i hate to say this.. but i'm a little stuck in helping to resolve unresolved grief from the past.
limited in my use of psychoanalysis and gestalt therapy.
ah!
i need more training!

i forgot that these are the people whom i love dearly as well :)

I believe in education and knowledge.

Saw this in my online course about 'burnout and self care'!

Stressors uniquely associated with counselling and other similar roles include:

* Maintaining concentration, discipline and skill. This intensity is rarely understood by others not working in the field.

* The high level of continuous output of energy. (i concur!)

* Issues are often intense, painful and sometimes irresolvable.

* Role expectations of counsellors are often out of proportion to what is reasonably achievable.

* Limited organisational support for counsellors. (amen!)

* Feelings of isolation and having expectations placed upon them. (sadly. yes.)

* Feeling inadequate and having self-doubt when outcomes are achieved.

(Potter, 1987)

disillusionment is good!
it breaks illusions and brings the truth :)

Don't Quit.

Don't quit when the tide is lowest
For it's just about to turn
Don't Quit over doubts and questions
For there's something you may learn
Don't quit when the night is darkest
For it's just a while 'til dawn
Don't quit when you've run the farthest
For the race is almost won
Don't quit when the hill is steepest
For your goal is almost nigh
Don't quit, for you're not a failure
Until you fail to try.
- Author unknown -

i feel old.
not jaded.
more of old.
i can identify with the Asako sensei in Gu Gu the cat.
i can identify with her smiles, her silent observation of life, and the acceptance of it all.
am i disinterested in human beings? hardly.
maybe i am disillusioned.
ha.
that will be new.
maybe i'd become a cynical old lady who sees deteriorative state of humankind and sigh.
and look daily to the warm embrace of her Lord.
the One who will make promises and keep them.
the One who's faithful to the end.
the only One who's faithful to the end.

it suddenly feels as if i have too much time on my hands...

i am
slightly hesitant towards the change.
slightly disappointed.
slightly apprehensive.

i will miss the times with jan and ellson! :(

i am also
slightly excited!
haha :)
hope i do a chance to do what jan mentioned.
hehe.
he said 'you may have to..'
but i'd be more than willing to! HAHAHAA

:)

i trust You God.

In my nap today,
I experienced hypnagogia hallucination today when I took my nap, both before and after the nap. Lol. It’s not the first time I experienced it, but in previous incidents, I didn’t quite know what they are. As such, I never gave much thought to it.. It’s only today that I read about the term and knew what they are.
This is from wikipedia:
“Hypnagogic imagery is often auditory or has an auditory component. Like the visuals, hypnagogic sounds vary in intensity from faint impressions to loud noises, such as crashes and bangs (exploding head syndrome) People may imagine their own name called or a doorbell ringing. Snatches of imagined speech are common. While typically nonsensical and fragmented, these speech events can occasionally strike the individual as apt comments on – or summations of – their thoughts at the time. They often contain word play, neologisms and made-up names. Hypnagogic speech may manifest as the subject’s own ‘inner voice’, or as the voices of others: familiar people or strangers. More rarely, poetry or music is heard. “
I experienced snatches of speech. Both times. Voices will arise all around me, different tones and different textures and start to discuss (though what the discussion was on, I don’t quite remember. Hahaa).
And the song “To build a home” by Cinematic Orchestra was playing in the background when I was half way in between being awake and being asleep. I only remember the song, and originally thought it was by Coldplay. It was only after checking with Justin that I got the song title. Lol.
Interesting experience.
And yes, I miss napping!

