heh. the SLP office people are quite nice :)
and even though waking up at 6.30am is not exactly something which i really enjoy doing,I enjoy the morning wind, and the cup of warm soyabean in the morning.
was early for work, so decided to wander around a little first.. was still early after wandering, so decided to go in early. hahaa. few people in the office. mani wasn't in yet either. saw helen in the office and i commented that she is early.. with which her reply was that she used to see her first client at 8am in the morning, and that it's not early anymore :) haha. my reply was that i'm still adjusting.
i think being in the slp office gives a very different perspective to people. as in.. to the graduate students, helen and anna are their lecturers.. but to me, they're my colleagues. conversation topics revolve around getting school, interesting things in singapore, how to use certain things on the computer... most of the time they'll talk about the getting to school and interesting things to do in singapore, while i listen. but it's cosy.. 'cos it's usually just the three of us in the office, and they involve me in their conversation whenever they talk. so i do enjoy it. though data entry is not exactly my favourite thing to do, the ease at which i can use excel helped get things done really fast. lol
mani has been nice too, helping me along the way, being available whenever i have questions and all :) i've got my term pass today! hahaha. haven't had access to the library and comp centre (and wherever a pass is needed) since i lost my matric card around 2 years ago. it feels good to tap and be welcomed into a place :) mani also asked me if i wanna have lunch with her today.. but i couldn't. heh.
helen was quite funny. i think she was worried that i'll be like amu (another girl who worked there before me..), working too hard and not resting.. so she was like trying to convince me that breaks are important, that it's okay to take a break and eat some cookies and drink tea and whatnots. haha. and they kept thanking me for the things i do :\ i feel appreciated, of course. but i also feel a bit weird being thanked for everything i do.
anyway, it's not that i don't rest. it's that when i have a task at hand and i have a deadline, i plan the time in my head and aim to complete them by then. lol. and when i start to focus for some time, God has created me to be able to focus for a long time (as long as i know what i'm doing). and i don't feel tired. and my productivity doesn't go down. hahaha. of course, again, i can't sustain that for more than 3 hrs at a go. and lunchtime at 1pm comes at the right time for the end of the focusing period, and presents itself aptly as a time to stop and rest.
but seriously speaking, i can't imagine pple doing admin for a living. i'll die. lol
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i've got a sorethroat. not one of those that occurs when u strain ur voice/use your voice for too long. it's one of those that occurs 'cos of a viral or bacterial infection. i seldom have one actually, so i really do not welcome one when i really do have it.
thank God for dequadin:)
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hahaha. I've been wanting to post this post for some time.. but delayed it because
1) wanted to prevent funny questions being shot at me
2) no time to sit down and type this out
3) had other things to think about.
Anyway, was reading the book 'Becoming what God intended' when the topic of the hebrew word 'love' came up. The hebrew word for 'love' which was used in the bible to describe God's love towards us, a husband's love towards his wife (to Hebrews) and a deep abiding friendship is 'ahavah' (meaning obtained from here.
According to the writer, 'ahavah' means to have a passionate delight in someone. In my own interpretation, a passionate delight probably means that you're passionately in love with the person, and that the person himself/herself brings great delight and joy to your heart. passionately in love will entail the willingness to sacrifice and intense liking. The love presented is one that is both deep and complete. It's more than just a romantic fling. Ahavah-love is intense, personal and passionate, and sacrificial.
The writer wrote that if you have the chance to go back and ask an ancient Hebrew about ahavah-love, the three qualities will always surface. i quote:
'If you asked him if you could have romantic love for just about anybody, he would think that was a strange question. In his culture, ahavah was only for the person who had gripped the heart. If you asked him if ahavah was a mild emotion, he would think the question was just dumb. Romance was always intense! If you asked him if ahavah-love was indifferent to the needs of the beloved, he would reply that the lover might even sacrifice his life for the beloved.'
Personally, i find it very fascinating. Fascinating on two accounts:
1) That's the love that God loves us with! No one else will do. Each and everyone of us have gripped His heart. He loves us intensely, passionately, personally. He doesn't want just a romantic fling. His love for us is deep, and complete.
2) That's how couples should love each other. I think we'll agree that the society today cheapens love. But when compared beside the standard of love that God has given in the bible for couples, the contrast becomes so much greater.
Crushes are out. So are those mini-kites that are sometimes placed there because it feels good to have someone to think and muse about. A bit like wasting of emotions. lol.
Not just in keeping purity of body and in mind, but in the purity of heart too.
That's my stand anyway. Think some people might think it's a very silly stand to take, or it's too ideal, or whatsoever.. I will hold onto that definition and test every kind of liking that comes along my way. lol.

Today I saw...
Damien! :D
Most of the time he has the 'eh, what's going on' look, but the times when he smiles, ah. so adorable. hahaha.
He likes to give me the egg. haha. and doesn't like green vege. He likes beef, but doesn't like the fish. And he likes to stir the pot of soup :D
When he calls people, he only knows how to call for 'korkor'. Doesn't know how to say 'jiejie' o.o||
He's 15...
months old.
lol.
He's the offspring of my cousin and his wife Tammy :) (sadly, i know the wife's name, but forgot my cousin's =D)
Tammy says that her family consists of guys.. possibly why Damien only knows how to call for 'korkor'. haha. faint.
oh. i'm super amazed at the sophistication of toys for children nowadays. The stove he was playing at came with effects for a boiling soup and a frying pan O.o Recent investigations into the prices of different toys have caused me to wonder how much money I'll have to set aside for my own children (if I do have in the future) for the area of toys O.o
i still like toddlers more though. i like children ages 2 and above. hahaha.

chi yi is always a more boring day for me than chu er.. for the simple reason that my relatives come to my house, stay for ard 2 hrs, and leave. then i'm free for the rest of the day. of course, i usually take the time to sleep/do work/watch anime...
i love kueh bangkit! hahaha. just learned this year what it's called. hahaha
we've got new additions for visitation this year:) lol. my niece (Cai Yun)'s daughters (my counsin's daughter's daughters - Kira and Nara) came. So did my nephew (kok Wai)'s girlfriend/fiancee (both are of the same age as me O.o). It's quite interesting i suppose:)
haha.
i like toddlers more than babies. haha. at least toddlers can talk.

yay. breakthrough. i woke up at 6.30am today!
yesterday was 7.30am. today is 6.30am. slept for 4 and a half hours :\ didn't really sleep a lot in the day as well (only in short snippets of around 10-15 mins during travelling)
i finished all the work in my tray at 11am! was quite tempted to ask if i could go off. hahaha. but no la, i went to ask mani for more work :\
today was more fun. anna and helen (the lecturers) were also in the office, so there were some random conversations (about singapore, cny, getting to school from marine parade...) flying around. i learned something new too! a proforma. lol.
i dun really like to send emails to ask pple for quotation of prices.. prefer things to do with doing up the catalogue. i like to it to be nicely listed. nicely labelled. and put nicely into the cupboard =D
and no, i'm not a neat person :)
went for my full body medical checkup as well 'cos i think i might have to wait for another 2 weeks if i don't go today :\ my second full body medical checkup.. first time in Raffles Medical (no appointment needed for me 'cos it's for my job) as well. lol. first medical checkup was of course in YIH.
it's a bit different.
the urine test is the same :P
eh. the xray part was different. in yih no need to do anything, can just go in straight to xray. in raffles medical, girls needed to go and change their tops into a medical robe. bleah. i really dun fancy wearing a medical robe and seeing a guy sitting on the seats near the xray room when i came out. it was disturbing enough to have to walk from the changing room to the xray room in that thing. it's more disturbing to see a guy (who's not a medical staff) there. but xray was fast. and i was really glad to change back. LOL
physical measurements were normal. apparently, i grew taller. now i'm 168cm.
got a female doctor for the body examination (think they kindly arranged it). i remember i got a female doctor for yih too.. but some of my female friends got a male doctor. regardless of whether we know they're pro or not, it's still disturbing (to me la) to have a male doctor examining your body. i think 'cos i dun let a lot of guys come into my personal space (which can be quite a diameter depending on the situation. lol).
yes. the doctor's very nice =) haha. so yes, i've passed my medical examination! my blood pressure was 120/80mmHg.. which she said was normal, but the internet said will need to take note. haha. oh well :)
then went to get stuff and met serene to talk. we lost track of time :\
a bit tired now (shorter attention span). type more next time. lol

God will make everything beautiful in His time :)

today felt like a few days. Or rather, I felt as if I've lived a few days in one day.
Brought back the Steph's spelling coding to do :) lol. Now I have home-work (literally!) She's going off to Australia for her doctorate very very soon. Quite surprised to hear it, but glad for her I guess :)
research scheduling has been coming in too.. i'd better start practicing my CELF :)
Chi's falling asleep on my computer table again O.o

with my eyes I long to see You smile
with my ears I long to hear Your voice
with all my heart I long to feel You
with all my soul I long to seek You
please help me find the way to Your dwelling place
i long to hide in the shadow of Your wings
to find my rest as I dwell in Your peace
to live forever in the beauty of Your grace

I did an amateur calculation of my finances once I get my salary.. and realized that sadly, after the minus-ing of my CPF, my tithe and my pledged tuition loan-return ($750/month) amount, i have a grand total of $1035 as my effective salary. If i minus away money for transport, phone bills, to be given to parents, i have $435 left. lol. sadness.
whoever said that working pple are rich?
at least i should be able to finish paying my entire loan in 2 years 2 months - 4 months. yes.

