I realized that I've kinda neglected my blog for some time.. haha. guess it's been more convenient to actually write things out in the physical format of a diary and living life in real life, rather than typing out my thoughts online :)
could also be cos i've been busy with work and had lesser time to actually update things online. i realized that i've actually come to treasure down-time (times when i don't have to think so much) cos of the fact that i have to continually think and type reports for a period of time. it's as if my brain has decided to burn itself out and is going through a rebellion and refuses to do anything interesting for the rest of the time. hahaa.
i really hope i don't become so dull that i'm not creative anymore.
wanna thank God for how He's been leading me in these few months. also wanna thank God for the people whom He's sent into my life as well :) really treasure these people and feel blessed by having them in my life. like sometimes you wonder, what exactly is it that I did that allowed me to actually have these people blessing my life? :\ like i'm not even a very good friend, yet I have these people in my life. i guess it does urge me to become a better friend. i feel thankful :)

suddenly, I don't quite understand what's going on anymore :|

I'm really tired of working for the sake of working/ for earning money.
I think earning money is important, but I've kinda lost track of the passion behind why I wanted to do what I'm doing in the first place. Gotten a little burnt out and a little jaded. Until it came to a point when my hours are evaluated with regards to the amount of salary I earn.
I feel like my passion had been eroded through the years, that I no longer study/learn because I really want to. I'm not working because I enjoy it (even with all the nonsense paperwork that has to be done). haha. I used to be like this. When I was volunteering/working as a research assistant, I was like 'I will do this cos I enjoy it'.
I worked as an admin assistant for 3 months (totally forgot abt this) typing lists of APA references for the language therapist masters programme in NUS. I don't remember doing it with the amount of dread that I face doing case recordings at the current moment.
passion and interest can buffer a lot of things.
Am re-evaluating what I can do through what God has placed in me that I'm excited about.
Re-evaluating what I should be doing and where I should go :)

polyphasic sleep doesn't work for me :) hahaha.
i crash the next day whenever i try it.
ah well. shall stick to faithful sleeping patterns till i have more time!

I've been wanting to try this out. haha.
am gonna start to reduce my sleeping hours, and converting to a polyphasic sleep. my aim is probably a core sleep of 3 and a half hours, with naps through the day (which is rather possible since i nap when i'm on the bus).
i'm just concerned that it'll affect my alertness and mental speed in solving questions. haha. and i'm slightly reluctant to go through a period of mental fuzziness (according to research, most people go through a period of 2 weeks of adjustment where they experience fatigue and the desire to go back to sleep. after the two weeks, the body adjusts and is able to be of the same state as how it was like before).
i'll be sleeping for quite a long time 7 and a half hours a day for around 3 days, before cutting down the hours to 6 and a half hours. haven't planned out the rest of the nights, but i guess i'll type out how the experience goes along the way :) yay!

today i went to Gotoh sensei's class instead of my normal sensei. it was my first time with this sensei and i didn't know what to expect. hahaa.
at first glance, she didn't look as well-dressed as how japanese senseis would be dressed. in fact, she looked a little out of sorts. hahaa. and her style was rather different from kakihara sensei's.. so it felt slightly off. hahaa.
but through the lesson, i started to understand why her students kept coming back to her class. haha. she's rather quirky! and to be honest, she reminds me of me! hahaa. i really like her energy and her sharing and her making fun of the students in the class and being blunt about things in her life. haha. i really liked her way of talking too (it was japanese! with all its super shortcuts and stuff, and she didn't bother to check if we really understood... though she would add on if she realized we didn't. haha) class was great fun today.. haha. i like kakihara sensei a lot too! but both of them have different styles :)
so fun. hahaha

I've decided to note down my sleeping patterns, in the hope that I can transit to a polyphasic sleeping pattern in the future :) I figured it would be easier for me since my work schedule is rather irregular. Haha. Another reason why I'm doing this is cos I realized that I tend to have a natural inclination towards doing my chores at night (like my body feels motivated to want to clear up my room before I sleep), and that's something that I totally am not motivated to do in the day at all.
Shall see how it goes :)

i think there might actually be more than 4 different forms of love in the world. hahaa.
i would guess that most of the forms of love I experience are under affection and friendship.
there are times when i mistake charity for affection/eros, but at the end of the day, the test of time shows it to be otherwise.
i've figured that even in affectionate love, there exists different forms and degree as well. and what do you call a combination between affection and friendship?

i think sometimes people don't understand that when i give, the friendship that I have with you as a person is already my gift in return. i think sometimes people don't understand the seriousness in which i treat the relationships around me either.

it's interested (and disturbing) to observe how people change in different situations...

