today's a terribly horrendous day...
or maybe it's not too bad afterall, 'cos i did a lot of thinking today...
results back today... i failed my additional mathematics paper with a percentage of 46.8 something... and scored only 64 for my higher chinese paper.
by the way, miss lee told me i failed biology... two failures from my class and one from the other. and miss choo kindly told me that i got a 9 out of 12 for my picture desciption (average as she calls it 'cos most people got a 10 or a 11) and that overall, i managed to hit an A2... manZ! an A2 is like 14 out of 20. is my oral that bad? maybe it is. maybe i'm just too blind to hear it out. maybe i've been too deaf to hear my mistakes, too blind to spot my bad characteristics.
seriously, i don't know what to say. i tried to stay cheerful, to be okay... to disallow my tear ducts from reacting... but i couldn't. i just CAN'T think of myself as part of the community... and not as an individual. 'cos without the others, I won't exist at all. but i can't! i can't even empathise with others...i did try... putting myself in nina's shoes... feeling the disappointment she probably feels 'cos she's used to having higher marks, instead of like being deducted 12 marks in 3 qns... but i simply can't do that for everyone. i nearly snapped (nearly... i didnt' in the end, luckily)at nina... and for the entire maths lesson, during recess and for the rest of the day, i was just feeling really bad... emotionally drained, and physically ill.
I just couldn't trust myself anymore... i mean, hey manz, i'm supposed to be quite okay at higher chinese, i even studied so hard for it, and all i got was a B4... and BIOLOGY! of ALL subjects to faiL! i can't believe i failed bio. i never could believe when books go around 'claiming' that their hearts feel like it has been stabbed or something similar... until today. i felt like there were just two bundles of energy inside me, trying to break out, and that i'm desperately trying to hold onto loose soil, clinging on in fact. and the thing is... i didn't dare to voice it out too much... 'cos everyone has their own disappointments and problems as well, i don't wish to add to their sorrows or something. yet it's so hard to not do so u know... 'cos everyone's just looking for comfort, and i feel i shouldn't be so selfish as to ask for it as well.
that was when i realised that mother theresa was really great. her ability to empathise, to sympathise and to love everyone without judging them, it's something i'll never be able to do. she has defied the theory that all humans are selfish... and try hard as i may to become unselfish, i can't do so.
and mrs yong doesn't even believe that i've worked hard for the examinations...she was just there telling me that my attitude's the problem.
i wish there's some way to dig out the sad feeling inside of me.