Just realized that what I've experienced before is the entoptic phenomenon Have seen floaters before (and thought that somehow or another, by some weird function, my eyes were able to magnify bacteria.. saw eyelashes (as if it's under a microscope) before too.

Was reading huanyan's blog in the afternoon, that one of his friends died.
I just received an sms (not too long ago) from boonliong.
kaiyan died a few days ago.
i think when i received the news i was quite stunned. i'm still quite stunned.
not very close to him, but close enough to feel something.

Think it's only recently (by recent, it means within this couple of months), that I start to appreciate the beatitudes even more (not that i didn't in the past, but the verses of the beatitudes kept coming back to me in the past few months).

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
When we realize we are broken and nothing before God, when our hearts are made so contrite and our spirits before God.

Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
When we cry in our hearts.

Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
The people who may not be considered strong by the world. Those who do not assert themselves (?)

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled
When you hunger and thirst, it means you have a lack of it in your body, but recognize their lack and has the desire to be filled right? Righteousness does not come from us, but is credited to us through Jesus when we receive Him into our lives.

According to wikipedia, the beatitudes comes from the word 'beatus' which means 'blessed' or 'happy'. I quote:
"The blessed nature that these characteristics endow is not meant to be considered from a worldly perspective, but from a psychological perspective. The word traditionally translated into English as "blessed" or "happy" is in the Greek original μακάριος (makarios). A more literal translation into contemporary English may be "possessing an inward contentedness and joy that is not affected by the physical circumstances". The Beatitudes imply that people not normally considered blessed on Earth are in fact blessed by God and will experience the Kingdom of Heaven."

Doesn't it fall so nicely in line with what Paul means when he said 'for when I am weak, then I am strong'? That when we know in our hearts that we don't have much to offer, that though the world has taught us to show the strong side of ourselves to others and keep the weak side to ourselves - we know that we still have lots of weaknesses inside us, that when we are mourning inside beyond what is seen, the promise of God is that we will be 'be comforted, inherit the earth, filled' and that ours is the 'kingdom of heaven'.
Not to say that we have to go around saying 'oh, i'm so weak, oh i'm so meek'... but in our hearts acknowledge our own brokenness before God, and that's the first fundamental step to seeing the power of God work through us.
i always remember what Jason wrote in a card to me long time ago:
'a broken and contrite heart, God will not despise'.

okay. mani finally replied :) hehe.
had a RA (research assistants) meeting today at 1pm, but it kinda 'clashes' with the admin assistant job (i'm supposed to go in at 2pm, but i think the meeting will end ard 2.30 or 3). so i emailed mani (i'll be helping her! the poor woman is tasked with the admin stuff of the whole office - not sure if it's just the SLP or the whole medical graduates office. think she's about to die from the load) to ask if i should come in earlier, then leave, and come again, or if i can come in later. there was no reply for 3 days O.o
so i woke up earlier today to check my email for a reply, just in case she wants me to come in at 11am. Thank God for her, she said i can come in later:D So nice. hehe.
anyway, the SLP pple know that i'm a RA for Dr Tan, so i can negotiate the timing to come in. If they don't, I don't think I'd have been able to come in at a later timing. hahaa. but then again, if they don't, i wldn't have taken up the AA part time.
it's interesting to hear them plan things for the graduate students during the meeting. hehe. can see how they do take the students' welfare into consideration while planning the timetable and all. pretty interesting :)

ah. mani hasn't gotten back to me! O.o

We went to Hob Nob Cafe Bar to celebrate Jan's birthday. My first time there. hahaa. It's a hidden find!:) Do pop by if you have the chance to.
Called in the morning to make reservations for 15 people.. think the female staff was kinda surprised, so she's took down my number and got the lady boss to call me back. haha. Lady boss (Cheryl) was very nice. She arranged arrangements with me, asked if her suggestions were okay, told me that if I've called two days in advance, we would have even be able to plan out a fixed menu with dishes from the original menu.. I was really quite surprised by the personal service :)
The place itself was very cosy. Very nicely decorated. Lady Boss (I took to calling her by this name) was very friendly, constantly asking me if everything's okay, asking the people if they need more stuff.. haha. She was quite funny too, kinda like trying to liven up the atmosphere even more by asking Jan to sing, as well as to give some comments when she's popping by to serve us. Very personal service :) hahaha. This sounds like a food review.. but i really think good service should be complimented.
Oh! And the food was not bad! :D haha. I had chix cutlet (which came with mushroom sauce. Not just the creamy mushroom sauce with mushroom taste, but really mushroom sauce with mushrooms, and a tinge of wine. hahaa. mushroom sauce was warm when it got served though.) quite surprised to see the standard of the food as well. hahaa. i pay $9.80 nett for my chix cutlet :D Jan's pork cutlet was probably made themselves.. 'cos it had cheese and ham inside (which was a pleasant surprise to many of us, even though we didn't try it. haha. it's just surprising to have something inside. hahaha!) and ellson's grilled fish (i think),$14.80 nett, had black caviar on top! hahaha. That was a surprise too.
So yup, service wise and food standards exceeded my expectations :) can go there for shepherdings (though cheryl tends to pop by quite often, so not sure if it's good for teachings), dates, gatherings (can reserve in advance!) and celebrations:) haha.
or can go with me! I'd want to go back to try the pork cutlet and the aglio olio (read reviews that it's not bad), as well as the tomyam spaghetti!
anyway, it's located at Far East Shopping Centre (beside wheelock place), #03-18/19. yup:)
and no, i'm not endorsed by them, or related to them in any way. hahaa.

oh btw. i think this game is super funny. hahahaha

Shirley prayed over me and described a picture God has given to her. She said God gave her a picture of an expressway (not the kind in Singapore), but the really long kind in other countries.. about how my future has a lot of possibilities and is very bright (didn't really understand the bright part. haha). but all God wants to tell me is to keep walking with Him, just continue walking one step at a time with Him. [at least this is what i caught.]
today's prayer meet really spoke to me :) at least it resonated with my plans for this year. haha. a year of preparation. i really want this period of time to prepare myself strong, to continue building my life (in all the different aspects) up. i want to build my roots stronger, so that i'll stand greater storms with God. i want to make my character stronger, so that it can stand the beatings of immorality present in the world.
and i was just thinking about how i'm just one person in the whole convention hall, how if i want to effect greater change in the world, i need to rise up in position, when pastor jeff prayed for the 'one person' thing too.
had lots of thoughts through the prayer meet. it's really refreshing to be in the presence of God and God's people, and to see the church gather together in prayer :) very heartening!

lol.
just realized today that psychology has a cross-over department to the medical faculty - speech and language pathology department in the department of graduate medical studies. faint. lol. Dr Tan brought me there today to meet Helen (who taught us how to administer the CELF) and Erin (the other RA under Dr Tan:). thank God for Dr Tan. hahaha. Was a little nervous when Helen taught us the CELF. actually, come to think of it, i didn't have to be nervous.. 'cos have had the experience of administering quite a lot of tests before. but i guess 'cos the teaching methods' a little different, and the person who taught was different as well. ah well:) and previously i knew Steph as a friend, but i dunno Helen as a friend :P and 4 year olds are different from 5 year olds. hahaha.
anyway, it's quite exciting to be involved in another research project. I miss research actually..haha. i like collecting data. i just don't like analyzing them. so i'm quite fine being a research assistant to assist in collecting the data... but not very fine with analyzing them:P
yup.
will be doing some admin work for susan at the SLP in medical fac too. but only ard 4 hrs every friday.. so should still have time for other stuff :) and i can get weiwen out for lunch! or go hq and kajiao pple. hehe.
going for appointment formalities tmr!:) ah.

Ah.
my adobe photoshop is gone. ahhh.
it's not in my comp.
i thought i had it in my comp too. but i don't.
alamak.
haha.

