yay. i've slept and awoken:) haha. there was service yesterday:) i always enjoy the time of service 'cos it's when i see so many of the sisters and brothers together, as well as seeing close friends together as well:) haha.

yesterday sengkim gave us a shock (hehe. i should say pleasant surprise right? O.o) by giving us roses. here're pictures of the roses:the flowers look like this when i first got them in the afternoon:) nice and fresh. haha. thanks brother! ruisi was like commenting that he must have spent a lot on the flowers 'cos he gave to a few sisters. hahaa. apparently ruisi likes flowers! so pple, you all can give her flowers on valentine's day or something!:) or her birthday!
Anyway, the flowers started to turn blackish at night... after Hanes' competition... haha. they looked like this:heh. this looks darker partly 'cos i took them at night.. 2am in the morning at the somerset busstop:)those are my fingers for comparison. hahaha.
think it was really sweet of him to give us roses:) brothers. learn to be more chivalrous. haha. the chivalrous thing came about from pastor jeff's sharing. haha. pastor jeff was sharing about the adulterous act between david and bathsheba 'cos it was part 2 of the valentine's special and inevitably we touched on the topic of bgr. hmm. he also talked about how girls can be fashionable but not overexposed. haha. i saw an overexposed female during hanes' competition:

the female on the left of the picture. hahaha. she's the host. i think she's being cleopatra, 'cos the other male host is dressed up as an egyptian pharaoh of sorts. anyway, ziwei, jessie, wenjuan and me went to hanes' competition at fort canning. it's supposed to be some festival of love and youth. quite cliched. hahaha. anyway, the whole trip would have been quite a waste if not for the great company and the fact that hanes' band is superbly brilliant! they're so excellent. hahaha. i was wowed by them. haha. it's like a mix of evanescence with radiohead with jazzzzzzz. you really gotta catch them. they did 'lovefool' and 'can't take my eyes off you' as covers. haha and their originals are so amazing. btw, the female singer you see in the above picture is called michelle (another michelle!) and she's the lead vocalist for the band. the guy behind is the guitarist and i think he also does the mixes... not very sure. haha. more pictures coming up!:)This is Hanes at the keyboard. the lower picture is taken when he's playing. didn't take pictures when he's self indulged into the music. but his keyboard skills are amazing. i love the third track. it's so nicely crafted and so haunting:)

this is michelle the lead vocalist:) she can draw the audience quite well. some of the guys from a former band were like going gaga over her. super hilarious to see. not yet grown up ba:)

the guitarists! hahaa. so amazing. i was so amazing at their skills and ability to turn the guitar into an instrument that doesn't just churn out the normal chords, but to be used to create resonance and that kinda thing as well:) amazing desu!
Here's a picture of the ziwei, jessie, juan and hanes:)

Oh. but the judging criteria was super unfair. and i refuse to talk about it anymore:) the judges were pretty useless except for the first one who gave constructive comments. haha:) quite exhausted now.. haha. shall end off with a photo of my tution kid's younger sister!
haha!

Everything looks okay!:) haha. for the pictures anyway:) let's see.. what else happened on wednesday? :) haha. there was a presentation for issues in development tutorial.. and we all get the chance to roleplay (if we choose to) the role of an autistic child=] haha. and their special classroom and learning method.. it was quite interesting. as tan seok hui said, it's the only time we get to misbehave! =] haha.

first time for cg under jiadai as well:) haha. she brought us to the singapore railway track. that's so omoshirooi (dunno how to spell it). lol. here's a picture of the cg pple at the railway track!:) without me of course.. who else can be taking the photo? hahaa.

yay. and we went to bukit timah plaza to eat and get to know each other more:) daidai shared about colossians 3:12-17 (which was rather familiar to me 'cos of the fact that i used the verse while sharing to weiling in the morning) and we all wrote down one area in our lives we hope to grow in more:) mine was compassion=]

This is getting pretty fun.. writing a short excerpt of what's been happening in my life and putting pictures up on the post. hope the pictures dun disappear within just a few months or so. haha:) yea.. wednesday night i went swimming with michelle=] hahaa. was thinking that angela will be quite delighted to go to the swimming pool. 'hot bods' she'll say. we managed to swim only till 9pm.. 'cos that's when the lifeguard blew his whistle and chased us out of the pool :( anyway, no pictures for this:) hahaa.
I went studying on thursday night at the macs near my house for the stats 2 test on friday. haha. think i study better in macs than at home or anywhere else. actually i do study better alone, in a place with aircon, with other pple around whom i dunno and with some food in front of me:) which fits macs relatively well! but it's gonna be quite expensive to keep studying there though. haha. and not very good for my body... so much junk food around.

As can been seen from the above picture, i got a happy meal! hahaa. the toy was a spin sort of thing which is really cool 'cos it's very stable after it starts to spin:) and it spins by using this simple machinery of some sort which is supposed to imitate a pokemon ball! hahaa. cool right? friday's test turned out to be quite simple. none of the complicated mathematics formulae which i practiced and memorized in macs. haha. so sad:(
Friday night was the night of guan zhen's birthday celebration! haha. it's an interesting time 'cos it's the first time i've gone to guan's birthday party, and it's been a long time since i saw pple like dalena, meizhen, alina, michelle teo and weilin. hehe. weilin brought her gf along too. saw sylvia as well:) and of course pple like isobel, yileng, yingxin (though we're in nus, we seldom meet. quite sad as well) :) haha. and jits too (though i see jits lots of times per week:S hahahaa) yea. some more pictures. i'm so sleepy at this moment:S
cannot cannot. i buay tahan. super tired. goodnight. hahaha. will post about the rest tmr:) or today. hahaha

These few days have been relatively exciting. haha. on tuesday we mini-celebrated jitsy's birthday at munchie monkey's.. more of like we just ate there. haha. i got to know guan zhen a little more during the time at munchie monkey's=] haha. felt quite glad that we got the chance to sit down, eat and talk nonsense for a while. seems like we haven't done it for some time:) some pictures as illustrations... haha. though the pictures keep going into different places. disastrous desu neh!haha. oh yes. and i saw a beautiful moon in the bright early wednesday morning when i went out of house at 7am! :S let me post this post first to see how it goes:)

yay. i've decided to cut my hair short.
haha. was wondering if i should. 'cos long hair can keep my neck warm when i'm cold. LOL.
cut short. then shock everyone=] sounds good.
let's see how it goes. hmm.

-someday, when my life has passed me by
i look around and i wonder why
you were always there for me-

haha. there's a same seduction test on kaili and ruisi's blog. haha. they've got a cool way of asking the questions.. you've gotta click on the pictures and the qns will pop up. really nice:))
anyway, speaking of seduction, there's this upcoming play called 251. it's featured by toyfactory and apparently is inspired by the story of annabel chong. frankly speaking when i saw the play, i don't know whether to feel disturbed or to feel irritated.
for the sake of people who don't know who annabel chong is, she's a singapore girl who became a porn star. i first heard about her in secondary school. apparently she was a gepper as well. that's one of the reasons i don't know whether to feel disturbed or not. she studied law under a scholarship wor. but some things happen.
perhaps she never recovered from what happened to her. but i don't understand why she would choose such a route to express what she wants to say as well.
anyway, back to the play. personally i don't see what's so inspiring about her 251 within 10 hour record. secondly, i don't see why they made it into a play at this moment when she's retired from the pornography scene. thirdly, i think it's not a very healthy play to watch. don't know why i feel insulted when i saw the advertisement. same as how i feel that it's insulting for hossan leong to do a standup comedy on multiple personality disorder. it's an insult to people who actually do have the disorder and it's not helpful for the understanding either. i mean, i quite enjoyed yellow wallpaper even though it's about another disorder as well. it's how they handle it i suppose. making an disorder into a comedy is just not funny.
and by using the number as the title, it's like signifying that the record was what forms her as a person, and not who she is as a person. ultimately she's just like all of us, a human being with an innate sinful nature.
well. perhaps i'm just overreacting. it's a play afterall. it's just a play i wouldn't watch:P

This is gonna be one of my rare bimbotic posts. for the simple reason that i do not usually post about such stuff. LOL.
finally went to buy a tube of lip gloss. the weather's been relatively dry recently. hahaa. actually wanted to buy a tube for myself when i was buying weiling's...but no money yah:) got silkygirl's vintage rose lip gloss. haha. i love the colour. lol. it's not those kinda bimbotic glittery bright coloured gloss... it's warm coloured and it blends with my lips:P like dark pink with a tinge of brown, melded together. haha. i used to have nail polish from body shop of that same colour too. hmm.
felt a bit embarrased buying lip gloss. quite silly hor. had all kinds of stupid makeup in the past - eyeshadow, mascara, foundation, skin toner, blusher, mud mask, lipstick and different kinds of brushes for the different kinds of makeup. terrible waste of money when it's in my hands. used once and never used them again. LOL. i'll buy something, use it once and then leave it in my makeup bag for a long time. then gotta throw it away 'cos they say u've gotta change ur makeup every 3 months. wahaha. faint.
i still think that skinny ties are good XD
anyway, hope i'll utilize it more often than in the past:) if i ever use it at all XD i suspect it's another of those stupid impulsive actions i sometimes have.

there's a lot of change going on in my world now:) the change of caregroup. the change of style of school i'm used to (from having lots of term papers to having lots of project groups. disgusting:D) as well as the change of events finance structure.
change is still kowaii for me. and certainly my body still reacts to change in my life (i lose my appetite whenever things around me change. great time for losing weight. haha) but i think i start to see the change in myself towards the reaction towards change. i mean afterall, God allowed me to go through 2 service changes (which means that i had been in 3 different services before, 6 cl changes and 4 shepherd (michelle's my 5th shepherd. kekekeke.) changes within 4 years.
thank You.

