Distant dreamer - Duffy

Although you think I cope
My head is filled with hope of some place other than here
Although you think I smile
Inside and all the while I'm wondering about my destiny

I'm thinking about all the things
I'd like to do in my life
I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer
Dreaming far away from today

Even when you see me frown my heart won't let me down
Because I know there's better things to come, woah yeah
And when life gets tough and I feel I've had enough
I hold on to a distant star

I'm thinking about, all the things
I'd like to do in my life
I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer
Dreaming far away from today

I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer
Dreaming far away from today
Yeah, I'm a dreamer

I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer
Dreaming far away from today
Yeah, I'm a dreamer
I'm a dreamer

a person's pupils can dilate for 2 reasons:

love

and

fear

I've just finished reading Neil Gaiman's 'The Doll's house' (volume 2 of the Sandman series). hee.
I find it more disturbing than the first book :\
And more intricately weaved together.
There were a few layers of plots going on concurrently in this story. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the books to find out what's going to happen! and to find some answers to questions I have upon reading this volume.
I find the serial killers' convention especially disturbing O.o

i thought to myself.
will i be able to counsel a rape victim?
and i realized that
i have the basic skills
i have the specialized knowledge in griefing and in basic traumatic reactions.
i can possibly hold the client in the counselling session.
so what am i scared of?
more of the implementation of the therapy i guess :\
i need sharpening of my skills!

there's a part in me that's haunted by the image of the night forest in Avatar.
someday His created will run free in His creation. and He will be with them, tangibly, face to face.
i wonder if Jesus felt severely homesick when He came down on earth...
some music from the movie :)

who in the world decided that black and blue are formal colours?
why can't brown or maroon be used on official documents?
why does the world value the business world?
i like the informal.
i enjoy the in-between warm colours.
and i love the social service sector :)

Have finished 'Flight vol.1' and 'Auralia's colours' :)
Still reading 'Drawing Near'.
i have too many things in my room!

it's interesting how my body has two time clocks.
the wake up at 7+ am time clock (a.k.a work schedule clock), and the wake up at 12pm (a.k.a holiday clock). hahaha.

good morning world! :D

and she asked me.
and i have no answer to give.

:(

oh wells.

---------------

God made males and females differently :)
society socialized males and females differently too :)
hahaa.
and the difference was seen today when we all interacted with Jan's nephew. LOL.
it's interesting :)
i'm glad He made us different though :)

OOOO
i can't wait for the mass dance!! :D

Watching Kimi ni todoke episode 12.
it's quite scary how some females can be so manipulative O.O
my goodness.

i've finished Preludes and Nocturnes by Neil Gaiman :D
i like the story and the lines. cleverly written.
hahaaa
but the back part really quite r-rated >_< very violent and disturbing graphics (cannot read this book after heavy counselling. LOL. it's like having final destination 2 compressed within a few pages :\)
moving on to Flight vol.1 ...

it's gonna be my first time singing in a choir! hahaha
i'm so excited!
amusingly, i'm singing in the tenor section. LOL.

black and gold.
a class of its own.

Smoke without fire by Duffy from the 'An Education' soundtrack!

Another song from Duffy!

i know i'm slow
but oh man
i love the voice of Duffy
hahaha!

---------------
and i really wish people will stop asking me why work starts so early -.-
work starts early 'cos sch doesn't just open when sch reopens for students :P
teachers and allied educators need to PLAN and PREPARE for the YEAR AHEAD.
and pack up rooms.
=.=

...
and we were surprised to hear that he knows about her situation.
and upon enquiry, realized that he called her upon realizing that her msg looked odd, even when she said she was okay.
and she shared about her situation.