Yes I know it's late.
hahaha.
and at the rate this is going, I'm not going to be able to wake up at 6.30am anytime soon.
but was listening to praise and worship songs and feeling excited about this sat's service. then was looking at a sister's blog and suddenly i felt the desire to blog. so here i am.
i have a journal kind of book, in which i'd write all sorts of things. frustrations, planning, times of joy, things i've learned. usually frustrations, frustrations and more frustrations. until i grow. then got more things. hahaha.
my first entry was from 12 June '04 (oh, so i didn't start journalling when i came to know God in 03. ahhahaa) it started out with the VJ vision that jiali gave (which i thought was really cool). Some excerpts as to what I wrote:
"I learnt a few things from the people and about the people around me as well. I learned from Jasmine that it's very important to be truly honest with yourself and God. I've always selected the words I use to talk to God carefully, as if there's anything I can hide from God. (these words were in a different colour) I need to real to God about my struggles and fears (end of diff colour) 'cos it's only by admitting that, then I can humble myself and ask to God for help. Further thing was that (diff colour again) I need to spend my time for God, not for self entertainment. And even if I'm out, there must be a purpose for what I'm doing (end of diff colour)."
that was the time when i implemented things. hahaha. such as regular QT, smiling, using time wisely to glorify God.
the next entry came with a chapter in psalms that encouraged me countless times through the years. It was a word given by God when I prayed to Him. Psalm 73. Still remains as one of my favourite chapters today, though may not speak so much into my situation anymore.
Subsequently I also learned that God gave me brains for a purpose, so I don't have to ask my shepherd about every problem which I face. lol. I learned that studies can be a form of ministry too. I wanted to learn skills (of being a shepherd, being in counter ministry, cg roles). God spoke to me about loving people, about the attitudes towards studies..God showed me that His name is to be revered and respected. He reminded me to honour my parents, to pray for the people even as I have the burden.
He helped me realize that (from a 180604 entry) "if i've sinned, I feel further from God and more reluctant to come to seek God 'cos I have guilt inside my heart. Maybe that's how pple stray away from God. 'cos they're fearful of facing God 'cos they know that their ugly deeds will be laid open in front of them and God and they'll have to account. I also realize that the least things I'm willing to do, the least I learn from God." He brought me through a period of irritation and challenged me to have compassion and love. He reminded me that the leadership team MUST set the standard for the whole entire CG, and that it's good to be proactive about sleep (oops).
the line To be disciplined is not a desire, it is a decision! kept appearing.
He also reminded me that it's a blessing to be saved by God, that all I need is Him.
And possibly why I keep having the desire to believe in people and see their potential could lie in the fact that Jiali once said these words to me 'I believe in you'. small words with big effects.
-Stars shine the brightest when nights are the darkest-
My journal also recorded down dealings with disappointment with sheep, dealing with own spiritual dryness, lack of zeal and interest. Disappointments that change into bitterness. God always reminds me to persevere on. To be patient. To love. Countless times I've checked my motives to see why I do the things I do (whether it's out of a love for God, or a love for people, or just out of not wanting to disappoint people). whether I'm serving Him with the right motives.
records of frustration over not doing proper QT and procrastination kept appearing too. negative thoughts. wasting time due to games. of not treating people around me with purity of heart. of not praying as often as i should. Impatience...
but God is good and faithful.
He continued to teach me to trust and obey. To meditate on His love for us. He showed me the power of fasting and leaning on His power. My hope being in Him. Faithfulness of God.
I saw the amazing faithfulness of God in 26 March 2005, during easter service, where my cg had 9 visitors and 5 conversions. it was a day i dun think i can forget.

I'm still growing in discipline. I'm still growing in love and compassion. I'm still growing in patience. I'm still growing in thanksgiving.
I'm still growing in almost everything there needs to be grown in O.o
But God continues to be faithful.
Every year when I think back in the past few years, I can see how God is moulding me in different seasons of my life. The different areas He had to prune, the different things he had to bring me through so that I can grow (things that cause me to laugh, to cry, to feel burdened for days on end...), so that I can learn to lean on Him more, so that I won't be so prideful, so that I can be more effective and efficient, so that I can know myself more, so that I can know God more. To seek Him more.
Really quite glad whenever I take a flip through the pages of this informal journal. hahaa. then can give thanks to God and see which areas I've grown in, as well as know why i hold certain principles and where the roots came from :)

Recently there's been an Orijen scare. Apaprently in a country not so far away from us (Australia), there were ard 5 cats which showed similar symptoms of having paralysis and having to be euthanized. The link between all the cats were that they all consumed Orijen cat food. lol. The blame has been placed on the Australian government for setting the regulation that Orijen cat food has to be irradiated (at a pretty high exposure) due to its food being processed at a lower temperature.
How does this concern me? or you (it probably doesn't concern u. lol)?
Well.
Chi is a picky eater :) Having been hand-fed and pampered since young, she's grown to be a picky eater who likes canned wet food and doesn't exactly like the dry. lol. attempts at mixing dry food with wet has only brought about a bowl of leftover wet dry food.
So imagine my joy and delight when upon feeding Chi dry food from the trial pack of Orijen (which costs me $8++ for a 400g pack -- usually it costs $3 for a 400g pack for other brands), Chi loves it! hahahaa. in fact, she prefers it even over the premium canned salmon thing that i'll buy to pamper. yay.
so it's only natural that the australian scare is of concern to me O.o i don't want chi to suddenly stop moving :\ lol
but upon further research, it seems that there should be no problem in singapore. so i'm back to buying Orijen (also 'cos it's cheaper than buying 24 cans of wet food and finishing them within a few days O.o) =D

a bit tired. lol.
there're a few things i've wanted to blog about, but have not had the time or energy to.
first day of having my two tuitions in a row. handling hyperactive p5 kids and then a super phlegmatic sec 4 kid was interesting. lol.
and i've yet to finish tidying up my room!

I like flexibility within structure :)
I best work under a situation where there's a nice skeleton and structure, but still has flexibility for me to work with.
Taking for example a script, I work best when the theme, character profiles and the general flow of the script is given (e.g. talking about this, then talking abt that), and everything else is left to me to write. haha.
If too much structure is given, I feel very restrained.
If too much freedom is given, I feel slightly lost and will attempt to set the structure myself.
How troublesome :)

Today my fan decided to die on me. hahaha. Quite sad, 'cos I think it's only been with me for less than 6 months. haha. It burned out. 'Cos I usually turn it on for the entire night, as well as the entire day (if Chi has to be kept in the room). It first weakened, but didn't really bother me much since the days are turning cold. And now it's burned out. and died. haha. okay. I don't sound very sympathetic, do I?
But it reminds us that if we keep going on and on and on without resting, we'll burn out too :) our productivity may go down, and if we do not take notice of it, we'll burn out one day, and die. and possibly will need to be changed.
So, resting is important!:) (being lazy is not.)
Personally I rest a lot. i don't know about your definition of resting, but usually when I'm alone and doing something of choice (e.g. planning, watching anime, thinking), it's considered to be a rest for me. hahaha. Unless I'm shopping for something. Somehow or another, shopping for things tire me out very easily.
So yes, I rest a lot. Possibly much more than the people around me. lol.
Was thinking how I'd want to train my body (beat it and make it my slave :O) in preparation for the fulltime training in NIE ahead of me :\ So possibly I might want to train myself to slowly revert to waking up at 6.30 or 7am ('cos i think my lessons will start at 8am :\ or else my work will definitely start at/before 8am). I wanna see how my body responds.. which are my productive hours. I already know some stuff about my energy level. For example, I am twice more productive in the night than in the day. lol. And I can sustain on 5 hours of sleep for around 3 days in a row and still be able to function quite okaily in the day without falling asleep. I can also function on 3 hrs of sleep but will start feeling tired in the afternoon, but can still pull an all-nighter that day, and possibly die around 9am the next morning. My optimum is around 7 hours per day, sleeping at 3am and waking at 10am, but i can't do that when i start work :( or start school. so need to figure new hours soon (taking in consideration that my body's aging too:D)
yes. smsing pple keeps me awake too. so when you receive smses for me, it's very possible that i am either 1) travelling, 2) falling asleep.
i've also realized (along the years) that my attention span is quite short. i can be very very productive for a period of time, but will start to wander off very soon. that's when i need to take a rest. i can only sustain for a long long time (approx 3 hours) after 2 hrs of breaking in (having a short attention span during this period of time). so effectively, i need 2 hrs to warm up. after the 3 hrs, i need a long break (e.g. 1 hr), then i'll need to warm up again. so if my work starts at 8am next time, i'll only start to be very effective ard 10am (which coincides with me optimum awake hour) and will die ard 1pm (hopefully coinciding with my lunchtime). lol.
night is different though. night i only need 15 mins to break in.
ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm still waiting.
Waiting for you to sort things out.

And I'll wait too.
Waiting for you to have a breakthrough.

And again I'll wait.
Waiting for you to reconcile things within your heart.

When the people matter to you, waiting hurts.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love forgives.
Love waits.
Learning to continue waiting on the epitome of love for the people i love.