After trying to search for the lyrics of 'I'm Forever Yours' by Planetshakers and being unable to find them, i've decided to type them out myself:)

"I'm Forever Yours" - Planetshakers

I give my all to You
Send me and i will go for You
To the ends of the earth
I'll follow after You
I want the world to know
Your love endures forever

Tell me and i'll obey
This is far greater than sacrifice
Trusting you and not myself
Will always lead to blessing
Lord have Your way in me
Not my will, Yours be done

Chorus:
Here i stand within Your presence longing for Your touch
A thousand days cannot compare to one day in Your courts
Hold me now and never ever let me go
My Jesus, my precious Saviour
I'm forever yours

Bridge:
And I will worship You forever
I will worship You

Think this is really my heart song for now. Especially the bold sections. Firmly believing in the fact that trusting God and not myself will always lead to blessings, firmly believing that obedience to Christ is the key the growth, firmly believing that everything comes with a choice. A choice to obey, a choice not to obey. A choice to acknowledge His power, a choice to acknowledge His sovereignty. A choice to obey even when it hurts, a choice to trust even when things seem shaky.

Here i stand within Your presence longing for Your touch
A thousand days cannot compare to one day in Your courts!

And i'm singing this song not because i'm going through tough times of doubt at this moment, but singing it as a reflection of what i've learnt last year through my incidents with people and with God. how everytime i lay down my pride (including pride in thinking that i have the right to feel certain ways), He blessed me so greatly. A choice to persevere for 2 years of tough moulding and questions. of anger, tears, depression and doubt. When i constantly faced with the question of trusting Him or not.

Trusting You and not myself
Will ALWAYS lead to blessing
Lord have Your way in me
Not my will, YOURS BE DONE

amen:) so sweet is the fruit.

And i will worship You forever
i will worship You

I was just thinking on the bus the other day about the topic of death. it's a weird topic to think about... i was thinking about how it is like to just one day die and not be on this earth anymore. not being able to eat the things i like, to watch the animes, to laugh with my friends, to hug someone or give a person a pat on the shoulder.
one life and soon it'll pass.
that's why i don't want to waste it away! i don't want to spend the time knowing that i should do something and not do it. and even when i fall into the phlegmatism or stubbornness of not doing what i should be doing, i want to realise it, repent and change.
time's too short to always keep holding onto one's pride. to keep thinking that one's right. to keep looking at oneself. to be selfish to think that the world revolves around oneself. to think that no one cares or understands. life's too short to be forever struggling with lies from Satan. look to Jesus. trust in Jesus despite understanding and obey. everybody can do that, if only you choose to. Win the mental battle. and stop thinking that one can't win the mental battle.
and even if sometimes we're blinded and we can't focus on Jesus... we still have the brothers and sisters around. so that we can gambaru together. so that when i'm blinded, you can help to take off my blindfolds (though sometimes it hurts to see the light after not seeing it for some time), and i can help to take off your blindfolds when you're blinded. to help each other remember about character of God. that He is mighty to save IN ALL SITUATIONS.

Unsung Songs
How many songs never sung,
poems never written,
pictures never painted,
risks never taken,
bridges never crossed,
romantic words never spoken...
locked inside a lonely heart
the prison of another's making...
are left unexpressed
because somebody
shamed us, abandoned us,
or perhaps silenced us
with a cruel word,
a thoughtless deed,
and said or just implied
we were not good enough,
and tragically
we believed them?
Let this be the moment
we choose to believe them no more...
and sing, sing, sing.
– Dick Innes

today i went to the sistic outlet at raffles city with the intention of purchasing tickets for 'the pickle king' to watch with steph and kexi. i went to the basement of raffles city to withdraw money so as to pay for the tickets, then i went to the sistic counter. Instead of seeing a human being behind the counter, i saw a human being in front of the counter looking at the available brochures, as well as a sign on the counter stating the opening hours. i was there at 8.24pm and they closed at 8pm.
thus, i went to toa payoh and was thinking if i should catch the movie 'the illusionist'. i decided that i will watch the movie only if there's a showing at 9+pm and i could catch it in time. i shall not watch any other movies. upon depositing some money into my bank account, i proceeded to the entertainment center. saw a newly opened beads shop selling you-know-what and went up to look at the movie timings.
i couldn't find 'the illusionist' at all :(
After which, i decided that i'll use the time to stock up on food in my house just in case i get hungry. walked past lots of shops with selling clothes and walked past lots of food. One glance and i walked away. clothes and food didn't hold much appeal for me tonight. went to the supermarket, walked around and i realised that nothing in the supermarket held any appeal for me either. pasta, instant noodles, instant porridge, facial wash, chocolates, dars chocolates, old jamaican, chips, even mashed potato...
went to popular instead. that's where my interest started to pipe up. went to get art materials to do some stuff. in the end, i spent more money on the art supplies than money that could have been spent on the movie ticket:S
but i realised something:) i realised that i get quite excited if what i'm doing is for somebody else, rather than for me. or even in the case of what i'm getting. i'm happy when i'm buying stuff for someone else, but i'm not that happy when i'm buying stuff for myself:)
and of course, i was quite delighted when i figured it out=]

As of today, it's our last service together as a cg. In a way, i'm glad 'cos it means that the cg will be smaller in the future, which means that it's cosier and people will be able to form deeper relationships with each other. it also means that the careleader won't be so taxed (i hope. haha)
on the other hand, still sad 'cos it's the last cg. well. i've changed my careleader for 6 times before. this shall be the 7th! nice number. haha.

Going to school by 9 or 10am everyday for 5 days in a row is taking its toll on me. I start to feel sleepy at around 12+ (which isn't very effective considering that i usually only reach home at 10+pm) and though i do my best to sleep sufficiently per day (around 7 hours), it doesn't seem to work! I feel more lethargic and unmotivated during the day. hahaa. How i wish i can shift my timetable back by 2 hours. i feel more energetic sleeping at 3 and waking up at 10am. blah. hahaa.
watashi wa tottemo nemui desu.
Went to watch Pan's Labyrinth today:) Think i had a high expectation of it and Pan's kinda didn't meet my expectations. It could be that i was expecting something, and it gave me something else:) I love the music though. And the cinematography. And the smoothness in-between shots. So beautifully weaved together. Was hoping for more of the fantasy part. haha. but it has more of the war elements. ah well :)
Kind of reminds me of people. Like how we have certain expectations of different people, and when people don't fulfill the expectations, we get disappointed. The thing is, people are variables and they're all uniquely themselves... they're not puppets who are always the same throughout. Don't assume you know the person totally. you don't :) By denying a chance for a person to express this change in his behaviour, thoughts, control in emotions etc, that's like denying the fact that human beings are mouldable and can change for the better or worse. Everything is possible with God. Only God sees the person's true emotions, thoughts and actions. only God is constant in His character. Of course, we do our best to get to know each other deeper as well:)

i'm constantly amazed by the reality of bible in everyone's everyday life - from studies to business.. it applies so vividly=] it's just whether we let our pride get in the way of learning from the Word of God. if indeed it is the Word of God, then we should really look to the Word and to God and stop looking at ourselves. here's something i got in today's daily mailing list i get=]
------------
"Let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'."

I'm sure you know some people who won't take no for an answer. They're boundary busters who have no respect for other people's personhood.
Healthy boundaries are to protect ourselves from toxic people, from controlling and manipulating people, from con artists, from abusive people, from people who can hurt or use us for their own ends, and so on.
External boundaries are needed to protect our physical well-being. Nobody has a right to come into our space, get into our face, or touch us without our permission.
Internal boundaries are to protect our feelings. Nobody can upset us, hurt our feelings, make us feel guilty, ashamed, afraid, or angry without our permission. This is why we need good internal boundaries.
Boundaries are not walls. Boundaries allow the people in that we want close to us. Walls shut everybody out. Boundaries are also needed to contain our own "badness" so we don't hurt others.
Without healthy boundaries, people will walk over us, use us, or abuse us and we will end up feeling angry, upset, hurt, and maybe even wallow in self-pity. What other people do is their responsibility. What we allow them to do to us is our responsibility. This is why we need healthy boundaries without which it is impossible to recover, grow, and live meaningfully.
Furthermore, without the freedom to say no our yeses are meaningless.
Read the life of Jesus in the gospels for a good example of healthy boundaries. Nobody ever controlled, manipulated, or did anything to Jesus without his permission—including his parents once he became a young man.