You must sleep sometime between lunch and dinner, and no half-way measures. Take off your clothes and get into bed. That's what I always do. Don't think you will be doing less work because you sleep during the day. That's a foolish notion held by people who have no imagination. You will be able to accomplish more. You get two days in one —well, at least one and a half, I'm sure. When the war started, I had to sleep during the day because that was the only way I could cope with my responsibilities. ~Sir Winston Churchill

I just washed Chi! :D
Recently she's taken to the habit of going out of the house when I come home, roll around in the dusy outside the house and then come back in (to the horrified faces of me and my mum).
lol.
and she's made it a daily ritual too.
so i decided to wash her today! :D yay.
now her hair is nice and fluffy.
hahaha
interestingly, she didn't struggle or scratch me
she merely stood around and wondered why the door was closed
and then stood around and sniffed around as i used the showerhead to shower her down. LOL
yay :)

went to trim my hair today 'cos i couldn't quite stand the long fringe. hahahaa.
and the frayed ends due to water washing away chemicals after rebonding :X
haha.
thinking of doing soft perms ard the hair ends, maybe in June or something.
yay!
or maybe longer.
wanna grow out my hair.
i wish it'd grow faster.
HAHAHA.
i saw this lady with beautiful hair today :)
if long hair and perms doesn't work, i'd prob cut it short again.
hohoho

Finished 'Read through the wind'! :D
it's a book about a girl's life in the 1900s.. how she was originally a child of the streets, surviving, and how one day her life was turned around due to an accident that happened (she got kicked by a horse), and how she was subsequently brought into a reverend's household. The reverend took care of her till she grew older, and the story follows her as she ran away from home after being coerced by a guy to run away with him, and the life that follows thereafter. The book shows us her demise into dreaded circumstances and fundamentally deals with the themes of desire (for a lover, for a child), trust (in God's character) and the loss of it.
Not exactly a very excellent read, but was refreshing enough to see how the bible verses are brought out in the life of her. The book also showed the girl (Kassandra) dealing with questions of whether God's forgiveness and grace extends to her in these circumstances and is a keen reminder (to me) of how God's grace extends beyond our sins (and how there are people who genuinely love you for who you are, despite what happened in your life :)
If I have to put it on a scale of 5, I'd give it a 3 :)

Feeling nauseous this morning after waking up, but not to the extent of really puking, so decided to go to school.
my other counsellor said i looked awful today. lol.
Was developing a bit of temperature yesterday night, but thought that sleeping it off will be okay. Slept it off (my temperature is gone), but woke up feeling generally not that well.
And the thing is, I don't think it's attributed to stress. hahahaa.
jialat.
i don't feel particularly stressed out. hahaa. just normal. and i'm in good self esteem. hhahaa.
and i've been sleeping enough these few days too.
hmmmm

I also realized, that it's so much easier to absorb/read than to produce words. lol.
currently reading the S.H.A.P.E book, a book called 'Speak through the wind' by Allison Pittman (I dun usually read fiction nowadays.. bought this book on Doulas when it was dorked in Singapore previously) and On solitude by Michel De Montaigne. lol.
why am i typing these titles out?
so that whoever wants to borrow will know that i have them and can thus borrow from me. LOL!

the disturbing question of what kind of influence would i want to make came back to me today during the counsellors awareness briefing today. lol.
you know. i am currently 24.
that means 24 years of my life have passed!
assuming that i'd live to around 70.. that'd mean that i only have 46 years left.
that's very little! ahhhhhhhhhh!
and what if i die earlier than that? lol
like at 27? that'd mean i have 3 years left!
Jesus influenced a lot of people during his 3 and a half years of ministry.

heh.
i guess the reason why i brought this up was also 'cos i realized there are different areas which i can potentially invest my life and time in, and these are good areas... but i'm wondering if i should. i need to specialize.
for a long period of time, i wondered why i needed to specialize. hahaha. i felt that there are different areas of interest, and the notion of specializing felt like we're limiting ourselves to just some things in life when potentially, if we stretch ourselves, we can do more.
i still believe that we can potentially do much more if we stretch ourselves, but i came to a realization (while thinking about things on the bus ride home) about the importance of specialization (which may have been obvious to some, but was not that obvious to me) that it helps us to be more effective and excellent in what we are doing.
jack of all trades, master of none.
if you can be a master of some, that'd be great.
but if not, be at least a master of one.
being faithful with the one that's been given to you, and more will be given to you.
that's a reminder that struck me recently too.
haha.