-nobody knows how weak i am
better than You
and nobody sees all of my needs
better than You
nobody has the power to change to me
to what i was born to be
Jesus be strong in my weakness
empower me

Empower me
like a rushing river flowing to the sea
Lord, send Your Holy Spirit flowing out through me
till I'm living as Your child
victorious and free
send the power of Your love
empower me-

i've officially reached my 2009th post:)
and forgot what i was going to say. lol. God made my mirrored, perceived self an IC so that they can balance each other out:) and complement each other. good.

my wisdom teeth are growing.
at first there was only one (which peeked out of the gum after some time), now the bottom right side is aching too.
just read that the body may have slight fevers when the wisdom teeth are being grown. that'll explain for my slight fevers=D haha.
it's a gnawing feeling in my gums. makes me feel like poking it.
found a game that's pretty interesting :) bloxorz it's a puzzle game. can go try it when you're free:) haha.

Having two cats in the house is an ordeal for me :\
Noticed how Chi was quite bored, so decided to open the main house door and gate for her to explore outside. Apparently, within the span of a short while, she developed a phobia for the outside world earlier in the day due to my father accidentally locking her out in her secret venture to the outside world, and was found only after my mum heard meowing from the outside. Chi was quite hesitant in venturing out, so I decided to deposit myself at the stairs outside, to assure her that it's okay to come out.
She came out, scuttled back into the house, came out again, scuttled back in, and eventually found more courage to venture to my hand. lol.
Anyway, to cut the long story short, the big cat appeared. Maomi, a stray cat who used to reside in my house, came. I was quite surprised, considering that she's not appeared for some time, and even more surprised when she ventured into the house. Chi disappeared after maomi came into the house. Into my parents' room.
Was quite lost as to what to do.. think maomi didn't come in for food or for a fight, she merely walked around the house, sniffing at items that Chi played with, came into my room, sniffed at the litter tray, the food.. then went to the kitchen to clean herself. I went into my parents' room to look at Chi, and Chi, upon smelling the scent of maomi on my fingers, hissed at me :\ so interesting. 2nd time I heard her hiss:S
oh well. to tell the truth ah, though I know that I should be glad that maomi is back, and I am:), there's a great part of my heart which worries for Chi (worried that Chi will feel jealous, worried that maomi will fight with her), and another part thinking about how I'm going to raise two cats.
lol.
thank God maomi left in the end :\

This is the first blogpost of 2009 :) hahaha.
Sadly, it's not the 2009th post. ah well. plans fail at times. hahahaa.
Was surfing through facebook when I realized two things:)
1) my yr 1 lit tutor is a friend of my friend!
2) Dr Why Yong Peng has a facebook account!
okay.
happy new year everyone!:)

It's the last day of 2008!:) and I'm 5 entries (including this one) away from my goal.
Just realized that okto has quite good shows:D haha. e.g. It's like a better version of arts central, with better quality shows. they even have good anime! haha. e.g. (toradora) and apparently, skipbeat is on the same week broadcast as Japan (which doesn't happen with subs. though i don't watch skipbeat).
and they have casshern SINS, which is quite surprising 'cos i thought it's quite violent (didn't watch it 'cos the reviews kinda hinted at its violence). they're also showing code geass (the first season though). i think watching toradora on the tv screen will be fun. haha.

I think that God has sent some of the world's most wonderful people into my life :)

I wrote this at long john's today. heh.
--------------------------------------
Alone I was. In a place full of people I did not know.
Alone with a purpose. I know what i am here for.
I know what I am buying. I know what I am thinking of while sending out the smses. I looked over, and saw a table more befitting of what I intend to do, the duration which I intend to stay for.
So I packed up my stuff, my mind filled with the task of picking up my stuff. The cards, the card, the pen, the cup.
The heat caused me to wonder, the pain forced me to look for the source.
I lifted the cup higher. and the pain spread. And the soup spreads. And covered my phone. And my hand.
Serviettes.
I need more serviettes.
I looked at the spread of soup on the table and thought of Ecclesiastes 3. When one falls and no one is around to help him. What a pity.
And with the soup on my fingers, I went to the counter and asked for serviettes. Got them, and wondered if it's enough.
And I walked to Suzy and asked her to help me wipe my table.
Who's Suzy? A female cleaner.
She helped me wipe, and told me "hen3 tang4". I think so too.
And asked me if I wanted to go to the toilet and wash my hands.
I told her it was okay, already feeling grateful that she's cleaning up my table, and was just entertaining the thoughts of staying where I was, or leaving.
Cleaned up my phone, thanking God that it's waterproof.
And then she came with a new cup of soup.
And then she got me a new spoon.
And helped me bring the soup over when I told her of my original intent.
And so I settled at my new table. The deeds of a friendly stranger unable to leave my mind.
And did the next best thing I knew, besides thanking her.
And thus formed the existence of an account of how a stranger at Long John's helped me.
------------------------------------------
Reading the book 'Becoming who God intended'. Have been reading it for some time, but had not had the discipline and time to finish reading it. Quite proud today to reach the halfway point of the book. Was analyzing a weird portrayal of certain verses in the book near the front, but agreed quite a bit with what was written near to the central :) Hope to finish this book soon. Afterall, it's one of the things I hope to do before 2008 ends. lol.
------------------------------------------

the author, lost for words, look at her pen in mild despair. the craft of her hands fail her. the words which sought to be written and spoken are not found in human language, but in the intangible recesses of the soul. a desire, an ernestness, a yearning. a burden which ceased not through the produced prose, but deepens and weighs with each word spoken. utterances which come out empty. a search for words which do not exist.
it swirls in her thoughts and manifests in her actions. but words, which continue to fail her, continue to elude her. bounded by social rules, locked by distance.

I miss my msn.
Was looking through the new anime motivational posters thread (the old one, which reached 1700++ pages, was deleted due to the continual spamming of non-pg13 pictures) on crunchyroll and came across some interesting ones. haha. Sharing a few here :)
The ones that I like:
The following, without kagami, is my wallpaper. haha.





The normal ones:







The ones that are just plain wrong:






--------------------------------------------------------
Was at popular buying assessment books just now (in preparation for tuition once again).. and after the purchase, i realized that they've charged me wrongly for the items i've bought. entertained the thought of just walking away 'cos a) the shop was closing, the gates were already half down, the paying queue is horrendously long b) paying an additional amount for the items when i'm half broke is not very enticing, but the consciences felt uneasy upon having that thought, so decided to be honest. haha. in the end, the procedure was still relatively troublesome, but at least my conscience was clear. hehe.
-------------------------------------------------------
was feeling thirsty and got reminded of something ruisi shared before. that when the body feels thirsty, it means that the body has had a lack of water for some time. the symptoms do not show at the instance of lack, but a while later, when the situation gets very serious. so when you feel thirsty, you're actually in quite a disadvantageous position with regards to the amount of water in your body.
similarly, as a comparison to our spiritual life, when we feel spiritually dry, it's not at the instance of lack, but rather, it's an accumulation of the lack that has been going on for some time. so when you feel spiritually dry, beware. for you're already in a very disadvantageous position with regards to the amount of work the Holy Spirit can do in you.
---------------------------------------------------

my 2000th entry.

Just finished watching a japanese film - Love and honour on okto. It was about this lower-classed samurai who was working as a food-taster (to ensure that the food given to the samurai Lord is not poisoned) and had the misfortune to eat something which was poisonous when taken out of season. He grew blind after that. The movie continues to illustrate what happened to them subsequently. I felt that the acting was very well done, 'cos the setting of the movie was in the era of the samurai, where harakiri and honour is very much spoken about. that people will kill their wives, or themselves, should they feel that their honour is being stained. it was interesting to see how the actors and actresses managed to portray their emotions even when the emotions of that period of time is much more subdued.