Koped this from jitsy's blog! did this before, but ah well. just a short and quick one! Instructions from jit's blog:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to question even if it doesn't make any sense.
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.
--------------------------------------
1. How are you feeling today?
'Don't pass me by' - Planetshakers.
- my heart it longs, my soul it thirsts for more, for more of You, 'cos all i want is You and all i need is You be with here with me-

2. Will you get far in life?
'From this moment' - Shania Twain.
eh. okay? haha. - from this moment, life has begun?- Everyday is a new day with God. lol=]

3. How do your friends see you?
'One sided love' - Mandy Moore
Wah. so sad. one sided love from me or from them? LOL.

4. Will you get married?
'Choice of gentleness' - S.E.N.S
it's not even a song. hahaa. what does a choice of gentleness mean? O.o Maybe it means i'll look for a 'yasashi (gentle)' husband! cough. or i choose to be gentle on myself. lalala. such nonsense in 3 mins of typing.

5. What's your best friend's theme song?
'Yellow Submarine' - beatles
hahaha? hahaha. yay! my friend will have a yellow submarine! or she loves yellow submarine. and she lives beneath the waves! woohoo.

6. What's the story of your life?
'This is who i am' - Michael learns to rock.
whahaha. yes. my story is about who i am =] don't keep me in a frame and not give me room to grow. keke.
- this is who i am, a part of me that you don't understand
and i love you still, i'm only riding through the hills-

7. What was high school like?
'Leaving 99' - Audio Adrenaline
1999 was the year we met together in high school=] haha. May we not leave behind each other as we leave 1999 long behind us.

8. How can you get ahead in life?
'You're my God' - Jaci Valesquez.
Amen. Get ahead in my life by knowing who heads your life:)

9. What's the best thing about your friends?
'Stronger than' - Hillsong
I have strong friends!

10. What's in store for this weekend?
'Meng na li sha de yan lei'
boohoo. tears for this weekend. =(

11. What song describes you?
'Words' - The Bee Gees
i didn't even know i have this song. i guess i like to use words to express. so . erm. haha. oh well.

12. What song describes your grandparents?
'From Paris to Berlin' - Infernal
No idea how to connect. hahaa. i have no grandparents. they're all dead:S

13. How is your life going?
'I can't read you' - Daniel Bedingfield.
hehe. i can't read myself sometimes either=]

14. What song will they play at your funeral?
'Hen hao' - Sun Yan Zi.
WAH. SO SAD. =( they'll play 'very good' at my funeral. wonderful. i'm thrilled.

15. How does the world see you?
'I wanna hold your hand' - Beatles
You wanna hold my hand? LOL. the world sees me as someone to hold the hand of? O.o how odd.

16. What do your friends really think of you?
'He will carry me' - Mark Schultz
They all understand that God will carry me throughout everything i go through? how sweet and insightful=]

17. Do people secretly lust after you?
'Yong yuan' - Sun Yan Zi
how come i forever has super weird answers to the questions? People are forever secretly lusting after me. LOL!

18. How can you make yourself happy?
'Be the centre' - Brian Doerkson
I take it that it's asking God to be the centre of my life, since it's a worship song=] ownself being center is just being egocentric. prideful. big no good.
- Jesus, be the centre
be my source, be my life, Jesus-

19. What should you do with your life?
'Wham - last christmas'
so i should celebrate christmas everyday? =)

20. Will you ever have children?
'Love In. Song' -S.E.N.S
so this means? hahahaha.

life. is. very. unexpected.

yesterday, i learnt that a brother's grandfather has passed away.
today, my sister fell while she's running and was sent to tan tock seng 'cos she bled a lot.
today, i learnt that a sister's father just passed away.

life is short, pray hard.
life is short, treasure the right things.
life is short, know where you're going for eternity.

I do not know where to start. It's a strange topic to be blogging about, yet it has been a recurrent topic that popped into my mind and conversations i have with various people these days. I have various thoughts on it, yet i confess that my thoughts will barely touch the fringe of the depth of the emotions and confusion people have. The emotional turmoil, the forbidden thoughts, the various reasons, the constant yearning that accompanies. i can but scratch the surface. yet do not judge me, for my thoughts are my own. and who is great enough to be able to judge another fellow human being's thoughts?
Homosexuality is an issue that's long debated. I feel it is anyway. As i became a Christian in jc1, it's something which i had to learn to grapple with and reconcile in the light of knowing Jesus. To find out Christ's stand on this issue. I learnt that Christ hates the sin, but loves the sinner. So Christ loves me, but hates the fact that this sin was holding me down. I know that God loves me. And it was my choice to honour Him or not to. I chose to honour Him.
It will be a lie to say that once i've decided to do so, everything went smoothly. There are times when i struggled with it, especially when i loved another. There are times whereby i want to just give in to my thoughts and yearning. There are times whereby i wonder why it is wrong to love another girl, and i seeked answers that complimented what i wanted. There are times whereby i wonder if the church is being too strict. Times when i silently wished that God will just forgive me on this and let me pass. Times when the hurt becomes so great, the denial so strong, that i could not do anything much, except to pray that one day, the feelings will pass. It felt futile, yearning for a relationship which will never happen. i felt torn.
God is always faithful. It's not a statement that is said just because I'm a Christian. It's a truth i've experienced in my life and will continue to experience. the times when i felt so lost and confused, He reminded me of who He is. He reminded me that He showed Himself real to me even when i was an anti-christ, that i am unable to deny His existence because His presence was so real it felt like there was only me and Him and everyone else was far away. He reminded me of His greatness in my life. It's no longer the question of liking a guy or a girl. it's the question of whether i trust that He will bring me through in this. It's a question of loving God and trusting God for what He will bring me to. it is a matter of living my life to love Him back, to honour Him and to know Him.
A constant choice of yielding to God rather than yielding to your emotions and heart desires. For our heart deceives.I wanted this post to be something thereotical in nature. A post interspersed with verses which guide us back to His Word.. but somehow i guess it's turning out to be otherwise.
And i wonder how many people actually struggled with the same thing i struggled with (it took a long time, but i've overcome it). Seems like most of my friends don't continually or have never even struggled with this before. But i hope that one day, should there be anyone who is out there pondering over this issue, or going through it yourself, remember that another human being on earth has had similar struggles to you. she has done lots of things before too - being a member of the lgb community, confessed her love to the girl she likes, nearly committed suicide 'cos of this... remember that there's someone called Jesus who loves you greater. accepts you unconditionally as who you are and His love will fill your heart as you learn to step out from this sin. For it is a sin, no less.

'"Haven't you read,'he replied, 'that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female', and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not seperate."'(Matthew 19:4-6)

Some song lyrics that struck me deeply even when i'm typing this entry:
-Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands-

-You are my strength when i am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my all in all-

love that surrounds
ties that bind
things to be found
things left behind
---
a change.
a sunflower given.
a song danced to.
with sorrow in heart.
antipation. fear. trepidation.
fixed in the box of old mindsets.
fixed in the title.
fixed in former doings.
- forming.
a change.
a new shepherd.
confusion. doubt. anger.
a denial to acknowledge.
a denial to God's soverignty.
trashing-outs and tears.
munchie monkey's and mos burger.
a new shepherd?
no.
pls accept me for who i am.
i am willing to learn.
- storming.
a new year.
acceptance.
a new responsibility.
questions. uneasiness. laidback.
struggles.
growth in opening up.
growth in helping others open up.
gladness.
holy spirit bap. water bap. membership.
a sheep. a friend.
- norming.
additions.
more responsibilities.
more. more. more.
learning to cope.
increase capacity. increase capability.
increase in patience and diligence.
enjoying your presence. enjoying his presence.
enjoying His presence.
joyful discussion.
fatigue that ends in delight.
- performing.

a new year.
reluctance.
a heart soaked with water that can't dry.
soon it will overflow.

to rest.

