i've often mentioned that i'm a sprinter, not a runner. 'cos i can't run far distance... i don't have the stamina to continue on at a constant speed. thankfully, God also make me a walker. i like to walk:) i can walk for a few hours straight if i'm given the time to. people enjoy running. i enjoy walking. i enjoy walking more if i have a destination in mind and i have a rough idea of how to get there. walking is my way of compensating for the fact that i can't run. it's i train up patience and perseverence in a different way. swimming laps is a comfortable activity for me too.
but i can't run.
i think, in a sense, what i can do physically mirrors what i can do emotionally, mentally and spiritually. give me a comfortable task, just slightly more taxing (similar to walking and swimming) and i can go on for quite a long time. give me a more stressful task (similar to running) and i'll do exactly what it's similar to in physical terms, run away. something at the fringe of my comfort zone will thrill me. something beyond my comfort zone will still me. thank God He always leads me one step at a time:)
i spent the whole evening running away from doing IRP related stuff. small things such as coordinating with weiping about the testing, emailing raymond, thinking more in depth about the experimental procedures and what to type in the study description.. instead, i was watching anime, reading up on phonetics and the chinese IPA (okay.. i guess this is related to IRP as well. hahaa) and cleaning up my room, all the time knowing that there's something i'm uncomfortable about, yet not resolving it.
i think the thing is that my decision of wanting to do my IRP has mainly been influenced by the people and circumstances around me.. the data collection at the kindergartens, michelle, weiling and jan doing their fyp, hoping to learn more from dr tan, intrigued by isobel, jitsy and nianying's isms... in a way, the whole idea of dabbling in research appealed to me and lured me to the bait. at the start, doubts and slight fears (i wonder if other people actually feel worried and scared about doing research themselves for the first time. i would think so, right?:) haha) were cushioned and eased mostly by the ongoing lab meetings and the much appreciated guidance from steph and dr tan.. but now that i'm really starting to do more things myself, it just dawns on me that i know so little on the procedures and whatnots.
which i guess, puts me in an excellent position to learn:)
so when i was bathing just now, i was thinking that i can't just base this IRP on the interest in research due to the presence of other people doing the same thing.. i can't base it on the excitement of dr tan in the field of psycholinguistics, or the comforting notion that isobel and seokhui (teo) are doing isms as well... i can't base the desire to do the IRP on other people. i need to personalise it:) i need to think about why i wanna do this IRP, think about the implications and think about what i really want to gain out of this whole experience. Taking proper ownership over it:) just like alpha.
a new perspective. still discovering and building up my love for research :)