I do not know where to start. It's a strange topic to be blogging about, yet it has been a recurrent topic that popped into my mind and conversations i have with various people these days. I have various thoughts on it, yet i confess that my thoughts will barely touch the fringe of the depth of the emotions and confusion people have. The emotional turmoil, the forbidden thoughts, the various reasons, the constant yearning that accompanies. i can but scratch the surface. yet do not judge me, for my thoughts are my own. and who is great enough to be able to judge another fellow human being's thoughts?
Homosexuality is an issue that's long debated. I feel it is anyway. As i became a Christian in jc1, it's something which i had to learn to grapple with and reconcile in the light of knowing Jesus. To find out Christ's stand on this issue. I learnt that Christ hates the sin, but loves the sinner. So Christ loves me, but hates the fact that this sin was holding me down. I know that God loves me. And it was my choice to honour Him or not to. I chose to honour Him.
It will be a lie to say that once i've decided to do so, everything went smoothly. There are times when i struggled with it, especially when i loved another. There are times whereby i want to just give in to my thoughts and yearning. There are times whereby i wonder why it is wrong to love another girl, and i seeked answers that complimented what i wanted. There are times whereby i wonder if the church is being too strict. Times when i silently wished that God will just forgive me on this and let me pass. Times when the hurt becomes so great, the denial so strong, that i could not do anything much, except to pray that one day, the feelings will pass. It felt futile, yearning for a relationship which will never happen. i felt torn.
God is always faithful. It's not a statement that is said just because I'm a Christian. It's a truth i've experienced in my life and will continue to experience. the times when i felt so lost and confused, He reminded me of who He is. He reminded me that He showed Himself real to me even when i was an anti-christ, that i am unable to deny His existence because His presence was so real it felt like there was only me and Him and everyone else was far away. He reminded me of His greatness in my life. It's no longer the question of liking a guy or a girl. it's the question of whether i trust that He will bring me through in this. It's a question of loving God and trusting God for what He will bring me to. it is a matter of living my life to love Him back, to honour Him and to know Him.
A constant choice of yielding to God rather than yielding to your emotions and heart desires. For our heart deceives.I wanted this post to be something thereotical in nature. A post interspersed with verses which guide us back to His Word.. but somehow i guess it's turning out to be otherwise.
And i wonder how many people actually struggled with the same thing i struggled with (it took a long time, but i've overcome it). Seems like most of my friends don't continually or have never even struggled with this before. But i hope that one day, should there be anyone who is out there pondering over this issue, or going through it yourself, remember that another human being on earth has had similar struggles to you. she has done lots of things before too - being a member of the lgb community, confessed her love to the girl she likes, nearly committed suicide 'cos of this... remember that there's someone called Jesus who loves you greater. accepts you unconditionally as who you are and His love will fill your heart as you learn to step out from this sin. For it is a sin, no less.

'"Haven't you read,'he replied, 'that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female', and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not seperate."'(Matthew 19:4-6)

Some song lyrics that struck me deeply even when i'm typing this entry:
-Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands-

-You are my strength when i am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my all in all-