also got reminded that as we disciple people, we're influencing them as who we are. hahhaa.
hmmmm. i do enjoy shepherding people. heh. primarily 'cos it's in my comfort zone. hohohoho.
but also 'cos there's just something that feels joyfully satisfied after a shepherding session (regardless of how the session went). hahaa. which is different from a counselling session :D LOL.
i was just sharing with michelle that my spiritual gifts and my heart seems to coincide nicely with my job scope and my strengths. lol. glad :)

i realized that i'm just over the adjustment phase in the workplace.
hahaa.
whenever there's any huge changes in my life, i take ard 6 months to adjust to it. then there'd come a day when i can feel a switch (literally) in myself, and that's when i know i'm past the adjustment phase.
when i'm past the adjustmnet phase, there's an increase in energy in the group/place that i'm in, i've managed to make sense of my purpose in that place, and i'm able to manage things as part and parcel of my daily life.
kinda like it's been accepted into my life. lol
interesting to feel the difference :D

"When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened."
John M. Richardson Jr.

xinying gets bored when the conversations remain shallow.

Started another blog! :D
http://anormalhumanbeing.blogspot.com/

One of the items of list of things I search for pertaining to my work:
- Love bites

:)
high tea on thurs!
universal studios in june! :D

lol. that's to help me to remember what i wanna type about.
recently was evaluating the style in which i relate to people, and the style in which others may relate to other people.
i'm a person who likes to know and notice the details of things.
specifically i like to have a detailed covered holistic picture of the things that occur in people's lives.. as such, sometimes i'm not contented with just an overview of how the person's life has been.
what's been happening in your life?
what're the thoughts that came by?
what're some things you learned?
what're the events like? who were the people there?
it's like wanting a review of the person's life. hahaha! so funny.
(my chi is like mewing and grumbling away.)
and i actually do enjoy it when someone supplies the details of his/her life. hahaa.

the intricacies of humans and human friendships amaze me.
and as with all things, what i value the most, will affect me the most.

i am not a big picture person. i admit that now. hahaha.
my concern lies in things at a smaller scale.
the here and now.
and the future that is postulated from the here and now.

detailed oriented people vs big-picture people?

hahahaa.
i just thought of a funny incident today.
one of my colleagues took green bean soup, came and stood beside me and said
'i just came over to say hi.'
and another colleague asked me 'how're u? are u okay? hang in there'
heh.
i think it must be 'cos i've been typing out things abt cancer and suicide in my staff gmail subnicks.
lol

i really really want to try the polyphasic sleep thing at times.
hahaha.
there are times when i feel like maybe i shouldn't try it 'cos it'd mean my schedule will be pretty broken up...
but there're also times like this at night when i have lots of thoughts and lots of things i wanna do and think about and type out and write and consider and i just wish that i have more 'awake' time to do all these and think about all these things.
i have a room to clean up.
i have a body to train up.
i have TONS of thoughts to type out and make sense of and consider and just muse over.
i have TONS of cases to think through and wonder how to help them better.
i have people whom i want to pray for more.
i have lots of books to read.
i want to spend EXTENDED time with God.
i have tons of movies i want to watch.
i have LOTS which i want to read about and learn.

hahaa.

it's like.
the production of the thought threads in my mind outnumber the speed of my typing by at least a 100x or something. i have tons of things stored in my mind which i hope to churn and type out, but am unable to due to the limitation of time.. and they just keep piling up and getting numbered.
such that my 'to type out and remember' list grows by a few numbers per day. hohoho.
but i guess, such is the limitation of life :)
my brain is working overtime.
i can literally feel the neurons connecting to each other and i can sense electrical activity happening in my brain. hahahaha.
and it doesn't still.
i think i should let it still first before typing.
maybe i'd read up on brain waves first :D
okay.
i'm in beta state now.
actively engaged in mental tasks. hahahaha.
--------------
had work assignment session with my vp today :)
found it quite good. hahaha.
he's like trying to teach me certain things.
and i asked about certain things too.
think i got tired of being silent, so i just asked and asked and questioned back :X
LOL
but in the end things are clearer :) and i made my job scope more transparent.
which is good i guess :)
thank God for him. haha.

