i hate to say this.. but i'm a little stuck in helping to resolve unresolved grief from the past.
limited in my use of psychoanalysis and gestalt therapy.
ah!
i need more training!

i forgot that these are the people whom i love dearly as well :)

I believe in education and knowledge.

Saw this in my online course about 'burnout and self care'!

Stressors uniquely associated with counselling and other similar roles include:

* Maintaining concentration, discipline and skill. This intensity is rarely understood by others not working in the field.

* The high level of continuous output of energy. (i concur!)

* Issues are often intense, painful and sometimes irresolvable.

* Role expectations of counsellors are often out of proportion to what is reasonably achievable.

* Limited organisational support for counsellors. (amen!)

* Feelings of isolation and having expectations placed upon them. (sadly. yes.)

* Feeling inadequate and having self-doubt when outcomes are achieved.

(Potter, 1987)

disillusionment is good!
it breaks illusions and brings the truth :)

Don't Quit.

Don't quit when the tide is lowest
For it's just about to turn
Don't Quit over doubts and questions
For there's something you may learn
Don't quit when the night is darkest
For it's just a while 'til dawn
Don't quit when you've run the farthest
For the race is almost won
Don't quit when the hill is steepest
For your goal is almost nigh
Don't quit, for you're not a failure
Until you fail to try.
- Author unknown -

i feel old.
not jaded.
more of old.
i can identify with the Asako sensei in Gu Gu the cat.
i can identify with her smiles, her silent observation of life, and the acceptance of it all.
am i disinterested in human beings? hardly.
maybe i am disillusioned.
ha.
that will be new.
maybe i'd become a cynical old lady who sees deteriorative state of humankind and sigh.
and look daily to the warm embrace of her Lord.
the One who will make promises and keep them.
the One who's faithful to the end.
the only One who's faithful to the end.

it suddenly feels as if i have too much time on my hands...

i am
slightly hesitant towards the change.
slightly disappointed.
slightly apprehensive.

i will miss the times with jan and ellson! :(

i am also
slightly excited!
haha :)
hope i do a chance to do what jan mentioned.
hehe.
he said 'you may have to..'
but i'd be more than willing to! HAHAHAA

:)

i trust You God.

In my nap today,
I experienced hypnagogia hallucination today when I took my nap, both before and after the nap. Lol. It’s not the first time I experienced it, but in previous incidents, I didn’t quite know what they are. As such, I never gave much thought to it.. It’s only today that I read about the term and knew what they are.
This is from wikipedia:
“Hypnagogic imagery is often auditory or has an auditory component. Like the visuals, hypnagogic sounds vary in intensity from faint impressions to loud noises, such as crashes and bangs (exploding head syndrome) People may imagine their own name called or a doorbell ringing. Snatches of imagined speech are common. While typically nonsensical and fragmented, these speech events can occasionally strike the individual as apt comments on – or summations of – their thoughts at the time. They often contain word play, neologisms and made-up names. Hypnagogic speech may manifest as the subject’s own ‘inner voice’, or as the voices of others: familiar people or strangers. More rarely, poetry or music is heard. “
I experienced snatches of speech. Both times. Voices will arise all around me, different tones and different textures and start to discuss (though what the discussion was on, I don’t quite remember. Hahaa).
And the song “To build a home” by Cinematic Orchestra was playing in the background when I was half way in between being awake and being asleep. I only remember the song, and originally thought it was by Coldplay. It was only after checking with Justin that I got the song title. Lol.
Interesting experience.
And yes, I miss napping!

You must sleep sometime between lunch and dinner, and no half-way measures. Take off your clothes and get into bed. That's what I always do. Don't think you will be doing less work because you sleep during the day. That's a foolish notion held by people who have no imagination. You will be able to accomplish more. You get two days in one —well, at least one and a half, I'm sure. When the war started, I had to sleep during the day because that was the only way I could cope with my responsibilities. ~Sir Winston Churchill

I just washed Chi! :D
Recently she's taken to the habit of going out of the house when I come home, roll around in the dusy outside the house and then come back in (to the horrified faces of me and my mum).
lol.
and she's made it a daily ritual too.
so i decided to wash her today! :D yay.
now her hair is nice and fluffy.
hahaha
interestingly, she didn't struggle or scratch me
she merely stood around and wondered why the door was closed
and then stood around and sniffed around as i used the showerhead to shower her down. LOL
yay :)

went to trim my hair today 'cos i couldn't quite stand the long fringe. hahahaa.
and the frayed ends due to water washing away chemicals after rebonding :X
haha.
thinking of doing soft perms ard the hair ends, maybe in June or something.
yay!
or maybe longer.
wanna grow out my hair.
i wish it'd grow faster.
HAHAHA.
i saw this lady with beautiful hair today :)
if long hair and perms doesn't work, i'd prob cut it short again.
hohoho