Happy new year! haha. it's 2007! so fast. my goodness gracious me. The troubles of y2k bug is still lingering in one of the lobes in my head (i can't recall which one:D) haha.
I've had quite an interesting day yesterday, so i guess i would take the time to laboriously (is it spelt this way? looks kinda strange. anyway, whether penning down is considered as something that's 'laboriously' done will probably be subjective to each person) type down what i did in the past day! And all my ardent readers can have a glimpse into my ever-so-exciting life! (what flair. what fluency. what nonsense that sprung out of the typing from a person who didn't sleep the whole night - i beg your pardon... morning.)
Anyway, I spent the last day of 2006 with my caregroup people:) We went to jinlu's house first for jiaozi and dinner and more jiaozi and dinner and lots of photos and sharing. haha=] It was a really good time (hontoni hontoni good time) at jinlu's house 'cos it was the first time we went to the house and it was a time whereby we could all sit down and think deeper into our lives. Not forgetting the fact that jinlu and her mum made LOTS of jiaozis for us. haha. After that, we went over to woodlands to find zhichun and the woodlands countdown. haha. It was super noisy. ah. haha. We went to zhichun's house after that. Really thank God for zhichun and her parents' hospitality. haha. think we imposed quite a lot on them :S
We shared more, then watched two movies (Singapore Dreaming, as well as Rob-B-Hood) By the time the movies ended, some people were asleep, leaving some of us awake to play... Taboo! haha. Actually it was just me, zhenzhong and zhichun playing taboo. Then some of the sisters and brothers woke up, ate breakfast and left (??? haha. it was relatively fuzzy to me.. 'cos i was playing some card game at that moment). then aiwei joined us for the card game! haha. then i went to take a nap at ard 12+ (?) and joined them for cluedo at around 1? haha. ah well. details details details.
I enjoyed the time! haha. guess that pretty much summarizes everything i've to say =]

Anyway, i've finished watching all the 26 episodes of 'Fruits Basket' :) For those who've read the manga (i've not), fear not! For the anime is as clean as can be. hahaha. no nothing except for clean anime. it's probably rated as G or PG. so yes. gotta explain just in case some people get the wrong impression and think that i'm watching funny r-rated stuff or things that go along those lines =]
it's a mild anime.
it's about this girl called honda tohru, and she's a girl who's optimistic. genki des. and her mum died recently, so she ended up with the sohma family. the sohma family people are relatively jaded 'cos of some of them are cursed with the spirit of the zodiac signs (chinese ones.. like cow and wat nots). so, whenever someone of the opposite gender hugs them (intentionally or non-intentionally) they turn into their zodiac animals. haha. funny. it's about how tohru changed their mindsets towards things and themselves through the things she does and words she says.
Two things struck me when i was watching the anime:
1) Words really can make or break a person. Whatever we say can really affect another person and subsequently affect the kingdom of God. Be a person who builds others, not break others. For at the end of the day, we've gotta account back to God about all things, including how we used our speech.
2) It's always easy to doubt people. The strength lies in believing. I've always made the choice to see the hope in people. The future person that lies ahead under the moulding of Jesus. To see what lies ahead and not what's in front of you, it's not easy. but if it's easy, then what's the use in doing it? :) Believe in the potential of others, through the eyes of Christ (that's what i believe in).

yup. so. that's all=] haha. i'm moving back to tsubasa. finishing it before i move on to Mai Hime (no idea what it's about though.) hehe. Oh. I've finished fullmetal alchemist too. it's good. watch it.

-You dance over me
While i am unaware
You sing all around
but i never hear the sound
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me-

today, me and jits and qing and yingxin and huiyuan and guan and isobel and joanne met at Minds' Cafe:) i haven't seen joanne since i don't know when, but it doesn't matter. For when we meet, there the bond is connected once again. no funny awkward silence. no funny awkward don't-kn0w-what-to-do with each other. guess we've passed that stage long time ago.
sometimes i wonder why God gave me such good people in my life. People like Liling who still remember me from kindergarten, people like kimhong (primary sch friend) who, though we don't keep in touch anymore, still remain in my mind as a gentle friend whose presence i'm comfortable with, people like xavier and hannah and lynnette in primary school, with whom i spent the time with, with whom i had stupid fun with; people like the nygeppers who grew up together with me (from teenage years) and we're still keeping in touch with (sometimes. haha); people like steph, dancing, lydia, corinne they all who kept me sane in the jc years, people like cindy, enzio, jasmine, deryuan, liwen they all who are as unique as can be. people like my church brothers and sisters who watched me grow in the Lord and loved me even as they see my weaknesses and ugly sides.
with a sentimental note and a truly grateful heart, i say thank you. and sorry for inadequate human efforts in keeping up with the friendships.
Sumimasen. and arigatou.

i've just finished watching the 26th episode of Chobits.. there's technically one more episode (27th) before the whole series ends.. but i suppose 26th to me is like the last one 'cos it had the answers to everything and it's an end in itself.
Chobits is about this persocom (person-computer... or in japanese, literally means computer). it depicts a world with computers which are human-like. Human-like, but not human. anyway, it's about this guy called Hideki Motosuwa who came from a rural Japan to the urban Japan to get into university... but because he didn't pass the entry exams, he goes to cram school to try again next year. He wishes that he has a persocom like most people, but persocoms are very expensive, so he couldn't afford one. It was when he was returning home and wishing he has a persocom that he actually found one by the roadside. The persocom he picked up could only say 'Chiii..' but is a really kawaii looking one. haha.
Anyway, the story is sort of like a journey for the people around Motosuwa and himself to find out about Chi's real identity, as well as to find out more about Chi as well. Chi belongs to the Chobits series who have emotions and can act on their own accord, without the programs (for most other persocoms, they have installed programmes to tell them how to react.) Chi is also on the journey of finding the only person for her. The episode i just watched is SUPER SAD. hehe. it's the only sad episode in the whole series.. 'cos the rest of the episodes are quite funny.
it's a series intended for a male audience 18 and above, but i guess Chobits will appeal to most people, once you overlook some of the mild sexual references in the show :P amyway, they decrease as the show continues.
=)
today is sunday, and sunday's a day of rest. it was really a rest day for me. i woke up quite late 'cos of last night. ohohoh. let me share wat happened yesterday! we went on a food and run trip.. basically we went to different places to makan. haha. we went to upper thomson, then to chomp chomp, then to bedok market and last of all down to esplanade to end off. haha. it was an interesting session and time. enjoyed the enthusiasm and the good food. speaking of which, i'm quite hungry now. lol.
read 'the player' by michael tolkin before i realised that i've watched the film in my 'reading film and cultural texts' module before. LOL. it added depth though, to watch both the film and read the book =]
then i planned out my week. keke. and gatherings. keke. and anime. keke. and tv. about santa claus have to find a wife before xmas eve. LOL.
intriguing day=]

hahahaha. i got a C for my forensic science test. and a A- for my forensic term paper. The sad thing is, the test has a higher percentage than the term paper. LOL.

My delight in anime has brought me to uncover not so delightful stuff in anime. One of it is the element of yaoi (males liking males) in some of the anime.. (e.g. Cardcaptor Sakura). The thing about yaoi is that it can be relatively clean, or relatively unclean. And guess what? they're drawn by females, intended for a FEMALE AUDIENCE. dunno whether to faint or laugh.
CLAMP series :( so sad.
thankfully xxxHOLIC is relatively clean (it deals with addictions that kinda things, e.g. alco-holics, worka-holics.. u get the idea). And it didn't take much of watching of Chobits (also by CLAMP) before i realize that it's not very clean either (it's meant for audience 18+).
After you remove animes with funny elements, you'll realize you don't have much anime left to watch. LOL. Fullmetal alchemist is clean =] but i dun like things that deal too much with mecca (e.g. machines). I'm gonna try watching vision of Escaflowne soon.. i believe it's another clean anime. haha.
OH. The sad thing is that some of the other anime has great plots. And i hate to give up anything with great plots. Was a slight struggle between sinning and watching a certain yaoi anime with a great plot. (confession time. haha)
Anyway, i chose the latter. My choices has an eternal repercussion.. and i don't want to make a wrong choice.
hai! hai!
one man can change the world!
hai!

This is the day that the Lord has made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Amen!

I've had some people asking me how i can be so joyful each day. It's not by my own strength that I'm joyful in the day. And i'm certainly not joyful everyday. Sometimes i let my burdens overwhelm me. Sometimes i allowed my thoughts to bind me up. Sometimes i succumbed to the pressures around me.
But there are many other times when i remember of God's assurance that He is always with me, He is holding my right hand. There are times when i remember of God's character and i put my trust in Him despite what happens. There are times when i was so downcast, yet God sent His people to me. There are times when i simply knew that God is comforting me.
Peace that transcends all understanding. Peace that guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Times when i look to Jesus and i see the potential in the people around me. Times when i see the hope in the future He holds for me. These are the things that allow me to know that even as I have things that are obstacles in front of me, there's a greater joy that lies in wait for me in the future as i overcome the obstacles with Him.
-it is Your grace
Your tender mercy
it is Your presence in my life
that satisfies-
And there are yet other times whereby i take hold of the little surprises the world holds for me and become satisfied by them.
Like today. I came out of the mrt and saw Carrie and her cg people. Then someone who looked familiar said hi... Strange thing is. I don't know him :) He remembered my name though. amazing.
Btw, he's my kindergarten school friend. A guy called Liling. haha.
He's amazing. He remembered most of the kindergarten school people. I only remember Cailin and Shimin. He remembered something Liang, some guy with a surname of Boo, some funny guy name, the adam and eve of the graduation play (i didn't even remember there was a graduation play :)and some other people. I was stunned. Seriously. Quite cool to meet him again after so long though. Got his number =] He's a Christian at SengKang Methodist Church... which was the church of my kindergarten. haha.
yea. a nice surprise tonight=]

Everything comes to a choice once again :)
I believe in choices. and i believe that everyone has a choice about things.
Every morning i come face to face with the choice of looking towards the day, or being wary of it.
Every night i have to make a decision about the things to do, what to focus on and when to stop (i.e. go to sleep).
Nowadays i struggle with the choice of whether to be defiant, to run away or to face what's ahead.
And even as i struggle with this choice, more unexpected things come my way.
I was evaluating when I was showering about the usual two choices people have. Then i realised that there're three outcomes that can come out of the news i just received.
1) I can be angry about it =)
2) I can be downcast due to it and let it get to me. Cause me to form the thought of never being able to succeed in this area =)
3) I can acknowledge it. Understand that it's something I'll need to be more careful with in the future, and learn from it =)

I choose the third. not because it's the 'right' thing to do (indeed, in this world that values relativity so much, people don't think there're right or wrong things to do).
Indeed, if you look at the choices... it's a matter of which is the best choice to make. And this is evaluated through the consequences that follow your decision =)
...

