God is moulding me in different seasons of my life. The different areas He had to prune, the different things he had to bring me through so that I can grow (things that cause me to laugh, to cry, to feel burdened for days on end...), so that I can learn to lean on Him more, so that I won't be so prideful, so that I can be more effective and efficient, so that I can know myself more, so that I can know God more. To seek Him more.
Really quite glad whenever I take a flip through the pages of this informal journal. hahaa. then can give thanks to God and see which areas I've grown in, as well as know why i hold certain principles and where the roots came from :)

Recently there's been an Orijen scare. Apaprently in a country not so far away from us (Australia), there were ard 5 cats which showed similar symptoms of having paralysis and having to be euthanized. The link between all the cats were that they all consumed Orijen cat food. lol. The blame has been placed on the Australian government for setting the regulation that Orijen cat food has to be irradiated (at a pretty high exposure) due to its food being processed at a lower temperature.
How does this concern me? or you (it probably doesn't concern u. lol)?
Well.
Chi is a picky eater :) Having been hand-fed and pampered since young, she's grown to be a picky eater who likes canned wet food and doesn't exactly like the dry. lol. attempts at mixing dry food with wet has only brought about a bowl of leftover wet dry food.
So imagine my joy and delight when upon feeding Chi dry food from the trial pack of Orijen (which costs me $8++ for a 400g pack -- usually it costs $3 for a 400g pack for other brands), Chi loves it! hahahaa. in fact, she prefers it even over the premium canned salmon thing that i'll buy to pamper. yay.
so it's only natural that the australian scare is of concern to me O.o i don't want chi to suddenly stop moving :\ lol
but upon further research, it seems that there should be no problem in singapore. so i'm back to buying Orijen (also 'cos it's cheaper than buying 24 cans of wet food and finishing them within a few days O.o) =D

a bit tired. lol.
there're a few things i've wanted to blog about, but have not had the time or energy to.
first day of having my two tuitions in a row. handling hyperactive p5 kids and then a super phlegmatic sec 4 kid was interesting. lol.
and i've yet to finish tidying up my room!

I like flexibility within structure :)
I best work under a situation where there's a nice skeleton and structure, but still has flexibility for me to work with.
Taking for example a script, I work best when the theme, character profiles and the general flow of the script is given (e.g. talking about this, then talking abt that), and everything else is left to me to write. haha.
If too much structure is given, I feel very restrained.
If too much freedom is given, I feel slightly lost and will attempt to set the structure myself.
How troublesome :)

Today my fan decided to die on me. hahaha. Quite sad, 'cos I think it's only been with me for less than 6 months. haha. It burned out. 'Cos I usually turn it on for the entire night, as well as the entire day (if Chi has to be kept in the room). It first weakened, but didn't really bother me much since the days are turning cold. And now it's burned out. and died. haha. okay. I don't sound very sympathetic, do I?
But it reminds us that if we keep going on and on and on without resting, we'll burn out too :) our productivity may go down, and if we do not take notice of it, we'll burn out one day, and die. and possibly will need to be changed.
So, resting is important!:) (being lazy is not.)
Personally I rest a lot. i don't know about your definition of resting, but usually when I'm alone and doing something of choice (e.g. planning, watching anime, thinking), it's considered to be a rest for me. hahaha. Unless I'm shopping for something. Somehow or another, shopping for things tire me out very easily.
So yes, I rest a lot. Possibly much more than the people around me. lol.
Was thinking how I'd want to train my body (beat it and make it my slave :O) in preparation for the fulltime training in NIE ahead of me :\ So possibly I might want to train myself to slowly revert to waking up at 6.30 or 7am ('cos i think my lessons will start at 8am :\ or else my work will definitely start at/before 8am). I wanna see how my body responds.. which are my productive hours. I already know some stuff about my energy level. For example, I am twice more productive in the night than in the day. lol. And I can sustain on 5 hours of sleep for around 3 days in a row and still be able to function quite okaily in the day without falling asleep. I can also function on 3 hrs of sleep but will start feeling tired in the afternoon, but can still pull an all-nighter that day, and possibly die around 9am the next morning. My optimum is around 7 hours per day, sleeping at 3am and waking at 10am, but i can't do that when i start work :( or start school. so need to figure new hours soon (taking in consideration that my body's aging too:D)
yes. smsing pple keeps me awake too. so when you receive smses for me, it's very possible that i am either 1) travelling, 2) falling asleep.
i've also realized (along the years) that my attention span is quite short. i can be very very productive for a period of time, but will start to wander off very soon. that's when i need to take a rest. i can only sustain for a long long time (approx 3 hours) after 2 hrs of breaking in (having a short attention span during this period of time). so effectively, i need 2 hrs to warm up. after the 3 hrs, i need a long break (e.g. 1 hr), then i'll need to warm up again. so if my work starts at 8am next time, i'll only start to be very effective ard 10am (which coincides with me optimum awake hour) and will die ard 1pm (hopefully coinciding with my lunchtime). lol.
night is different though. night i only need 15 mins to break in.
ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm still waiting.
Waiting for you to sort things out.