'he knows how i'm like', says she.

and even though they're of different genders, it was out of pure friendship love and concern that he called. nothing more. nothing less.

and i thought to myself
'ah. that is friendship.
that one knows another.'
...

so she boiled some hot water,
determined to melt the frozen heart that's hanging by the window sill.
and she poured water over it
once
twice
three times
and saw that the ice around the heart has melted
and carefully
she took down the now warm
and slightly pulsing heart
and put it by the fireplace
determined to keep it warm.
then she thought of a better idea
walking across the road
she knocked on her Neighbour's door
and asked if she could hang her heart
next to the neighbour's.
that her heart would forever be warm and toasty
next to the heart of a fellow friend.

...

朋友之间的默契
不需要一点言语
你会知道我
我会明白你
是最值得珍惜

and i took out my heart
and hung it by the window
and watch it freeze
as winter sets in

and i sit by the window sill
and continue to wait for spring

and

realized that spring is everywhere
except for at the spot
by my window sill.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."
Philippians 4:8 NIV

you desire for what you feed on

that's one thing i caught from reading a few pages of 'drawing near' by john bevere. you desire on what you feed on.
the more you feed on something, in the future, you'd more naturally desire for it.
if i'm always eating ice cream as a comfort food, i'd desire more of it.
if i'm always feeding on the Word of God as my comfort food, i'd desire for more of it when the time comes when i'm upset and distressed.
increase your spiritual appetite for the intimacy of God and His Word by not filling that appetite up with just the intimacy of people and other sources of comfort :)

haha. easy to say.

today God reminded me that
love is not selfseeking

today i had a conversation with God on the cab ride back. it went somewhere along these lines

"God, i'm a human being. my languages of love are physical touch and quality time. and it's kinda hard to have my needs of love met when my caregroup currently consists mostly of brothers. i need human company when i'm lonely."

you can meet your needs in me

"but i can't physically touch you.."

are you subtly holding on to the belief that i cannot meet all your needs?

"okay God. i repent of that belief. i acknowledge that i may have felt that way and have held that belief. but with regards to the love language of physical touch..."

your language of love is the way your soul finds satisfaction and fulfillment in. spend time with me intimately, and your soul will find its fulfillment in me, and your need will be met. have you not experienced times when My presence is so tangible to you that you can even 'physically' touch it? could you not understand that i can fulfill that need of yours from the inside out? nourish your soul through dwelling deeply in My presence.

i dunno if i'm slow. or if i was just stubborn.
but that's a new revelation to me.
not a very pleasant night,
but a rather enlightening one :)

'Is it painful to be the one who waits,
or is it more painful to be the one who makes others wait?'
- Osamu Dazai

:)

i dun like structured fixed oppressive systems
which clamp u up and box u in and dictate tt u have to do certain things.
i also dun like having no boundaries and no leadership and guidance.
so wiffy waffy.

thank God Christianity's not like that.
it's not a list of 'do's and 'don't's
thank God for the freedom in Him :)
freedom within boundaries is true freedom indeed :)

There must surely be some way to work from home!

oooooo
i just remembered that i've yet to get my laptop fixed!
LOL

Something I read in "Jesus I never knew"

"God crucified formed a bridge between our human perception of a cruelly imperfect and indifferent world and our human need for God, our human sense that God is present."

"what the disciples experienced in small scale - three days, in grief over one man who had died on a cross - we now live through on cosmic scale. Human history grinds on, between the time of promise and fulfillment."

knowing the beauty of the world to be, is it any wonder that i dearly long to be with my Lord? :)

finished 'boy meets girl'
moving on to 'drawing near' :)

I finished 'the Jesus I never knew'! (finally O_O)
hahaha :)
went to BLESS bookstore again today to get 'boy meets girl' and 'drawing near'!
my original intention was to get 'how to keep your inner mess from trashing your outer world', but found that it was not very helpful. hahaha :)
saw christian graphic novels and thought of justin and serene! :) hahaa. looks like comics? o_O
reminds me of manga. i kinda miss xxxholic manga :)
-------------

witnessing a fight brought out a fight or flight response in me.
and i realized i was still tense even after getting off the bus.
and i started to wonder if i could really stop a fight if my students get involved in one.
maybe i should learn how to prevent/stop fights.

xinying decides that the thinking mode has been on for too long.
she will now be decisive and do things.

and after expression, the madness ends.
maybe i should pick up painting :)

restless.

and it's starting to feel like a replay of last year's december season.
with different interesting circumstances.