Finished 'Read through the wind'! :D
it's a book about a girl's life in the 1900s.. how she was originally a child of the streets, surviving, and how one day her life was turned around due to an accident that happened (she got kicked by a horse), and how she was subsequently brought into a reverend's household. The reverend took care of her till she grew older, and the story follows her as she ran away from home after being coerced by a guy to run away with him, and the life that follows thereafter. The book shows us her demise into dreaded circumstances and fundamentally deals with the themes of desire (for a lover, for a child), trust (in God's character) and the loss of it.
Not exactly a very excellent read, but was refreshing enough to see how the bible verses are brought out in the life of her. The book also showed the girl (Kassandra) dealing with questions of whether God's forgiveness and grace extends to her in these circumstances and is a keen reminder (to me) of how God's grace extends beyond our sins (and how there are people who genuinely love you for who you are, despite what happened in your life :)
If I have to put it on a scale of 5, I'd give it a 3 :)

Feeling nauseous this morning after waking up, but not to the extent of really puking, so decided to go to school.
my other counsellor said i looked awful today. lol.
Was developing a bit of temperature yesterday night, but thought that sleeping it off will be okay. Slept it off (my temperature is gone), but woke up feeling generally not that well.
And the thing is, I don't think it's attributed to stress. hahahaa.
jialat.
i don't feel particularly stressed out. hahaa. just normal. and i'm in good self esteem. hhahaa.
and i've been sleeping enough these few days too.
hmmmm

I also realized, that it's so much easier to absorb/read than to produce words. lol.
currently reading the S.H.A.P.E book, a book called 'Speak through the wind' by Allison Pittman (I dun usually read fiction nowadays.. bought this book on Doulas when it was dorked in Singapore previously) and On solitude by Michel De Montaigne. lol.
why am i typing these titles out?
so that whoever wants to borrow will know that i have them and can thus borrow from me. LOL!

the disturbing question of what kind of influence would i want to make came back to me today during the counsellors awareness briefing today. lol.
you know. i am currently 24.
that means 24 years of my life have passed!
assuming that i'd live to around 70.. that'd mean that i only have 46 years left.
that's very little! ahhhhhhhhhh!
and what if i die earlier than that? lol
like at 27? that'd mean i have 3 years left!
Jesus influenced a lot of people during his 3 and a half years of ministry.

heh.
i guess the reason why i brought this up was also 'cos i realized there are different areas which i can potentially invest my life and time in, and these are good areas... but i'm wondering if i should. i need to specialize.
for a long period of time, i wondered why i needed to specialize. hahaha. i felt that there are different areas of interest, and the notion of specializing felt like we're limiting ourselves to just some things in life when potentially, if we stretch ourselves, we can do more.
i still believe that we can potentially do much more if we stretch ourselves, but i came to a realization (while thinking about things on the bus ride home) about the importance of specialization (which may have been obvious to some, but was not that obvious to me) that it helps us to be more effective and excellent in what we are doing.
jack of all trades, master of none.
if you can be a master of some, that'd be great.
but if not, be at least a master of one.
being faithful with the one that's been given to you, and more will be given to you.
that's a reminder that struck me recently too.
haha.

also got reminded that as we disciple people, we're influencing them as who we are. hahhaa.
hmmmm. i do enjoy shepherding people. heh. primarily 'cos it's in my comfort zone. hohohoho.
but also 'cos there's just something that feels joyfully satisfied after a shepherding session (regardless of how the session went). hahaa. which is different from a counselling session :D LOL.
i was just sharing with michelle that my spiritual gifts and my heart seems to coincide nicely with my job scope and my strengths. lol. glad :)

i realized that i'm just over the adjustment phase in the workplace.
hahaa.
whenever there's any huge changes in my life, i take ard 6 months to adjust to it. then there'd come a day when i can feel a switch (literally) in myself, and that's when i know i'm past the adjustment phase.
when i'm past the adjustmnet phase, there's an increase in energy in the group/place that i'm in, i've managed to make sense of my purpose in that place, and i'm able to manage things as part and parcel of my daily life.
kinda like it's been accepted into my life. lol
interesting to feel the difference :D

"When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened."
John M. Richardson Jr.

xinying gets bored when the conversations remain shallow.

Started another blog! :D
http://anormalhumanbeing.blogspot.com/