Suicide Myths

by Kevin Caruso

Suicide Myth
People who talk about suicide are just trying to get attention.

Suicide Fact
People who die by suicide usually talk about it first. They are in pain and oftentimes reach out for help because they do not know what to do and have lost hope. Always take talk about suicide seriously. Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Suicide Myth
People who talk about wanting to die by suicide do not try to kill themselves.

Suicide Fact
People who talk about wanting to die by suicide oftentimes kill themselves.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
Suicide always occurs without any warning signs.

Suicide Fact
There are almost always warning signs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
Once people decide to die by suicide, there is nothing you can do to stop them.

Suicide Fact
Suicide can be prevented. Most people who are suicidal do not want to die; they just want to stop their pain.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
Suicide only strikes people of a certain gender, race, financial status, age, etc.

Suicide Fact
Suicide can strike anyone.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
People who attempt suicide and survive will not attempt suicide again.

Suicide Fact
People who attempt suicide and survive will oftentimes make additional attempts.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
People who attempt suicide are crazy.

Suicide Fact
No, no, no. They are in pain, and probably have a chemical imbalance in their brain. Anyone could attempt suicide.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
People who attempt suicide are weak.

Suicide Fact
No, no, no. They are in pain and probably have a chemical imbalance in their brain. Many people who are very "strong" die by suicide.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
People who talk about suicide are trying to manipulate others.

Suicide Fact
No. People who talk about suicide are in pain and need help. And telling them that they "just want something" or "are trying to manipulate" is both insensitive and ignorant. People often talk about suicide before dying by suicide. Always take talk about suicide seriously. Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
When people become suicidal, they will always be suicidal.

Suicide Fact
Most people are suicidal for a limited period of time. However, suicidal feelings can recur.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
People who are suicidal definitely want to die.

Suicide Fact
The vast majority of people who are suicidal do not want to die. They are in pain, and they want to stop the pain.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
You should never ask people who are suicidal person if they are thinking about suicide or if they have thought about a method, because just talking about it will give them the idea.

Suicide Fact
Asking people if they are thinking about suicide does not give them the idea for suicide. And it is important to talk about suicide with people who are suicidal because you will learn more about their mindset and intentions, and allow them to diffuse some of the tension that is causing their suicidal feelings.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
When people who are suicidal feel better, they are no longer suicidal.

Suicide Fact
Sometimes suicidal people feel better because they have decided to die by suicide, and may feel a sense of relief that the pain will soon be over.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
Young people never think about suicide, they have their entire life ahead of them.

Suicide Fact
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24. Sometimes children under 10 die by suicide.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
There is little correlation between alcohol or drug abuse and suicide.

Suicide Fact
Oftentimes people who die by suicide are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suicide Myth
People who are suicidal do not seek help.

Suicide Fact
Many people who are suicidal reach out for help.

I figured that I should at least share my own review on the shows I've watched, but I feel lazy to do so.
To start with, reviews are usually so detailed, and they have to be properly thought out.
I don't quite properly think out when I type my posts, they just flow out of what I have to say. sometimes they've been regurgitated and digested and churned over and over again in my mind.. so those posts are usually 'neater'.
there are other times, such as now, whereby the blog post is churned out spontaneously and with whatever mental state i have in the moment. these posts tend to be a little more.. random. it really depends though.
so as I said, I don't plan out what I type on my posts often. which probably renders me an ineffective and non-detailed reviewer.
but do i really care?
not really. lol.
i guess i just want to promote good shows and deter others from watching bad ones. all in my opinion.

but i'd leave it to another time.
am falling asleep even as i type this out :)
bought Seven pounds and this other japan drama (白い春 - shiroi haru) which looked pretty interesting.
i watched International yesterday (on my lappie), and A single man (in Cathay)today :)
will give reviews soon!
i hope.
hohohoho.

my body's starting to auto shutdown and auto wake up. LOL
if i listen to the prompting of my body for sleep, i'd usually end up waking up the next morning. instead of 20 mins later, or at 4+am (as i used to do in the past).
oh! and it'd auto wake up at the 2nd timing when i have to reach school at 8am . hahaha