This is my 1999th blog post :) hehee. been pacing out so that I can type my 2000th post on 25th December, and my 2009th post on the first day of 2009:)
but i've placed this formerly as a draft and have officially missed the 25th december deadline:\ it's not 27th december, an important date for an important person :)
it's crystal's 21st birthday today!:) happy birthday crystal!:) heh. she's a very dear sister for me, 'cos she's my faithful support and team member in counter. thank God for this sister:) she's someone with a very sweet spirit and a very dedicated heart to the people around her. really blessed by her support and her presence in the counter:)
Couldn't attend her birthday party today 'cos of worship prac :S hope she's had a good time. hehe.
glad to finally be able to serve with guanrui for backup singing (since we went in at the same time. hahaha). i think we've not served together before (unless my memory fails me. not including the time we've observed the worship prac. lol. i've not served with huili before either (i think). hahaha. think these are the two people whom i've not served with before in backup singing. lol. need to learn how to harmonize! need to learn more about the theory of music. need to grow in this area!:)
oh, but really thank God:) can see how my singing has improved since i've joined this ministry. at least now i can harmonize some parts! hahaha. and i can differentiate between a normal note and a slightly flat note (though i can't always do that, especially when i'm the one singing. can't tell the diff between a normal note and a sharp one though:)
haha. i've only realized today how nice don moen's voice is. but he doesn't have the nicest voice (in my opinion=D) sometimes i like to just listen to people talk, 'cos it's nice to listen to the texture of the voice, the different intonation and speed, the different qualities of the sounds being produced.
i still find it amazing how i'm in backup singing. hahaha. it's a ministry i've always wanted to go into since i was in youth (2004), but never thought that i'll be able to go in due to various funny reasons:D being able to serve God in an area i enjoy is such an enjoyable thing. hahaa. but have to constantly remind myself (as what wanqi shared) to love God more than my craft :) with counter ministry, it's not hard. LOL. 'cos every time i serve, it's really for God ('cos i dun have a natural passion to dabble with finance), but with backup singing, 'cos i love singing, need to always check if i'm singing 'cos i enjoy it, or singing for God :) so harmonizing kinda keeps me in check. 'cos it's something which i'm kinda scared to do, but i wanna grow in, 'cos i know it'll add on to the ministry and in the experience of worship :) ah. but so much to grow in. so frustrating sometimes:S
i believe in worshipping God with songs. i believe in it 'cos it always reminds me of the gentleness of God. the shelter and refuge that comes when we worship God with songs. when you describe the gentleness of God with poems, with words, with a verse, with prose, songs make it so much more real. when you declare and proclaim of God's wonder, of His power, His victory, songs make it so much more certain and majestic. each song paints in unseen colours, the characteristic of God:)
that being said, i love expositions of the word as well. hahaha. especially when a lot of background is given and the verse is deeply expounded upon. it tickles another side of me. hahaha.

lol. i left my art stuff in the oven unsupervised (usually i take it out after 3 mins or so, after it's formed its shape) and it melted. lol. the whole entire paper turned brown and surprisingly, the kind of effect i was trying to achieve with varnish (which didn't turn out right) was found in overcooking my art stuff. the bad thing is, it's stuck to the brown paper. hahaha. so amusing.

eliminating the ant nest has effect eliminated the ant problem in my room=D no ants came near chi's food for the rest of the day. haha.
yay:)
went to get colour pencils today for what i was doing, as well as to get varnish. the aunty downstairs sold me brown-ed varnish O.o got watercolour colour pencils, so the instructions given contained interesting information. something which i found particularly amusing was the line of 'do not put colour pencil in water. the lead will melt.' hahaa. well, it was (and still is) funny to me. but i've got to say staedtler's colour leads are really quite good. i've had bad colour pencils before, so the difference was quite obvious to me:)
uni and poly starting on different timeslots tmr:) it's another keypoint in history!(in the history of the uni group anyway. hahaa)
quite fast ah? to think that we've only started out tertiary service in 2005. haha.
but quite exciting. and a bit scary. everything's changing so quickly.
have been watching this anime called 'Gallery Fake'. it's about this guy who's very good at identifying art pieces and have vast knowledge on the background (be it the proper kind or the shady kind) of the art pieces. reminded me of a project i did before:) i quite like the impressionists' works. haha. maybe i should buy an artboard and try it one day.
------------------------------------------
should it ever be taken away
my soul shall seek to cease
for what shall await me each day
without His love and peace
all that's beautiful and pure
to dread shall all give way
if the world with its desires and lure
should keep my heart at bay
but cleanse my heart each renewed day
drench it, soak it clean
in His blood and the Holy Spirit
and faith in things unseen.
though comrades may once disappoint
pride may grow its roots
may my soul bought by Jesus Christ
be forever unwavering.
------------------------------
i am defiantly going against my rational mind and body's desire to sleep :|
time to submit. lol

First it was my laptop.
Now it's my calligraphy case which was placed on top of my cupboard.
stupid ants!
ahhh.
i found an ant nest in my calligraphy box set. blah.
took out the stuff inside and threw away the whole box.
lol.

my mum asked me in chinese: 'are you going to use the comp till it's daylight?'
lol. my dad's awake. haha.
i know it's not sustainable, but nighttime is always so much more productive for me.
it's like in the day, you need to make sure u get the stuff u need to get ('cos the shops dun open at night) and meet the people u wish to meet ('cos people don't go out at night for no reason and 'cos transportation is super ex at night). haha.
but at night, you can take your time, do the things u've always wanted to do. plan out stuff, do some arts and craft, be amused by chi.
i like the morning too, though i'm usually asleep then. haha
----------------------------------------------------------
today is a tiring day.
went to daiso to get more storage bags for my books and to look for something which i need (couldn't find it there in the end). then went to spotlight to look for the same thing. haha. afterwhich, i took a bus down to bras basah. thank God that the store was still open! hahaa. actually, i think they showed the Closed sign, but i rushed in without realizing it. haha. oh well.
then was going over to This Fashion 'cos they were having 20-60% (doesn't seem to have 60% discount for anything at all. everything's at 20% - if you're a non-member, and 30%-if you're a member. hmm) discount. oh yes, was going over there when upon crossing the road, i saw jalea, regina and joe! (they saw me too! lol) and upon crossing the road once more, yizhong appeared behind us. lol.
i'm sleepy. so imma stop typing.
poor chi seems to be sick again :S

Thought I'll just type this out before I forget :)
hahaha.
Recently Chi has been doing two things - having a fever and diarrhoea everyday (which one will realize is not a good thing to have, if you've ever had both together before:) As google is one of my best friends, I've decided to consult it to find out if
a) i need to bring her to the vet
b) it's a serious condition
It turns out that
a) I do need to bring her to the vet
b) it is a very serious condition (seems like having diarrhoea more than two days is dire for the cat O.o
Of course, considering that
a) i have no money to bring her to the vet.
b) Even if it's a serious condition, the no money part still stands,
all I could do was to give her lots of hugs, pats, strokes, quality food, clean water (which she doesn't drink) and observe her poo and her actions a little more.
It turns out that after a few days from the onset of diarrhoea and fever, she was
a) still having fever, though it comes and goes.
b) still having diarrhoea (which stinks:S)
So yesterday, I prayed for her. prayed for God to heal her.
and today,
a) she still has slight fever, but it doesn't seem to affect her activity level
b) she's got no more diarrhoea! (though she still has soft stools)
yay. thank God :)
and fearing that she may be consuming her own hair when she cleans herself ('cos she's now of age to shed fur:S) and after delaying for some time, i've finally gotten a pet brush from daiso (my faithful source of pet items. lol)
chi likes it:D hahaha. so funny. now i've got a double sided brush with cat hair :S
but i'm glad she's fine :)
was quite funny today when she jumped onto the table and went to look at the printer. she kinda accidentally stepped on the reload paper button and the printer which started to whirl, scared her. lol.
after the printer stopped whirling, chi used her paw to hit the printer and hissed at it. hahahahaa. super funny.
her new enemy=D

trauma.fear.momentoffocus.forgiveness.healing.stages.
wounded.pryedopen.reminded.fear.makingsense.
love.acceptance.makingsense.integration

Wanna thank God for the three people who just joined poly side counter:)
I think as a ministry leader, I'm not the most faithful..
but God still is.
He's never failed to send in people to counter when they're needed. people who have a genuine desire to serve, people who have a genuine desire to learn. haha.
i was pretty amused by the people God's sent in today. haha. alright with the first, but quite amused at the second. you know sometimes as a leader, your ministry attracts a similar type of person as you as the shape and feel of the ministry is affected by who's in it.. so in a sense, when i saw the brother, i was like 'wow. shy and quiet. first time. hahaa'
guess the ministry's evolving even at this moment :)
talked to Gary about things yesterday before he went off.. talked to celestine not too long ago. Thank God for the two of them:) the counter's going to be in their hands soon.
feeling a certain sort of reluctance. a certain form of nostalgia, a tinge of relief.
i have lots of thoughts, they're kinda entangled. and kinda melting into one another. can't tease them out as of yet. will type more when i do :)

Just finished Liar Game. haha. not a bad show.. though it got kind of predictable in the middle, and really quite predictable at the end :S like the characters stop growing and developing in the middle of the show.
lol.
but quite interesting:) though they didn't really explain everything at the end to us O.o and as the audience, you can guess some of the tricks that've been used before they're used. lol.
i miss trick. and galileo. haha. Liar Game was cool, but it wasn't funny. i preferred trick 'cos it's quite funny. hahaa.
Was walking around cuppage area to scout out eating places when i realized that the years in Hope, cuppage area is still relatively new to me. lol. for example, i know nuts about what restaurants were at cuppage terrace (until today) and i never realized that there're so many japanese pubs and restaurants at cuppage till today O.o a bit suaku and slow. lol.
it's hard to believe that exams just ended last week. hahaha. it feels as if super a lot of time has passed since exams have ended:S think i've played and slacked enough. time to move on to more serious matters:) hehehe.
liang jing ru's yong qi is stuck on my mind after ktv-ing with my sw project groupmates yesterday:) speaking of which, i don't think i've ever called so many different places to ask about reservations and prices before :S breakthrough in calling places. ah.

