quoted from the article i was reading:

“The only way to get through to them was to acknowledge that their behavior made sense: Thoughts of death were sweet release given what they were suffering. "


“acceptance of life as it is, not as it is supposed to be; and the need to change, despite that reality and because of it."

random re-posting

my friend posted this up previously in one of "our formerly existent, but currently being buried in a grave of dust" blog.
"Do you think," she said, "you'll ever write in English?"

"It would be hard choice to make," he said, as though he pondered it often.

"But why would it be a choice?" she asked. "Couldn't you write in both?"

"I don't know," he said. "It may be that languages are like lovers. You can have more than one at a time. But perhaps it is possible to love only one at a time."

Just told my other counsellor about my decision.
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I've always found it interesting, and really rather annoying, whenever a certain higher management tries to coerce me into doing more work by using ranking as a threat. seriously, it doesn't work, and it's pretty demeaning (to me) to think that i come into my profession with the purpose of rising in my ranks. Not to say promotion or salary scales don't affect me as a person, but ultimately, it would never take the place of the fulfillment of just being able to see someone change in my heart.
but finances are important, because in a giving profession, it's one of the things that justify the amount of giving which is taking place, without burning someone out. like being paid for something that's done takes away the subtle question in the mind of 'why am i giving you so much of myself when you don't even seem to appreciate it at all?'
in church, the purpose behind the giving justifies it, but in a secular setting, payment helps to reduce that question (seeing the person change ultimately helps to reduce that as well). haha.
the matter of fact counsellor speaks. hoho.
on another note, i also find it amusing, and slightly annoying, when i notice people trying to manipulate me with the words they say, or the atmosphere. as if i wouldn't have noticed it, even if they don't -_- people use emotional blackmail a lot more than they realize they do ;)

haha. seeing the different people at the xmas brainstorming session was like seeing a gathering of the different pastoral ministries i've been to. derek reminds me of pre-tertiary, dennis and gwen and jiali and jasmine of youth, charn reminds me of uni-ya.. and what a joy to be able to serve together with them again after so many years :)
like, wow, it's been so many years but it's so heartening to see u all.
haha. quite enjoyed the time as well, i guess i miss having a group of people whom i can bounce ideas off? or somewhere where imagination can be used. i miss the creative process of creating something, and it was rather enjoyable to already have the skeleton out cos i can just add on to it. haha.
was thinking/dreaming about what the theme could possibly be, and the actual thing talked about turned out to be pretty similar to what i thought it would be. thought tt was interesting too. though the focus is slightly different. haha. i thought it would be on sacrifice. hahaa.
looking forward to the days ahead :D

i hate it when something unjust is said towards me, or something unfair about me is said about me when the person doesn't understand the whole long history behind something that's been done.
but i guess sometimes we just have to learn to adopt the words of Jesus in saying
'forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing."
and surely there have been also times when others allow us that benefit of the doubt and forgive us out of grace.
it still irks me though.

Editting my room!

My sister is moving back in with us, so she's decided to clear out her room.
So I've also decided to re-design my room (again). hahaa.
Am going to get a loft bed so that I have more floor space in my room (since I share that space with Chi's litter tray... hahaa)
Am going to create a Chi's corner too! just haven't decided which corner would be good :) hahaha. well. maybe put curtains around the area to seal it? guess it would be nice for chi to hide in too. hahaa. not too sure at this moment. I think a Chi's corner is a slight waste of space considering that it's just one litter tray down there. maybe i can put a storage box underneath? hahahahaa. well. haven't planned out the design.
my room is STILL pretty messy, and i STILL don't have much sense as to how to get it organized. though i'm quite excited about my loft bed :D

has been searching up on part time/summer/au pair jobs in Japan. haha. thinking of doing a bit of internship/work the next time i go to Japan :)
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"You should never counsel your family or friends as you can 't be objective in a close relationship"

hahaa. there was once (some time ago) when I was really peeved, and to help myself manage that anger, i googled up angry enfj.
and found this description rather interesting:
"Level I - The Introversion

- A little rage, minor frustration that I can normally deal with with a little sarcasm, a little venting and talking to a friend
- I become a little passive aggressive --> I can relate to this
- My body movements become stiffer than usual
- I become quiet for a few hours or a day till I find someone to talk to and provide me emotional support i become quiet, but usually i can resolve it myself. usually when i'm talking to someone about it, it means that i'm rather pissed off about it

Level II - The Implosion.

- I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up
- My hands start shaking and I immediately have a strong urge to punch something [not someone -- of course !!]
- Adrenaline rush
- I control these urges as best as I can however
- I feel a strong urge to shout to be heard, but I don't.
- In the end, I become overly sarcastic, overly critical and start speaking in irrational think-speak so far, have happened to me over with regards to one person, and after a lot of disappointments. hurhur
- Sometimes, I actually become extremely cool in this state as well.


