today i went to the sistic outlet at raffles city with the intention of purchasing tickets for 'the pickle king' to watch with steph and kexi. i went to the basement of raffles city to withdraw money so as to pay for the tickets, then i went to the sistic counter. Instead of seeing a human being behind the counter, i saw a human being in front of the counter looking at the available brochures, as well as a sign on the counter stating the opening hours. i was there at 8.24pm and they closed at 8pm.
thus, i went to toa payoh and was thinking if i should catch the movie 'the illusionist'. i decided that i will watch the movie only if there's a showing at 9+pm and i could catch it in time. i shall not watch any other movies. upon depositing some money into my bank account, i proceeded to the entertainment center. saw a newly opened beads shop selling you-know-what and went up to look at the movie timings.
i couldn't find 'the illusionist' at all :(
After which, i decided that i'll use the time to stock up on food in my house just in case i get hungry. walked past lots of shops with selling clothes and walked past lots of food. One glance and i walked away. clothes and food didn't hold much appeal for me tonight. went to the supermarket, walked around and i realised that nothing in the supermarket held any appeal for me either. pasta, instant noodles, instant porridge, facial wash, chocolates, dars chocolates, old jamaican, chips, even mashed potato...
went to popular instead. that's where my interest started to pipe up. went to get art materials to do some stuff. in the end, i spent more money on the art supplies than money that could have been spent on the movie ticket:S
but i realised something:) i realised that i get quite excited if what i'm doing is for somebody else, rather than for me. or even in the case of what i'm getting. i'm happy when i'm buying stuff for someone else, but i'm not that happy when i'm buying stuff for myself:)
and of course, i was quite delighted when i figured it out=]

As of today, it's our last service together as a cg. In a way, i'm glad 'cos it means that the cg will be smaller in the future, which means that it's cosier and people will be able to form deeper relationships with each other. it also means that the careleader won't be so taxed (i hope. haha)
on the other hand, still sad 'cos it's the last cg. well. i've changed my careleader for 6 times before. this shall be the 7th! nice number. haha.

Going to school by 9 or 10am everyday for 5 days in a row is taking its toll on me. I start to feel sleepy at around 12+ (which isn't very effective considering that i usually only reach home at 10+pm) and though i do my best to sleep sufficiently per day (around 7 hours), it doesn't seem to work! I feel more lethargic and unmotivated during the day. hahaa. How i wish i can shift my timetable back by 2 hours. i feel more energetic sleeping at 3 and waking up at 10am. blah. hahaa.
watashi wa tottemo nemui desu.
Went to watch Pan's Labyrinth today:) Think i had a high expectation of it and Pan's kinda didn't meet my expectations. It could be that i was expecting something, and it gave me something else:) I love the music though. And the cinematography. And the smoothness in-between shots. So beautifully weaved together. Was hoping for more of the fantasy part. haha. but it has more of the war elements. ah well :)
Kind of reminds me of people. Like how we have certain expectations of different people, and when people don't fulfill the expectations, we get disappointed. The thing is, people are variables and they're all uniquely themselves... they're not puppets who are always the same throughout. Don't assume you know the person totally. you don't :) By denying a chance for a person to express this change in his behaviour, thoughts, control in emotions etc, that's like denying the fact that human beings are mouldable and can change for the better or worse. Everything is possible with God. Only God sees the person's true emotions, thoughts and actions. only God is constant in His character. Of course, we do our best to get to know each other deeper as well:)

i'm constantly amazed by the reality of bible in everyone's everyday life - from studies to business.. it applies so vividly=] it's just whether we let our pride get in the way of learning from the Word of God. if indeed it is the Word of God, then we should really look to the Word and to God and stop looking at ourselves. here's something i got in today's daily mailing list i get=]
------------
"Let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'."

I'm sure you know some people who won't take no for an answer. They're boundary busters who have no respect for other people's personhood.
Healthy boundaries are to protect ourselves from toxic people, from controlling and manipulating people, from con artists, from abusive people, from people who can hurt or use us for their own ends, and so on.
External boundaries are needed to protect our physical well-being. Nobody has a right to come into our space, get into our face, or touch us without our permission.
Internal boundaries are to protect our feelings. Nobody can upset us, hurt our feelings, make us feel guilty, ashamed, afraid, or angry without our permission. This is why we need good internal boundaries.
Boundaries are not walls. Boundaries allow the people in that we want close to us. Walls shut everybody out. Boundaries are also needed to contain our own "badness" so we don't hurt others.
Without healthy boundaries, people will walk over us, use us, or abuse us and we will end up feeling angry, upset, hurt, and maybe even wallow in self-pity. What other people do is their responsibility. What we allow them to do to us is our responsibility. This is why we need healthy boundaries without which it is impossible to recover, grow, and live meaningfully.
Furthermore, without the freedom to say no our yeses are meaningless.
Read the life of Jesus in the gospels for a good example of healthy boundaries. Nobody ever controlled, manipulated, or did anything to Jesus without his permission—including his parents once he became a young man.