May i internalize the things i learn each day :)

Jesus, Lover of My Soul

Jesus, lover of my soul
All consuming fire is in Your gaze
Jesus, I want You to know
I will follow You all my days

For no one else in history is like You
And history itself belongs to You
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
And I will spend eternity with You

It's all about You, Jesus
And all these is for You,
For Your glory and Your name
It's not about me
As if You would do things my way
You alone are God
and I surrender
to Your ways.

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-And everything within me cries
'Adore adore adore
Jesus I adore You'-

I'm so sleepy. woke up at 8am and got out of house at 8.07am. record time of going to the toilet, brushing my teeth, changing, packing, combing my hair, opening the doors and going out. lol.
In this exam period, NUSA has a 'YOU' ministry.. and apparently their slogan is 'it's all about you!' haha. so funny. their first activity was to have the angel/mortal game. each of us had to randomly pick one love and one joy mortal to bless and encourage and each of us have one love and joy angel to encourage us as well. haha. My love and joy angels have been relatively amusing people=)
My joy angel started blessing me first. First he gave me chillified tapioca chips, then he gave me kinder bueno. lol. quite sweet to give me food.. whahha. My love angel gave me a mango she took back from her own mango tree. WHAHA.
Quite encouraged and quite nice to have angels and mortals in this time of exams. reminds us that exams ain't the only thing in the world ('cos people tend to be overwhelemed by exams during this period and choose to coop themselves up)... to look outwards and upwards rather than always looking inwards :) 'cos ultimately, for the rest of our lives, results ain't gonna determine the quality of our life much :)

You are my hero - Dennis Jernigan

I've seen you stand alone and face the fight
When others laid their weapons down
And headed for home
I've seen you face the fire and come out shining like gold,
And I want you to know...
I've seen you lay visions down for someone else
And give your life as a sacrifice, no fanfare around!
I've watched you weather storms that would have left others
drowned,
And this is what I've found:

You are my hero, my knight in shining armor
A warrior of God's grace, standing alone faithfully!
You are my hero, a light that pierces darkness
With love that's not afraid to fight for someone like me,
Encouraging me to stand firm and free!
You are my hero!

I've seen you look down the road and see beyond
The miles and head for truth in faith while bearing a load
I've heard your anguished cries for grace and watched joy
unfold,
And I want you to know:

You are my hero, my knight in shining armor
A warrior of God's grace, standing alone faithfully!
You are my hero, a light that pierces darkness
With love that's not afraid to fight for someone like me,
Encouraging me to stand firm and free!
You are my hero!

I've seen you face death with a deep burning faith
That stirs up the passion in me!
Your heart, like a fire, abounding in grace,
A beacon helping others to see; help set me free

For entertainment purposes, go to here xD

Contrary to popular belief, there has been no study supporting the 11pm-2am critical sleeping time rule. i don't how or why people came up with it... haha. strange sia.
The key to good and fruitful sleep lies in sleeping enough and according to ur inner circadian pattern. all of us have a circadian pattern.. which explains why all of us feel sleepy at different times during the day, as well as feel sleepy at different times in the night. We should actually go to sleep when our drowsiness takes a deep dip... 'cos that's the body signifying to us that it's the natural time to sleep. For myself, this deep dip comes at 1.30-2am.
If you find yourself tossing and turning on bed, with thoughts racing through your mind, you're recommended to sleep 3-6 hours later because YOU ARE SLEEPING TOO EARLY.
if however, you find yourself sleeping for a sufficient number of hours, yet still feel tired throughout the day, you should try going to sleep 3-6 hours earlier. the key to this is once again, know your own body. find the optimum time to sleep and you'll produce greater fruit in the day.
and please sleep at least 4 hrs or so.. you NEED the REM sleep.
for cited studies, go search yourself. i'm lazy to state it here.

As for today, xinying:

1) Is relatively caught up in japanese manga and anime (mainly works by CLAMP, e.g. xxxHOLIC, Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles and Death Note)

2) Is infatuated with Mokona! :D :D :D oh my lovely dearie mokona. how delightful are thy colours (one black, one white) how adoring is thy speech (e.g. puuuu~) how beautiful are thy eyes (two happy slits unless something happens XD --- if u wanna see a picture of the lovelie mokona, just type in mokona in google and go to images!)

3) Is supposed to finish a psychological scientific report by today 'cos tmr she is packed from 11am-10pm. xD

4) Has gone through a few emotional trials and testings.

5) Is thinking about how to build people up. People in her student ministry and people in her events finance ministry.

6) Was reminded of several fundamental truths which she kinda lost sight of earlier on due to too much focus on certain things. And she's glad she got reminded of the fundamentals =D

7) Is thinking of whether to really have a 21st birthday celebration. hmmm...

WHEN MUSTARD MET HONEY

Dijon mustard is sophisticated and a bit snooty. Honey is sweet and wild. Sparks fly when they meet... it's love at first sight. Honey mellows and softens mustard's sharp edge. Yes, we know, we're talking about potato chips here. But take a bite of these sweet, savory lovelies and you just might get obsessed. We are.
---------------------------------------------
I'm obsessed with these chips too! =D given to me by shuyi today, they brightened up my day:D of course, shuyi's thoughtful gesture brightened up my day much too! haha. 'cos today is a day with gloomy skies... and the 'chance' to walk from engine lt7 to HQ ... TWICE.
not forgetting the various smses and calls that came in from 8am onwards:S haha.

thanks shuyi!:D
and thank You God for sending shuyi with those lovelies! :D

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4682801.stm

: "Video games are always used as a scapegoat for concerns." (And i feel it's not just violence, but all kinds of concerns:P E.g. studies :P

http://fun.families.com/blog/the-benefits-of-games-for-children-and-a

: "The use of games for children and adults alike are a great way to improve a great number of mental and physical skills, and often bring with them a lot of significant benefits. Games have a far greater educational influence than most people are aware of." (I agree.)

http://giftedkids.about.com/od/booksandtoys/qt/videogames_tip.htm

: "One benefit of playing video games is that they teach strategy and decision-making skills, which are important skills to have in today's competitive world."
---------------

it's not the action of playing games that's bad. To me, playing games is a time whereby i exercise another part of my brain... especially the part where it deals with systematic solving...
it's the action of OVERPLAYING that's bad.
so next time you see me playing games, don't keep 'tsktsk-ing' at me. it's terribly annoying. and it just shows a lack of understanding and trust of the person i am.
Games are more important to me than just entertainment.

"For we are all members of one body."1

Xvxn though this typxwritxr is an old modxl, it works vxry wxll, xxcxpt for onx kxy. You'd think that with all thx othhxr kxys working, onx kxy would hardly bx noticxd. But just onx kxy out of whack sxxms to ruin thx wholx xffort.

Havx you xvxr said to yoursxlf, "I'm only onx pxrson. No onx will noticx if I don't do my bxst."

But it doxs makx a diffxrxncx, bxcausx to bx xffxctivx, a family, an organization, a church or a businxss nxxds complxtx participation by evxryonx to thx bxst of his or hxr ability.

So if you'rx having onx of thosx days whxn you think you just arxn't vxry important, and you'rx txmptxd to slack off, rxmxmbxr this old typxwritxr. You arx a kxy pxrson, and whxn you don't do your bxst, nothing xlsx around you works out thx way it is supposxd to.

-You got me dancing
and now i'm shouting
You got me leaping
and now i'm spinning Hallelujah
You're so good to me
So good to me
You're so good to me!-

in the aftermath of feeling irritated by small things that poked at me since morning. MULTIPLE small things that poked at me xD so exciting. hur.hur.

-Oh God You've been so good to me
everyday i wake up i breathe another breath of Your mercy-

[ haha. thank you for showing concern :) ]

do not use an accusatory voice when you want to correct someone. for if you do so, you'll only provoke the person. and if the person is not self-aware, you'll be leading the person to sin instead.
we correct in love. we correct to build the person up.
not to shift blame.
for by using an accusatory tone, what's the difference between a correction between sisters and brothers and the worldly correction?:P

"Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."