There is love that came for us
Humbled to a sinner's cross
You broke my shame and sinfuless
You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm and through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

Chorus:
You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
it is written
Christ is risen
Jesus you are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You're my hope and my defence
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

Bridge:
So let Your name be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Be lifted higher

I realized that I can be fiercely protective of things which i deem as mine/important to me.
which is, like most things,
advantageous and disadvantageous at times.
------------------------------
i wish there're some things i've never known :)

crumbling.

oh.
i totally forgot about the payment. oops :\

i think the church would be much more effective if the pastoral leaders can be trained up in basic counselling skills :) i know ULs get trained in them. lol. but i think it might help if CLs are trained too.
maybe i should ask Christine about it :)
intriguing how i'm getting all the affective cases. lol.
wondering if i can take up another one O.o
i do see the need to build up a box of resources for myself and my counsellees.
wondering if i've got the time to do it up properly :\

I just wok up form a 1am nap crash :)
hahhaa
i've been trying to nap at 1am/12.30am, and wake up 30 mins later. but for 4 nights in a row (someone can ascertain to that) i've crashed and slept all the way to 5.50am. today i woke up at 10am. hahaa. though i did remember waking up at 6+ to check my phone and read 2 messages. hahahaa.
guess i had quite a heavy week before this. not that it was extremely heavy in terms of workload, but rather, i did a lot of thinking through this week. mentally and emotionally heavy?
sadly, at this moment, i feel not as productive in terms of journal output as my previous days, though i do feel awake, with probably a slight tinge of grogginess.
and this morning i realized that perhaps i managed to step out of denial. i made a decision yesterday evening, after spending 2 hours in shokudo (and i think i saw a Hope brother with his colleagues) finishing up 'Drawing Near' by John Bevere (not an easy read 'cos it challenges you in your spiritual intimacy with God, though not doctrinally heavy, like our dear Philip Yancey) and subsequently just thinking things through.
i was sharing with the cg yesterday about how this week i'm very convicted about the need for discipline, and i shared to them about polyphasic sleep. haha :) now i'm actually wondering if it's actually possible for me to go through the adjustment period in June to polyphasic, considering that my naps at 1am have always been rather unsuccessful. hhahahaa.
perhaps it might help if my nap's not on the bed, but on the sofa instead? :) or that it's not in darkness? or just in my chair? something to consider i guess :)
haha.
it was a week of consolidating and thinking through what i really want, how i really want to do things.
i was reminded of the fact that i've only got one life to live. i'm already 24! and though i've achieved a large part of what i had on my mental checklist (e.g. take psychology, work in a related profession, do up my own experiments under Dr Tan...), i am way far behind in my understanding of God and my intimacy with Him. but then again, this kinda thing a bit hard to plan ah? hahaa. i guess in a way, God is bringing me through an amazing journey :) not to say that it's comfortable. i realized that God likes to place people whom i dislike/had a conflict with/will cause me to be out of my comfort zone in some way or another around me (not to say that they're not lovely people, they are! it's just that you know sometimes there're people whom u naturally feel more comfortable with, and people whom you don't 'cos of personality differences). but at the end of the day, we won't grow much if we're always in our comfort zones, won't we :)
though sometimes it'd take an extended period of griping/grumbling/denying/sighing/running away/being indignant/angry/sad/upset before one comes to the realization :)

i love Jesus.

i love Jesus 'cos in the that kind of extended period, I get reminded of His anguish at the garden of Gethsemane. lol. i get reminded that discipline (which is a dirty word sometimes in the world) is for growth and there's a purpose for it.
as mentioned before.

there's a purpose behind pain when Jesus is in my life!