Koped this from jitsy's blog! did this before, but ah well. just a short and quick one! Instructions from jit's blog:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to question even if it doesn't make any sense.
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.
--------------------------------------
1. How are you feeling today?
'Don't pass me by' - Planetshakers.
- my heart it longs, my soul it thirsts for more, for more of You, 'cos all i want is You and all i need is You be with here with me-

2. Will you get far in life?
'From this moment' - Shania Twain.
eh. okay? haha. - from this moment, life has begun?- Everyday is a new day with God. lol=]

3. How do your friends see you?
'One sided love' - Mandy Moore
Wah. so sad. one sided love from me or from them? LOL.

4. Will you get married?
'Choice of gentleness' - S.E.N.S
it's not even a song. hahaa. what does a choice of gentleness mean? O.o Maybe it means i'll look for a 'yasashi (gentle)' husband! cough. or i choose to be gentle on myself. lalala. such nonsense in 3 mins of typing.

5. What's your best friend's theme song?
'Yellow Submarine' - beatles
hahaha? hahaha. yay! my friend will have a yellow submarine! or she loves yellow submarine. and she lives beneath the waves! woohoo.

6. What's the story of your life?
'This is who i am' - Michael learns to rock.
whahaha. yes. my story is about who i am =] don't keep me in a frame and not give me room to grow. keke.
- this is who i am, a part of me that you don't understand
and i love you still, i'm only riding through the hills-

7. What was high school like?
'Leaving 99' - Audio Adrenaline
1999 was the year we met together in high school=] haha. May we not leave behind each other as we leave 1999 long behind us.

8. How can you get ahead in life?
'You're my God' - Jaci Valesquez.
Amen. Get ahead in my life by knowing who heads your life:)

9. What's the best thing about your friends?
'Stronger than' - Hillsong
I have strong friends!

10. What's in store for this weekend?
'Meng na li sha de yan lei'
boohoo. tears for this weekend. =(

11. What song describes you?
'Words' - The Bee Gees
i didn't even know i have this song. i guess i like to use words to express. so . erm. haha. oh well.

12. What song describes your grandparents?
'From Paris to Berlin' - Infernal
No idea how to connect. hahaa. i have no grandparents. they're all dead:S

13. How is your life going?
'I can't read you' - Daniel Bedingfield.
hehe. i can't read myself sometimes either=]

14. What song will they play at your funeral?
'Hen hao' - Sun Yan Zi.
WAH. SO SAD. =( they'll play 'very good' at my funeral. wonderful. i'm thrilled.

15. How does the world see you?
'I wanna hold your hand' - Beatles
You wanna hold my hand? LOL. the world sees me as someone to hold the hand of? O.o how odd.

16. What do your friends really think of you?
'He will carry me' - Mark Schultz
They all understand that God will carry me throughout everything i go through? how sweet and insightful=]

17. Do people secretly lust after you?
'Yong yuan' - Sun Yan Zi
how come i forever has super weird answers to the questions? People are forever secretly lusting after me. LOL!

18. How can you make yourself happy?
'Be the centre' - Brian Doerkson
I take it that it's asking God to be the centre of my life, since it's a worship song=] ownself being center is just being egocentric. prideful. big no good.
- Jesus, be the centre
be my source, be my life, Jesus-

19. What should you do with your life?
'Wham - last christmas'
so i should celebrate christmas everyday? =)

20. Will you ever have children?
'Love In. Song' -S.E.N.S
so this means? hahahaha.

life. is. very. unexpected.

yesterday, i learnt that a brother's grandfather has passed away.
today, my sister fell while she's running and was sent to tan tock seng 'cos she bled a lot.
today, i learnt that a sister's father just passed away.

life is short, pray hard.
life is short, treasure the right things.
life is short, know where you're going for eternity.