Quoted:
"The way I see it with ENFJs, is we need a lot of alone time, but when we are with people, we have to be full force. When we're alone, we're still thinking of people 24/7, but all in the brains. But, I can only hang out with people for like 8 hours before I need a serious break, unlike other extraverts who can be with people 24/7."

yaaaaaaaa

it was interesting today. was choosing a nyonya top and a kebaya (haha. splurging for my drama showcase. and gathering ethnic costumes) at Chinatown OG, and it turned out that the lady manning the nyonya kebaya corner is a peranakan lady herself. so she taught me how to do the brooch for the top, and taught me that i don't have to buy the beaded shoes (according to her, cheapest pair is ard $99), but i can just wear shoes that have kitten heels. so nice :)
she asked what i was using it for, and wanting to come and watch my play (cos she lives at north bridge road, and i told her that the showcase is at textile centre). hahaa. later learned that it was cos she wanted to take a picture of me in the nyonya kebaya and then put up the picture at her corner (possibly to encourage young people to wear the kebaya too. haha). funny chatty middle-aged lady who kept asking me to think carefully when choosing between two kebayas. hahaa.
oh my goodness, but it's super expensive. the ones i got are probably considered relatively cheap... i got a set at $208.80 T_T i can buy 8-10 dresses from Toa Payoh/bugis/blogshops with that amount of money. hohoho.
and go for a trip to bintan twice. LOL
ah well. investments. haha
i told the lady i'll take the photo and pass it to her at her shop once again! hahaa.
what's said out is a promise to be kept :)

if you know that something will never come into fruition, would you still work towards it?

my profile. ha ha ha.
Xin Ying is a counsellor with Fei Yue Community Services, working with ex-prison youth inmates and their families with regards to the inmates' rehabilitation to society. She provides support and emotional counselling to inmates, specializing in anger management and depression. She also mediates between family members and the inmates to resolve deep-seated relational issues. Before this, Xin Ying was working under Ministry of Education as a full-time school counsellor for more than three and a half years, providing psychological and emotional support to the students in the school, as well as to run the responsible thinking programme in the school in which mediation and reconciliation between students and teachers are emphasized, instead of punishment per se.
Xin Ying has been a volunteer with the Hope counselling services under Hope Centre (Singapore) since 2009, with a keen interest in the areas of same gender relationships and depression. She employs mainly person-centred and psychodynamic theories in her therapeutic framework for individual counselling.

i wonder what will happen if my counsellee/former counsellee ends up being in the same lg as me after they transfer over. lol. under ethical terms, i would probably need to declare it and request that they be put in a different lg as me.
that would be interesting.
or maybe i request to be put in a different lg.
that would be interesting too.
tricky situation.

seems like i can't function well when there's any misunderstanding or conflict that occurs in my relating with others. i dislike whatsapp cos clear communication is hard, and the hardest thing is that there's no visual feedback to know how the person feels.
I guess it's still very important for me to know a person, and to make myself known. when either path is blocked, it affects me quite a bit.
sometimes i wonder if it's a good thing that relationships matter to me so much. relationships not just in the sense of like bgr, but really with regards to friendships that i want to build.
of course, i can't possibly build on every friendship that I have, but when I find a person whom I really want to know, that I find is someone whom can potentially be a friend whom i can discuss more interesting issues with, then that's when I really want to build up those friendships. but with desire comes expectations, with expectations come disappointments. at each timing, each person would be at a different stage of expectation towards a friendship, and i guess we can't always impose our expectations on the people around us.
ironically, i've always thought that i seldom impose my expectations on the people ard me. guess i'm in that season of trying to critically cut down on the commitments that i have and focus, and that would include the relationships i have ard me as well. but it's pretty hard to do so.
if i have a choice, i wish i can have free money! hahaa. and spend my days supporting others. that would be nice. 

I only realized what I've been robbed of when we had great praise and worship today. I realized that I've been robbed of my freedom to express who I am as a person due to the criticisms given by other people. And it's been happening over a long period of time.
If what I'm doing does not stumble, and seeks to glorify God, and is due to a difference in preference, then from today onwards, I pledge to defend that right to express and I will not be robbed of the joy in expressing God in the manner in accordance to who God has created me to be.

2 Samuel 6:20-23
²⁰ When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”
²¹ David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. ²² I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”
²³ And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.

The first comment that David returned from dancing wildly before God was that he received a critical comment from Saul. And that comment was due to a perception from Saul. I know not the intention of Saul, and I would think to the others, it would really have seen rather ridiculous at that moment, but I know that God honours David's celebration before Him, and it was not vile, but rather, honoured in God's eyes.

I am surrounded by people vastly different from me, of whom will have different forms of expresssions from me. I don't go around commenting and criticizing other people's ways of worship or praise as I understand that everyone has a different manner. 

But I guess it arises as I would have the tendency to evaluate my own actions before responding to the criticism. so when the timing has passed, it's slightly weird to mention it once again. BUT, I find that it affects me beyond that day, and slowly robs me of the joy in being with God's people, or robs me from enjoying just being myself in the presence of God's people. I get distracted with my actions, and instead, am unable to minister well to others. So I guess, it has to be an area I need to watch out for too.

7 people i regularly contact individually. 8 regular whatsapp groups. 10 clients, 9 with their families. 4 tuition kids. 3 ministries. 3 regular hobbies. 1 Japanese class.
this seems like the pace i'm most comfortable with. haha. crowded enough to keep me occupied, but not too stressed.

i think i have too many introverted friends who are comfortable with not meeting up. after 10 days of being alone, i'm kinda dying. hahaa. i need extroverted friends who can go crazy with me. hahahahaha.

yay. i feel fruitful tonight having settled conference writing and replying Eri on what i'm doing in kyoto.
haha.
just gotta do my reports now. sigh.
becoming the bane of my life.
giving tuition is so much easier than doing reports.

some things are not nonsensical they're just not worth talking abt -_-