A four-hundred-year-old tree crashed to the forest floor. Over the centuries it had been struck by lightning fourteen times, braved great windstorms, and even defied an earthquake. In the end, however, it was killed by little beetles. Boring under the bark, they chewed away its mighty fibers until the giant of the forest lay broken on the ground.

Little things can either make us or break us. A little lie, a little theft, a little laziness, a little neglect, a little drink a little too often, a little sarcasm, a little denial here and a little there ... bit by bit we can add them all together and eventually hurt or destroy our relationships, our physical and/or mental health, and our walk with God.

On the other hand, a little smile, a little deed of kindness, a little encouraging word, a little thoughtful gift, a little phone call, a little bit of love given a lot of times every day can add up to a whole lot of sunshine that we can spread wherever we are and go—and in so doing encourage others, enhance our relationships, improve our physical and mental health, and please the heart of God.

"Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, 'Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,' it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, 'Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,' it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?"1

Today's Daily Encounter Lego illustration is by Steve Klusmeyer who writes:

"Life might be less complicated for all of us if we each received our own LEGO kit at birth. Yes, I realize there is a choking hazard for children under three. But when you are old enough, you can learn a lot from LEGOs. I have learned that:

"Size doesn't matter. When stepped on in the dark, a 2X2 LEGO brick causes the same amount of pain as a 2X8 brick.

"All LEGO men are created equal (1.5625 inches tall). What they become is limited only by imagination.

"There is strength in numbers. When the bricks stick together, great things can be accomplished.

"Playtime is important. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you are building, as long as you're having fun.

"Disaster happens. But the pieces can be put back together again.

"Every brick has a purpose. Some are made for a specific spot—most can adapt almost anywhere—but every one will fit somewhere.

"Color doesn't matter. A blue brick will fit in the same space as a red brick.

"No one is indispensable. If one brick is unavailable, another can take its place.

"It doesn't always turn out as planned. Sometimes it turns out better. If it doesn't, you can always try again."

-----------------
there're a lot of things i still dun understand:)
lack of understanding really does impede a lot of things. e.g. the relief in emotions, the soothing of soul, the unravelling of threads of thoughts.

-my tears gone cold i'm wondering why i
got out of bed at all
the morning rain clouds up my window
and i can't see at all
but even if i could it'll all be gray
but your picture on my wall
it reminds me that it's not so bad
it's not so bad-

-i'm living for the beauty of Your presence-

you should never tell someone something that's not confirmed. especially if it's a vision or the fulfillment of a hope. you can inspire, and suggest... but never give an estimated dateline. 'cos when the person has seized the vision as her own, waiting quietly for the day whereby it'll be fulfilled, and then realized that it won't happen, the hope crumbles. and everything else based on that hope crumbles as well.

-when You said seek Your face
my heart said Your face i will seek-

the sudden void at the ending... everything done leading to that void..

-holy worthy is the Lord
heaven declares Your righteousness-

it's a lesson learnt that only God's Word is the absolute truth. and only God's vision will truly come to pass.

-God of all creation, i worship You-

Saturate me - Mandy Moore

The desert I wander lacks in its mirage
There's no mistaking in the barrage
Of sand and wind that tears my skin
Leaving what's without exposing what's within

Forsaken, left here
In my barren desolate...

My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide

My days stretch long into the heat
As the sun brightens my defeat
My lips are chapped, they're parched and dry
My thirst it builds, with every day gone by....

Forsaken, left here
In my barren desolate...

My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide

The dunes that shift, drift and lift in the wind
Cover up my Hope, as I start to give in
To the cracks and creases and the dips in my will
As I am pushed toward the brink, I drink down and swill

My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Rain down on me with life
My soul is evaporating
Won't you saturate me, won't you saturate me
Storm around me, bring the tide

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you."1

Fear is unquestionably a problem common to all. Somebody has said that there are 365 "fear nots" in the Bible—one for every day of the year!

Healthy fear is a God-given emotion. Without it we would get into all sorts of dangerous situations. We rightly fear, or should fear, driving through a red light or walking alone at night (or in broad daylight) in a dangerous area. If we don't, we're out of touch with reality.

The fears that give us problems are those that cause anxiety, sleepless nights, give us ulcers, cause us to fail in our relationships and in our work, etc., etc.

On the surface these fears may seem to be irrational. Usually they're not in the sense that they have their roots in past frightening or traumatic experiences. Even a dog, if it has been abused by a human in the past, will be afraid of humans. So will people.

So how do we overcome our fears?

First, like David, we need to trust in the Lord and seek his guidance to find the help we need to resolve our fears.

Second, if our fear is caused by a traumatic experience in childhood or in the past, very often skilled therapy is needed so the root cause can be resolved and trust restored.

Whether God heals us directly or through a counselor doesn't matter. The important thing is that we choose to trust God and ask him to give us the courage to face our fears-and lead us to the help we need to overcome them. As King David said, "When I am afraid, I will trust in you."

When I am afraid, I keep quoting David who also said, "The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do unto me?"2

May our trust be stronger than our doubts and our love greater than our fears—for the God who brought us this far will not desert us now.

love is patient
love is kind
it does not envy
it does not boast
it is not proud
love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth
it always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres

always.

i'm taking a break from compiling and editting the slides for my group presentation this friday:) haha.
i dun like discrimination. i dun like racism. i dun like sexism. especially sexism. i dun like age-ism too. the idea that just because you're younger, you know less.
lol.
the holocaust is really scary :S
very saddening too. watched this video whereby it shows the release of the jews from the concentration camps... then the last part showed a machine just shovelling piles of human bodies down into the soil. damn sad.
it's as though humans are not worthwhile at all. no worth to human life.
the issue of the fragility of human life comes back to haunt us again and again.
during forensic science lecture, our lecturer showed us slides after slides of crimes, of testing of stains, and of human bodies. fragments, if i may say, of human bodies. lots and lots of them. especially what was shown in the tsunami photo. or bombings... whereby only the head, the body (without the limbs) and part of the hip is left.
the thing about us human beings is that we always choose to think that death is far away. it's not. i'm not being morbid or pessimistic here..but seriously, the question to ask (that i've been asked a few years ago), is the question of 'would you ever know today, that you are going to die tomorrow?'
and in dying. where do you go?

for all those who do not yet know.
search for 'nus love story' on youtube :)
source supplied by jan. i think. or is it weiling.
can't remember ^^

i have lots of thoughts in my mind.. been having lots of whirling thoughts since last night. very bogged down by certain things. certain things which i don't understand (and still don't, and will never understand. haha). quite stupid hor, to think about things which you will never be able to fathom 'cos of my finite understanding.
i've never had grandparents. or rather, when i was born, only my grandmother was left in the world, and i can't pretty much remember her very well 'cos she died when i was in primary 2.
so i guess in a sense, i might not be able to fully understand the grief that comes when a family member is very ill or dies. i can only pray.
bothered by certain negative thoughts i have. hahaa. it's very stupid when you know they're negative thoughts, yet you're still bogged down by then.. 'cos looking at the situation, it seems as though the negative thoughts are right.
but God works for the best of those who love Him.
ah.
haha.
don't know why i always struggle with understanding.
understanding and the need to know. gracious. strength and weakness.
alamak.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
last week we had a new sister called aiwei =]
this week we have a new sister called zhichun =]

thank God for the two of them for taking the step of faith to receive Christ!
thank God for God for touching their hearts!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

marcus' blog has a picture of me and jit's newb party! HAHAHA. i can't save it from his blog. so i've gotta refer everyone else to his blog. so exciting. haha.
still remember that when i first knew that we're gonna be transferring to youth from pretertiary, i was the first one to cry :P then huichun cried. oops.
we transferred on the 30th of january if i'm not wrong. it's either 30th or the first week of february. and youth had a special service on that day. and that's the day i got my first followuppee. HAHAHA.
i missed pte terribly. heh. but now everyone's in different places, doing different things. some of the brothers and sisters are still here. some have left. and some are going from glory to glory.
same as the youth sisters and brothers. some have left. some are still here. and some are going from glory to glory.