Sleepy. haha.
It takes longer for me to reach home taking buses than potong pasir than to walk.
Was at ruixia's house practicing for the carolling at suntec (come find us at suntec by the big christmas tree on the 21, 23 and 24th:). We're the only group performing at suntec, so kinda excited. haha. can join me for service on the 24th as well :) Hope Christmas service is going to be at suntec as well :)
have been doing planning and organizing these few days (for outings and what nots). My laptop's officially down 'cos the operating system can't be found after i knocked it a few times against the newspapers to get rid of ants found in my laptop (there were lots of ants in my laptop!:S). Still thinking of whether I should get tim to help me fix (he said he might be able to, considering that i can still go into the bios setup) or if i should just try to persuade my mum to lend me money to buy a new laptop. will miss all the photos, all the mp3s, all the wallpapers, all the data i've collected and stored in my laptop over the years though :S but i guess i can let it go as well ba.
so daytime's more of organizing, doing whatever things you can do in the day, watching jdrama (oh! i've finished watching puzzle:D it's a jdrama about this two-faced teacher and her three students, and how her motivation by money leads her to solve mysteries and crimes. it's quite funny. kinda like trick, but less supernatural.) watching himitsu no hanazono now. it's a show about a group of 4 manga drawers and their editor. it's pretty interesting :) i think the characters are very well done. yup. still watching :) haha.
night time's more of organizing, tying down things, planning for the next day, thinking through, reflecting, resting, cleaning up the room (yes. i seem to have the desire to clean up my room when i'm not chui-ed to clean up my room). lol.

boredom must have quite good stamina.
'cos it's catching up with me:S

ah.
the days after exams are more tiring during the exam days themselves =S

Studying for History and Systems of Psychology is a little like knowing the characters of the past.. you not only get to know which areas they've made an impact in, you learn about their background, their likes and dislikes, their works, their pet peeves, what kind of a person they are, and eventually who they marry. lol.
an excellent example of how elaboration aids in memory :)

for all people who like to play multiplayer games=D
here's a multiplayer game website: Silent Storm. yup.
do try it out and give comments :) one of my friend's bf's website. yup.
thanks!:)
oh yes. try shadow of legend. not divine tears.
and give comments. give comments. give comments. give comments=)

i've found a new anime =D
it's called kuroshitsuji and falls into the genre of gothic horror (which i quite like and enjoy :P)
i wanted to talk about something, but i forgot.
.
oh yes.
forgiveness.
i learned something new today :)
about how forgiveness is a gift.
i think it's so true how often we (and i) choose not to forgive 'cos we'll be like 'he/she don't deserve it'... or we'll say things along the lines of 'i've already done so much!' or 'how come it always has to be me who forgives?'
forgiveness is a gift. the person doesn't deserve it, but we give it. it's a gift.
just as how God has forgiven us and gives us this gift every moment every day, He expects us to give it to the people around us (who have hurt us in some way or another as well).
it's a gift:)
when i heard it, i was like 'wowwww'

Sleepy.
haha.
Woke up at 3.20am 'cos it was very warm, and there was a mosquito flying around my ear (realized afterwards that I got bitten 4 times).
Then tried to sleep till around 4am, when i buay tahan and decided to wake up instead.
Now i'm feeling sleepy :S
Was thinking about how ironic sometimes it is that we may say that we're willing to die for certain people, and yet in our daily actions, we don't actually do much for that person, or am not willing to sacrifice and all. shouldn't death have been the ultimate sacrifice to make, and all other things to have paled in comparison. so if we say that we're willing to die for someone, should it not be that we'll be more willing to do the other things? considering that they all pale in comparison to death.
considering that the sacrifice of death (if used at all) can only be used once, and sacrifices of times, effort and finance can be used again and again, how come it's so hard for us to still do it?
heh.
anyway, medical in social work exam coming soon :) haha. thank God for guan who taught me quite a lot while talking just now about the module. yay. quite glad.

yay. thank God. i feel much better.
took medicine for both fever and asthma, i can breathe normally now. that lifted my spirits quite a bit.
now i can go and study.
i pray that i can have quality studying!

i hate falling sick. i'm okay with fevers, but especially hate colds, sore throats and coughs.. 'cos they usually lead to an asthmatic episode (it's not a matter of severity).
i've always thought that it's normal for everyone to not be able to breathe properly/feel breathless/have difficulty in breathing when they're having coughs, turns out it's not. until i realized that it's not.
today was a horrible day. it's a combination of sore throat (which has mostly dissipated), cold (which permanently require clearing), cough (which is usually used to clear phlegm), breathlessness (i couldn't breathe properly even after i took medicine) and a fever that comes and goes, comes and goes (burning eyes, warm head, cold feet and fear of water.)
it's not pleasant to not be able to breathe properly through your nose, and also having to breathe through mouth laboriously. i spent most of the day sleeping (on my bed, in my parents' bed, on my sofa..) and haven't really started on studying.
was contemplating filling up the form for special consideration 'cos i've got papers tmr evening and friday morning, but didn't know if my symptoms were serious enough.
i dun feel like studying :(

can't study 'cos not feeling well.
my body is telling me to go rest go rest, while my brain is telling me to go study go study.
thank God my first three exams are open books.

Was reading the readings on child abuse a few days back. Now it's battered women's syndrome. Not as if I'm new to it (learned about it in trauma psych before), but hearing testimonies about it is quite disheartening.
anyway, to cut things short, it's never okay for repeated hittings to happen. it's never okay for the husband to hit the wife. it's not okay for the wife to take the beatings. and it's not the wife's fault when the husband hits the wife.
there's a testimony of this woman who lost her kidneys 'cos her date (not even her husband!) threw her onto the stove in a fit of anger and stomped on her before that. and women usually break their arms in trying to defend themselves from the blows, or break the bones in their ribcage because they were kicked and stepped on.

I realized something interesting today (interesting to me anyway).
my L1 is supposed to be chinese.. so by right it should be easier for me to access chinese in my lexicon than english...
but! today when someone asked about how to go to the lorong 7 market in chinese, i realized that the first words that come to mind are in english, and i needed to make a conscious effort to translate to chinese before telling the person.
oh dear.

reading zhixin's blog makes me miss japanese. haha.
so far, i can quite understand anime even if they don't have subtitles (the rough gist of it), but i still can't read well (my kanji sucks XD) hahaha.
日本語が好きですから、時間がありません。そして、お金がありません。でも、アニメから自分日本語は勉強します。
oh no. my grammar is all wrong. hahaha.

the stimuli used for the plunkett paper is killing me. i went through the introduction and lit review pretty fast, but the stimuli required quite a bit of analysis and thinking O.o why do people make it so complicated and try to explain after that? makes me so confused. lol. hahaha.

Recently, Aya Hirano has been very famous in the scenes of seiyu because of her voice-overs in haruhi suzumiya and lucky star (both of which, though looking like it should be for girls, actually are found in manga targetted at guys O.o) it's quite funny. hahaa. i've enjoyed both anime so far.. on most part because of its randomness.
watching hyakko next! i've kinda abandoned d grayman (after hooking people on it) for now and am not watching 2nd season of vampire knight for now('cos first season was not very captivating). have abandoned naruto (though i'd want to catch it again in the far future) and bleach (got bored of their bankais) and other anime ('cos i lost my whole list of anime-i'm-watching).
so currently am catching toradora (which yizhong thought was hentai... ... ... it's pg. and very clean. no fan service, no ecchi stuff, no violence), jigoku shoujo mitsuganae, watashitachi no kyokasho (jdrama about this lawyer finding out the truth about bullying in the school setting) and shugo chara (need something lighthearted. haha). was contemplating kurozuka, but found that it was too violent for my liking (even worse than claymore).
so i've cut down from catching 20+ anime series to 4. hahahhahaha.

oh my gosh. i am super exhausted.
been feeling exhausted since 10++pm.
was telling the e1a pple how i was taking a nap, and consciously i knew it was nearing 4 pm (had something then) and i wanted to wake up, but couldn't.

i was quite encouraged during service today :) encouraged and touched 'cos what pastor brendon was talking about really resonated with what i know and what i believe in. i'm not so much a physics person, but the biological part really resonated with my interest. haha. have learned some of the stuff he talked about before, but seeing it being put into diagrams and videos made it so much clearer. in addition, having it accompanied by other facts put a lot of things into perspective :)
i didn't get the chance to hear much 'cos was outside settling youth camp registrations.. but thank God that i still managed to catch a bit :) hehe.
was also touched 'cos i saw a brother who was not in service for some time, in service today. caught him through the recep tv :) haha. was just reading his blog earlier before service and was quite burdened 'cos he sounded very jaded and i guess i can understand his jaded-ness. i guess in a sense, i'm not close to him, but we've served in the same ministry before, and it saddens me to see what he wrote. of course, the fact that he came from the same ministry as two other pple i know (and know well) who've backslided from hope doesn't help.
but glad that he was here :) and i guess ultimately human beings (like me) can disappoint, but God's Words remain, God's truth remains, God's sacrifice remains.
our imperfections do not blemish His holiness. it just shows that we still have a long way to go.

