i think the good thing about being 25 is that you can continue to dream big for God :) or just to dream :D hahaha.
that's something i think i do quite well - dream.
have lost a bit of my dreams in these 2 years, what with jobs and what nots..
but recently, specifically in june, these dreams have been coming back :D wow. it's only been 28 days since the start of June.
i feel very rejuvenated. and refreshed.
physically tired, but emotionally and spiritually recharged.
found a programme online that allows me to go to work in Japan (though only for 1 yr) :O
approx 3,600,000 yen per annum (!! that's like at least 12K more than what i earn per year), and working for approx 35 hours per week (!! i work for around 45 hours per week!)
I'd have to pay for my own housing though.. and it'd not be in a big city (meaning, no Tokyo. hahaa)
something i can keep in mind i guess :)
i wanna study my japanese language first.

recently it struck me that i have a lot of time on my hands. LOL.
and it also struck me that i can use the time to do things that i like or learn things that i want to learn.
okay. don't ask why it's a realization to me. it just is.
it's like oohhh.. i can actually use this time to learn something i do want to learn, instead of planning for other people, or to help others to learn things they want to learn. wahaha.

so i think, i'm going to take up courses :D
specifically

1) japanese language courses (taking from the start! let me know if you'd like to join me. hee. most probably taking at Ikoma language school :) a little more expensive, but i wanna take all the way (meaning 5-7 years' worth of studying japanese. hahaa). as such, i want a good school. heard they give good notes :)

2) Hope Sem courses. i really enjoyed the hope sem courses i took in the past (OT Survey, NT Survey 1 and 2). maybe cos i really enjoy learning about the Word. hahaha. one of my pathways to God.

think these 2 would keep me rather busy. heh.

oh. i also recently realized (AGAIN) that i'm only 25. my gosh. i feel like i'm 30 at times. like a lot of years have passed since i've started working. at the very least, a lot of things have happened. i'm still not totally mature, but i feel more mature, and more hardworking >_< hahaha.

in the future, i would also want to take up

1) sign language (okay, i do have some fetish about languages. hahaha)
2) piano classes

i've been devouring books too (albeit many graphic novels. hahahaa). about an average of 5 per week (including proper storybooks).
maybe i DO have too much time on my hands? (but it doesn't seem that way leh. hahaha. maybe cos i travel a lot. and i read when i travel). haha.
quite enjoyable period of time :D hope this continues :D

[HQ] Born To Be A Lady - SNSD

I like this song :) maybe cos it's jpop-ish. haha. i like how it's feminine and hopeful. haha

shucks.
wanted to sleep early tonight to have macdonalds breakfast tmr.
now i double i'd wake in time. hahaa

despite my delight in solitude, i still can't stand discussing issues or serious matter over emails or msn conversations. D:
discussions should be done in person!

i realize that i need to get out of the house.
for 2 very practical reasons. haha.
1) to get things done. my planning is primarily done out of house. and done in bright air-con-y places (which made Tokyo a good place for me to be in because of the cold weather). if my room has aircon, it'd achieve the same purpose too i guess :)
2) i relish the time spent alone. haha. it's interesting. i realize that i enjoy the time alone cos it helps me to reconcile my thoughts. and though i'm alone, my thoughts keep on running, so it's rather enjoyable to hear my running thoughts. as well as to read and read and read. and plan. haha

getting bored of my job.
haha.
my mind wanders off in all directions again, thinking of doing things that earn me no revenue.
come on xinying. settle down your wandering mind to practical acts.
let's leave the daydreaming to another sunday

sleepy. haha. the girls only slept at 2.30am (and so did i), and the cold aircon (there were not enough blankets) woke me up. i ended up sleeping in the living room at 5+, feeling uncomfortable with lots of noises around. had to pray before feeling more comfortable and then dozing off, before waking up again at 6.45am cos my girls were up. haha.
but quite free now. the girls and guy are marinating stuff for the bbq later, and the trainer's with them. i'm like sitting in the aircon room slacking away. hahaa. and falling asleep. hahaa.