Level III - The Explosion
- I feel like I have to destroy the person who hurt me completely
- I do start shouting and screaming to the point where my throat goes sore
- I want to hit out verbally at the other person's deepest insecurities and completely destroy their view of themselves and even malign them in the eyes of others by revealing their deepest darkest secrets that they've trusted me with [but I don't] -->lol. I think this happens in the implosion stage as well.
- In private, I become threatening but to myself and not the other person. I damage myself because of course I can't damage the other person.
- I punch walls with my fists to the point where I've broken my hand, made it bleed [I have many scars] I think this is written by a guy
- I go completely silent after the explosion but once it's out of my system, I become extremely apologetic after and feel guilty for days after oh. i can identify with the completely silent part. I've only exploded twice in my life i think. both towards my family members. quite a couple of years ago. hope the spirit tempered me won't see this happening again.

i guess nowadays i get rather quick in noticing the changes in my mood cos of the meta analysis going on in my head. i think nowadays i seldom experience very big changes in my mood too - thank God. lol

Going for the "Transformation of At-Risk Youths" conference in November. the slogan that was presented to us was 'It's not about what I am now, but what I can be, if you believe in me."
haha.
I guess generally I'm someone who'd look at a person beyond himself/herself now, but there are times when I get so frustrated with the person that I withdraw unto myself, and stop believing in the change that can happen to the person. Though after that the Holy Spirit generally prompts me to rethink and re-evaluate things. I guess seeing the change that happens to me and other people helps me to go on, knowing that God is in control and that the person is ultimately responsible for his/her own response to people and God helps me to go on too. I'd do my part, but it's the other person's choice as to respond or not.

Recently I had quite a scary dream. I dreamt that we were all going through a survival game of some sort (including my sister and my mother). The dream started with me choosing which tunnel (different tunnels present a different sort of obstaces) to go down to, as the wrong tunnel chosen will mean a certain sort of death. I remember running through the tunnel and seeing knives fly.
We were left with 100 people for the 2nd last round. And for the 2nd last round, the instructions given to us was that we have to choose one person out of the 100 to commit suicide O_O
I woke up before we went to the trial, but I remembered that in my dream I was wondering how in the world would we be able to do that, and how it would be if we continued to live knowing that we directly caused that person to die. And if I should volunteer to die instead.
it was a horrible dream, and a horrible question.
Goodness knows why I have this kind of weird dreams.

am in post holiday depression cos i still haven't had time to sit in a quiet cool environment and just ponder about things for the whole day. i guess i really do need quite a bit of time alone afterall.

I think I feel slightly irritated whenever people overemphasize on safety, or on convenience.. I mean, is life meant to be forever safe and things to be convenient?

having not used Gestalt therapy for a period of time, am feeling slightly hesitant about using it, but i guess it's needed for the cases i have now. working with a client who has depression and while considering about what therapy to use with her, gestalt keeps coming to mind.
lol.
excited in a way cos i enjoy using this therapy, and i've seen for myself the effectiveness it can carry, but slightly hesitant cos of the recent lack of use. haha. hope that God will empower me in the session to carry it well :)

today's one of those days that I feel like scolding the angry young boys who'd break their pens just because they're angry at being shouted at.

just finished Kokoro Connect episode 5 :\ a rather heavyish episode (though I thought it would have been interesting to know what Iori's last words for everyone was, other than Taichi...). the twist caught me slightly by surprise.

Conversations About The Gifted Education Program (2012)

I've not finished watching the whole video, but I figured that it would be an interesting insight into how some of the other batches have thought/felt. To this day, it's still hard to believe that I was part of the programme aimed at the top 1% of the cohort as my studying years were entangled and mashed up together with my ADD, as well as a whole range of other weird issues which my classmates were facing. Having said that, I guess what I took away from the programme, was not so much of the academic aspect of it, than the fact that we had much freedom to do the things we wanted, as well as the friendships that we had. I enjoyed doing the independent research project every year, I enjoyed roughing through the days preparing for CHAOs, I enjoyed playing basketball/soccer during every single recess period, and I enjoyed the quirkiness of the people around me. To tell the truth, I really don't remember doing much studying, other than in the months before the examinations.
I guess people who look at the programme will always think of how elitist it is.. for us who've been through it, it would be the fun (and pain) of the programme that stays with us. Nobody ever realized how painful it can be for us (in our growing up years, and even now as adult), to be always looked at with a different set of eyes, to be labelled in a different way. I guess in our hearts, we know we would always be slightly different, and yet, we do face what everyone faces as well.

Imagine you have 10 TV's and 10 radios on different channels and 10 little kids jumping up and down saying "Look at me! Look at me!" all at full volume from the time you wake up until the time you go to sleep. The less interesting something is, the less likely you'll be able to keep it in focus. You have to constantly fight to keep yourself on track because you never know what's going to grab your attention next. If something REALLY interesting happens your mind hyper-focuses on it and blocks out EVERYTHING else until the excitement passes. It's pretty much the only time you feel in control.

- written by someone trying to explain how ADHD/add is like. 

Intimate Note - SNSD [Full - English Subs]

laughed all the way. haha. they did this in 2009.

what do u see when you look at a person?
i guess when i see someone, usually the first thing i notice is the potential of that person. haha. so in a way i'm rather blind, i may not totally see a person as how the person is now, but more of how the person can be.
sometimes it takes months. sometimes it takes years, but when the potential is drawn out of that person and finally integrated with the person, i'm like 'ah. it's finally here. hahaa'

a little physically tired now. but my soul is refreshed :D
i guess enfjs are the happiest when they can give. i'm rather happy when i can listen to people whom i know will appreciate me. haha.
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do i have any resentment? haha. no.
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God dropped in me an analogy on going through trials just now :D haha.
that we're like sculptures/statues trapped in marble, and the scalpel/knife to carve (i don't know what the name is) is like the trials that mould us and gets rid of the unnecessary marble such that our shape emerges. going through it is painful cos it chips at us, but the beauty of what is revealed after that is worth the pain :) and God will continue to work on us because He wants to show forth the beautiful work He has in mind when He started to work on the slab of marble, that we'd gradually become more and more of the sculpture He has in mind.
i don't know if it makes sense, but in my head it does, and personally i think that's such a beautiful picture. haha.