Some 30 year old guy (note my earlier post on my opinions on authority or older people) called me a presto intellect on crunchyroll.com on my opinions on fansubbing and what-nots. they're having a heated argument about the legality of fansubs (of animes and what-nots). i have no idea what he's trying to achieve, and frankly speaking, to call someone a presto intellect (he did this to others too) is a form of flaming, isn't it?
i feel insulted. blah.
at any rate, i don't see what's the use of that argument on the crunchyroll boards when
1) it's on an anime hosting website. and i doubt arguing on the board will reduce people's desire or demand for subbed anime. especially if the person is flaming others and trying to assert his own opinion for the sake of asserting, with others not caring/knowing him because he's too (uh-hem) 'intellectual'/snobbish.
2) it is true that subbed media increase the popularity of the drama/anime and thus is kinda like advertising for the media in general. as i was saying, most of the time, they don't earn a lot through the official vcds anyway (unless you're a regular buyer, then in that case, if you like the anime or drama series, one would go buy it.. kinda like how music sampling goes about now?), but more so through the accompanying merchandise (movies have this source of revenue as well) --> correct me if i'm wrong.
3) all raws come from japan sites. shouldn't they stop things at the root instead of complaining about subs? if there're no raws, there won't be subbed anime:P
blah.
and yes, i'm still annoyed at being called a presto intellect. lol
it's time to study for exams :)
last exam of my nus life. every moment is memorable at this moment. lol.
probably feels the same for others, but things (from doing assignments to taking exams) have kinda changed for me 'cos it's my last exam and somehow or another, the grades ain't important anymore.
i was saying how the external motivation is being taken away 'cos i've applied for my job and there is a high chance (i think) that i may get the job.. so the grades ain't that important. ah well :)
but i still enjoy exam periods. i've always enjoyed exam periods ('cos of the freedom in planning out your own time and the close fellowship. the monotony of tasks too. hahaha). also 'cos exam periods are the free-est times of the year!:)

Watching 'watashitachi no kyokasho (our textbook)'. episode 1 is quite depressing :\ talks abt bullying and all in school. quite sad. ah.

I'm officially stuck.
Been stuck at the cognitive section for some time. Diverted the attentional resources to finish up the job application form for being a counsellor, sent another email regarding the position of a part-time research assistant, and I'm still stuck.
ah well.

Today's history and systems test was hard O.o
oh well :) the mcq part was okay. the connecting names to systems and names to names (who influenced who -- as if i care O.o) was not easy. lol.
felt groggy for the rest of the day. was better after napping, but relatively distracted. haha.
took a few hours to settle down, so by 7, i was ready to do work. quite alert and rested.
and the lights of hq didn't come on O.o
i was sitting there waiting for the lights to come on when i got impatient and wondered why no one was doing anything. so i decided to do something (since everyone else is not doing anything. blah) on the way back from the security post (the security was out patrolling :P), i saw a girl calling the oed people. thank God for her. the lights came on after that. and i saw some people smiling/exclaiming in relief.
but seriously ah. i felt annoyed 'cos everyone was just waiting. i bet it was uncomfortable trying to read in the dark (saw this couple trying to read using the comp light. for goodness sake, shouldn't they have just gone to report it/call oed about it so that they can get the lights on? gee.)
there's a threshold to my patience (lol. biological terms.)
i wonder if the confrontational and intellectual side of me will render me ineffective as an empathetic counsellor?

hahaha. i don't know why everyone's so interested in whether machines have consciousness.
seriously speaking, it doesn't bother me or capture my attention. molymeux's question was more enticing to me.
was googling to see if any kind soul has posted any questions on the pl4202 quiz online and found a few 'reviews' on the module.
Review #1:
I refer to this as my pseudo-philosophy class, since for the first half of the semester we were mired in terms such as dualism, consciousness, and other vague terms that did not hold my interest. It was mostly a talky class, with the lecturer interacting with a few outspoken students while the slower-brained ones (like myself) sat and watched the clock.

I really dislike false advertising in IVLE module outlines, and I didn’t realise it was going to degenerate into a giant discussion session. At least some history got taught, in the form of dates, notable contributions and so on, but it didn’t make up the bulk of the module. While it’s an effective module in terms of making the students think critically and deeply, it does not satisfy my criterion of “can I score”. I’m sorry, but if employers only want to see the triangular letters and have no interest in how well I can argue for a functionalist perspective on machine AI, then I shall only focus of the ability of the module to fulfill that criterion. I’d recommend this module to others only if they really love talking in class, or have a high enough CAP to make up for the shortfall this module may cause.

review #2:
firstly, something interesting was raised by prof elliot in history and systems of psychology seminar today. for once in a long time i was actually thinking hard about something. in case u think it's an interesting class, no it's not. it's boring like mad. thong can sleep under the nose of the prof throughout the lesson and no one will notice. half the time basically consists of the ongoing dialogue between prof elliot and a certain guy in class (by this i mean just the two of them) and the rest of the class either sleep or pretend to understand. but once in awhile interesting topics like today's will be fed to the class, and at least it's interesting as compared to anything else possible to happen in that class...

haha! so it's not only our semester who sees a lecture conversing for one hour in class with an extremely talkative guy while the rest of us try to keep on track and keep awake :)
but i do enjoy the module actually. i like the philosophy part. and i like how the textbook is written. it's super funny. haha. i don't quite understand the flow of his notes though:S

my brain was quite stoned for around an hour. lol
now it's picking up again :) good.
1892 was the year that apa started :) 1986 was the year that nus offer the psychology course. hahaha. in 1990, the first 11 honours students graduated (including Dr Sim.. and eh. a professor of SMU who has the same name and surname as my ul now).
g stanley hall started the first experimental lab.
i hope i remember what they say abt things.
the intentional stance and what nots paper seems to be missing:S

ooh. one of my uncles just passed away.
not very close to him though :\

hahaa. just finished last episode of trick 3. hq's too dark to do work 'cos of rain. lol. excuses.
AH. but the scriptwriters are good :) they had a good idea. kinda amazing how they managed to sustain the script from the first series to now:)
my writing skills are really not there yet. haha.

tummyache :(
bad one.

Just finished a 3-page reflection on the case of Mr and Mrs Chia. they're really very encouraging:) I don't think they're extraordinarily resilient, or super strong. They're ordinary people, with an extraordinary God and extraordinary thoughts. imagine yourself as a guy getting multiple sclerosis and having to rely on your wife for your movements and activities of daily living (e.g. bathing and even clearing your bowels). And imagine yourself as a wife having to quit your job, take care of your husband, take care of 3 children (ages, 4, 6 and 8). It's quite a recipe for great caretaker fatigue and great disgruntlement towards God.
but they didn't. which i found was quite amazing. they grieved for a short while, accepted that God has allowed this to happen and he must have a reason for it, and moved on to the practical aspects of adapting their lives to the disease. It's not to say that they completely don't have thoughts about it, they do. but they don't let these thoughts manifest into bitterness.
and it's amazing to see how God provides for them as well.
not to say they're the perfect example, or they had perfect responses.. they don't. haha. but it's so refreshing to see this case. i was expecting a lot of pouring out on the fatigue, anger, guilt that she faced, disappointment with God, disappointment with self.. and i saw none of that. i saw a tired face with a joyful disposition and an accepting heart.
it really refreshed my soul.

heh. i'm looking at grief and loss (need to write reflection paper on it) and i saw a link to grieving the loss of a pet.
think i agree with what the website says, that many-a-times people undermine the sense of loss a pet owner can feel when the pet is gone.
i've lost quite a few pets myself (they die when they're taken care of by me O.o oh dear.) i've had two terrapins, 21 goldfishes, 1 fighting fish and 2 hamsters (one dwarf and one syrian). think the death that struck me the most was the death of my syrian hamster (which was with me for abt 2 yrs and 9 months). my two terrapins died when i was in school, so i never saw them die. their presence was here, and suddenly gone. the 21 goldfishes died one after another quite quickly (i only had them for abt a month:S) the fighting fish was more poor thing. it was with me for one day (forgot to put something to cover the container and it jumped out:S) the dwarf hamster (chloe) was given to me by my jc friends and died within 2 weeks (sigh). was quite close to clover (my syrian hamster) 'cos it was my first furry pet and the first pet i took care of myself (expenses and all). can still remember the night when she died. she ran around the bed once, then lay on the tissue i laid out on her favourite spot, then died. thinking about it grieves me :(
i was just telling my mum how if chi dies, we'll both be very sad. 'cos chi is bigger (physically) and will probably live longer. lol. oh well.