just spent a day with my students and the vendors :) on TOP camp.
turn out is quite disappointing. one's sick. one's not coming cos had to take care of siblings (??), one has work, one's gone to friend's birthday party -_- one's uncontactable O_o
having quality chats with the remaining ones though. finding out about their family situation, and what they're facing at this moment. at the age of 15-16, these students have seen their fair share of divorce, of having to work intensely during holidays cos of financial issues, of having to worry about family situations such as parents not having any work at all...things like that
hope to have more quality time with them :)

i found myself exclaiming this to ka la a la ma yi on the sunday just past
'i'm already 25! what have i been doing for the last 25 yrs?!?!'
i'm gonna die in about 50 yrs!
D:

Things that I would never be able to understand:

1) the love of God. why did He choose me to love me, to bless me, to help me, to be with me, to desire for me to grow, to desire for me to be in fellowship with Him?

2) the love of parents. despite being annoyed with them at times, why the desire to take care, the bothersome caring and fussing over?

3) the love of brothers and sisters in church. like, erm. we're not even related by blood. but the fact that we're bound by Spirit has caused me to witness love that i've not experienced before. what is friendship when compared to unconditional love shown? who am i to you that you would accept my nonsensical ways and still love me?

4) the love of my friends. haha. i think i know fantastic friends. fantastic people doing fantastic things in their lives. of all people, why choose me as your friend?

5) the forgiveness that i've received from various people in my life. i am truly humbled. that despite the wrongs i've done to people, or the inadequacies i've shown to them, or unfaithful moments, that they forgive me, and sometimes even affirm me.

6) the grace of God. that many a times, despite me doing nothing, or being unfaithful, or doing lots of boo boos, Your grace worked through me (and the fact that You still allowed Your grace to work through me O_o have i not muddled up Your plans enough? and yet, the audacity of me to think that i can meddle up God's plans. haha) that produced beautiful fruit in people. lovely people who desire to love You and desire to be obedient.

7) how people can leave God despite knowing Him.

thank You God, for the people in my life :)
felt protected this month, and much loved and accepted.
people who fought on my behalf, that for one of the first few times, i felt like 'wow, i'm taken care of'

finished persepolis! :D

:)
recently have had the chance to spend time/ talk more with some of my favourite people :D haha.
enjoyable :)
there's a sense of pleasure that wells up within me and stays :) don't know how to express it. all i can say is that it was enjoyable :D

finished 'the screwtape letters' :)
i like the chapter on time. and how we human beings always think that our time is our own, so we got to protect our time.
in fact, we forget that each second is a gift :)
applying back into my life, and i realized that i get more patient with my parents. haha.

organizing my room has become an eternal project. hahahaa.
i wish i can get paid for churning out ideas of things to do. hahaa.

on a more female note, i've recently been using hado labo facial wash (bought from Tokyo cos i forgot to bring my facial wash there. hoho). and i bought Moist Labo Bb Cream (only available in Japan) there as well. i tried both products, and it's been good to my skin! hahaa. especially the bb cream! my mini pimples kinda went down after using it =) hahaa.
sadly, i couldn't buy additional tubes of it cos it was sold out in the pharmacies i went to D:
not sure if it's the additional moisture provided by hado labo, or the effect of the bb cream.
at any rate, i think i'd be using them a little more :D

I watched Jane Eyre today :) caught the 10.30am show at Lido. Was pleasantly surprised to see that Lido has been renovated, and it certainly is classier and much more comfortable than it was before. having said that, combo no.4 (which comprised of a hot dog bun and a drink) was really quite terrible for the price that it asked for.
I liked the movie. quite a bit actually :) I liked the foreboding undercurrents that played through the movie, and the muted colours of the victorian age. i thought to myself about how nice it would be to be in that age, and then upon seeing how they deal with the kids then, i decided that it was good that i was not belonging to that period of time.
i enjoyed Jane's spunkiness and resilience through life and circumstances, and the conversations she has with the people around her. i like her steelness and her stillness, and pretty much enjoyed how the film played out in the end. it was not easy to catch some of the words due to the accent though, and the lack of subtitles were not exactly helpful.
i actually quite like the dynamism between Mr Rochester and her.. and here's a snippet of one of the most critical dialogues in the show (and no, it won't spoil the movie for u.. 'cos the acting out of the dialogue was intricately done, and could only be witnessed properly through the viewing of the movie) and i quite like the dynamism of it.

