enstranged

it's ironic
to have an intellectual
who is cognitive in nature
and likes to use affective intervention.

that's me.
i'm an irony.

God Of My Forever by City Harvest Church

God of my youth I remember
Your call on my life took me over
Your love has seen me through all my days
I stand here by Your grace
On this altar I’ve written my life
Tells of a story I have with You my Lord
I want the world to know

God of my forever and forever I’m with You
My life is saved with a price
Your sacrifice redeemed my soul
God of my forever and forever I will sing
My greatest honor will always be
To serve my Lord and King

God of my all I’ve surrendered
My heart finds its rest in Your word
Praises will not be enough to show
How my love for you has grown
Nothing matters when You’re here with me
In the end just to hear You say “well done”
Bowing before Your throne

Forever and ever
Jesus You alone in glory reign
Forever and ever
With You I walk this narrow way

Again, from the book
"J.R.R Tolkien, perhaps this century's greatest creator of fairy tales, often faced the charge that fantasy is an 'escapist' way of shifting attention away from the pressures of the 'real world'. His reply was simply:
Everything depends on that from which one is escaping. We view the flight of a deserter and the escape of a prisoner very differently." Why should a man be scorned if, finding himself in prison, he tries to get out and go home?"

desiderio domini.
i dearly long to be with my Lord.

Saw this from 'The Jesus I never knew':
the author quoted from M.Scott Peck, who quoted from an old priest who spent many years in battle:
"There are dozens of ways to deal with evil and several ways to conquer it. All of them are facets of the truth that the only ultimate way to conquer evil is to let it be smothered within a willing, living human being. When it is absorbed there like blood in a sponge or a spear into one's heart, it loses its power and goes no further." and he goes on to say that
"the healing of evil - scientifically or otherwise - can be accomplished only by the love of individuals. A willing sacrifice is required ..."

earlier in the book, it says
"in a sense, the paired thieves present the choice that all history has had to decide about the cross. Do we look at Jesus' powerlessness as an example of God's impotence or as proof of God's love?"
and to end the chapter, Philip Yancey wrote
"Power, no matter how well-intentioned, tends to cause suffering. Love, being vulnerable, absorbs it. In a point of convergence on a hill called Calvary, God renounced the one for the sake of the other."

I found this to be a reminder of how God's love is not lovey dovey, easy love. It's a sacrificial, love your enemy, life changing, world altering sort of love.
it's a love that loves unloveable people.
which makes it so hard to follow!
Sometimes it's so much easier to assert power. rather than to restrain and love.
Got to constantly remind myself.
God is just.
He will be my judge.
At the end of the day, I have to account to Him for my actions.
Not the actions of people around me.
Self accountability.

I just rebonded my hair!
LOL
i don't even know what sort of rebond it is.
soft rebond? :)
haha
the salon lady told me not to wash my hair for 2 days!
how do i tahan not washing my hair for 2 days? O.o
and i read online that i've to take care of my hair to make sure it's continually straight and what nots.
i look at my chor lor nature and wonder how that's gonna happen.
haha :)
oh wells :)
it's a good place for reading though!

hahaha :)
recently been watching kobato.(newest work from CLAMP! yes. the fullstop is with the name. hahaa) and kimi ni todoke :)
lighthearted anime! :D
here's the song from kimi ni todoke:

tanizawa tomofumi - kimi ni todoke -

Lyrics:

やさしい日だまりに　チャイムがディレイする
ほほをなでる風　息吹は深くなってく

遠まわりの涙　名前つけた明日
重なる未来色のライン

あどけないこんな気持ちも
はじけ飛ぶほど笑い合えた日も
大切に育てていけるように
とぎれとぎれの時を越えて
たくさんの初めてをくれた
つながってゆけ　とどけ

放課後の夕闇　笑うきみの背中
ひそかなささやき　触れたことのない想いの中

僕の中のきみと　きみの中の僕で
絡まる未来色のライン

雨上がりの街の匂いと
夢みたいな秘密を胸に抱いて
何度も泣きそうになってまた笑う
考えるよりずっとはやく
その胸に飛び込めたらいい
つながってゆけ　とどけ

何よりも大事なきみの前で
傷つかないように大事にしてたのは　そう自分
その一言がもしもサヨナラのかわりになってしまっても
ありのまま　すべて

あどけないこんな気持ちも
はじけ飛ぶほど笑いあえた日も
大切に育てていけるように
ほんの少し大人になってく
君になりたい僕を超えて
つながってゆけ
今すぐきみに
とどけ

yasashii hidamari ni chaimu ga direisuru
hoho o naderu kaze ibuki wa fukaku natteku

toomawari no namida namaetsuketa ashita
kasanaru mirai iro no rain

adokenai konna kimochi mo
hajiketobu hodo waraiaeta hi mo
taisetsu ni sodatete ikeru you ni
togire togire no toki o koete
takusan no hajimete o kureta
tsunagatte yuke todoke

houkago no yuuyami warau kimi no senaka
hisoka na sasayaki fureta koto no nai omoi no naka

boku no naka no kimi to kimi no naka no boku de
karamaru mirai iro no RAIN

ameagari no machi no nioi to
yume mitai na himitsu o mune ni idaite
nando mo nakisou ni natte mata warau
kangaeru yori zutto hayaku
sono mune ni tobikometara ii
tsunagatte yuke todoke

nani yori mo daiji na kimi no mae de
kizutsukanai you ni daiji ni shiteta no wa sou jibun
sono hito koto ga moshi mo sayonara no kawari ni natte shimatte mo
ari no mama subete

adokenai konna kimochi mo
hajiketobu hodo wara aeta hi mo
taisetsu ni sodatete ikeru you ni
honno sukoshi otona ni natteku
kimi ni naritai boku o koete
tsunagatte yuke
ima sugu kimi ni
todoke