Doing the compilation for the group project paper for the module Social Work in Medical Setting (which is a module giving social work majors a glimpse of what medical social workers do. lol). It's quite amazing how so many weeks have gone past since the start of the project (at the first tutorial, where I got traumatized by crystal - the relief tutor. lol)
from interviewing mr and mrs chia, to doing up the presentation (which crystal commented was very well done, very clear. our presentation was like the only one that everyone was interested in, and probably managed to stay awake without much effort. hohoho. yay) to writing the final report now.. think i've learned much in this module (not from the lectures. hahaha. but really from the tutorials, from the cases of the social workers who come and teach us:) not a bad module. heh.
i'm quite glad i took these modules. modules which deal more with trauma and hospital settings. pretty interesting :)

Just finished the second season of Trick :) postponed the last episode to today 'cos had to discipline myself to sleep at 2am yesterday. whahaa.
i hope to be able to write scripts that portray hidden feelings next time. hahaha.

I've decided to charge for using my comp to play the licensed games that i have. haha. at a rate of $1 per hour ($0.50 for per half hour). Not a lot of games in my comp (only got 4) at this moment.. and not a lot of people playing games on my comp (so far only got shawn and jitsy. haha). If you're interested, please book the timing at least one day (24 hrs) in advance so that I'll know what to do while you have my laptop. lol.
The 4 licensed games in my comp (all gotten from bigfishgames.com are:
1)

Azada:Ancient Magic is a game whereby you solve things in storybooks. Usually the storybook character will require something, and you have to solve different things (mix and match items and find out how to use them) to complete that book. There're 20 storybooks to be completed in all. There's also a bigger overall plot, but not important la.
Currently, Azada:Ancient magic is being played by shawn..and there can only be one person playing at any one time, so if you're interested to play this game (I enjoyed it quite a lot personally), you'll have to book in advance. haha.
2)

Personally, I think this game gets boring after a while. Create Posted to simulation games. lol. It's #1 on the list of strategy games on bigfishgames.com though. I've yet to finish this game, but there can be 5 profiles. haha.

3)

This is a surprisingly enjoyable game. I like it 'cos of the locked doors.. then you have to figure out how to open the locks. I thought I didn't like finding objects, but quite okay. haha. I've finished the game. Quite interesting to see how to story flows ( a bit predictable, but well :).

4.

I like it so far. hahaa. It's not an extremely intellectual game.. and with regards to gameplay, i think azada is better. but it's been okay so far:) quite a funny game actually. hahaha.
Can have many profiles. i've not finished it. so yah, can't give a full review :)

Yup. that's all!

Let me show you an example of why people should sleep till late morning. haha.
Do you know that Descartes, the famous philospher who came up with the famous quote of 'I think, therefore I am' used to stay in bed (due to a supposedly fragile body) till noon :) he'll spend the time in bed contemplating and thinking about whatever problem he had on hand.. and what amazing things he's come up with! haha.
go read up on him. and connect them to biological facts that you know and you'll realize that despite the lack of advanced scientific instruments during his time, he came up with theories and physiological models which actually do describe accurately (though with wrong terms) how the body system works.
while reading up on what wikipedia talks about descartes, i've discovered that wikipedia may not be fully reliable. wikipedia claims that descartes didn't believe that animals had a pineal gland, but in actual fact, he did (Finger,2000 -->a journal). he just argued that the gland had a function in humans that would not be found in animals - the locus for mind-body interaction (Goodwin, 2005 --> my textbook). btw, his theory about the pineal gland is not correct. but other physiological models he proposed are. lol
interesting guy!
anyway, i was talking about how we should stay in bed till late. haha. not to slack, but if you're thinking, some time off in bed is good. lol. might not help if u have a lack of sleep though. haha.
and... surveys find that 10.04pm is the best time for creative juices to flow... which mean that.. maybe sleeping late at night has its advantages too. oh well :) haha.
but must still get fruitful and sufficient sleep :)

My last 3 assignments of the studying days in nus:
1) Personal reflection on loss and grief issues experienced by the family my group interviewed, alongside with written group project (30%)
2) History and systems of psychology test (20%)
3) Bilingualism term paper (40%)

Currently at hq. supposed to be doing work, but i don't know to start on which assignment first. Concurrently filling a resume for being an allied educator (counselling).
i feel sleepy. and non-directed. haha.
usually quite busy, so assignments tend to be a bit last minute (like 2-3 days beforehand). stress level builds up. cortisol levels increase.
and i get super productive.
too little stress, deadline not near... little cortisol --> no motivation to do work.
hahah
i'm so laidback!

want to share a verse that has encouraged me (and kept appearing in my mind) for the past weeks. pastor lawrence shared that verse today too (though he only shared one out of the 3).
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
i love it when i break out of narrow thoughts and see things in the light of eternity.

chi likes to whine. especially when we stop her from going somewhere. lol. or in the morning when she doesn't get food and i'm still asleep (usually ard 7+am), then she'll whine a lot. lol.
was personally very ministered by the wam cum team ministry night today :) there was a time of crazy games (led by dennis), then affirmation by some of the church staff, then they gave out long service (5,10 and 15!) awards to people who've served very long in their ministries. then we had praise and worship. haha. was observing the backup singers during praise (and praising God as well) so that i can learn from their expression and the way they complement the song :)
worship reminded us of the faithfulness of God. i think it really reminded a lot of us about the faithfulness of God.
Like the sun that rises every day
O Lord You are faithful, dear Lord You are faithful,
Like the rain that You bring and every breath that I breathe,
You are so faithful, Lord.

Like a rose that comes alive every spring
O, You are so faithful, dear Lord You are faithful,
Like the life that You give to every beat of my heart,
You are so faithful, O Lord.

I see a cross and the price You had to pay,
I see the blood that washed my sins away,

In the midst of the storm,
Through the wind and the waves,
You'll still be faithful,
O You'll still be faithful.

When the stars refuse to shine,
And time is no more,
You'll still be faithful,
You'll still be faithful O Lord.
it touched me a lot. the sister who was awarded the long service award (15 years - she was the only one who received it.. ) shared that one of the worship songs touched her a lot. the lyrics of 'i set my eyes on You Lord, i choose You everytime'
she shared the verse also.
"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." - Joshua 24:15
i think it particularly resonated in my heart 'cos it's something i really believe in. that we can choose our reactions to different things that happen along our way. and 'cos every time i serve in counter, it's a choice to serve ('cos my natural inclination towards counting money is to avoid it. singing is different though. i really enjoy singing:) sometimes i'll wonder why God has placed me to lead the counter ministry (tertiary) when i'm not particularly an advocate for it. haha.
and i think many people make the choice to love God despite circumstances and personality traits that work against them as well. very encouraging to see the perseverance of people.
i was telling michelle that in my heart i set a high standard. possibly 'cos of the background i came from, or the way i was taught from when i received Christ. but thenn again, the standard doesn't come from me. it comes from God. the perfect standard of God. and though we're far behind that standard, God moulds us, grow us, and we grow in the likeness of Him everytime we make the choice to allow Him to do his pruning work in us.
i think there was a period of time when i got influenced by the people around me and thought, actually it's quite okay to not to this, not to that, go here a bit late, go there another day. i started to have a 'everything is okay, God looks at the heart mentality' and started to excuse a lot of things people around me/i did. but in my heart, something felt odd. what i see does not resonate or connect with what the principles i understood in my heart (cognitive dissonance!) after a few months, i pondered, thought through, and realized that the principles were right, it's just that i could not give a formal title to it.
the need to not dilute the teachings of Christ.
not to say that we become pharisees. i believe that there must be a balance as well. but i think that time i diluted the teachings of Christ and lowered God's standard in the view of 'sheltering' the people around me. (which of course doesn't help in anyone's growth :D) lol.
wisdom ba. ah. need to perpectually grow in that.

Just read that harnesses are a better choice for cats instead.. 'cos they think collars choke them. ah well. lol.

chi is now fitted with a pink collar.
lol.
bought it from daiso :) along with a pink leash. wanted to bring her out for a walk, but she freaked out upon having the pink collar fitted around her. and started to run away with the leash :S
but now she seems okay with the collar. and i'm not going to try putting the leash around her for today either:S

lol.
i'm trying to upload all the photos in my phone so as to find the one i took of the red bomb i received this evening O.o
and realized that i can't find it.
blah.
quite surprised to receive the invitation 'cos i'm not very close to them. hahahaha. gabriel was my ministry leader for a while (when meiting --> shucks. forgot the name.. was the counter leader for a while..) when i was in year 1. i think. maybe 'cos i talked to him a few times on the bus? =) ('cos we lived 2 stops away from each other). sarah.. sarah i dun really know her. hahahaha. i know sarah 'cos of sharon. i know sharon 'cos of junting. i know junting 'cos she was my ex shepherd!
but feels quite blessed to be invited :) hehe.
air tickets are SO expensive O.o