:)

i find it amazing that the languages of love have kinda permeated a lot of places.
in the course about establishing intimacy in relationships from the mental health academy, a section of it included that as well.
and i find this interesting:
"Receiving Gifts: tokens or symbols of affection, caring, remembrance, and thoughtfulness. They may be tangible gifts - little (or big) presents that you've found, made, or purchased, given either at a special time or for no specific occasion; or gifts of self - your physical presence in important moments or times of crisis."
--- wow. never realized that the gift of self is considered a gift in the love languages as well. intriguing. i like to give gifts. hahaa. but i never realized that i love others through the gift of self too.
"Quality Time: focused, undivided and uninterrupted attention, despite busyness and business. It is demonstrated in: togetherness - not just proximity, but the simple emotional connection and enjoyment of being with each other; meaningful conversation - sympathetic (not just solution-oriented) dialogue and active listening to share feelings, thoughts, and desires in a friendly uninterrupted context; and shared activities - doing things together that interest one or both of you just in order to create a unique experience and mutual memory."
--> so it's solution oriented dialogue which i find frustrating when i need a meaningul conversation.

so intriguing.
maybe i should go get myself trained in relationship counselling.

yesterday i tried to nap more and see if i can slowly transit into polyphasic sleep in june.
so i napped at 12pm, then i took a nap at 5+pm on the train (which wasn't very substantial 'cos i wasn't leaning on anything, so kept waking up). i tried to take another nap at 9.30+pm (took a long way on the train to ensure that i have seats), but it didn't work 'cos some kid kept knocking on the glass i was resting my head on -.-
and then i wanted to take a nap at 1am, but i majorly fell asleep, didn't even hear my alarm clock. lol. and woke up this morning, once at 5.50am, and the second time at 6.45am. and i was like OH MAN!
needless to say, i was late for school :(
lol.
was a little stoned this morning (prob 'cos i was late for school and didn't have proper time to settle down, and maybe 'cos it was SUPER humid this morning) and by 10+, 11am, i was half stoning and was definitely not as productive as yesterday. lol. or maybe i exerted too much energy yesterday? hahaa. ah well :) took a nap at 12.15pm (after going through some plans with students, i bought finger food and finished it in 5 mins) and experienced time dilation in my dream O.o
i find it interesting dreams are supposed to take part in the rem sleep phase (which is the last stage of sleep), and yet usually when i nap, i have dreams. lol. one of the things that polyphasic sleepers experienced (which i read) is that of being able to go into rem sleep fast during a nap, and proof of that is having dreams.
maybe that explains for why naps work for me! :D
during uni days, when i take a nap at the tables at hq, i will auto wake up after 20 mins. hahaa. if i dun, i'd usually sleep on for another 40 mins. wondering if that'd help me to transit to polyphasic sleep faster.
hmm
anyway
today during my nap, i experienced time dilation. lol. maybe the 2nd or 3rd time in my life? whereby i've only slept for 20 mins, but i felt that i've slept for an hour. lol.
i remembered i had dreams, and that when i woke up, i could remember what the dreams were (i had 2 different dreams). now i can't remember the dreams. lol. but anyway, when i woke up, i sincerely thought tt i've slept for an hour (meaning i thought it's 1pm). when in fact, i checked the time and found it to be only 12:36pm. (which means tt i've only technically slept for 21 mins. i was like O.O!!!
time dilation!
intriguing

i learned a new term today :)
authoritative doubt. hahaa.
advised stance for therapists to take -- encompass both expertise and uncertainty :)

i am still very awake!!!

I'm super intrigued by all the stuff about polyphasic sleep. Basically for polyphasic sleep, instead of sleeping one big block of sleep at night, they sleep for 20-30 mins each (25mins has been tested to be the best) every 4 hrs (so they sleep 6 times a day) and actually stay awake for the rest of the time. This is called the Uberman sleep pattern. There's also another Everyman thingie.. whereby they sleep for a period of time (called the core sleep).. say about 3 hours, and nap for 20-30 mins after 5 hour blocks. so they take 3 naps. This gives them 21-22 hours (uberman) or 19-20hours per day of awake time and actually allows them to do more work.
So an everyman schedule will probably look like this:
Core Sleep: 4-7am
1st Nap: 12-12:20pm
2nd Nap: 5:20-5:40pm
3rd Nap: 10:40-11pm

(interestingly, i did do this before! i slept for 3 hrs, took a nap of 20 mins during lunchtime, slept for 20 mins on the train down to town ard 5+pm.. didn't do the last nap though. hahaa. and i must say, it really caused me to be quite awake).

