Yes I know it's late.
hahaha.
and at the rate this is going, I'm not going to be able to wake up at 6.30am anytime soon.
but was listening to praise and worship songs and feeling excited about this sat's service. then was looking at a sister's blog and suddenly i felt the desire to blog. so here i am.
i have a journal kind of book, in which i'd write all sorts of things. frustrations, planning, times of joy, things i've learned. usually frustrations, frustrations and more frustrations. until i grow. then got more things. hahaha.
my first entry was from 12 June '04 (oh, so i didn't start journalling when i came to know God in 03. ahhahaa) it started out with the VJ vision that jiali gave (which i thought was really cool). Some excerpts as to what I wrote:
"I learnt a few things from the people and about the people around me as well. I learned from Jasmine that it's very important to be truly honest with yourself and God. I've always selected the words I use to talk to God carefully, as if there's anything I can hide from God. (these words were in a different colour) I need to real to God about my struggles and fears (end of diff colour) 'cos it's only by admitting that, then I can humble myself and ask to God for help. Further thing was that (diff colour again) I need to spend my time for God, not for self entertainment. And even if I'm out, there must be a purpose for what I'm doing (end of diff colour)."
that was the time when i implemented things. hahaha. such as regular QT, smiling, using time wisely to glorify God.
the next entry came with a chapter in psalms that encouraged me countless times through the years. It was a word given by God when I prayed to Him. Psalm 73. Still remains as one of my favourite chapters today, though may not speak so much into my situation anymore.
Subsequently I also learned that God gave me brains for a purpose, so I don't have to ask my shepherd about every problem which I face. lol. I learned that studies can be a form of ministry too. I wanted to learn skills (of being a shepherd, being in counter ministry, cg roles). God spoke to me about loving people, about the attitudes towards studies..God showed me that His name is to be revered and respected. He reminded me to honour my parents, to pray for the people even as I have the burden.
He helped me realize that (from a 180604 entry) "if i've sinned, I feel further from God and more reluctant to come to seek God 'cos I have guilt inside my heart. Maybe that's how pple stray away from God. 'cos they're fearful of facing God 'cos they know that their ugly deeds will be laid open in front of them and God and they'll have to account. I also realize that the least things I'm willing to do, the least I learn from God." He brought me through a period of irritation and challenged me to have compassion and love. He reminded me that the leadership team MUST set the standard for the whole entire CG, and that it's good to be proactive about sleep (oops).
the line To be disciplined is not a desire, it is a decision! kept appearing.
He also reminded me that it's a blessing to be saved by God, that all I need is Him.
And possibly why I keep having the desire to believe in people and see their potential could lie in the fact that Jiali once said these words to me 'I believe in you'. small words with big effects.
-Stars shine the brightest when nights are the darkest-
My journal also recorded down dealings with disappointment with sheep, dealing with own spiritual dryness, lack of zeal and interest. Disappointments that change into bitterness. God always reminds me to persevere on. To be patient. To love. Countless times I've checked my motives to see why I do the things I do (whether it's out of a love for God, or a love for people, or just out of not wanting to disappoint people). whether I'm serving Him with the right motives.
records of frustration over not doing proper QT and procrastination kept appearing too. negative thoughts. wasting time due to games. of not treating people around me with purity of heart. of not praying as often as i should. Impatience...
but God is good and faithful.
He continued to teach me to trust and obey. To meditate on His love for us. He showed me the power of fasting and leaning on His power. My hope being in Him. Faithfulness of God.
I saw the amazing faithfulness of God in 26 March 2005, during easter service, where my cg had 9 visitors and 5 conversions. it was a day i dun think i can forget.

I'm still growing in discipline. I'm still growing in love and compassion. I'm still growing in patience. I'm still growing in thanksgiving.
I'm still growing in almost everything there needs to be grown in O.o
But God continues to be faithful.
Every year when I think back in the past few years, I can see how God is moulding me in different seasons of my life. The different areas He had to prune, the different things he had to bring me through so that I can grow (things that cause me to laugh, to cry, to feel burdened for days on end...), so that I can learn to lean on Him more, so that I won't be so prideful, so that I can be more effective and efficient, so that I can know myself more, so that I can know God more. To seek Him more.
Really quite glad whenever I take a flip through the pages of this informal journal. hahaa. then can give thanks to God and see which areas I've grown in, as well as know why i hold certain principles and where the roots came from :)