This was typed into my handphone on 13th december (12:12am):

The unpredictability of life throws me offguard at times. An unexpected email, or a shocking sms. Things in life don't necessarily flow in a linear manner. Things in life don't naturally follow certain social expectations we have.
Some of these things merely surprise me. Some shock me. Some cause me to be disillusioned. And there're yet some that cause me to feel bitter towards the people involved.
I guess at the end of the day, what i carry away from all these things, is a keen awareness that there're many things beyond our control, and that human beings can fail us.
I'm not being disillusioned now (though i may have been for a while).
I carry the hope and gladness, to know that my God's character is unchanging; that His love is unwavering; that His promises hold true, and that He carries me with everlasting arms.

You know you have a cold when the air smells fresh to you...


even when you're standing beside a rubbish chute.

my mum says that i'm getting more and more forgetful.
lol
she asks if i'm too stressed.
hahahahaha
so funny.
i dun think so leh O.o
but i do agree
my memory's failing >_<

oh God
the torture of not being able to wash my hair!
but yar.
can see the effect of water on my hair :X
yesterday i let the tips of my hair touch water
and today
the texture is DIFFERENT
oh man
LOL

bringing Christ to my home
bit by bit :)

There're times when i wonder if i should give Chi away.
since i'm allergic to Chi.
lol.
but i like Chi! :(

--------------------------------------------------
Psychological causes of depression in women

* Coping mechanisms - Women are more likely to ruminate when they are depressed. This includes crying to relieve emotional tension, trying to figure out why you’re depressed, and talking to your friends about your depression. However, rumination has been found to maintain depression and even make it worse. Men, on the other hand, tend to distract themselves when they are depressed. Unlike rumination, distraction can reduce depression.
* Stress response - According to Psychology Today, women are more likely than men to develop depression under lower levels of stress. Furthermore, the female physiological response to stress is different. Women produce more stress hormones than men do, and the female sex hormone progesterone prevents the stress hormone system from turning itself off as it does in men.

enstranged

it's ironic
to have an intellectual
who is cognitive in nature
and likes to use affective intervention.

that's me.
i'm an irony.

God Of My Forever by City Harvest Church

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me over
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

God of my forever and forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever and forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for you has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Forever and ever
Jesus You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

Again, from the book
"J.R.R Tolkien, perhaps this century's greatest creator of fairy tales, often faced the charge that fantasy is an 'escapist' way of shifting attention away from the pressures of the 'real world'. His reply was simply:
Everything depends on that from which one is escaping. We view the flight of a deserter and the escape of a prisoner very differently." Why should a man be scorned if, finding himself in prison, he tries to get out and go home?"

desiderio domini.
i dearly long to be with my Lord.

Saw this from 'The Jesus I never knew':
the author quoted from M.Scott Peck, who quoted from an old priest who spent many years in battle:
"There are dozens of ways to deal with evil and several ways to conquer it. All of them are facets of the truth that the only ultimate way to conquer evil is to let it be smothered within a willing, living human being. When it is absorbed there like blood in a sponge or a spear into one's heart, it loses its power and goes no further." and he goes on to say that
"the healing of evil - scientifically or otherwise - can be accomplished only by the love of individuals. A willing sacrifice is required ..."

earlier in the book, it says
"in a sense, the paired thieves present the choice that all history has had to decide about the cross. Do we look at Jesus' powerlessness as an example of God's impotence or as proof of God's love?"
and to end the chapter, Philip Yancey wrote
"Power, no matter how well-intentioned, tends to cause suffering. Love, being vulnerable, absorbs it. In a point of convergence on a hill called Calvary, God renounced the one for the sake of the other."