And I'll wait too.
Waiting for you to have a breakthrough.

And again I'll wait.
Waiting for you to reconcile things within your heart.

When the people matter to you, waiting hurts.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love forgives.
Love waits.
Learning to continue waiting on the epitome of love for the people i love.

-nobody knows how weak i am
better than You
and nobody sees all of my needs
better than You
nobody has the power to change to me
to what i was born to be
Jesus be strong in my weakness
empower me

Empower me
like a rushing river flowing to the sea
Lord, send Your Holy Spirit flowing out through me
till I'm living as Your child
victorious and free
send the power of Your love
empower me-

i've officially reached my 2009th post:)
and forgot what i was going to say. lol. God made my mirrored, perceived self an IC so that they can balance each other out:) and complement each other. good.

my wisdom teeth are growing.
at first there was only one (which peeked out of the gum after some time), now the bottom right side is aching too.
just read that the body may have slight fevers when the wisdom teeth are being grown. that'll explain for my slight fevers=D haha.
it's a gnawing feeling in my gums. makes me feel like poking it.
found a game that's pretty interesting :) bloxorz it's a puzzle game. can go try it when you're free:) haha.

Having two cats in the house is an ordeal for me :\
Noticed how Chi was quite bored, so decided to open the main house door and gate for her to explore outside. Apparently, within the span of a short while, she developed a phobia for the outside world earlier in the day due to my father accidentally locking her out in her secret venture to the outside world, and was found only after my mum heard meowing from the outside. Chi was quite hesitant in venturing out, so I decided to deposit myself at the stairs outside, to assure her that it's okay to come out.
She came out, scuttled back into the house, came out again, scuttled back in, and eventually found more courage to venture to my hand. lol.
Anyway, to cut the long story short, the big cat appeared. Maomi, a stray cat who used to reside in my house, came. I was quite surprised, considering that she's not appeared for some time, and even more surprised when she ventured into the house. Chi disappeared after maomi came into the house. Into my parents' room.
Was quite lost as to what to do.. think maomi didn't come in for food or for a fight, she merely walked around the house, sniffing at items that Chi played with, came into my room, sniffed at the litter tray, the food.. then went to the kitchen to clean herself. I went into my parents' room to look at Chi, and Chi, upon smelling the scent of maomi on my fingers, hissed at me :\ so interesting. 2nd time I heard her hiss:S
oh well. to tell the truth ah, though I know that I should be glad that maomi is back, and I am:), there's a great part of my heart which worries for Chi (worried that Chi will feel jealous, worried that maomi will fight with her), and another part thinking about how I'm going to raise two cats.
lol.
thank God maomi left in the end :\

This is the first blogpost of 2009 :) hahaha.
Sadly, it's not the 2009th post. ah well. plans fail at times. hahahaa.
Was surfing through facebook when I realized two things:)
1) my yr 1 lit tutor is a friend of my friend!
2) Dr Why Yong Peng has a facebook account!
okay.
happy new year everyone!:)