Something I got from Christine
Something She got from Jacq.
I think it conveys very raw thoughts and emotions :)
here it is:

i miss u. i miss the times when we spent tgt. i miss ur undivided attention. i miss those days where i am always placed first. i miss those days where u would do anything for me even to the extent of pain. i miss those days where u would just say u love me, me only. i miss u. i miss u dearly. i cant help but to suppress my desire for u. i yearn for the touch u gave and the days where the world is jus revolving between u and me. these times spent is irreplaceable.

i never wanted to live so badly.

i can only say it is gone. i can only say i choose not to have u. i am having intense regret for the pressured decision made. i chose to walk out on u, i chose to avoid u, i chose to just live in pretense. T.T i doubt ur existence.

i stopped living. i cant celebrate with u when u had victory nor can i smile at u to say u did it. i chose to turn away from u. i chose. the choice i made had put me in great misery and had turned me into an emo-tian. pain is an understatement of what i am feeling; i can only feel-- NUMB.u never fail to surprise me and move me with ur deeds. i always feel belonged each time i am embraced. but all these are GONE, GONE, GONE.

when u are gone, my heart's misses u.
when u are gone, my mind's failling too.
when u are gone, my world came crashing thru the day.
when u are gone, i think i will never be okaes.


BUT..i'm glad i made this choice.i'm glad i din go on further. i'm glad i chose to stop. i'm glad u just got cast away. for i never knew what could be in place if i hadnt choose this way. i was almost ruined when all seemed to be the end of me. there was no turning back but i am thankful i am found once again. it is his grace that pulls me thru the day. saying to rehab is a torture for addicts but to abstain is a breakdown for me (pulseless). everyday was the yearning for the touch, the attention, the words, the call-- just yearning for u. wonder if drugs are ever as strong. but each day passes with a new beginning and i am glad i was bleached with grace. i am grateful for the life i was given.

i never wanted to live so badly.

in all paradise...truth prevails.escapism is never a backdoor. u can run but u cant hide. light rays jus shine to judge. when it is day, shame never fails to be around. i took forever to lift my head high and again. i cant seem to hear what he had to say. all i am clothed with is disgrace. wretch and whore, i cant seem to find a line. i am all tt it describes. how did i ever fall into this route? i cant hear him anymore, dun even mention a whisper, i cant hear him at all. is this the end of my life?

i never wanted to live so badly.

salvage a worthless piece-- impurities.when all seem lost and life is tossed, i finally hear a whisper, i finally see a beam. i can never understand how life can be so free. i am not chained i am............. FREE! confession is pain but forgivenes is sane! it does exist! it does say u may live, it does say u are free. i can breathe again. i can feast with saints. i dun feel condemned, i dun feel ashamed. not anymore. i can re-live. i can express freedom once again.

i never wanted to live so badly.

BUT with the expense of someone whom i never knew loved me this much. the scarred hands gave me a second chance. the scar that serves as a yardstick for the rest of my life. and now... these scars in me allows second chance for many who are like me. it is time to hear tt whisper, it is time to see that beam. it is time u say,

i never wanted to live so badly.