Recently have been thinking about quite a lot of stuff. including, but not exclusive to, families (in general), marriage (no. i'm not thinking about getting marriage. just the topic of marriage in general), relationships (including bgr, friendships, relationships between brothers and sisters..), ministers, revival, passion, taking care of children (in part due to taking care of chi, who is like a child...), future direction, personal growth, ministry, studies..
quite a myriad of items.
Made a few decisions which could potentially affect my ministry and career, though it may not. In a sense, I'm glad there's a small resolution to this uncertainty for half a year, in another sense, I still wonder if it's the right choice to make.
But I'm sure God will make it certain, seeing how He's delivered me through all the different stations in my life.
My relationship with God is very similar to David's (i find). No, I'm not a shepherd boy. No, I'm not called to be a king. But I identify with David in his madness for God. I understand how it feels to be unashamed before the Lord, dancing before Him with abandon, against the odd views of other people. I identify with David's psalms, his anguish, his sorrows, his exuberance, his exaltation of God. I have tasted a little bit of how David feels when God delivered Him, when God gave him victory over his enemies, a little bit of the anguish he feels. Emotionally, I've tasted the extreme high and the extreme low. And the haste in which they come and go.
Psalm 73 used to be a psalm which speaks very much into my heart. I used to identify with it quite well. The whole psalm in fact. lol. Now not so much. We all grow from glory to glory, and so I've moved on as well.
But some verses which always stay with me/I remember well are verses 21-26
"When my heart was grieved,
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me into your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
Amen.
And alongside the verse, I'll remember of how the same words I've told Joycelyn in the past reminded me of this truth when she shares why she does things...
that God will never shortchange me in what I do.
He won't shortchange you too.
And I always remember of how in the bible, God keeps the tears that we cry in a bottle. (Upon much searching, I realized that I first read this verse in the new living translation bible that I have.. it's not in NIV.. so presenting to you.. the NLT version)
Psalm 56:8 (NLT)
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
What a personal God we have!
And that is, I guess, part of the reason that allows me to continue on. Knowing that I'm working hard for my taps in heaven (eternal rewards), loving God back out of His love or me, knowing that I can never outgive God (remembering the story of the little girl who exchanged fake pearls for real ones..) and knowing that all that I go through is recorded (He remembers, He's written them down.)
Sometimes it hurts.
Sometimes I wonder why I must do certain things.
Sometimes I look back (though the bible did say that those who look back are not fit for Christian service. hee.)
Sometimes I deliberately, defiantly ask God to go away and not to bother me.
Sometimes I get tired and don't feel like doing anything.
Sometimes I just want to be left alone.
We all feel this way... sometimes.
But at the end of the day, yetI am always with God. He holds us by our right hands, never letting us go.
It's just whether we know He's there or not.