and an uberman sleep schedule will look like this:
Nap times: 1am, 5am, 9am, 1pm, 5pm, 9pm

The most detailed uberman logs probably came from here where the guy logged in what happened to him everyday. hahaa. there are of course other articles online which doesn't support the polyphasic sleep pattern. like for eg, the long term effects are not known.. though the guy did try this way of sleeping for 5 and a half months. hahaa.

i found the following interesting:
EEG measurements indicate that humans are basically biphasic. There is a single powerful drive to sleep during a subjective night, and a single dip in alertness in the middle of the subjective day. EEG measurements are confirmed by many other physiological variables such as temperature measurements, cortisol levels in the blood, melatonin level in the saliva, levels of other hormones, blood pressure, gene transcription, immune cell activity, subjective alertness, motor activity, and countless other parameters.

which i guess, i naturally fall into as well. i usually sleep one block of sleep (ard 5 hrs, e.g. 2-7am) and take an afternoon nap of 20-30 mins during lunchtime. sleeping for 15mins create a strange effect whereby your dream moulds into the world around you.

i find this pretty interesting. i wanna try the polyphasic sleep patterns! :D during june hols. hahaa. ('cos saw that the first 10 days is for adjustment, and the first 3 days u'd basically be a zombie. LOL). so i can only do this during the june hols :( imagine being a zombie during work. i'd get slaughtered :)

i was pretty awake this morning. for the whole morning. not sure if it's 'cos i was excited about the polyphasic thing, or if it's 'cos of my odd sleep pattern this morning.
i fell asleep (just zonked out) ard 1am. i woke up at 4.30am 'cos i was having very bad cramps :\ and then i fell asleep ard 4.45am ('cos it was too painful to sleep at first) and woke up at 6.15am (just nice 1 sleep cycle). and i'm quite alert and awake now after my lunchtime nap.
oh well :)

will update again if i'm going to try the polyphasic thing :) in the meantime, will build up my self discipline :)

要らない
要らない
要らない！！！

today is my sister's birthday :)
hahahaa
happy birthday to her! :)
just gave her her present. right after she went to bed, right before she slept. lol.
funny girl.
hope she continues to grow too :)

------------------
was observing how one of my male colleagues will be very gentle with little girls that come along his path. so interesting :)
and got reminded about how God created women to nurture when a brother mentioned about his mum.
the power of a nurturing spirit.
i think we need a male counsellor in the school though :) LOL
i told 5 of the boys today that i should call them as my sons. LOL.
silly kids.

i'm not an oyster.
who can open up its vulnerable flesh to the ocean
and allow a sand particle which irritates it
to remain in itself
and turn into a pearl

i feel more like a porcupine
who has shown the underside
and got hurt badly
and now all i feel like doing
is to curl up into a ball
and do the same to others

and i'm engaged in a constant fight
of the choice between loving and loathing
of forgiving and bearing grudges
of ministering and withdrawing
of staying through the pain
and just taking the easy way out of running away

now i can understand why she thought of changing service
now i can understand why they will cut themselves
now i can understand why she just needed company in the night
now i can understand why she was bitter
now i can understand why she could not forgive her for some time

now i understand why certain things were written in certain ways
now i understand why she wanted to leave and run away

not to say that i've won the fight.
hahaha.
i think i'm in denial
and still running away
and still making sense of it
thank God i made decisions previously
in the sane and comfortable state which i was in
i made certain decisions in the case of different scenarios
and i really pray that i will stick by them at this moment:)

and a friend's a friend forever
if the Lord's the Lord of them

once a shepherd, always a shepherd. haha.
(joyce says i'm a loyalist. i dun think so lehhhhhhhh
or maybe i am. hmm O.o
what's a loyalist anyway? o.O)

glad to see that everyone is growing though :)
though I know not and comprehend not fully as to why i'm going through what i'm going through,
with God i know that pain has a purpose :)

i realized that as the day progresses into night, my naps progress from power naps to longer hours of sleep :\ lol

okay :) stopped tap :)
focusing on blessing other pple help :)

wrote this last yr:

i still choose You
when the sun is shining down on me
i still choose You
when the darkness blinds and i can't see
when all i feel
is the burden weighing down on me
i choose You
i choose You to be free

---------------------------------------------------------

'You' - Jaci Valesquez

Who makes
The sun light up my shadows
When the darkness tries to follow me?
Who makes
The air that brings me life
So I can breathe the love that's given to me?