Rochester: I know you; you're thinking. Talking is of no use, you're thinking how to act.
Jane Eyre: All has changed sir. I must leave you.
Rochester: No. No. Jane do you love me.
[Jane nods]
Rochester: Then the essential things are the same. Be my wife.
Jane Eyre: You have a wife.
Rochester: I pledge you my honor, my fidelity...
Jane Eyre: You cannot.
Rochester: ...my love until death do us part.
Jane Eyre: What of truth?
Rochester: I would have told you the truth.
Jane Eyre: You are deceitful sir.
Rochester: I was wrong to deceive you. I see that now, it was cowardly. I should have appealed to your spirit as I do now. Bertha Antoinette Mason, she was wanted by my father for her fortune. I hardly spoke with her before the wedding. I lived with her for 4 years. Her temper ripened, her vices sprang up, violent and unchaste. Only cruelty would check her and I'd not use cruelty. I was chained to her for life Jane. Not even the law could free me. Have you ever set foot in a mad house Jane?
Jane Eyre: No sir.
Rochester: The inmates are caged and bated like beasts. I spared her that at least. Jane?
Jane Eyre: Yes I pity you sir.
Rochester: Who would you offend by living with me? Who would care?
Jane Eyre: I would.
Rochester: You would rather drive me to madness than break some mere human law.
Jane Eyre: I must respect myself.
Rochester: Listen to me. Listen. I could bend you with my finger and my thumb. A mere reed you feel in my hands. But whatever I do with this cage, I cannot get at you, and it is your soul that I want. Why can't you come of your own free will?
Jane Eyre: God help me.

:)
After Jane Eyre (dun expect an action flick though), i went down to Cineleisure for 2 more movies :X Pirates of the Caribbean, and Kungfu Panda 2 :D Pirates was entertaining with its beautiful visuals (once again), as well as the well planned moves of Jack Sparrow in all his nonsensical wittiness. haha. i liked Kungfu Panda 2's slant towards focusing on his past, of making sense of his past and finding his own identity, as well as the msg of how he may not have come from a good past, but it's what he does in the future that matters more. i like that msg, and i believe it would resonate with quite a few of us as well :)
i also finished the book i was reading "more than it hurts you" (which I've been trying to finish since bringing it to Japan. haha). it touched on Münchausen syndrome by proxy which was new and fresh to me (and a rather scary thought actually). and it does sound like a disorder, to be honest. was interesting :) the writing style was not particularly polished though. thought it could have been wtitten better. it was a gripping subject at any rate :)

singapore makes me miserable

friend posted this on facebook. love the colours and the vibrancy of everything =D

thank God for...
- being able to wake up on time for my flight! actually woke up a few times.. once at 5am (4am Singapore time), and finally at 5.30am to wash up and go off for my flight.
- for the japanese guy who so nicely helped me carry my 27.5kg luggage up the stairs of minamisenju (there was no lift in the south exit!), and then helped me carry it out at ueno before going back into the train again. made me feel so glad after tt. hahaa.
- for my flight seat partner (another japanese)! hahaa. due to the above, i was feeling charitable and helped him a little when i saw him continue to look at his immigration form for a LONG period of time. haha. with my limited japanese, i managed to help him with a few columns before i couldn't :\ but he was a nice seat partner. didn't move much, and let me out whenever i needed to go to the washroom. and he kept to his seat. so even though i had a window seat, i had a lot of room :)
- for the changi airport uncle who helped me lift my luggage onto the trolley! LOL. i couldn't really do it with my packs of stuff on hand.
- for my parents who came to fetch me after a phonecall :D
- for God for being my companion and protector through the time in Japan! :)
- for my cat who didn't shun me when i came back, but just stayed by my side throughout the whole time when i was trying to unpack and sort out my things. hahahaa

heh. actually i'm not tt interested to be the April in Will's life. seems like a role i adopted time and again and it just hurts me in the end.
makes me wonder why i keep adopting this role also. hmmm.
whyyyyyyyyyy

one doesn't fall in love. one rises up to love.
--> i find this expression a more accurate description of the things that love requires you to do. you have to rise up for it. rise beyond your own limitations, your own selfishness, your own plans, your own desires, for the sake of another.