I do not know where to start. It's a strange topic to be blogging about, yet it has been a recurrent topic that popped into my mind and conversations i have with various people these days. I have various thoughts on it, yet i confess that my thoughts will barely touch the fringe of the depth of the emotions and confusion people have. The emotional turmoil, the forbidden thoughts, the various reasons, the constant yearning that accompanies. i can but scratch the surface. yet do not judge me, for my thoughts are my own. and who is great enough to be able to judge another fellow human being's thoughts?
Homosexuality is an issue that's long debated. I feel it is anyway. As i became a Christian in jc1, it's something which i had to learn to grapple with and reconcile in the light of knowing Jesus. To find out Christ's stand on this issue. I learnt that Christ hates the sin, but loves the sinner. So Christ loves me, but hates the fact that this sin was holding me down. I know that God loves me. And it was my choice to honour Him or not to. I chose to honour Him.
It will be a lie to say that once i've decided to do so, everything went smoothly. There are times when i struggled with it, especially when i loved another. There are times whereby i want to just give in to my thoughts and yearning. There are times whereby i wonder why it is wrong to love another girl, and i seeked answers that complimented what i wanted. There are times whereby i wonder if the church is being too strict. Times when i silently wished that God will just forgive me on this and let me pass. Times when the hurt becomes so great, the denial so strong, that i could not do anything much, except to pray that one day, the feelings will pass. It felt futile, yearning for a relationship which will never happen. i felt torn.
God is always faithful. It's not a statement that is said just because I'm a Christian. It's a truth i've experienced in my life and will continue to experience. the times when i felt so lost and confused, He reminded me of who He is. He reminded me that He showed Himself real to me even when i was an anti-christ, that i am unable to deny His existence because His presence was so real it felt like there was only me and Him and everyone else was far away. He reminded me of His greatness in my life. It's no longer the question of liking a guy or a girl. it's the question of whether i trust that He will bring me through in this. It's a question of loving God and trusting God for what He will bring me to. it is a matter of living my life to love Him back, to honour Him and to know Him.
A constant choice of yielding to God rather than yielding to your emotions and heart desires. For our heart deceives.I wanted this post to be something thereotical in nature. A post interspersed with verses which guide us back to His Word.. but somehow i guess it's turning out to be otherwise.
And i wonder how many people actually struggled with the same thing i struggled with (it took a long time, but i've overcome it). Seems like most of my friends don't continually or have never even struggled with this before. But i hope that one day, should there be anyone who is out there pondering over this issue, or going through it yourself, remember that another human being on earth has had similar struggles to you. she has done lots of things before too - being a member of the lgb community, confessed her love to the girl she likes, nearly committed suicide 'cos of this... remember that there's someone called Jesus who loves you greater. accepts you unconditionally as who you are and His love will fill your heart as you learn to step out from this sin. For it is a sin, no less.

'"Haven't you read,'he replied, 'that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female', and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not seperate."'(Matthew 19:4-6)

Some song lyrics that struck me deeply even when i'm typing this entry:
-Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as i am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands-

-You are my strength when i am weak
You are the treasure that i seek
You are my all in all-

love that surrounds
ties that bind
things to be found
things left behind
---
a change.
a sunflower given.
a song danced to.
with sorrow in heart.
antipation. fear. trepidation.
fixed in the box of old mindsets.
fixed in the title.
fixed in former doings.
- forming.
a change.
a new shepherd.
confusion. doubt. anger.
a denial to acknowledge.
a denial to God's soverignty.
trashing-outs and tears.
munchie monkey's and mos burger.
a new shepherd?
no.
pls accept me for who i am.
i am willing to learn.
- storming.
a new year.
acceptance.
a new responsibility.
questions. uneasiness. laidback.
struggles.
growth in opening up.
growth in helping others open up.
gladness.
holy spirit bap. water bap. membership.
a sheep. a friend.
- norming.
additions.
more responsibilities.
more. more. more.
learning to cope.
increase capacity. increase capability.
increase in patience and diligence.
enjoying your presence. enjoying his presence.
enjoying His presence.
joyful discussion.
fatigue that ends in delight.
- performing.

a new year.
reluctance.
a heart soaked with water that can't dry.
soon it will overflow.

to rest.

Happy new year! haha. it's 2007! so fast. my goodness gracious me. The troubles of y2k bug is still lingering in one of the lobes in my head (i can't recall which one:D) haha.
I've had quite an interesting day yesterday, so i guess i would take the time to laboriously (is it spelt this way? looks kinda strange. anyway, whether penning down is considered as something that's 'laboriously' done will probably be subjective to each person) type down what i did in the past day! And all my ardent readers can have a glimpse into my ever-so-exciting life! (what flair. what fluency. what nonsense that sprung out of the typing from a person who didn't sleep the whole night - i beg your pardon... morning.)
Anyway, I spent the last day of 2006 with my caregroup people:) We went to jinlu's house first for jiaozi and dinner and more jiaozi and dinner and lots of photos and sharing. haha=] It was a really good time (hontoni hontoni good time) at jinlu's house 'cos it was the first time we went to the house and it was a time whereby we could all sit down and think deeper into our lives. Not forgetting the fact that jinlu and her mum made LOTS of jiaozis for us. haha. After that, we went over to woodlands to find zhichun and the woodlands countdown. haha. It was super noisy. ah. haha. We went to zhichun's house after that. Really thank God for zhichun and her parents' hospitality. haha. think we imposed quite a lot on them :S
We shared more, then watched two movies (Singapore Dreaming, as well as Rob-B-Hood) By the time the movies ended, some people were asleep, leaving some of us awake to play... Taboo! haha. Actually it was just me, zhenzhong and zhichun playing taboo. Then some of the sisters and brothers woke up, ate breakfast and left (??? haha. it was relatively fuzzy to me.. 'cos i was playing some card game at that moment). then aiwei joined us for the card game! haha. then i went to take a nap at ard 12+ (?) and joined them for cluedo at around 1? haha. ah well. details details details.
I enjoyed the time! haha. guess that pretty much summarizes everything i've to say =]