3 years, 6 months, around 14 days and still counting :)

I am typing out a blogger post because i have become incapable of forming a professional sounding statement. i am doing my forensic science term paper which seems stuck at the first page and refuse to budge from there. it's 3.29am in the morning and i have my term paper to finish, as well as thinking up food for thoughts for my social psy project... which everyone has not finished either but no one seems to want to change the timing. i think i'm gonna be very stoned tmr at the project meeting (at 9am???) and very stoned for developmental psychology lecture too. which is actually quite a pity 'cos you need to be relatively alert for developmental psy lecture so that you can understand what's going on. yeah.
i am not exactly feeling very tired, but neither am i feeling very alert. i am in that drowsy state of mind whereby my brain is just working on automatic mode, barely enough for me to survive. at least my eyes are not burning. if they are, i'll feel like taking them out, dipping them in water, washing them, then putting them back in again. what a pity that we can't do that. will probably solve a lot of eye fatigue problems or whatnots.
as a followup from my previous post, i went for a swim. haha. saw this guy wearing a formal shirt and pants going into the swimming complex when i was about to go in. was quite intrigued 'cos i thought one'll probably be going for work rather than going for a swim in that type of clothes.
swimming was good. an overly friendly lifeguard scared me by happily suggesting that i put my bag in the smaller locker rather than the bigger one to save money. other than that, the weather is good, the water is blue and there's just one more free lane for me to use. haha. went into the water, stretched for like 10 seconds, then off i go.
first half lap was tiring. 'cos arms not used to flinging water out of my way once again, and arms felt tired after just a half lap. (from one side of the pool, across the length to another side, is considered as half a lap). yea. then i was resting for a while at the other side and peering around when i saw a couple kissing in the middle pool. faint. so i got diaoded slightly and went on with my swim.
it's slightly pressurizing swimming back to the side of the pool where the lifeguards are. 'cos they're constantly watching the pool, and sometimes you start to wonder if they're evaluating your swimming strokes as well. the spotlight effect. haha. then i was thinking if i can do a social psychology experiment on the pple in the pool in the future.. perhaps something abt awareness of lifeguards improving performance in water or something? the term 'real or imagined presence of others' kept coming to mind. it was lap after lap until 6.5 lap, when i took another rest. then going on to 10th lap... by then, the rhythm is there and you just keep going on and on and on and on and on. and on. and on.
hair got super tangly after swimming. and i forgot to bring shampoo. haha.
then it was lunch! or breakfast. haha.
i went home with the intention of repacking my bag to go to school. but i lay on my bed, took a deep breath in and happily fell asleep.

:)

-when the night has come
and the land is dark
and the moon is the only light we'll see
no i won't be afraid
no i won't be afraid
just as long as you stand
stand by me-

listening to vocaluptuous once again. hahaa. shall go and bathe to wake myself up.
good morning :)

for a few weeks now, swimming has been on my mind. first it was the 'obstacle' of not having goggles, which i happily obtained last week. then it's the task of finding a time to go swimming in the midst of the things to do. haha. been wanting to go in the morning but it seems as though my body will rather take that time to rest (the luxury of resting without waking up at 8am) than to wake up and take a bus to the pool, swim and return back.
wanted to swim this morning but didn't wake up. HAHAHA. so now it's the afternoon. and i have made up my mind to still go swimming though it's the afternoon. the sky's good to me. it's nice and cloudy, not too hot and just a nice weather to swim in. so exciting. swimming is exciting to me 'cos it's one of the few sports i'll rather be doing myself. and i enjoy it. haha.

i can only imagine :)

these days i've been looking to the future and feeling tired. two things occupying my mind. future and fatigue. haha. my future is in God's hands 'cos He's already ahead of me in whatever situation i'm in. fatigue 'cos of the things to do. yet having an inward unbubbly excitement to see what're the exact events that'll lead to the future. i'm excited. i'm faithfilled. and i'm tired. haha. physically tired. not spiritually tired, but slightly weary.
amused and amazed at the workings of God in the caregroup. amused at the interesting ratio of sisters to brothers in the group and amazed at the pple God is sending in. and slightly apprehensive.. apprehensive of future problems. haha. the 3 months problem for nbs.
to always come back to the core of doing things. slight fear in not remembering that. haha.

"If your gift is to encourage others, do it! If you have money, share it generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly. Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy in your work, but serve the Lord enthusiastically."1

Marshall Field, quoted in "Predictions & Prescriptions" newsletter, gives twelve points to remember for successful living:

1. The value of time
2. The success of perseverance
3. The pleasure of working
4. The dignity of simplicity
5. The worth of character
6. The power of kindness
7. The influence of example
8. The obligation of duty
9. The wisdom of economy
10. The virtue of patience
11. The improvement of talent
12. The joy of originating

In a nutshell, the best advice for successful living: Be kind, be diligent, do good, model Christian living, and above all love one another. And over all the above, don't forget God.

My tuition kid-one of them anyway... My last day with him today:-( hope he scores well in his psle:)

Seeing that this week is term paper cum term testS (for emphasis) week, i've decided to get more lighthearted stuff from the esplanade library! haha.
Catalouge for this week (DVDs):
1) The Sword in the stone (cartoon)
2) The Spongebob Squarepants Movie (cartoon)
3) Matilda (not cartoon:D)

as to why i only have 3 DVDs, it's 'cos of the fact that i left the disc of The Age of Innocence in my laptop and returned the DVD without the disc. HAHAHA. oh well. now i've got an one day fine. sadness :(

Pastor Dinah recalled for us a very fundamental and important truth today:) That the key to unity is SELF. dying to self.
it's a very basic concept... yet one that is once again, easy to say, but hard to do. in the world where people puts themselves over other things, it's hard, really, to die to yourself.. people have the tendency to want things done THEIR way, and when things ain't done THEIR way, they're blinded by their 'self righteousness' and that's when emotions start to get stirred up, that's when disunity happens. it's hard to die to self 'cos dying to self means for us to lay our pride aside. and seriously speaking, won't most people, if not everyone, naturally want to hold on to that pride inside us? even when somehow or another, we know that it's wrong to be proud? for some people, they might not even realize that they've pride in their hearts.
humility is so much to the key to being successful in life. being humble enough to want to change. humble enough to learn from everyone around you, for there's always room for growth. humility is like a value that's not highly regarded in the world anymore... viewed as a sign of weakness. it's as if being humble will cause you to lose out in the world. should we then say that the world is right in this? no. for if that's how things are intended to be, if the world is doing the right things in general, then WHY is this world, for the lack of words, so screwed up?:)
ah. i digress:)
Was really refreshed today by pastor ben and pastor dinah's sharings:) so much on the core values... the SIMPLE core values... yet so important. as we grow in our spiritual walk with God, and even as we grow as a human being in the world, so much of the core values we've laid aside for the peripheral... we've become so concerned with the doing on the outside, that we've forgotten to evaluate what's on the inside of us. i remember alan asking this question... if one day, everything we have (our deeds, characters...) is put into a bowl and put under the testing of fire... will we still have anything left in the bowl?
i asked myself. what will be in the bowl. what sort of things will be in the bowl? the character of the person? the things i've done? volunteer work? i don't have an answer... haha. sorry about it. but i can only figure out that what is left in the bowl has to be something that withstands the test of time, till eternity. that withstands the test of man, without fault. withstand the test of deeds, beyond self.
think this is a question we can all ask ourselves, for an honest evaluation of ourselves thus far. is there anything in my life which can last till eternity, is blameless and without fault and is greater than myself?
i wonder.

Watching law and order heighened my awareness to the examples they used in the series itself.. so very linked to many examples given by the social psy textbook, so very demonstrative of the theories and research findings of the social psy field. amazing.

Ever since i've got my premium membership from NLB, i've wanted to go to esplanade library to explore.. to see what i can borrow, and what there is to be borrowed. haha. very amazed at the range of topics and coverage the NLB has to offer. Even more amazed (and amused) and the dvd collection the library@esplanade possesses. They have dvds ranging from the older (eg.Agatha Christie mysteries in dvds) to the younger (eg. Lord of the Rings Series). They have television series such as Buffy, Charmed, Law and Order... They have literature films such as Adam's Rib. I was totally amused to see Adam's Rib as part of their collection... it's an old movie for my lit module last sem which i totally enjoyed:D
I've borrowed 3 dvds previously.. namely 'All dogs go to heaven', 'The Addams Family', as well as the Agatha Christie mystery titled as 'The 7 dials'... Went back to the library today at night, reaching esplanade 20 mins after 8, 40 mins before the library closes. haha. This time, i've got myself more interesting titles such as 'The Age of Innocence' (which is apparently a beautiful film, according to IMDB anyway:D), 'Dancer in the Dark' (by the director Lars Von Trier, who coincidentally also directed the films Manderlay and Dogville and has a third installment coming up soon in 2007. Was first introduced to the director by Deryuan who loves this guy's works. haha. i'm alright with him. amazed at his attempts in breakthough-ing the mainstream style of filming, but not entirely happy with his themes:) Apparently 'Dancer in the Dark' is another wonderful movie, again according to IMDB:D), 'Agatha Christie's Miss Marple - The moving finger and At Betram's hotel' (i love agatha christie mysteries, and it's even more interesting to see them on film. to actually understand the british style and accent, as well as to see a visual representation of endearing miss marple. amazing:D) and last but not least, 'Law and Order- Year One' (22 episodes. I was initially looking for CSI to spark off my studying of the forensic science notes, as well as to spur me on to do research on forensic psychology, of which my term paper is based on..haha. Can't wait to watch it! Think i'll watch it when we study overnight at the airport:D). Really quite a treasure in the NLB... haha.
The troublesome thing is that i've got to finish it all in one week! haha. They're ALL due on the 1st October. oh dear. haha.