To live one's passion means to be prepared to take a leap out of the comfort zone which is certainly not an easy thing to do. But there is a method which may help you do this easier. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Now think about all the things that you could be doing. You are now looking at the one person preventing you from fulfilling your passion - how do you feel about that?

Many folks "wait for the right timing" before making a leap but there is never a right timing. What these folks are actually waiting for is a "comfortable exit" and there is no such thing. Living a passion is not an easy thing to come by and is only rewarded to those who take risks. Taking a risk willy nilly could be a bad thing but there is such a thing as a calculated risk.

--> yea man. though i believe that there is an actual right timing.. heh. but i also believe that sometimes we miss that right timing because we continue to be fearful of taking that leap. it's a balance between waiting on God for the right timing and taking the leap of faith ba. if it's the wrong timing, and u take a leap, it's not a leap of faith. haha. it's a leap of recklessness. hahaha

Got this from Danny's blog while searching up on Nakano Broadway. Thought this is interesting :)

"As a manager at Amazon, I drew a pie chart that my staff started to call "Danny's Pie" which if you say very fast could be made to sound like "Danny's Oppai."

The pie is divided into three - each piece is 8 hours. Presuming that you work 8 hours and sleep for 8 hours then you have 8 hours remaining which is one slice of the pie. I then start to cut up the remaining piece.
The 8 remaining hours is needed for things like personal hygiene, nourishment intake, health care (very important), cleaning, commuting and other chores which are important in life but generally don't contribute a whole lot to your career or personal development.

If you subtract the time needed for all the above from the final piece of the pie then all you would have left each day is 4-ish hours which you need to use on spending with friends/loved ones, entertainment/recreation and personal development - learning a new subject, beefing up current skills, researching etc.

Now imagine that you spent more than 8 hours at work. In order to do the other stuff, you would either have to sleep less or start to drop some of the other stuff. Some folks with long work hours drop "personal development" which I consider to be crucial to the development of an employee's life, career and well being.

Outside of work and sleep, if you are not getting your 8 hours then perhaps its time do something about it? Could it be the lack of your 8 hours that your Japanese studying is always put on the back burner?"

haha. i shall draw up my pie soon :)

vulnerable

Second day of the trip in tokyo :) starting to get used to the tokyo metro system, though getting around in large stations is still confusing and slightly frustrating for me. haha
i actually quite like the neighbourhood that i'm in, cos it's more sub-urbanish and not so crowded :) so quite few people around. our hotel owner/helper is also very nice.. in that they've been really friendly and helpful. for e.g. i need to transfer room on thursday morning, so need to check out, and then check in again. i wanted to send rachel off at Ueno station and then come back to check out the room, and then go out again, but the owner actually said that he'd pass me the keys to the other room so that i can shift my luggage there, and that in the morning i just have to deposit the key under the shutter for them. in that way, i don't have to come back just to check out (cos originally they only open at 7am, and if i deposit my bag and re-check in, i'd have to come back after 7am to do that since rachel is leaving before 7am) so nice of them.
haven't gone to any museums as of yet. hope to be able to do so after rachel leaves. heh. haven't gone to akiba yet either D: hahaha

enjoying different friendships! haha
can't wait to meet up to share :D

oh, the uselessness of certifications. hahaa

yay! i got my camera batt charged. haha.
thank God that i found it :D glad :)
here are some random photos. haha

Body Shop's having sales now :) bought 4 of these for $10. usual price is 3 for $12.90 :D hee. just nice for my tokyo trip :)




book that i'm reading at this moment :) present from my shepherd. hahaa. she bought one for herself too. hahahaa. i enjoy how each shepherd's different from each other :)


locked in an eternal staring contest:

feeling a little tired.
realized that my tolerance level is going down :(
am now more easily affected by the counselling sessions i have.
starting to be more draining.
on the other hand, there's been a big breakthrough in my hope counselling case. hope to be able to continue to help her with it.
my heart feels weak this morning. things tt happen at home.
and the continuous news of pple dying.
just received the news of a sister's grandpa's death.
weary, but not cynical of life.