You make evrything good,
Evrything wonderful.
You grace my days
And heaven fills my view.
Let's forever sing.
You make evrything pure,
Evrything beautiful.
You make me see the only thing that's true:
Its you,
Its you.

Who makes
The waters of my sorrow part
And leads the gladness into my heart?
Who makes
The rivers run that wash away
And clean my soul to make a new start?

You make evrything good,
Evrything wonderful.
You grace my days
And heaven fills my view.
Lets forever sing.
You make evrything pure,
Evrything beautiful.
You make me see the only thing that's true:
Its you.

You hung the moon;
You placed the stars that shine your love for me.
I hope all that I do
Will show reflections of you.
All I do, all for you, shine your love through me.

You make everything good,
Everything wonderful.
You grace my days
And heaven fills my view.
Lets forever sing.
You make everything pure,
Everything beautiful.
You make me see the only thing that's true,
Its you, it's you, it's you.
You're everything pure and beautiful.

--------------

need to switch to the logical side for a while.
don't give up!
don't run away!
fix your eyes on Jesus! the author and perfector of love!
look at intentions!
look at the future!

--------------------------------

7 out of 24
and the tears just kept flowing on

sometimes i dun wish my potential to be brought out -.-
at these times i just wish that i won't face any more changes
that i won't have any conflicts
that i won't experience any more pain.
lol.
already daily i experience the pain of others, already i see the jadedness, the grayness, the ugly side of mankind, the sinful nature of human beings, the harshness of life, the unloving and neglectful sides of human beings, the expression of suppressed pain, the insecurity of tomorrow. of bitter tears. of situations that fall out of my control.
and sometimes all i really want
is to love
to be loved
to care
be cared
to see life in a more simplistic and joyful manner
to get reminded of childlikeness, of happiness, of unconditional love, of enjoyable conversations, of a comforting presence, of altruism, of laughter, of sunshine and the sea. of peace.
of hope.

i dearly dearly long to be with my Lord.

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not self seeking. it is not easily angered. it keeps no records of wrongs. love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
it always protects.
it always trusts.
it always hopes.
it always perseveres.
-------------------------------

thank You for the cross
the mighty cross
that God Himself should die for
such as us
and everyday we move into Your image
more and more
Lord by the cross we've truly been transformed

we're so amazed
and we give You praise
that You would save us at such a cost
we're so amazed
and we give You praise
for the power of the cross

--------------------------------

You danced
over me
when i was
unaware
You sing
all around
but i
never hear the sound

Lord i'm amazed
by You
how You love me

------------------------------

In loving memory... a website set up for self-injurers

'Seasons in the sun' - Westlife

Goodbye to you my trusted friend
We've known each other since we were nine or ten
Together we've climbed hills and trees
Learned of love and ABC's
Skinned our hearts and skinned our knees
Goodbye my friend it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that spring is in the air
Pretty girls are everywhere
Think of me and I'll be there

We had joy, we had fun
we had seasons in the sun
But the hills that we climbed
Were just seasons out of time

Goodbye Papa please pray for me
I was the black sheep of the family
You tried to teach me right from wrong
Too much wine and too much song
Wonder how I got along
Goodbye Papa it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
Little children everywhere
When you see them, I'll be there

We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song
Like the seasons have all gone
We had joy, we had fun
We had seasons in the sun
But the wine and the song
Like the seasons have all gone

Goodbye Michelle my little one
You gave me love and helped me find the sun
And every time that I was down
You would always come around
And get my feet back on the ground
Goodbye Michelle it's hard to die
When all the birds are singing in the sky
Now that the spring is in the air
With the flowers everywhere
I wish that we could both be there

concerns.
changes.