No i don't have a boyfriend. and no i'm not in love with anyone. actually i am. i'm in love with Jesus Christ, and i love my brothers and sisters and many people. haha. but I AM NOT IN A BGR.
nor am i in a crazy frenzy to get into one :)
btw, if u're wondering, the person in the photo in the previous post... is me! hahaha.
watched forbidden city with sengkim, michelle and daisy. it's a strange combination.. hahaa. but it was an interesting time nevertheless=] i liked scene 2 more than scene 1, possibly 'cos the acts feel more complete and the usage of the set was deeper than in scene 1:) haha. the band was wonderful and so is the lighting... but the actors and actresses were not the best there can be :) could have been better:) hahaha.
we had our 15th anniversary recently as well! on sat! in expo hall 2! hahaa. so cool to have service as a church in expo hall 2:D hahaa. it was not as oomphy as i've expected...but it was great seeing everyone together. like how it's been some time since i see the youth people in service, seeing gwen, shirley and ahlong and a poly sister together on stage. having service together with the philipinos.. haha. so cool:) miss the time together 'cos we didn't have combined church camp together due to a lack of space to accomodate all of us together. haha. what a pity. but something to give thanks for as well :)
it's been cold these days. LOL. the weather has nicely dropped. been feeling sleepy. maybe 'cos i've been sick. LOL. stuffed nose = unable to breathe. breathing through mouth = sore throat. it's just not a good feeling to have :)

Nice photo, ain't it:)

God has set eternity in the hearts of men :)
that's why he's got a God-sized purpose for all of us, waiting for us to trust Him to bring the purpose to completion :)
but to know His purpose entails the requirement for us to know Him first.
for without knowing the person who gave us the vision, how then, can we ask of the vision from Him?
:)

you know, people seem to have the misconception that a lot of things are just two ends of the spectrum.. which can be quite disastrous considering that MANY things are not two ends of the spectrum... but that one is the absence of the other. it's just like in temperature. what is coldness? the absence of heat! we count upwards from degrees farenheit.. haha. absolute 0 IS absolute 0. coldness. is merely. the. absence. of heat. :)
let's continue.
silence, is the absence of sound (or vibrations in the air)
sadness, is the absence of happiness.
sorrow, is the absence of joy.
hatred comes in the absence of love.
darkness comes in the absence of light.
and when you find that you have a hole in the heart, you find the absence of something to fill that hole in your heart:)
may you find the right person to fill it up with=] for that hole is pretty deep. and unending.
so the person you need to find will have to be able to provide unconditional and everlasting love.
or else you'll find that there's still that absence in your heart, forever unfilled :)
ah.

i feel like smacking some people and waking them up :) but i don't think that's a good idea... 'cos Jesus said to love my neighbour as myself. If i smack them in love, is that alright? :)

i feel like taking up dancing:) not this sem. maybe next year:)

we went for 'shut up and dance!' performance at UCC today. haha. 'cos jiali had two extra tickets 'cos two of her dancers couldn't make it...so yepz. watched it with (in sequence of the pple i saw today...) jiali, shane, sengkim, yanyu(?), jacqueline, christine, jasmine, gwen, dennis and apinum:) haha. it was interesting. primarily 'cos it's the first paid dance performance i've gone to..it didn't quite captivate me though.
i'm alright with the first performance:) then the second performance (ladies night) came. it was stupid. lol. the hosts were bimbotic and slightly annoying (though i did miss them quite a lot during the dances whereby they didn't make an appearance. their appearance was more enticing than the dance performance:)
There're a few dances which i enjoy.. haha. I enjoy 'mirror of many possibilities'..it's the 3rd dance danced by a couple. haha. i thought that the idea was very fresh:) and it certainly was a welcome break after the second dance:) i believe i enjoyed the forth dance too.. haha. the slower songs really did offer a break from the seemingly routinal moves from faster paced, seeking to be raunchy but just managed to turn people off dances:) i enjoyed the idea of the styled people dancing hiphop. hahaha. liked twilight touch too=) the other couple dance. haha.
i especially disliked the tribal dance thing. thought it was just plain stupid and overstepped the boundary of the word 'dance'. i guess in a sense, i can't really tell what it means to be a dancer, or what is defined as 'dancing', but it was a 'dance' which was first and foremost, pretty derogatory to females, secondly, looks like they're just wild animals doing moves for the sake of moving their bodies and thirdly, they didn't do it well.
there were some other dances with lots of sexual innuendoes, grinding and just basically slamming sexualised visual images into your face. as jacqueline puts it 'there to cause the guys to feel something':P
however, i do admire the dancers for their ability to utilize the body so greatly to form moving pictures, as well as for their stamina. haha. not to say of course, that their bodies are in such great shapes XD
somewhere in between the show, i got reminded of how shane is only 14 years old. i looked at the dance and grinned. poor shane.
yea well:) it was an interesting experience nonetheless:) haha.

Church anniversary special service in expo hall 2 next sat! Join us! There's gonna be dance and a great time of fellowship as the whole church comes together as one:) Haha... So cool! The whole family coming together! Like one big family reunion:)

The throngs of people gathered to listen to her sing... She's got a brilliant voice!:) Haha.

Guess what i saw at toa payoh?:) shixinhui on stage... Haha. With two lousy hosts:) lots of people...

yay. i've finally updated the links:) a long overdue task that is finally accomplished. haha:)
feeling really sleepy at this moment 'cos i haven't slept past 2.30am for some time now.. and there's tuition tmr. haha. how thrilling:) but it was really good to be able to update the blog addresses, 'cos somehow or another, it feels as though it's another chance for people to talk once more:)
btw, if you're an nus student and wishes to have the chance to earn a $100 book voucher, do vote for Seet Yong Hwei at
https://staffweb.nus.edu/ISIS/Lists/Portal%20Naming%20Contest/Introduction.htm :)
Thanks:) haha.

Can't wait for next tuesday! Haha... It's forbidden city day! Woohoo! Best seats!Haha. Okay. Maybe not the 'best'... But category a seats:) grin. Haha. Two rows before the vip seats... Can't wait! I've sacrificed weeks of movies for this... Haha. Better be good!:-D

i woke up this morning with the song 'there is none like You' in my head. it's been some time since we've sung this song, so it was quite surprising to wake up with that song in my head...

-there is none like You
no one else could touch my heart like You do
i could search for all eternity long
and find, there is none like You

Your mercy flows like a river wide
and healing comes from Your hand
suffering children are safe in Your arms...
there is none like You-

indeed. there is no one like God..God who knew that i was getting rather down and out due to some stuff. God who knows that i was about to wallow in self pity and sent 2 unexpected people to talk to me. Just a normal conversation, but it encouraged me greatly and reminded me that what i did in the past, or am doing now, will have repercussions in the future. positive repercussions. that though it might seem as though nothing fruitful has resulted from certain things i do, God is already working through what has been done. He has already secured the future. really greatly lifted me up...though i was still a bit down when i went to sleep last night, i woke up this morning having a fresh insight into what i went through.
i had a refreshing day today as well. actually it started out quite disastrous... finding out that i had low batt and subsequently no batt and really couldn't contact lots of people.. then couldn't find my ICare peer and buddy... couldn't call or sms people.. ah. haha. but my only tutorial today turned out to be quite entertaining... and i realized that thinking of experiments ain't that hard. haha. i dropped my laptop after tutorial class, in the class itself.. and my tutor was like going 'orhor... your SPSS data gone.' then i was sheepishly shrugging when he continued 'your msn contacts gone!' haha. super funny. he's a funny tutor..though it might not seem like it at first when he set the ground rules. haha. thought i wouldn't enjoy research and statistical methods...but it seems to be quite different from my expectations. haha.
had the chance to work with guanrui today for games..haha. refreshing:) the games were refreshing as well. haha. though there were some unprepared moments and technical glitches.. i gotta say i did enjoy myself as well. haha.
interesting day :)

-You said, ask and you will receive whatever you need
You said, pray and I'll hear from heaven and I'll heal your land
You said, Your glory will fill the earth, like water the sea
You said, lift up your eyes
the harvest is here
the Kingdom is near
You said, ask and i'll give the nations to you
O Lord that's the cry of my heart-

to you.
haha.
don't think you even read my blog. but this goes out to you anyway.
thanks for inspiring me to grow with your life example:)

to another you.
whom i think reads my blog.
thanks for being there for me to learn from:) and for your company:)

to yet another you.
the one who's sleeping now.
i forgive you. 'cos i remember of what is said in the Lord's prayer. Forgive us, as we have also forgiven our debtors.

---
it's been a week of shocks:) thinking back, i was just wondering if i'll still be shocked by different things that come my way. haha. we'll see:)
today we had HQ warming:) HQ's at engine bridge:) haha. we had pizza and spaghetti and fondue=] and an excellent time of fellowship. long time since we met together to really talk to one another and enjoy the fragrance of each other's company:) i learned more about the people who're in both units. it feels good.
a connection beyond the physical and superficial. a connection beyond time. a connection beyond doubts.
---
sleepy:) but still got readings to do and notes to print out:) sometimes i just wanna sit by the sea and feel the breeze till i fall asleep. or to continuously swim laps around the pool. to have the luxury of time to ponder.
:)