(on a random note, found this on my media tracker O.o i don't remember listening to this song.. maybe someone sent me the link? O.o heh. it's a mel-ish hopeful song. here goes:)

美しきタ暮れBeautiful Dusk - Nodame Cantabile OST

Friendships have such great healing power :)
hahaha.

it's december again :)
and i can remember last december quite vividly :)
i can recall of the things i was disappointed, worried, sad about.
as well as the times of happiness and joy.
i recall vividly the carolling.
i recall of things that people said.

and it's december again :)
so much has changed.
ministry is dynamic.
ministry makes people strong hearted! :)
God strengthens people :) and changes people.

security in God changes perspectives :)

and so i spent 3 hours thinking, wanting to do substantive things, but not doing so.
just thinking and pondering.
and then i moved to clear rubbish from my room.
and sat down and thought again.
and though i know i should sleep soon.
sleep which is tugging at my sleeves is unable to pull me away from the weight of my thoughts.
why am i so disturbed by it?
'cos it reminds me of things which are unpleasant.

... feels like a betrayal of some sort, though it's nowhere near one...

continually trusting.
i wanted to flee,
but i remembered tenderness.
i wanted to hide,
and remembered the patience shown.
so then i choose to trust.
and not to run.
but to desire to believe
in God's sovereignty.

His love allay my fears.

: )
i find it interesting to read past entries and observe differences.
hahaa.
you know. i've always thought that i'd do a lot of psych modules on personality differences and in the area of cognitive psych.
in the end, i never did any much modules in these areas..and instead developed developmental psych. lol :)
i never thought that i'd end up back in the school setting, but i did.
i never thought that i'd ever have a cat, but i do :)

xinying doesn't like cramps.
but she quite like B.L.E.S.S bookstore :D
it's a bookstore at kovan :D
and i've got a direct bus there ;)

and it feels like

i'm digging through
inches
and inches
and inches of snow.

and all i wanna do is to
drop the shovel
and walk back
into the warm hut
and hide inside.

maybe it's just the wrong weather to walk outside.
i'll wait till spring.
or maybe i'll just stay in the hut and not come out forever.

the one question that my female friends have been asking after breakups

"Can you tell me why does it seem like it doesn't affect him at all?"

and when i answer, i usually try to bring in the guy's perspective
but there're times when i wonder
why am i defending the other sex?

the feminist in me strikes.




ding.

/and it gets more painful to hear that out of fellow sisters in Christ/

...
and then you walk
and then you frustrate
and then you forgave
and reached the door
to what goes beyond
and opened it
to realize
that all that awaits you is but a void
and staring at the void
you wonder
why in the world did you ever walk in this path for so long
just to realize that there is nothing there
and you wonder
why did you not just walk in the other path
and save yourself the frustration and the need to forgive
...
morning melancholy.

I've been thinking..
that it'd be nice to provide a foster home.
either for fostering children...
or for fostering animals.
or both :)
lost things do create a burden in me afterall :)

lost things.
and people who're hurting.

i love my chi 'cos she's got green eyes =)
then i asked myself. will i still love her if she has yellow eyes?
hahaa. i dunno if i will love her as much. LOL.
so sad ah. just because of an eye colour difference :)
but i guess as human beings we have preferences?
hahaha.
that's why we're attracted by some things, and not others.
but chi is so cute =)
and i really prayed for her eyes to be green instead of yellow. LOL.
I realized through GC.. (it's just one of the side things...) that there are certain traits of being melancholic which affect my preferences.

1) preference of having certainty in things.. this'll affect the kind of job i want, the need to do up appointments, the natural desire to plan. hahaha. but i guess along the way, through interactions with others, i'm learning to be able to deal with uncertainty, and to even enjoy it as uncertainty comes :)

2) i prefer to think about possibilities in the future. dunno if this is a mel trait though. hahahaa. this includes morbid possibilities of dying and meeting with accidents. hahaha. ah wells :)

you know.
till now i seldom experience times when i'm not thinking about something.
hahaa
stoning is a foreign word to me.
and usually happens only when i'm so tired i can fall asleep whenever i close my eyes a little longer than 2 seconds :)

GC was great :D

1 is better than 4.

when 4 comes... and turns to never.. it hurts.
and sometimes tt hurt can be so deep, that it'll potentially turn to bitterness.
praying for the people involved :\