I found this to be a reminder of how God's love is not lovey dovey, easy love. It's a sacrificial, love your enemy, life changing, world altering sort of love.
it's a love that loves unloveable people.
which makes it so hard to follow!
Sometimes it's so much easier to assert power. rather than to restrain and love.
Got to constantly remind myself.
God is just.
He will be my judge.
At the end of the day, I have to account to Him for my actions.
Not the actions of people around me.
Self accountability.

I just rebonded my hair!
LOL
i don't even know what sort of rebond it is.
soft rebond? :)
haha
the salon lady told me not to wash my hair for 2 days!
how do i tahan not washing my hair for 2 days? O.o
and i read online that i've to take care of my hair to make sure it's continually straight and what nots.
i look at my chor lor nature and wonder how that's gonna happen.
haha :)
oh wells :)
it's a good place for reading though!

hahaha :)
recently been watching kobato.(newest work from CLAMP! yes. the fullstop is with the name. hahaa) and kimi ni todoke :)
lighthearted anime! :D
here's the song from kimi ni todoke:

tanizawa tomofumi - kimi ni todoke -

Lyrics:

やさしい日だまりに　チャイムがディレイする
ほほをなでる風　息吹は深くなってく

遠まわりの涙　名前つけた明日
重なる未来色のライン

あどけないこんな気持ちも
はじけ飛ぶほど笑い合えた日も
大切に育てていけるように
とぎれとぎれの時を越えて
たくさんの初めてをくれた
つながってゆけ　とどけ

放課後の夕闇　笑うきみの背中
ひそかなささやき　触れたことのない想いの中

僕の中のきみと　きみの中の僕で
絡まる未来色のライン

雨上がりの街の匂いと
夢みたいな秘密を胸に抱いて
何度も泣きそうになってまた笑う
考えるよりずっとはやく
その胸に飛び込めたらいい
つながってゆけ　とどけ

何よりも大事なきみの前で
傷つかないように大事にしてたのは　そう自分
その一言がもしもサヨナラのかわりになってしまっても
ありのまま　すべて

あどけないこんな気持ちも
はじけ飛ぶほど笑いあえた日も
大切に育てていけるように
ほんの少し大人になってく
君になりたい僕を超えて
つながってゆけ
今すぐきみに
とどけ

yasashii hidamari ni chaimu ga direisuru
hoho o naderu kaze ibuki wa fukaku natteku

toomawari no namida namaetsuketa ashita
kasanaru mirai iro no rain

adokenai konna kimochi mo
hajiketobu hodo waraiaeta hi mo
taisetsu ni sodatete ikeru you ni
togire togire no toki o koete
takusan no hajimete o kureta
tsunagatte yuke todoke

houkago no yuuyami warau kimi no senaka
hisoka na sasayaki fureta koto no nai omoi no naka

boku no naka no kimi to kimi no naka no boku de
karamaru mirai iro no RAIN

ameagari no machi no nioi to
yume mitai na himitsu o mune ni idaite
nando mo nakisou ni natte mata warau
kangaeru yori zutto hayaku
sono mune ni tobikometara ii
tsunagatte yuke todoke

nani yori mo daiji na kimi no mae de
kizutsukanai you ni daiji ni shiteta no wa sou jibun
sono hito koto ga moshi mo sayonara no kawari ni natte shimatte mo
ari no mama subete

adokenai konna kimochi mo
hajiketobu hodo wara aeta hi mo
taisetsu ni sodatete ikeru you ni
honno sukoshi otona ni natteku
kimi ni naritai boku o koete
tsunagatte yuke
ima sugu kimi ni
todoke

(on a random note, found this on my media tracker O.o i don't remember listening to this song.. maybe someone sent me the link? O.o heh. it's a mel-ish hopeful song. here goes:)

美しきタ暮れBeautiful Dusk - Nodame Cantabile OST

Friendships have such great healing power :)
hahaha.

it's december again :)
and i can remember last december quite vividly :)
i can recall of the things i was disappointed, worried, sad about.
as well as the times of happiness and joy.
i recall vividly the carolling.
i recall of things that people said.

and it's december again :)
so much has changed.
ministry is dynamic.
ministry makes people strong hearted! :)
God strengthens people :) and changes people.

security in God changes perspectives :)

and so i spent 3 hours thinking, wanting to do substantive things, but not doing so.
just thinking and pondering.
and then i moved to clear rubbish from my room.
and sat down and thought again.
and though i know i should sleep soon.
sleep which is tugging at my sleeves is unable to pull me away from the weight of my thoughts.
why am i so disturbed by it?
'cos it reminds me of things which are unpleasant.

... feels like a betrayal of some sort, though it's nowhere near one...

continually trusting.
i wanted to flee,
but i remembered tenderness.
i wanted to hide,
and remembered the patience shown.
so then i choose to trust.
and not to run.
but to desire to believe
in God's sovereignty.

His love allay my fears.

: )
i find it interesting to read past entries and observe differences.
hahaa.
you know. i've always thought that i'd do a lot of psych modules on personality differences and in the area of cognitive psych.
in the end, i never did any much modules in these areas..and instead developed developmental psych. lol :)
i never thought that i'd end up back in the school setting, but i did.
i never thought that i'd ever have a cat, but i do :)

xinying doesn't like cramps.
but she quite like B.L.E.S.S bookstore :D
it's a bookstore at kovan :D
and i've got a direct bus there ;)

and it feels like

i'm digging through
inches
and inches
and inches of snow.

and all i wanna do is to
drop the shovel
and walk back
into the warm hut
and hide inside.

maybe it's just the wrong weather to walk outside.
i'll wait till spring.
or maybe i'll just stay in the hut and not come out forever.

the one question that my female friends have been asking after breakups

"Can you tell me why does it seem like it doesn't affect him at all?"

and when i answer, i usually try to bring in the guy's perspective
but there're times when i wonder
why am i defending the other sex?

the feminist in me strikes.




ding.

/and it gets more painful to hear that out of fellow sisters in Christ/

...
and then you walk
and then you frustrate
and then you forgave
and reached the door
to what goes beyond
and opened it
to realize
that all that awaits you is but a void
and staring at the void
you wonder
why in the world did you ever walk in this path for so long
just to realize that there is nothing there
and you wonder
why did you not just walk in the other path
and save yourself the frustration and the need to forgive
...
morning melancholy.

I've been thinking..
that it'd be nice to provide a foster home.
either for fostering children...
or for fostering animals.
or both :)
lost things do create a burden in me afterall :)

lost things.
and people who're hurting.

i love my chi 'cos she's got green eyes =)
then i asked myself. will i still love her if she has yellow eyes?
hahaa. i dunno if i will love her as much. LOL.
so sad ah. just because of an eye colour difference :)
but i guess as human beings we have preferences?
hahaha.
that's why we're attracted by some things, and not others.
but chi is so cute =)
and i really prayed for her eyes to be green instead of yellow. LOL.
I realized through GC.. (it's just one of the side things...) that there are certain traits of being melancholic which affect my preferences.

1) preference of having certainty in things.. this'll affect the kind of job i want, the need to do up appointments, the natural desire to plan. hahaha. but i guess along the way, through interactions with others, i'm learning to be able to deal with uncertainty, and to even enjoy it as uncertainty comes :)

2) i prefer to think about possibilities in the future. dunno if this is a mel trait though. hahahaa. this includes morbid possibilities of dying and meeting with accidents. hahaha. ah wells :)

you know.
till now i seldom experience times when i'm not thinking about something.
hahaa
stoning is a foreign word to me.
and usually happens only when i'm so tired i can fall asleep whenever i close my eyes a little longer than 2 seconds :)

GC was great :D

1 is better than 4.

when 4 comes... and turns to never.. it hurts.
and sometimes tt hurt can be so deep, that it'll potentially turn to bitterness.
praying for the people involved :\